by chance - spero11 - Murder Drones (Web Series) [Archive of Our Own] (2024)

Chapter 1: bad decisions led me to you

Chapter Text

In the darkness of her room, a young purple-haired woman squinted at the bright screen in front of her. The contents of the monitor reflected off of her violet eyes, and an equally sinister grin pierced the dimness. An eerie cackle gradually bubbled from her throat, until it eventually grew into an unhinged squeal of glee.

The clock struck midnight.

And the woman, Uzi, refreshed the browser.

The little donut circled around until a neon green button lit up in front of her.

"Finally!"

With a few clicks, she excitedly purchased what was surely game of the year: Drones Online. It was a massive multiplayer online role-playing game, or MMORPG for short, that involved creating a robotic avatar who has to survive and find a way off a desolate, barren, and overall apocalyptic planet. What made it so amazing was the combat, the customizations for movesets and character designs, and the deep and enriching lore buried within the game.

As Uzi was waiting for the gigantic game to download completely, she decided to scroll through the endless amount of streamers that were also getting ready to play the game. Her attention immediately went to one of the highest-rated and most-watched streamers on the platform; his elated expression stood out in the sea of thumbnails. Shrugging her shoulders, she picked his stream and only waited a moment before it popped up on her screen.

“It’s finally here! This is so exciting, I am so excited!!” He turned to the camera, “Are you guys excited??”

She cringed at the loudness before lowering the volume to one more tolerable, which allowed her to be able to focus on the man gushing on video.

His alias was N, and it wasn’t her first time seeing him on the internet, but it was her first time catching one of his livestreams. His set-up was very typical of a popular streamer, and he seemed to be fully furnished with expensive and modern equipment. He was very boyish-looking, with fluffy, swept blond-silver hair and round golden-brown eyes. His smile was very eye-catching, and she couldn’t help but feel herself smiling back, before she slapped herself out of it.

Gross. I’ve been online for almost two decades, so don’t parasocialize now, Uzi!

Remembering that he was just a random guy on the internet, and therefore they had a less than 0.01 percent chance of meeting, any feelings of relatability or familiarity were squashed. Her focus shifted to the ongoing chat of the audience, and her eyes rolled at the predictable messages of simps.

“Ooh! It’s done downloading, guys! Let’s open!”

She glanced at her own download, and groaned that it was still taking forever to finish. Curse her only moderately-upgraded computer and her apartment’s struggling wifi!

N had already opened the game and was going through the introductory cut-scene. Uzi felt like she was spoiling herself, but she couldn’t stop herself from watching it with him. She had been waiting for this game for so long that even seeing a little bit of it enraptured her. To her surprise, the streamer didn’t talk over the introductory cut-scene, and was instead reacting appropriately yet not obnoxiously. She felt herself sharing his emotions, feeling as enthralled as he was with the wonderful immersion of the game.

There was a huge explosion on screen before it faded to black, and N raved, “Whoa! That was amazing! If I wasn’t excited before, which I definitely was, now I’m bursting at the seams!”

Uzi nodded with renewed energy surging through her, before she blinked and settled back down in her chair.

A big streamer I don’t find annoying. Huh.

“Okay, my name is gonna be N, of course… and I wanna be male-identifying… Wait, how do these robots have genders… or even sexes? And why?” He swung back in his chair to look at his audience with a deep, thoughtful look, “Is that something we wanna think about? But, oh no, I’m already thinking about it…! Are there robo-babies brought into this world by the NPCs?! Is that something we can do with other players?? Make robo-babies??”

The concept was so ludicrous and random that she didn’t even realize that a laugh escaped from her lips. It didn’t help that he seemed so serious about these thoughts as he went on and on, but she slapped a hand over her mouth and forced her laughter into a choked chuckle of some sort.

A small sound dinged in her headset, and a notification pulled up on the bottom right of her screen. Her game finished downloading!

Uzi actually hesitated to turn off the stream she opened, but fighting back the weird urge to keep it up in the background, she exited out from the browser. How could she be fully immersed in the game with him playing his own in the background? It was only logical she closed the browser.

Shaking her head from her indecision, she sat up straight and scooted up to her desk to get situated. Once she opened the game herself, she allowed herself to be pulled into the majestic, dreary world of Drones Online.

“Uzi?”

There was a snap-snap close to her ears, but she paid it no mind and tugged her beanie lower.

“Hey, Uzi! Prosnis'!”

A hand shook her shoulder, which finally dragged her out of her slumber. The piercing ceiling lights above made her head throb, and she squeezed her eyes shut in hopes of diminishing the pain behind her eyes.

“You can’t be sleeping on the job like this. Ugh, Uzi, ti takaya glupaya,"the Russian woman, Doll, dragged her hand down her face and sighed, “Your break ended thirty minutes ago.”

Uzi was still in the process of waking up as her co-worker was speaking to her.

Oh, sh*t, that’s right. I’m working right now. Uzi yawned wide and stretched as far as her limbs would go.

“Don’t tell me that Drones Online has been keeping you up all night?”

Uzi smirked as she looked up at the other woman. “It’s hella fun. What can I say?”

Doll rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “At least I know how to control myself, radi boga.”

“Yeah, yeah, bite me. You’re better than me, Doll, I know.” Uzi groaned and stood up, feeling her neck strain from sleeping while sitting. She pointed at the door as she started leaving, “I’ll go man the registers now. Hopefully Rebecca won’t hate me for leaving her, even though she definitely already does.”

“I didn’t mention that, but you’re probably right. I am better than you, and most definitely at Drones Online.” Doll grinned, a creepy one that made Uzi shudder. She sorta believed that the other woman was just trying to be friendly, but her smiles made chills run down her spine. “You need to stop falling asleep at work before you get into serious trouble parshivka, because it’s already been a week of this nonsense.”

“Ugh, yeah, I get it. Fix sleep schedule, don’t get fired.” Uzi pushed her way out of the breakroom before Doll could continue to lecture her. “If that’s all, I’ll be working now, okay? Happy? Bye!”

She sighed as she made her way to the center of the store. The Hot Topic she worked at was just one of the various stores in the largest mall of the city, but every teen had their goth or anime or rock or whatever phase, so she found herself weaving through the crowd of teenagers. Once she made it to her station at the second register, Rebecca was glaring daggers at her.

“And where the hell have you been?! The lines have been crazy!”

“Oh, bite me. I’m sure it wasn’t anything you couldn’t handle, since you’re oh-so capable.” Uzi ignored the seething that ensued and proceeded to begrudgingly help the next guest. She glanced at the time and nearly banged her head on the register.

Just a few more hours…

After a chaotic midday surge, Uzi was ready to knock out on the spot. She dragged a stool nearby to her register and, seeing that there weren’t as many customers as earlier, pulled her phone out and browsed for streams. It wasn’t much of a surprise that N was still at the top with over fifty-thousand viewers, streaming his gameplay of Drones Online. Glancing around, she plugged in a single wireless earphone and tuned in on the livestream.

“Ugh! This boss is kinda hard…” N frowned as yet another death screen greeted him. Uzi, not that she wanted to admit it, had been catching more and more of his streams. One thing she learned was that N was actually pretty good at the game. He was getting through a lot of the main storyline much faster than she had expected, which shocked her since she was still struggling on some of the earlier chapters. His character was in the “Disassembly Drone” class, though, which was one of the strongest fighter classes in the game; high attack damage, increased agility, and increased regeneration all made for a very powerful avatar. She picked “Absolute Solver” for her class, which was apparently the hardest class in the game to master, but she was determined to learn how to use the class’s skillset.

“Maybe if I use this move instead of this one, I have a higher chance of surviving Phase 2, but then I have one less dash, which will make it hard for me to engage…” N placed his hand on his chin as he thought out loud, very engrossed in his battle strategy. His screen was stuck at the moveset customization, and he spoke to the camera while reading off of the chat. “It does that? I didn’t know! So, wait, maybe it would actually turn out okay? If it also boosts my defense, then I could just run in? That sounds like fun, let’s try it!”

Uzi watched as this silly man near-effortlessly defeated the boss he was just struggling with in a span of fifteen minutes. He grinned at the camera after looting, giving a big thumbs-up and a wide smile to his viewers. “Thank you, everyone! What would I do without you?”

The overflowing love he received from his audience did not go unnoticed by Uzi. She wondered how it felt to be so well-liked by so many people, even if he probably didn’t know any of them. She could barely make herself well-liked by people she did know.

As another customer stepped up to the register, Uzi continued to have the stream playing through one ear, unknowingly smiling partially at the streamer’s delight when he received a new upgrade for his character.

The time revealed a blaring two in the morning when Uzi finally checked it. She squinted at the numbers, juggling choices in her mind, before she picked the not-good one. She did make a decent choice when it came to her beverage, though. Sipping at her water because soda was starting to make her stomach hurt, she continued to venture through the decimated, snowy forest.

She needed to kill some Ice Wyverns for their scales, and this was the one location in the game where they spawned. Although her combat wasn’t that great yet, she was confident she could take some down with enough potions in her inventory and luck on her side.

What she learned very quickly, however, was that luck was not on her side.

Ice Wyverns spawned with a range of levels, and for some reason, they were all spawning with very high levels. Much higher than hers, and with movesets that were much more complicated than she was used to. Uzi felt sweat bead down her face as she stared at her character’s health bar. She was out of potions, and if she died here, then she would lose all the measly scales she was able to gather from the snowy ground, as well as half of her other items she worked so hard for.

Her character was hiding inside of what looked like an abandoned spaceship, an apparently impenetrable site in the spawn of the Ice Wyverns. She had a fire going to try to raise her health bar by some points, but it was so slow, and even if she did have all of her health back, she was most likely going to lose it all over again.

Uzi sighed as she leaned back into her chair and massaged her temples. Why, oh why, did she decide to do this? Curse her poor late-night decision-making!

“Hello? Anyone in here?”

Uzi was startled at the sudden voice that emitted from her headset. She forgot that proximity voice chat was turned on in areas with less than twenty players, and people don’t actually use it super often. Additionally, this voice was oddly familiar.

However, she wavered with replying, since player-versus-player combat was enabled and could be initiated with players not in her party and in areas outside of safe zones such as cities.

“I promise I won’t do anything! I saw that there was someone hiding in here, I just wanted to see if you needed any help.”

Uzi suspected that the player must have been a high-leveled one if he had tracking abilities. Her suspicion increased, but there was something about his voice that didn’t make her afraid. With her poor late-night decision-making, she cleared her throat and unmuted her microphone, before saying, “Yeah, I’m, uh, hiding over here.”

“Oh! You have a mic, too? Nice! I’ll be there in a sec!”

When his character rounded the corner and appeared on her monitor, she froze in shock.

“Hiya! Nice to meet you! I hope you don’t mind me here, I was also looking for some Ice Wyvern scales for some power-ups. Did you wanna party-up? We can get it together!”

It’s… N. He’s N. N is talking to me. Why is he here? Wait, he just said why. Why do I care so much? He’s just a random, bigshot streamer!

Uzi swallowed down her sudden shock, then before she responded, she checked the browser she had up in the background. N wasn’t streaming at the moment, and if she recalled, he actually bade everyone goodnight a few hours ago. She didn’t think she would ever run into him like this, and knowing that it was just the two of them was making her heart race.

Damn, Uzi, calm down. Getting nervous for what? You literally didn’t care about him like a couple of weeks ago. Get a grip!

“I, uh, I mean… if you want to, I guess…” Uzi didn’t want to admit that she was struggling to slay the mobs just a few minutes ago, and was getting excited about having such a high-leveled and skilled player help her. She could hear the smile in his voice, “Awesome, I’ll send you the invite.”

Without a moment’s notice, a notification popped up in the middle of her screen with a tiny ding. She accepted N’s invitation to his party, and his model jumped up and down in front of hers.

“This will be so cool! I have never partied up with an Absolute Solver before. Oh, your health is low! Do you want some health pots?”

Before she could respond, his avatar started spraying out health potions at hers. She felt a little uncomfortable at how nice he was, even off recording. Uzi hissed, “Hey, I didn’t need that much! And I didn’t even say ‘okay'!”

“That’s fine, I get a lot of health potions from other people! I totally don’t mind sparing some.” His character started crouching repeatedly, “Heal up so we can go! I’m excited to see what you can do!”

Uzi felt a massive pressure drop on her shoulders. She was definitely going to disappoint him, and for some reason, that bothered her immensely.

Maybe accepting the invite was a mistake…

“Also, you can just call me N. But do you want me to just call you ‘darkXwolf17’?”

Heat burned her cheeks, and she sputtered out, “I-I made that name when I was, like, eight! And, no, don’t say the whole thing! Maybe just Dark Wolf or something, gah, uh, I don’t know…”

Even being called “Dark Wolf” sounded mortifying, but she wasn’t used to having anyone to play with online, so she never felt embarrassed enough to change her display name.

“M-Maybe just, err…” she felt the heat go to her head, but paid it no mind, “Uzi. You can call me Uzi. It’s my name.”

Her poor late-night decision-making was even allowing her to release her name to a stranger on the internet, but she felt that it was better than being called “Dark Wolf.”

“Uzi it is, then!”

Her heart fluttered, and in turn, she slapped the sh*t out of her chest. Her heart wasn’t calming, however, and she was getting annoyed.

Am I having heart problems at age eighteen? Already?

His character was now circling around hers. She smirked a little, finding it strangely cute.

“Are you all set to go?”

“Yeah, I am.” After downing the health potions, she took a breath and set her mind to all the combos she knew how to use. She wanted to be of some use, after all.

“Great, I’ll lead the way! Follow meeee!”

And so she did.

The time was around four in the morning, but Uzi was still glued to the game and stuck in her party with N. After he helped her clear the Ice Wyverns for their scales, she thought that would be the end of their journey together. But as he invited her out on more side quests, she realized that this was the time when he didn't worry about the main storyline and just wanted to explore the rest of the game. She wasn't sure why he was letting her tag along though.

Maybe he just wanted someone who would stay up until four in the morning with him? Oh, wait, unless…

"Hey, N?"

"Yeah, Uzi?"

She still couldn't wrap her mind around him saying her name, but she decided that her sleep-deprived brain didn't know what to focus on and therefore it was actually unimportant.

"What time is it for you?"

Their two characters were sitting across from each other at a dinner table that N decided to set up outside. She wasn't sure why he went for a cooking skill, since they were robots in-game, but it sure made the in-game "food" look good. Well, as appetizing as batteries and oil were going to get. Their characters were eating perpetually, their health bars slowly refilling.

"It's 4 AM for me. Why?"

Her eyes blinked in astonishment. She was surprised they lived in the same time zone. Hell, she was surprised that he decided to stay up this late just to play the game, considering he begins his daily streams at noon.

Feigning ignorance, she asked, "Well, why are you still up? Don't you have work or something?"

"Sort of? But it's okay. I've been having so much fun playing with you, I totally forgot to check the time!"

She swore her heart skipped a beat. He specifically said "with you," and he was talking to her, so that meant he was having fun with her? And not just because of the game?

"Oh no, Uzi! What time is it for you?"

"...Also four?"

"In the…?"

She winced. "In the morning."

"Biscuits! I didn't mean to make you stay up so late, too! We can head to bed, I'm sorry if you're sleepy in the morning."

Uzi rolled her eyes, unsure why his concern for her made her cheeks hot. Maybe because she was also a little mad. Yes, she was just angry.

"You don't have to mother me. I'll be fine. But if you wanna sleep, you can log off."

"Sleep is good for you. If I log off, you should too. Okay?"

Uzi rolled her eyes again, but to get him off her back and to get the weird sensations out of her stomach, she obliged.

"Okay, geez."

"Good!"

She was sure that this encounter would be a one-time event, but she was astounded for the tenth time that night when a notification appeared before her.

"We should play again soon!"

It was a friend request.

From N.

Through her sleep-ridden mind, she was barely able to register the bar of text. Dumbly, she answered, "Uh… uh-huh, sure."

And then she slowly hit the check mark for 'Yes.'

"Yay! New gamer buddy!" N cheered from the other side, "Okay, sleep tight! Have a good night!"

Uzi frowned heavily at his joyous voice, and just let the redness take over her face.

"You too, N."

When the game indicated he was offline, she found herself logging off, too. She could have stayed up more, but…

Uzi stared at the now black screen, then huffed. What was she getting so worked up for, again? A popular streamer? A guy who is handsome and cute and is good at the game she really likes? Some man who also really likes the game she really likes? Please, she was too cool and self-aware for parasocial relationships. Even if they had played together directly for the last two hours, online friendships were… flimsy, at best. He probably won't even remember her tomorrow.

He's just another guy like any other guy on the internet. He's just another person like any other person in real life.

Uzi collapsed on her bed after she brushed her teeth, feeling drowsiness wash over her. Her darkened room was the last thing she saw when her eyelids slid shut. Before sleep pulled her under, an oddly sad notion nibbled at her brain.

Someone I'll never get close to in a million years.

Chapter 2: budding friendsh... er, well, something

Chapter Text

With a yawn, Uzi rubbed her eyes from the blearing light of her monitor.

"I think it's time to night-night, Uzi."

She pouted, even though he couldn't see it, and replied, "No, it's not! We still need to find the dumb Golden Dog!"

"We will find it! I'm just worried that you'll stay up too late again because of me."

Uzi rolled her eyes, swearing up and down in her mind that she wasn't staying up late for him. He cared too much.

"I have been staying up way later and way longer before meeting you, N. Don't give yourself too much credit."

"Well, even if that may be true," N responded with a happy tone, "you've been sleeping a little earlier thanks to me! Sooo, I can credit myself for that, hehe!"

She blanched, her tongue sticking out in disgust, and ignored the heat rising to her cheeks.

"It's gross that you're right. Ugh, let me not listen to you anymore."

"No! We have been making great progress!"

She hated to admit that it was true. For the past few nights, Uzi and N had been partying up together and going on side quests, exploring the game for all it was worth. There just seemed to be an infinite, expansive world to venture, and they found themselves doing it together. However, unlike the first night, N was making sure to urge her to get off at least by one in the morning. Uzi would bite her tongue off before confessing how the extra sleep helped her feel overall a whole lot better.

Rolling her eyes, she negotiated, "If we can find this damn Golden Dog, I'll go to sleep."

He sounded concerned. "Uzi…"

"Bite me! It's not even twelve, yet! Come on!"

"It's 11:59, Uzi."

"Okay, whatever, I'm gonna go look for it!"

"Heyy, wait up!"

Her character ran around the rooftops of the empty buildings, using her telekinesis ability to create bridges for herself using the deformed material laying around. Meanwhile, his character was just flying around, using one of the highest-leveled and rarest assets of the "Disassembly Drone" class. He apparently got it through the gacha system.

Go figure. Golden boy is also lucky as hell. Uzi thought as they looked for the Golden Dog, which was supposedly hidden in one of the abandoned, ruined buildings. Completing this quest would grant them a legendary item from the old robot woman back in the village, and would also award them both with an achievement.

"Uzi, how are we even gonna find this little pupper? We have been searching here for hours!"

She bit her bottom lip in thought, before shushing him. "I'm thinking, okay? Just give me a sec."

When they first stumbled upon the quest, the old robot woman had only provided one item. It was the Golden Dog's little bandana.

But how is that supposed to help us?

Uzi stared at her idle character, who was now being pushed around by N's eager one. His avatar was pushing himself into her, walking in place, before it began punching and kicking at her to no avail. They were in the same party, after all.

She couldn't help it—she chuckled, "What are you doing?"

"Uhhhh, nothinggg…"

"Sureee." Uzi stared at N's model, before she gasped, "Wait, N!"

"I told you I'm not—"

She felt a wide grin stretching along her face. "No, your tracking ability—does it work only on players and mobs? Or can it work on any entity?"

"...I don't know! You have an idea, though?"

"Yes! Here." Reaching into her inventory, Uzi dragged the little bandana out and dropped it in front of him. "Try to use that."

"Okey-dokey!"

After he picked it up, Uzi waited with bated breath. Suddenly, N gasped, "I see a trail!"

"Yes!" Uzi shouted, nearly foaming at the mouth. They were so close! Finally, after all the time they spent looking for this forsaken dog.

N's character began sprinting, and she hurriedly trailed after him. He was heading toward one of the smaller buildings, one that appeared as devastated as the others—there was nothing significant to its appearance. Once they made it inside, N circled a particular spot on the floor, and cried out, "I don't understand! The trail ends here?!"

Maybe N couldn't see it, but Uzi could—her class was designed to break rules and the map a bit, so seeing if she could manipulate the environment was part of her interface. It was easy to miss, but there was an extremely faint glow on the ground that beckoned her to interact with it.

"Stand back a bit, N."

"Huh? Uh, okay!"

She licked her lips, then readied herself. One of the hardest parts about her class were the quick-time events when it came to important environmental manipulations or weapon manifestations. Missing a key meant completely screwing up the move, and putting the move on a longer cooldown. She wasn't sure what would happen here if she messed up, especially on this side quest that was so difficult and so specific to both of their classes.

Her eyes hardened, and then she interacted with the glowing piece of the floor.

Her fingers danced along the keyboard as random letters and numbers popped onto her screen, one character after another. She barely registered that each character possessed a short-lived timer, one that spun around so fast that she wondered if she only had a second to press each key.

It didn't matter, however. Weeks of endless hours of playing allowed her to become more masterful of her class. The speed at which she pressed these buttons didn't require even half of the time the game gave her.

The quick-time event felt like it lasted forever, but it had only lasted about ten seconds. The glowing piece of the floor cracked and crumbled until the cement exploded, pushing both of their characters slightly backwards.

From the newly-formed hole in the ground was a gleaming, golden stream of light, and Uzi couldn't help but grin wide. Their quest would be coming to an end, because with that golden shimmer, those tiny yellow particles floating out of the hole, and the random grandiose music that started playing, Uzi knew that—

"WHOAA!" N's character ran forward, jumping straight into the hole. Not a second later did he jump back out, the Golden Dog collected in his hands. He darted to her character to show her. "You did it!! I don't know how bad it was, but it sounded super tough. All I heard was the sound of your keyboard going crazy!"

She picked her jaw off the desk and felt a vein pop on her forehead.

"N! I wanted to pick it up!" Uzi seethed into the mic, "I worked my ass off to make sure I hit every key! You ruined my moment!"

His character stopped moving, Golden Dog still in hand. Uzi still felt incredibly angry, but she calmed down considerably when N didn't respond right away.

She gulped, feeling a weird bout of shame. "N?"

"...I'm sorry, Uzi." He walked closer to her and dropped the dog into her hands, "I didn't mean to take your reward."

Uzi chewed on her lip, feeling guilt settling in where her rage was. It was extremely weird, because there was usually never a replacement for her anger. The woman took a deep breath, before throwing her head back and groaning.

"No, N, it's fine." She gave the dog right back into his arms, "That's not the real reward. The real reward is the legendary item, remember? That one is gonna be mine for sure, so I'm the one who should… ergh, be sorry!"

She said the last bit with some hesitation, as well as some embarrassment, but she tried her best to be sincere. With her lack of practice, she wasn't sure if it came across correctly. He seemed to have received it well, however, if his character jumping up and down suggested anything.

"I don't really care about the item, Uzi, so no worries! Buuut, does that mean I get to carry the Golden Dog around??"

She rolled her eyes, but couldn't suppress the mirth in her voice.

"Yes, N, you can carry the Golden Dog around."

"Yes!"

On the trek back to the old robot woman, N was thoroughly content with carrying the Golden Dog all the way back. He kept going on about its shininess, how cute it was, how he appreciated its little noises, and how the "pretty particles" leaking off of it made it look extra special. Uzi was speculating what the legendary item was, and hoped with all of her cold, loner heart that it was a weapon. She giggled crazily, excited that she would be the only player in the game with this legendary item.

N laughed with her, "Your giggles are so evil, Uzi."

She wasn't sure how to feel about that.

"Um, thank you? I think? Weirdo… who comments on someone's giggles?"

"When the person giggles like a super villainess, I just feel like I have to say something! It's not bad, though, don't get me wrong. It's actually adorable."

Their characters were still moving, but Uzi felt like her limbs froze temporarily.

"I meant to say it's cool! Gah, sorry! Not, uh… the other thing. Kinda crazy I said that, right? Haha," N said quickly as his tone shifted with awkwardness. Uzi cleared her throat, trying to ignore her innate desire to decipher what the vibes were at the moment.

"Yeah, so crazy. Kinda cringe, and gross, and weird, and, like, super meaningless."

Uzi felt like the trek back to the NPC village was taking a thousand years. She exhaled in an attempt to calm down. Knowing how nice and sometimes naive N was, she really shouldn't be thinking too deep into it. He says nice things about all kinds of people and animals and other stuff all the time. Saying something nice about her didn't mean anything.

It didn't make her special or anything.

Ugh, then why do I feel sp—?

Uzi stopped her thoughts then and there.

Not finishing that.

Once they reached the old robot woman's hut, the NPC began her dialogue, which Uzi did her best not to skip through so N could read it all.

As it turned out, the player who held onto the Golden Dog the longest could keep it as a pet, or return it to the old robot woman. N, obviously, clicked 'Yes,' which then allowed the Golden Dog to follow him instead of N's character having to hold it in his grasp. He was squealing in delight, now even more ecstatic at receiving a legendary pet.

As the achievement "Caught the Golden Dog" appeared in her notifications, she awaited the moment of truth.

The old robot woman slowly raised her hands to the air, and spinning atop her palms was the legendary item.

["Railgun"]

[Who will claim it?]

"Holy sh*t, a railgun?!" Uzi nearly flew off her chair before N could react, "N, it's mine, okay?! I said it earlier but seriously, I cannot not have this!! Please??"

"Uzi, of course you can—"

"Okay, thanks!" She quickly clicked her name, and the weapon floated over to her hands. Uzi let out another maniacal laugh as her character jumped around with the legendary item in her hands. She couldn't wait to test it out on some higher-leveled mobs and bosses and maybe even people—

"Uzi!" N called, snapping her out of it, "Remember what you promised! We got the dog, we got your item, now it's night-night time. Biscuits, it's already past one!"

Uzi groaned and grumbled under her breath, which didn't really hide her displeasure since the mic was right in front of her mouth.

"Come on, Uzi."

"Ughhhh!" She crossed her arms and frowned deeply as N began to emote on her. He was doing a funny little dance that made her lips crack a smile. Uzi surrendered with a huff, "Okay, damn, I'll go to bed."

"Yay! Sweet slumber!"

"Yeah, whatever, geez." She fiddled with her fingers for a moment, before saying, "And, N?"

At his hum of acknowledgement, she continued, "I couldn't do this alone. You were pretty useful and helpful and—I guess what I'm trying to say is, uh… thanks."

To her surprise and building anticipation, N didn't respond immediately. After a beat passed, his delighted voice filled her ears.

"I'm glad to be of service. Sleep well, Uzi!"

She sighed silently. "You too, N."

When her computer was shut off and her nightly tasks were done, Uzi laid in bed and wondered if she was an 'okay' friend. She didn't even have to be 'good' or 'decent,' but she was trying to be 'okay.' Friends didn't come easily to her—in fact, they never came to her at all.

N might be the first person to ever… genuinely like me. Uzi rolled in her bed, As a person, that is. As if he'd ever like me like that. In that particular way that I will not name.

Uzi blinked in the darkness, wondering where these thoughts were heading.

I don't even want him to like me that way. Ew, so gross! Uzi tried not to think about how her heart was reacting to her late-night thinking, We're just gamer buddies. We've never met in-person. Hell, I don't even have any of his socials. Not even his Discord. But that's fine because we're just good pals online. I like it that way. It's nice. It's enough.

Uzi, unfortunately, couldn't fully convince herself before she fell asleep into sweet dreams.

The door slammed open, before a heeled boot kicked it shut. Uzi threw down her bag and tore off her shoes, then dashed to her computer. Booting it up, her mind was racing with thoughts of last night.

So glad I was able to leave early today. Thank God it's Friday! Uzi spun around in her chair as her computer was turning on. And now that I’m here…

Uzi gave a deep sigh, not even sure why she was feeling so antsy. No, wait, she knew why—because railgun!!

Rubbing her hands together, Uzi cackled at how much power would be in her character's hands, and how amazing the weapon would be to use.

Catching herself mid-villainess mode, Uzi stopped and remarked, "N was right, I am kinda evil-sounding… Eh, whatever! He can bite me."

The last part made her cheeks warm, but she was starting to get used to her random bouts of warmth. She considered seeing a doctor, but it was probably fine.

Once her computer was fully on, she opened up a new browser and clicked on her bookmark. N’s stream began playing, his familiar, joyful voice resounding in her ears, and his bright smile reaching her through the monitor.

She placed her chin in her hand and smirked, watching as he engaged in combat with some terrifying, reptile-like mobs. The chat, although still scrolling fast, was somewhat docile for over half a hundred thousand viewers, with many of them speaking to him or having their own separate conversations. Uzi chuckled at some of the more ridiculous texts before opening her own game up, deciding to leave his stream on in the background.

Uzi didn’t spend even five minutes into the game before her notifications started to blow up. She mumbled a quiet “what the hell?” as a series of friend requests suddenly began to appear on her screen. Not sure what was going on, but getting annoyed very quickly at the bars of texts and the small dings popping up constantly, she went to her settings and turned off friend requests.

She only had a moment to ponder about the abrupt popularity before her eyes switched over to the broadcast she had on in the background. Her breath caught in her throat; there were lines and lines and lines of messages from the chat, all asking the same question:

“Who is darkXwolf17??”

She screamed.

After she imitated the old and ancient pterodactyl, Uzi took rapid breaths in an attempt to calm herself. N, on the other hand, was looking sheepish on camera, saying, “Whoa, whoa, everyone! She’s just a gamer buddy. No big deal.”

"But it’s a very big deal!" One message wrote. Another message read, "N only has four people on his friends list, and they are his roommates! People already know what their usernames are!"

Uzi felt like she was in outer space.

They have no idea who I am.

There were already clips from the last few minutes floating around in the chat, all titled similarly, something along the lines of "Who is this??" She clicked one to watch, seeing past N playing the game as normal until a notification appeared in the corner of his screen.

[darkXwolf17 is online.]

She balled her fists and groaned at past and present N, who were still busy being embarrassed on screen.

"Why didn't you turn off friend activity notifications, N? Whyyy?"

Present N had his lips pressed into a fine line, until he laughed awkwardly and started messing around with his mouse. "Uh, hehe, okay guys, break time!"

And the livestream cut to commercials. Uzi blinked at the happy actors on camera, until another ding rang in her ears.

[N]: heyyyy uzi i have never seen u on so early before wow, so question, do u wanna meet rq?? pls!? <:3

She let out a low growl in frustration, but sighed and responded back.

[darkXwolf17]: sure

[N]: ok yayy :D i will come to u

It took a moment, but suddenly N's character had teleported right in front of her. Luckily, she didn't move from the city she was in, so he was able to go to her location without any issues.

[darkXwolf17]: follow me

She quickly moved to another area outside of the city, one that wouldn't have a lot of people around. N followed after her, and they did their best to make sure no one spotted them as they moved. Finding a secluded spot in the large, snowy fields, she saw the proximity voice chat indicator light up.

Throughout their relocation, Uzi was wondering what she was going to say to him. She didn't even tell him that she knew he was a very popular streamer, so part of her was curious as to how he would struggle to reveal that to her. She also tried to figure out why she was so angry about his thousands and thousands of fans knowing her display name. It's not like they actually knew who she was, and once she turned off friend requests, it's like nothing ever happened.

This train of thought actually soothed her rage quite a bit. There really was no harm, no foul. However…

N looked so embarrassed, Uzi chuckled inwardly, this could be funny…

"So, N," Uzi leaned back in her chair, a small smirk tugging at the corner of her lips, "do you know why I suddenly got a bunch of friend requests from a ton of randos?"

"Oh, you did? That sounds nice, lots of new gamer buddies, right?" N laughed briskly, not too sure how to admit that it was his fault.

"Like I need all those random people to be on my friends list. Frankly, it was super annoying. Constantly showing up no matter how many I declined." Uzi actually felt her vexation rekindle slightly. The whole experience was very bothersome, after all. But reigning herself in, she continued her little performance, "I wonder if they found out about my railgun? But I just hopped on, so how could they—?"

"Okay, it was me! I'm the reason you got spammed to death, Uzi! It was all me! I'm a streamer and my fans saw your display name and now they're trying to figure out who you are!" N interrupted, his voice hysterical. "You don't usually hop on while I'm streaming so turning off friend activity notifications completely slipped my mind! Ugh, I should have done it sooner, this is why everyone calls me stupid…"

Uzi blinked, not expecting that outburst. Her chest also squeezed a bit at that last part; he sounded way sadder than she has ever heard him. Shame began to overtake her. She wanted to tease him a little, not make him cry or anything.

"Ahh, biscuits… I'm sorry, Uzi, I made you mad again…"

"N, I'm not mad. Really, I'm not." Uzi said as gently as she could, "And no one thinks you're stupid. Your fans love you and comment on your game strategy all the time!"

N sighed, "I wasn't talking about my audience."

Oh, was all Uzi had to say, and she couldn't even bring herself to say it out loud.

"Wait, how do you know they say that about me?"

The woman paused, wondering how she found herself in this predicament. Well, if he was being honest, she could try to be, too.

"I… watch you? Hehe, I mean, you are pretty big on the platform, so… yeah."

Uzi wasn't sure why, but admitting it was making her feel way more anxious than she expected. And awkward.

Why am I feeling like a stalker? Everyone watches him too, so does that mean they're all stalkers? No, Uzi, just means you watch him for entertainment and nothing else.

"You watch me? Does that mean…" N sounded very confused, "you knew who I was this whole time? Aw, Uzi, why didn't you tell me? You got me so worked up about telling you!"

Uzi definitely was feeling that shame. "Sorry, I just casually watch you so… not like I'm a big fan or anything to freak out about it."

She ignored the small voice that was chastising her for her lack of honesty. Yep, still not. At all.

"It's okay! You were the first person to treat me normally, so, I guess I thought that telling you would make you treat me differently."

"As if, N," she rolled her eyes, somewhat touched at his worry that their… whatever they had would change, "you're still my gamer buddy, right?"

His voice was full of cheer. "Always!"

“Yeah, so… don’t worry about it.” Uzi wrung her hands together, “Also, aren’t you in the middle of your stream?”

“Oh, yeah! Gotta get back from commercials.” N was somehow audibly smiling, and Uzi knew the question before he even asked, “Do youuuu wanna join me—?”

“No.”

“Aww.”

“Sorry, N. I’m just too… rogue for that, you know? Er, actually, I don’t think you would. Nevermind.” Uzi began to push her character into his, as though she was pushing him away. “Thanks for the invite, I guess.”

“You’re always welcome! I’d love to show everyone how awesome my gamer buddy is!”

She flushed, warmth filling her to her core. There’s no way she was reacting like this because he wanted to show her off to thousands and thousands of his fans. No way!

“Uhh… ugh, whatever, N, so sappy! Just shut up and go back to your stream!”

“Okey-dokey! We’re still playing later?”

Uzi, for once, smiled, “Of course.”

“Okay, I’ll see you in a few!”

And then he disappeared. Once he was gone, Uzi turned her attention back to his stream, and saw him apologizing to his viewers for the long wait. The chat was now asking him many questions, many still related to her, but otherwise, the quest for her identity seemed to slowly fade… for now. Uzi sighed in relief, yet feeling her heart still constricting at the thought of joining him in his game, especially during a live broadcast!

She shook her head. She could never do that to him, or else his audience would judge him for the type of friend that she was. Dragging him into the same loner world she lived in was the least of her intentions. She’d probably bring his viewership down, make him lose all his money and advertisem*nts, and destroy his entire career!

Uzi clapped her face, then groaned. “Overdramatic, much?”

She fixed her posture on her chair and stretched. Enough with the thoughts of N, those could come later. For now…

Uzi grin stretched across her visage as she cackled.

She had a railgun to use.

Chapter 3: loner girl in her loner world

Chapter Text

When Uzi woke up the next day, she expected the time to be at least twelve, with maybe a couple hours over.

Imagine her surprise when she woke up at a crisp and early nine in the morning on a Saturday. And she barely felt sleepy.

Tossing and turning, she grumbled at the lack of drowsiness, yet relished in the soft comfort of her bed. No work today meant she could be as lazy as she wanted to be. With that in mind, she forced herself to the bathroom and completed morning tasks, before sprinting back to bed and diving for the sheets.

Maybe N was right about a better sleep schedule… Uzi considered as she stared up at her ceiling, because I don't feel like crap. Surprisingly.

Uzi rolled over on her side, arm propped under her head. She pinched and pulled the messy purple locks that spilled into her vision.

Last night, before she joined up with N post-stream, she finally got to use her legendary weapon.

A cackle escaped her when she remembered using it yesterday.

It was absolutely bad-ass.

When activated and charged-up, it released a beautiful, scintillating green ray of light that possessed an incredible reach across the map with a somewhat narrow width. This meant that if she lined up multiple targets correctly, she could wipe them out in one go.

The railgun was terrifyingly powerful because its damage-type was true damage, which meant it ignored all resistances such as physical, heat, cold, and the like. The damage exponentially scaled with how long she charged it up for, starting at a base of one-hundred hit points. This meant that if she charged it up for at least ten seconds, the damage would be ten billion hit points!

Ten seconds, however, was a very long time in a video game that was always fast-paced and hectic. While she was winding the weapon up, her speed decreased dramatically, which left her very invulnerable. She would only have enough time to charge it up for maybe three or four seconds and fire it off before she was stunned or knocked down by the enemy. That meant her damage would barely exceed 10,000 hit points, and higher-leveled anything had much more health than that.

While the charge-up could be worked around with a decent battle strategy, the worst part by far was the cooldown.

Once the railgun fired off, it went on a 24-hour cooldown, regardless if she hit her target or not.

When she read this part in the weapon's description, the first words out of her mouth were "What the everloving f*ck Drones Online??? Just let me blow people up as much as I want!!"

Needless to say, she flew into a wrathful frenzy. Reading up on all the threads about the railgun that she could find, she discovered that the developers originally designed it with a 30-minute cooldown. However, the idea was scrapped when it was tested in a very short-lived beta server. A majority of the player base found it to be too overpowered if it could be used multiple times in a day.

Uzi remembered complaining to N about it last night, having said, "The railgun already has so many caveats, but they still just can't play around it? Ugh… so lame! Bunch of losers…"

N had only replied, "If it makes you feel any better, at least you're the only one in the game who has it. No one can instakill like you can, Uzi. In your hands, you'll be way stronger and cooler than you already are!"

His words had left her speechless, and so she dumbly just said, "If you say so, N…"

She hugged her pillow to her face, attempting to drown out the warmth that spread across her face. Why she was unable to think of anything better in response was beyond her. Curse her inability to interact with people correctly! But, also, it wasn't her fault that the person she's talking to throws random compliments at her face. What is she supposed to say? 'Thank you'?

Okay, I feel more stupid now. Saying 'thank you' would be a good place to start. But if he keeps throwing it at me, then what do I do next? Do I just keep saying it? Do I have to say something similar back?

Uzi ruffled her hair in exasperation.

Stupid N…

Lowering the pillow, she resumed her observation of the ceiling.

It was strange for her to realize that she had a gamer buddy now, especially since that gamer buddy was a large streamer who she didn't start watching until about three weeks ago. But even though he was so much different than her, he was someone she could play with every night, and someone who actually enjoyed her presence.

And N's… tolerable… and likable, I guess. He's nice and cool. He's funny.

Since meeting him on Sunday night, she found herself more and more looking forward to hopping on the game at night. She was already so enthralled with the game, but playing with him just made it… better, somehow. She could laugh with him, she could be in awe at the scenery with him, she could discuss lore with him—hell, she could even act out the dialogue of NPCs with him in silly voices. Playing with him this past week instead of playing alone somehow made the amazing game so much better, and she felt…

Less like a freak. More like a person.

Uzi squeezed the pillow to herself.

Less alone.

Her vision drifted from the ceiling to her bedside table.

The framed picture of a complete family stared back at her. Happy smiles all around, yet not on the reflection of a young woman laying in her bed.

Uzi shook her head, fighting off the nostalgia that was beginning to ache. Reaching for her phone, she turned away from the bedside table.

Out of habit, she checked N's stream, but since it was still before noon, he wasn't live. She yawned, checking her Crunchyroll app instead. Since her dad made sure her living situation was rent-free, all the money she earned was hers to save or spend, so of course she would spend a little bit on a premium membership for anime.

Resuming her episode, Uzi immersed herself in the world of Japanese cartoons. When her stomach began to grumble, she dragged herself out of bed and into the kitchen, eyes still glued to the screen. When she couldn't keep watching while she was preparing and cooking her brunch, she plugged some wireless headphones into her ears and listened. Being half-Japanese meant knowing a good enough amount of the language just so she could listen to anime.

Thanks, Mom.

It was about twelve by the time Uzi finished her food and nearly seven episodes. As she was cleaning after herself, she saw the notification that N started streaming. Wiping her hands on her towel, she sat down on her couch and switched to his broadcast.

"Hey guys," N greeted, looking as clean, as fluffy, and as smiley as ever, "hope you are all having a great Saturday so far! I thought we could chill a bit first, then play some Drones Online."

The chat was thriving, with messages and messages one after the other. His weekend streams were always a huge hit since many people like her didn't have work or school to go to.

The thought of school made her brain die a little, so she distracted herself with his stream.

The viewer count is almost at sixty-thousand, and it just started! And all he's doing is talking! Slightly disturbed, a little impressed, and mainly in disbelief, Uzi watched him skim through the texts. N narrowed his eyes at the camera and responded, "No, brandonishere, darkXwolf17 is not gonna be joining us."

With the onset of complaints, she felt herself heating up at the idea of so many people wanting her there.

Why though? Uzi furrowed her eyebrows, They don't even know me, so why would they want me to be there?

"Why do you guys want her on my stream so badly?" N asked his viewers, as if asking the question for her, "Am I not enough?"

The chat reassured N that he was more than enough, but they also fired a million questions at him about her. A majority of them just wanted to know exactly who she was. Some of them were already assuming she was his romantic partner of some sort.

Uzi rolled her eyes, but also hated how the thought made her heart beat a little faster.

The internet and its constant shipping, ugh.

"Like I said yesterday, she's just a gamer buddy. I play games with her! That's not illegal, is it?"

He tried to calm them with his nonchalant answers. However, chat was relentless and very nosy. While some of them felt like they were prying too much into the streamer's personal life, most wanted to know more. Having a singular, unknown, female gamer buddy among his very well-known roommates on his friends list was deemed as "highly suspicious."

"Suspicious? Pfft, you guys are suspicious."

Uzi snorted. N, that makes no sense.

"Anyways, even if I wanted her on, she doesn't wanna get on." N told them, crossing his arms, "She's too cool for us, guys. So give it up."

The aforementioned woman blushed at the boldness of his statement. She mumbled, "I hate that you just said that in front of thousands and thousands of people…"

"Aw, don't get me wrong, Coolgirl80, you are all cool too! But, well, she's—" N started, but he snapped his mouth shut, as though the words that were about to come out were ones he shouldn't blurt out. Instead, he smiled and shrugged, but that only fueled chat's curiosity more. It even ignited Uzi's curiosity, as she wondered what he was going to say.

"Sorry, chat. I'll be taking no more questions right now about my gamer buddy."

Suddenly, there was a line of text being spammed on the chat by multiple users. It grew to nearly all of them sending the exact same phrase: "Gatekeeper N!"

They made it into a copypasta, what the hell… Uzi was absolutely incredulous as the text was spammed in his chat with some silly emojis. N rolled his eyes, a small chuckle coming from his lips.

"You guys are so funny. If that's what you think, then yes. I am gatekeeping her. She's my gamer buddy, not yours!" He stuck his tongue out at them, and then pointed his finger toward the camera, "Also, she told me yesterday that a lot of you bothered her by sending her random friend requests. I'm not sure why a certain amount of you did that, but if it's not for the intention of being her friend, then don't do that! And she didn't accept any of them, anyway. She just wants me, haha!"

Uzi shot up on her couch, her face feeling hotter than ever.

"N! You—ugh—you idiot!!" She yelled at her screen, as though he could hear her. His goofy, teasing expression was starting to piss her off, even if it wasn't directly for her. "How could you—AGHH!!"

Uzi flopped onto her couch, feeling lightheaded from the heat circulating her body. Her emotions were a mix of flustered and anger, with something else sprinkled in there that she would not decipher.

"As her gamer buddy, of course. Didn't mean it in any other way." Uzi ignored how his clarification made her feel a tinge of disappointment. "So there. Now, onto the other question I saw. Why yes, eatingmyshorts, I am having a good Saturday. Thank you for asking."

Uzi couldn't believe he was barely looking embarrassed after all of his bold proclamations. Meanwhile, she was like a puddle of goo on her couch. Her mind collected itself together, irrational and vexing thoughts swirling around in her head.

Does he even know how this makes me feel?!

Her rage resurfaced, pushing away all of her other confusing feelings, and grew into something unhinged.

I'm gonna kill him.

Once evening descended, the world around her grew darker. The only source of light emitted from the monitor in front of her. It beamed straight at her, keeping her wide awake.

It was night in her game, as well. There laid a type of darkness that only stemmed from an apocalyptic world with desecrated buildings all around. She was not afraid, however. In the area where her character stayed, she had slain all the mobs within. All she was doing now was waiting.

A series of footsteps gradually resounded through her headset. It was accompanied by the continuous crunching of snow, the clacking of metal, and the rustling of fabric. She had her character stand up and turn to the approaching visitor.

"Hey, Uzi!" N said joyously, "I finally made it! Man, you picked a really distant, secluded, and eerily empty spot. Nice!"

At her lack of response, his avatar made a little spin, checking for something he may have missed. However, there was absolutely nothing except the two of them.

He sounded nervous, now. "Uh, why are we here again?"

Uzi bit down hard, ignoring how a small part of her wanted to back down.

No, he needs to learn.

"N…"

"Yeah?"

"There were some… things… that you said today." Uzi practiced what was told to her about communicating properly. "You… embarrassed me. People might have stupid ideas now, because of you…"

"...Is this about earlier?" N asked, sounding sheepish, "If it is, I'm sorry, Uzi. They were just really persistent, and I didn't wanna tell them too much, so I was trying to get them to leave it alone, but I guess I didn't really do that well, and I think I ended up making it worse."

She was never really good at communication, though. At least the game allowed her to hurt.

"Just shut up, N."

And with a few keys, she initiated her attack.

Rods of metal shot out of the ground, stabbing straight through his character's limbs. Rooting N in his spot, she ignored the player-versus-player combat meter appearing at the top of her screen.

"Whoa, Uzi?! What are you doing??" He sounded shocked—hurt, even—and somehow that quelled her wrath even more. She bit her lip and pushed herself to act.

Her railgun appeared in her hands, and she began to charge it up.

One… two…

Uzi started to speak, her voice hard but a little abashed, "Yes, we are gamer buddies. But that's it! So, you can't just say things like you own me or you are protecting me or—or something—because—"

Three… four…

He struggled to escape, but he also responded with a hasty and worried, "Uzi, I'm sorry if it made you feel uncomfortable, I didn't—"

"It's not just that! It also… It made me…"

It makes me think about things I know you don't think about.

"Uzi…"

Five… six…

Her finger almost lifted off of her mouse, but she held it down firmly. She was Uzi Doorman, a loner girl with no friends, and nothing really nice or neat about her. It frustrated her that N liked her so much for basically no reason. Enough to spew it out to his fans about how she was his gamer buddy and his only.

Seven… eight…

For her, it was too intimate, too vulnerable, too close.

It was undeserved.

Nine…

He's gonna learn that I'm an emo rogue with no time or patience for idiots that make stupid announcements to thousands of people.

Ten.

And she let go.

The blinding ray of light came through first, then the harsh, sharp sound of her weapon releasing its immense energy.

After a moment, her eyes regained their clarity, and she saw that nothing was left in the wake of her beam.

Completely disintegrated.

Uzi felt her shoulders slacken as the rage from before reduced into a pool of guilt at the bottom of her stomach. The railgun beeped and changed its light from a brilliant emerald into a crimson red, notifying her that it began its 24-hour cooldown.

I might have gone too far. Who knows what he'll lose after this death? And… I guess it's not cool when a supposed gamer buddy suddenly kills you. Uzi shifted uncomfortably on her chair. He'll hate me for sure, now.

And that thought brought a sting to her eyes—

—until a cloud of snow covered the screen, and the monitor brimmed with an alarming redness.

What the hell??

When the cloud dissipated, N's character was trapping hers to the snowy ground, his elongated claw stabbing right through her shoulder. His other claw was hovering over her very defenseless form.

It was a kill stance, and she was right where he needed her to be.

She could die here.

Of course he got out in time. Uzi sighed as she slouched, He's good as hell at the game, why did I think I could get him?

"Uzi…" N spoke tenderly, despite his character's horrifyingly threatening visage. There wasn't a trace of malice behind his words. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you hated me talking about you that much."

She couldn't move yet, so she took her hands off of her controls and wrapped it around her knees.

People have always talked about her just to talk about her. She's only ever been hurt by the words whispered behind her back.

She wasn't hurt this time, but like hell she would let it happen again.

"...I did hate it. It was very sappy." Uzi responded, her voice with only half the anger she wanted to express, "And it annoyed the hell out of me."

"Why?"

"Bite me. You don't know me enough to say those things about me. I don't want you to be comfortable saying stuff about me that isn't true."

"...I mean it when I say that I think you're cool, Uzi." He said slowly, "And I didn't tell my audience, but you're also fun to play with. You make everything good about this game better."

Uzi gritted her teeth, feeling that familiar warmth rise to her face. Surprisingly, what he was saying was very similar to her thoughts this morning.

"I'm not supposed to be 'cool,' I'm just an edgy and an unfortunately emotional person."

"You could be all of that, though? Cool, edgy, rogue, emo..." N said it like it wasn't what she was humiliated and shunned for most of her life. He said it like it was normal, and it made her feel… normal. "You are all of that. And more, of course."

His character retracted his claw, and both of their models stood up. The combat meter went away, and he sprayed out more health pots at her that she reluctantly took.

Uzi let the silence linger, before saying, "Sorry I tried to kill you."

"That's okay. You aren't the first." N chuckled, "People try to fight me all the time."

"Ugh, yeah…" Uzi tried to remember how many times N lost at player-versus-player combat (which was zero), and was starting to see more and more reasons why trying to kill him was a bad idea.

"Instead of trying to kill me though, we could just talk about it next time."

"I mean, sure, but I was kinda stewing in my anger for a while and, uh," Uzi felt more and more shame as she went on, "I was already set on murdering you in cold blood. I couldn't talk to you about it until you hopped on."

"Well, there's an easy fix for that, you know." N said jokingly, "And it doesn't require murder."

Against her will, she cracked a small smile. He always found a way to do that.

"Oh, yeah?"

He asked bluntly, "You wanna exchange Discords?"

She inhaled sharply, which helped her avoid saying something stupid, then said a very simple, "Really?"

"Yeah, of course! Here."

He typed it to her in their private messaging channel. She gulped, feeling the little hairs on her skin raise as she typed his username into her Discord's user search bar.

In just a few seconds, they were suddenly connected through Discord.

"Now you can message me whenever you want! Guaranteed. Even if I'm, well, 'working.'"

"...Thanks, N."

He was probably the nicest, most wholesome person she has ever met. Even in her rather exaggerated fit of rage, or even in the moments where she was overly angry at him, he was still very understanding and kind toward her. Being nice probably comes easy to him, but to do so in the face of someone's wrath is something very difficult to do. She should know, since she works in retail and fails at it most times.

In a rare moment of shyness, she tapped her thumbs together. Muttering, she confessed, "I think you're cool, too."

He—in his very smiley voice—asked, "What was that?"

"I know you heard me! I'm not saying it again!" She hissed, all feelings of vulnerability dwindling. He chuckled at her response.

"Thank you, Uzi! It means a lot coming from a rogue, emo—"

With a startled snort, she rolled her eyes with a grin. "Oh, God, kill me now."

"—edgy, cool girl such as yourself. I'm honored. Can I brag about this to my fans?"

"You're so ridiculous."

"It makes me good at my job!"

"Yeah, like, never try that in any other occupation. Except maybe as a clown… or a comedian."

They shared a small bout of laughter, then after another passing moment of comfortable silence, he claimed, "I'm a little tired and in need of a YouTube break, do you wanna watch with me?"

Uzi saw through him, however. "Is this just your way of getting me on Discord with you?"

"...Maybe."

She relented with a grin, but tried to not let it show through her voice. "Okayyy, fine, N."

For the first time, instead of playing all night until bedtime, they decided to spend their time outside of the game. Uzi answered the Discord call she received from N, and he immediately shared his YouTube screen with her. He was on some meme compilation, and before he began the video, he inquired, "Also, have you been watching me since noon?"

"Bite me. Just play the damn memes, N."

"Okay, okay!"

The video started, but before she could really get into it, he remarked, "You're still always welcome on my stream, by the way. I think my viewers would love to have you on."

"I heard you yesterday." She snorted, "In your dreams."

The video played only for approximately two minutes before he spoke again.

"I did have a dream about it, actually!"

He paused the video to talk about it, and she groaned. It was right at the funny part when the kid was about to fall off the slide.

"So I was streaming like usual, but then I realized you were also with me, and we weren't playing Drones Online but we were playing this zombie game and I got scared—"

As N went on about what happened in his dream, Uzi was surprised at how nice it was to just listen to him talk. There was no broadcast, no video game, no video, and no other distractions. It was just him talking about his dream to her, and when he finished, she was quick to describe one of her own. Time passed, but she paid no mind.

She was with him, talking and sharing silly stories. At that moment, for all she cared, it could take up all of her time in the world. Something N said made Uzi laugh, and she didn't realize that it was not in her typical gremlin-esque manner, but instead with genuine happiness.

A tiny desire lit unknowingly in her heart, wishing these nights would last forever.

Chapter 4: the moon among the stars

Chapter Text

Uzi woke up, once again feeling refreshed and well-rested. She stretched briefly, then checked her phone beside her for the time. To her half-surprise, it was around nine in the morning. Although she felt like she had a lot more time in the day thanks to waking up early, tomorrow was Monday, which meant today was a countdown until Monday. Because of this, Sunday mornings were not as special as Saturday mornings, but she supposed that what mattered most was that it was still the weekend.

Unlocking her phone, she blinked in surprise at the application that popped up. Memories of last night flooded into her brain. As it turns out, she had fallen asleep while she was messaging N on Discord. She read the previous messages he sent to her when she had been knocked out.

N 07/23/2023 12:13 AM

i just saw a vid on how to put items on pets :o

so i can put the bandana on my golden dog!!

he will look so cuuutee

btw do u think they'll reveal where the solver virus came from?

i saw on a theory vid that solver and disassembly classes might be related through the virus

N 07/23/2023 12:15 AM

hello? :(

uziiiiiiiii

uuuuuzzzzziiiiii

uzi if u r not asleep then respond >:3

N 07/23/2023 12:18 AM

awwwww i guess she fell asleep

lil uzi sleeping so soundly hehe

good job me!!

ok i go to sleep too now

sleep well uzi! :3

She rolled her eyes at his antics, but felt her stomach doing odd twists and turns at the texts. Even her hands felt clammy.

Ugh, I better not be sick.

She considered this.

Maybe I am sick… of N… being too wholesome.

She flipped onto her other side and sent him a few messages back.

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 9:04 AM

i'm glad u feel sooo good about fixing my sleep schedule

if i knock out during our conversations tho, just know it's ur fault

She placed her phone down with a harrumph, then went to the bathroom to freshen up. Returning to her bed, a couple new messages awaited her.

N 07/23/2023 9:06 AM

good morning to u too!

and i will be glad to remember that every time u get good rest :D

waking up at 9 is nicer than 2 right?

Uzi frowned. That wasn't the answer she wanted. It was so hard to tease him, because he either took it too seriously or not at all.

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 9:08 AM

iiii guessssss

so what time do u usually wake up anyway?

N 07/23/2023 9:09 AM

around 7 or 8

i like to go gym in the morning and do other errands since i sit around allll day

She felt a little guilty, remembering the first night they met. He stayed up until four in the morning because of her, and she wondered if he had only gotten three or four hours of sleep that night. She somewhat hoped that she was wrong, and that he actually slept in for a couple of hours before streaming the next day.

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 9:09 AM

how productive of u

i could never

N 07/23/2023 9:10 AM

well, it comes with the busy house lol

lots of ppl get ready in the morning, so it became my habit too

She was about to type back, but her thumbs tapped each other instead. She has heard about his roommates from previous streams, as well as random compilations on YouTube. These videos showed that they even sometimes made cameos on his streams, but his camera never captured anyone's full body.

The only roommate that was completely known to the community was V, who was another extremely famous streamer, maybe even more-so than N. Her streams consisted of a variety of games, which were usually fighter games. Uzi could not believe that this woman was in the top 500 in their region for every fighter game she played, whether it was Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, or even Super Smash Bros. She even told her audience that she took herself to local tournaments. Besides her incredible digital combat skill, her camera work always involved teasing her audience with a provocative view of her cleavage. Both aspects usually brought about a ton of donations from her fans.

After she did some digging on old broadcasts, Uzi found out that V was one of N's childhood friends. She sorta looked like him, but female, so Uzi mistakenly thought she was his sister until she claimed otherwise.

To make things worse, the remaining three roommates were all women. She had scoured around the trenches of Reddit a few nights ago, and concluded that one might be rich and talented, another might be a successful businesswoman, and the last one was extremely gifted in computer science. All of his roommates dabbled in Drones Online, not religiously as N, but that's why N only had them on his friends list.

Uzi felt the familiar painful squeeze in her chest. She could not pinpoint the exact reason why N living with and being surrounded by amazing, high-quality women made her so queasy and generally unhappy.

He must be used to hanging around classy and successful girls, huh? Uzi thought to herself, crossing her arms, I wonder if I'm a breath of fresh air, 'cus I'm totally nothing like them…

These thoughts seemed to depress her mood even more. She barely registered that more texts had appeared from N. He was asking her why she suddenly went quiet.

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 9:15 AM

was just thinking stuff

yeahh idk lol i still dont think i could

ur roommates seem even more productive than u

N 07/23/2023 9:15 AM

thinking stuff? >.>

yeah they got a lot going on, and they're wayy better than i am at life

but i'm happy for them!

Uzi blinked at the replies. How weird that he seemed to be feeling exactly what she was feeling. Snuggling deeper into the comfort of her bed, she responded.

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 9:16 AM

idk what u mean by "better than u" but it's false

u are cool in ur own right

Her cheeks warmed, but feeling bold, she typed up quickly:

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 9:17 AM

prob the coolest guy in ur house

There was a passing moment before the chat showed that he was responding. His message popped up soon after.

N 07/23/2023 9:17 AM

i'm the only guy tho

She felt her eyebrow twitch at that.

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 9:17 AM

ok andd

point still stands

so dont think down on urself

She has never experienced this before, but she was getting oddly protective over N against his self-deprecating behavior. It wasn't the first time he said something similar, but she noticed that he did it more often than not. It was, however, the first time she was compelled to say something. N always found ways to make her feel better about her flaws, so she figured that an 'okay' friend would do the same.

N 07/23/2023 9:19 AM

uzi ;-;

u r so sweet

i just wanna give u a biggg hug

Uzi was definitely heating up now.

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 9:19 AM

bit me

bite*

and no ty not a hugger

also i'm not trying to be sweet i am just telling the truth ok

N 07/23/2023 9:20 AM

would still try to hug

dont worry uzi

u r still emo, rogue, edgy, and cool

but also sweet

Uzi was flinging her pillow around, unsure where this burst of energy was coming from. She exhaled in an attempt to calm herself, and grabbed her phone.

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 9:20 AM

omg literally shut up

i'm gonna leave u now bc u said that

N 07/23/2023 9:21 AM

NOOO

i'm sorrrry 👉👈

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 9:21 AM

too late! mwuahahaha

i leaveee

but fr i need to go, i'm hungy

Uzi felt her stomach grumble. Typically, she would wake up too late to enjoy breakfast, but it seemed that early waking came with early hunger.

N 07/23/2023 9:22 AM

aw ok

ttyl? 🥺

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 9:22 AM

obv

catch ur stream later

After they exchanged their heartfelt goodbyes (way more from N than herself), she did another stretch, before forcing herself out of bed. Food, unfortunately, was not gonna make itself. She wondered if she had any bacon…

When noon hit, N began his stream as usual.

Usually, she didn't mind being just another person in his audience. Watching him was nice, but with all the time they have spent together, she decided that interacting was even better. She didn't want her messages to be drowned out in the rolling sea that was the chat, however. So when he won yet another impressive combat against a player, she went to their Discord DMs and sent him a message.

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 12:35 PM

with every combat u win, i think i really should have recpnsidered trying to kill u

reconsidered* too lazy to edit

Uzi watched his eyes switch to his other screen—one that wasn't showing on stream, thankfully. She felt a little warm as he read her message in front of his audience, even if they didn't know what he was looking at, and only grew warmer when he smiled cheekily. He typed back to her.

N 07/23/2023 12:36 PM

it's okay! :D i also praise the effort

Uzi rolled her eyes. It felt like pity was being tossed at her but she tried to ignore it.

N 07/23/2023 12:37 PM

besides, if any1 could kill me, it'll prob be u ;)

She stared at the message, particularly at the winky face. Watching N's camera, he seemed unfazed, as though he hadn't just messaged her a teasing remark. Uzi noticed that N's demeanor seemed to have gotten stranger and sappier since they exchanged Discords. But right now, he was…

…definitely pitying her. Her anger started to rise.

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 12:38 PM

stop trying to rile me up

go back to streaming

She watched him glance at his other monitor, type quickly with a small pout, then resume his gameplay.

N 07/23/2023 12:38 PM

aw ok

Uzi snorted, before it turned into a chuckle. He was so silly for trying so hard to make sure he responded as soon as possible. She wasn't sure why, but his dedication to replying fast was making her head fuzzy.

She had her own game open since morning after breakfast, and had taken a break from doing the main storyline to watch his stream. With her head in her hand and her elbow on the desk, she thought back to his offer to join his stream. He only played the main storyline when he streamed, and Uzi considered if she was leveled-up enough to play with him. Then, she frowned.

I'm not really thinking about playing with him, am I?

Uzi was quite skilled at her class at this point. Despite not being able to beat N, she has bested many people at player-versus-player combat. The railgun was also a great addition to her kit. All of her time grinding mobs and going on sidequests had also leveled her up considerably.

She… could play with him. She wasn't as far behind as she used to be, anymore.

She didn't have to worry about embarrassing herself in front of thousands of people.

I still might, though. Uzi tapped her desk with her other hand, I could mess up and then everyone would judge me for being sh*t at the game. And I don't wanna be judged by a bunch of idiots… again.

She can already hear N countering her argument, and he would probably say something like, "No way! You're gonna blow everyone's minds with how good you are!"

She sighed. Even when arguing with imaginary N, she seems to lose her words. Uzi watched him play for a few more minutes, before she resumed her own gameplay.

Me, on stream… that would be dumb.

Uzi mindlessly slaughtered some mobs as the thought continued in her mind.

But maybe, it will also be fun?

Dinner time, dinner time~

N hurried down the stairs, smelling the aroma of a delicious stew. He found one of his roommates sitting at the kitchen table.

"You hungry, aye? I just finished." She pointed toward the pot on the stove. N grabbed his own bowl, his stomach grumbling.

"Thanks, Tessa! It looks great!" He scooped out the stew into his bowl. It warmed his hands, smelled wonderfully savory, and made his mouth water. He asked her, "Did everyone else eat?"

"I delivered a bowl to Cyn. You know how she is. That girl may be a young genius, but she never leaves her room."

"True."

"J hasn't come back yet from her business outing. V is—"

"RAHH!"

"AHH!"

"—right behind you." Tessa finished with a grin as the other woman was guffawing. N was still trying to catch his breath after getting the daylights scared out of him. She stood up straight, patting N roughly on his back.

"I do that all the time, yet you still pee your pants. Thought you grew out of being a wimpy loser already, N."

He frowned at her, finally breathing normally. "It's not my fault if you’re the one scaring me too much!"

"You're right." V giggled. "It's mine."

N crossed his arms, but he lightened up a bit. "Are you on your dinner break, too?"

"Duh," V fixed her shirt as she walked over to the pot, inhaling its fragrance. "Damn, Tessa, this smells good. I guess you're good at everything, huh?"

"You both flatter me!" Tessa waved her hand, "But yes, I suppose I am extremely talented in many skills."

"Okay, girl, bring it back down." V rolled her eyes as she got her own bowl of stew. She glanced at N, who was refilling his water bottle, and then back at her phone, which had her stream playing. She still had commercials filling the void, but her audience was waiting for her, and she had money to rake in. However, she just couldn't reel back her curiosity enough…

"N?"

"Yeah?" He responded, before taking a swig.

"Do you have a girlfriend now?"

And then there was a spray of water, sprinkling liquid all over the floor.

"Aw, N, what the hell?!" Tessa exclaimed. V only looked at him in disgust. "Ew."

He coughed, choking out an apology, before fetching paper towels. As he was cleaning up his mess, he nervously asked, "What brings up that question?"

V arched an eyebrow at his flustered behavior. "Well, N, not sure if you forgot, but you're kinda a giant streamer on a big platform. I saw the clips floating around about you and… a girl named 'darkXwolf17'?"

"Her name is Uzi! We're, um, online friends..." N admitted; he felt his face heat up while he threw his trash away. Tessa chuckled in the background, then piped up, "Well, that’s certainly a username. Sounds like something an eight-year-old would make, though. You sure you’re not about to catch a case, N?”

“First of all, she’s not my girlfriend! She's just a friend. And secondly, no, you guys are being silly—”

He paused, then sweat started to bead on his forehead. How old was she, anyway?

Both women were waiting for him to continue. Tessa questioned, “N?”

“Uhhh, wait.” N pulled out his phone, then began typing as fast as he could.

N 07/23/2023 6:28 PM

quick q, how old r u?

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 6:28 PM

uh… 18? why?

N wiped the sweat from his brow, his heart rate calming considerably.

N 07/23/2023 6:28 PM

just wondering hehe

i'm 21 if u were wondering

not to be weird or somethingg

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 6:29 PM

ok weirdo

cool

N 07/23/2023 6:29 PM

it's not weird to want to know how old ur friend isss

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 6:29 PM

lol sureee

u ever coming back btw? been waiting 4ever

N was about to type back, until someone yanked his phone out of his hand. He yelped, his hands grabbing nothing.

"Hey!"

"Now let's see what's making you smile like a creep." V placed a hand on her hip and scrolled through his chat, a wicked grin across her face. Tessa was hovering over her shoulder, undeniably curious. N tried to grab it back, but V evaded him as she quickly reviewed their conversations.

"So you really didn't know how old she was? I hope she's telling the truth, maybe ask for her ID, too!" V snickered with Tessa as they continued to dodge N's frantic grabbing. The Australian woman snorted as they both witnessed how often he was called out by Uzi for saying something sappy. "Wow, N, we need to work on your flirting."

For some reason, he took offense to that. "Guys! Come on!"

V huffed and tossed the phone back to him, where he juggled it in his palms before firmly grasping it. He sighed in relief, which only made her raise an eyebrow. N frowned; he never liked it when V scrutinized him. He blamed it on the crush he had on her when they were younger. Being together for so long, however, made everyone feel more like family, and he could never see V the same after. But her (as well as everyone else's) opinion still mattered to him.

The woman grabbed her bowl and walked toward him, her expression no longer teasing but serious.

"Be careful, N. Don't be stupid and start giving her money or, I don't know, a few organs. Make sure she is who she says she is." She eyed him skeptically, "And you should probably see what she looks like, too. Knowing you, you probably completely forgot to ask."

She brushed past him, but it didn't erase her obvious concern for his safety. It was very touching, especially in their household of less-than-affectionate siblingship.

"V…"

She looked at him over her shoulder, a sad*stic smirk on her face. "And don't be too loud at night. I don't wanna hear you guys making e-babies!"

He blushed at the implication, shouting incredulously, "V! We aren't doing anything like that!"

She cackled and yelled from her room. "Not yet!"

Tessa groaned, "Sooo gross. I do not need to have that image in my head."

N felt like he was on fire. "Me neither."

He hastily gathered his bowl and his water bottle, and with a salute to the older woman, he escaped to his room.

Before taking off the commercials, he finally responded to Uzi's message.

N 07/23/2023 6:34 PM

srry! about to start again

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 6:34 PM

finally

N 07/23/2023 6:34 PM

got held up by roommates :(

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 6:35 PM

np lol

not just me waiting u kno >.>

ur other 50k viewers are waiting

N 07/23/2023 6:35 PM

yaa tru

but came back for u

She didn't respond, and N was wondering if he took it too far. And here he thought it was a pretty good line. His flirting was adequate, or so he would like to believe, which proved that he didn't need advice from single women!

As he waited for her to respond, he set the current ad that was playing to be the last. His audience would surely be wondering why it took him so long to return. He wondered what he should say to them, but then decided he could just say "roommates" and all would be forgiven.

There was still radio-silence from his Discord, however. He began to bounce his leg uneasily.

He knew next to nothing about Uzi so… it's not like he was trying to actually flirt with her. He just wanted to prove to himself that he could if he wanted to. Which he… didn't… want to. She was just his gamer buddy, after all. It's not like her nice, cute, high-pitched voice and funny little gremlin laughs lived in his head rent free or anything, and especially not after they spent all their nights together this past week. Don't get him started on how her giggles of genuine happiness turn his brain into mush—

Oh, boy, the silence was really starting to get to him. He nearly typed an apology or some excuse, but she finally replied.

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 6:38 PM

domt mske me try to kill u again

dont make***

N chuckled at her typos, then wrote.

N 07/23/2023 6:38 PM

you already tried that, remember? ;D

but feel free to try again! i believe in u

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 6:39 PM

shut upppppp

uh

btw

ur stream has been playing, u'r just typing and smiling and ppl are getting sus

Oh…

N gulped, facing his camera with an expression equivalent to getting caught opening presents early on Christmas Eve.

…biscuits.

"Hey, guys! Sorry for the wait. Roommates talked to me, so I was late, haha!" N felt bullets of sweat forming, now. The excuse barely worked now that he was caught on stream just sitting and typing. He lifted his still steaming bowl, "Look, I got stew!"

He skimmed the chat, noticing the large number of users that definitely did not believe him. Many were asking bluntly who he was messaging, and N was beginning to get tired of the interrogations for the night. He already got enough scrutiny from his roommates. He didn't need it from fifty-thousand people.

Ignoring the questions, he placed his bowl in front of him and proceeded to pull up YouTube. "So for this dinner break, let's watch the newest patch video for Drones Online, and then some stream fails."

One stray chat message did get him to respond, however. He actually laughed and said, "No, Poopoopeepee, I will not be watching myself. I hardly consider it a stream fail if I forgot my stream was playing. It's gotta be something funnier!"

The resulting responses made him laugh more. His audience was something else, but that's why he enjoyed his job so much.

As he began playing the latest video released from the Drones Online game studio, GLITCH, his eyes drifted over to his Discord on the other screen.

darkXwolf17 07/23/2023 6:44 PM

nice save 👍

i also wonder who u were messaging?

hehehehe

He restrained a snort and glanced at the camera. With a subtle smile and narrowed, amused eyes, he hoped Uzi knew it was for her.

Friends, huh?Uzi twirled around in her chair, feeling a strange pleasantness wash over her as she waited for his return. Friends...

When he came back to his desktop but somehow forgot he was live, he acted in a way that made her laugh to herself. After complimenting his oh-so suave deflection and teasing him a little, Uzi waited for his response. He didn't type back, but he did give a quick look at his other screen where her message was. Once he scanned her text, he shot a brief expression toward the camera that made her heart skip a beat.

Uzi held a hand to her heart, perplexed at the reaction she just had. Then, she chuckled and allowed herself to ponder.

I wonder if that look was for me?

She propped her chin up by her hands, thoughtful.

Out of thousands of people? Maybe not.

Biting her lip, she read back the message he sent earlier, the one that made her brain lag until she thought of a proper response.

Or… maybe yes?

Uzi shook her head, fighting down the silly urge to believe he was intentionally singling her out.

Nah… nevermind.

Chapter 5: driven by impulse

Chapter Text

"Uzi?"

"Yeah?" She turned from the register at the voice of her boss. It was coming close to the end of her shift, and there were barely any customers roaming the shop. The store manager was holding a clipboard with a sheet of paper on it.

She asked Uzi, "You're starting school soon, right? Is this availability correct?"

"Unfortunately, I am." Uzi griped before leaning over, skimming the days and times written down under her name. She nodded. "That's right."

"Just double-checking with you!" Her boss patted her shoulder, making Uzi frown at the unwanted physical contact. "Also, school is a great place to be! You'll explore all sorts of great opportunities!"

"Of course, thanks." Uzi mustered up a strained grin, but when her boss turned on her heel and began to walk away, the young woman groaned.

"Kakoy gromkiy zvuk. What are you upset about, now?" Doll inquired, appearing next to her. Uzi glared at her. "I'm not upset, just annoyed."

"Same thing."

"Nuh uh." Uzi refused stubbornly, "Totally different. Just… school is coming up, and I was forced into it against my will."

"That sounds like something you would get upset about." Doll looked at the items beside the registers, picking some of them up and inspecting them. "Tell me, shumnaya devchonka, where are you going for school?"

"Community college, of course."

"Here in Copper Seven County?"

"No, too far." Uzi blew a raspberry. "Going to Copper Nine County Community College. It's closer."

"How far exactly do you live from here, again?"

"What is this, twenty questions?" Uzi asked, narrowing her eyes at Doll. The Russian woman only shrugged, and sensing no reason to lie, Uzi sighed and said, "Not really that close. Maybe thirty minutes?"

"And… you chose this location? The busiest Hot Topic out of all the Hot Topics in the state?" Doll arched an eyebrow at her, before saying, "Ty dura?"

"Usually, when you speak Russian, it sounds like you're insulting me." Uzi stared at her skeptically. "But that actually sounded like an insult."

Doll ignored her. "Why this location?"

Uzi was starting to regret answering her questions. "Better pay, duh."

"You're struggling to pay for rent?" Doll rolled her eyes. "With your name, I doubt it."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm sure you could figure it out, Doorman."

Uzi flinched, gritting her teeth.

"How did you—Are you trynna pick a fight with me—?"

"Look at the time! It's the end of your shift." Doll suddenly proclaimed, staring into Uzi's fuming expression. She waved her hand at the purple-haired woman. "Uvidimsya zavtra."

Uzi clicked her tongue with a low "whatever, bite me" and marched away from the registers. She grabbed her stuff from her locker in the breakroom and hurried out of the store, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. Shaking her head, she pulled out her phone and went straight to Discord instead of N's usual stream.

darkXwolf17 07/24/2023 7:31 PM

ugh

hate work fr

N's answer was immediate, which warmed her slightly. She knew he was live right now, but his dedication in responding to her as fast as possible was enough to make her smile a little bit.

N 07/24/2023 7:31 PM

whaaaat i thought u liked ur job?? :(

Uzi warmed more, forgetting she told him that. As she weaved through a small crowd to the parking lot, she typed back.

darkXwolf17 07/24/2023 7:32 PM

i mean ok yea

but idk

today ended ugh

N 07/24/2023 7:32 PM

u good? :((((

She was already in her car, staring at the message he sent. Uzi sighed heavily, feeling annoyance creep onto her shoulders. But then, she leaned back into her seat, and remembered that N was just being a good friend. He was too wholesome to not ask her if she was feeling okay. Plus, as far as she knowed, he genuinely cared.

darkXwolf17 07/24/2023 7:34 PM

yep

don't worry

N 07/24/2023 7:34 PM

i will >:(

worry*

srry i typed too fast

darkXwolf17 07/24/2023 7:35 PM

lol np

gonna drive home now

N 07/24/2023 7:35 PM

ok be safe!

Uzi relaxed in her seat, feeling a surprising amount of comfort after talking to N. Usually her moods would last her ages, but this time she felt… okay now. Not wanting to think anymore about it, she started her drive home.

But even with her music blasting and her car speeding down the highway, those thoughts lingered on her mind.

Uzi re-read the directions one more time, before she put on her gloves and opened the bottle. The smell was nice as usual, not nausea-inducing like some of the older brands she has tried. This was her go-to, and luckily it stayed on for quite a while.

After pouring some of the vibrant violet dye on her head, she began to massage her scalp. Once she thoroughly rubbed the dye into all of her strands, she removed her gloves and started the timer on her phone.

Sitting in her chair, she scrolled through her socials. Her eyebrow arched at some threads that caught her attention on Reddit. One of them had a ton of interactions on it with her name plastered directly on the title.

r/Twitch 17h

Who is darkXwolf17???

Uzi couldn't help herself and opened the thread, scrolling through the replies. The original post wrote about how she kept coming up in N's streams, as well as being the only person in the game to have the railgun. Some people were surprised to discover that she had the legendary weapon. A few people believed that she was an alternative account for one of N's roommates. Others were guessing that she was N's mystery girlfriend that was yet to be introduced.

Uzi flushed, irritated that the assumption that she was dating N was not making her more angry than she expected to be.

One person correctly predicted that they were just friends, to which Uzi left an upvote on their comment, regardless of the numerous people who disagreed. There were also several posters who just claimed false, awful things about her, calling her a gold-digger, saying that she was ugly despite never seeing her, declaring her to be stupid for not hiding herself well, asserting that she was an attention-seeker, etc.

Back then, Uzi would have flown into a fit of rage about people saying untrue, terrible things about her, but having gone through it already, she no longer reacted as harshly as she did before.

Maybe it was age.

Maybe it was the therapy.

Maybe it was apathy…

Or hardened tolerance, or newfound patience, or maybe this kind of criticism was different.

These people… they didn’t know her at all. They have never seen her, have never heard her, and they don’t even know her name.

Knowing this, the hate they spewed at her was empty.

It was different from before.

And even with all these things that ring true, Uzi wondered why there was still an ache in her chest.

Her phone began to buzz, causing her to jump in her seat. The Discord ringtone resounded in her bathroom.

It was N.

She exhaled in an attempt to calm herself, then answered.

Before she could say anything, he was already rattling off. “Hey, Uzi! I just got done streaming. Are you planning to hop on tonight?”

Uzi checked the timer, then shook her head, even if he couldn’t see it.

“Nope, I’m dying my hair right now.”

“Dying your hair? Oooh, what color? Can I see??”

“Uh…” Uzi abruptly felt a rush of panic, as though this part of her was too soon to reveal. Every criticism she has ever heard and read about her appearance came rushing back into her head, and as desperately as she tried, she could not block them out. If N were to mimic any of those thoughts, whether intentional or not…

Her heart constricted at the thought, and she nearly lost her voice.

“Sorry, N, but I don’t think… I want you to know what I look like… at all.”

“Aw… but I get it!” He replied, and she frowned at how her fear prevented them from bonding more. “Yeah, I’m sorry, I just…”

“You don’t need to explain, Uzi! It’s okay.” N was very clearly smiling through the phone, “If you ever want to show yourself in the future, I’d only be happy and grateful. But if not, then it’s okay.”

He said it so cheerily, and in her ears, it was the sweetest response she had ever heard. She felt her eyes sting, but she wasn’t sure why. She wasn’t sad at all. It was the opposite, actually.

I feel… happy?

She ruminated on this unexpected emotion, then found the source.

Because of N…

He made her happy way too often, now that she thought about it.

Is this what it’s like to have a good friend?

“Uzi, you okay?”

“Yes!” She bit out harsher than she wanted to, “Stop asking, gosh. I’m fine.”

He chuckled, and it made her flush slightly. “Well, while your hair is dying… ergh, I mean, getting dyed, I guess? Not dying. I’m sure you have a healthy head of hair.”

Uzi couldn’t stop the giggle that erupted from her mouth, but managed to remark, “With all the dye I have been using since I was younger, I surprisingly do.”

“That long? Wow!”

“Yeah, it turned out to not be a phase.”

He gasped. “No wayyyy! You’re not only rogue, emo—”

“What the hell, N, seriously? Again?” She snorted out a curt laugh, yet her interjection went ignored.

“—edgy, and cool, but also gothic?”

“Why was that full of sarcasm, N?”

“Uzi, how could you accuse me of such things? It was not…”

“Sureee.” Uzi rolled her eyes as she tried not to move her head too much. “Why did you call me again?”

“Well, since you can’t play right now, do you want to watch some vids together?”

“What vids?”

“GLITCH released a trailer for their new VR game, which is like… a circus game or something? Not sure, actually.”

Uzi raised an eyebrow, but was open to the suggestion. “That sounds interesting. Play it!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

By the time her hair was washed of its excess dye, dried completely, and combed through until silky smooth, it was almost midnight. She and N had watched a myriad of videos, ranging from gameplay to game trailers to meme compilations. In the middle of a popular YouTuber’s gameplay of a newly-released scary video game, she yawned, prompting N to ask her, “You sleepy, Uzi? Is it time to night-night?”

“Noooo.” She whined, feeling her body light and eyelids heavy. N clicked his tongue at her. “I think it is.”

Uzi groaned, but she relented and dragged herself to her bed.

“Okay, maybe. I might pass out, honestly…”

“I’ll lay down, too.” There was some rustling from his side as he moved from his desktop to his bed. She warmed at the thought of him laying down while she was laying down, since… with that imagery… it was like they were laying down together—

Whoa! Uzi slapped herself just hard enough to stop that train of thought. Chill, girl. What are you thinking about?? Nevermind. Don’t think anymore. You’re sleepy, and being sleepy means not having good thoughts.

“Did you just slap yourself?”

Uzi felt her face heat up from getting caught. “You heard that?”

“It was kinda loud.” N laughed softly, and she felt herself drawing closer to the phone. He asked, “Why’d you do that?”

“Uh,” she racked her brain for a half-decent lie, “thought about how tiring today was.”

“Was today really that bad?”

No. Maybe. I don’t know anymore.

“Yeah.” Uzi admitted as she rolled on her side, “Sucky. I dealt with it though.”

He questioned her kindly, “You wanna talk about it?”

She curled in on herself, her blanket encompassing her petite body. “Not really. It’ll be boring, anyway.”

“Aw, come on. Try me.”

“...Well, there was this one teenager. She was sooo grating, constantly talking about the fandoms she was in,” Uzi began to rant, feeling her chest begin to unravel, “and she had the worst takes I had ever heard! Like, I was about to tell her to shut up, but my coworker kept egging her on, and I thought I was about to commit murder.”

“Not again with the murder!” N jokingly scolded her, “I thought we talked about this.”

“Yeah, yeah, so anyway…”

Uzi kept telling N about her day, making sure to avoid any details that were too on-the-nose as to who she was in real life. She was still drowsy, and she felt like she was dreaming, but her body was so light, and her heart was so free, and she could swear she was smiling, but she wasn’t too sure. It didn’t matter though.

N’s voice in her ear brought a strange comfort to her that she hadn’t felt in a very long time. As much as she tried to fight off the feeling of warmth (and safety, she thinks she remembers it being), it only engulfed her more with each and every interaction they had.

“Uzi?”

She hummed, her eyes already closed, and her breathing began to steady.

“Are you feeling better?”

Uzi nodded with another hum, this time of agreement instead of questioning.

“Good. I’m glad.” He yawned, his tender voice laced heavily with somnolence, “Goodnight, Uzi. Sweet dreams.”

She mumbled a small “thanks, you too,” and in her sleepy state, didn’t realize he heard it.

It was embarrassing to wake up and discover that she had fallen asleep during her call with N, but thankfully, he hung up around the time she did, so hopefully he didn’t hear her snore or say anything weird in her sleep.

Another week passed by, with Uzi working from late morning to evening, and messaging N whenever she could. When she couldn’t message him, she would watch his streams (which was usually when she was working). Whether she had her full focus on his broadcast or had his broadcast playing in the background, it was nice to have his voice playing in her ear.

She would never, ever confess that to anyone.

Some time in the middle of the week, she decided to troll a bit and send a message or two in his chat. She, of course, moderated her friend requests beforehand so that she didn’t get bombarded with unwanted requests, but people would still ping her a ton in the chat. Part of her was enjoying the innocent attention, if she were to be honest. A majority of his viewers were actually a lot nicer than what she read in her socials, and she should have expected that level of degeneracy from Reddit, to be fair. They kept asking her in N’s chat when she was going to play with him, which made her laugh, but it had gotten to a point where N had to address it on stream.

“Alright, guys. All I’m seeing in my chat is about my gamer buddy. Am I chopped liver to you all?!”

Uzi smirked, feeling a giggle rise to her throat. She typed in his chat.

darkXwolf17: they like me more :)

N looked absolutely flabbergasted, which got his viewers riled up even more. It seemed like he didn’t realize she was messaging in his chat until now. Giggling evilly at his surprised expression, she felt a rush of dopamine as his shock turned into an amused glare. He grinned, “Look who it is. No wonder my chat is going crazy.”

It was fun making everyone go wild, but she wasn’t used to all of the attention. She decided to stop messaging for now, which allowed the chat to calm down after a while.

And so the week continued. When night time hit, N and Uzi would either play games or watch videos, or do both. It didn’t stop at the computer, however. Once they settled into their beds for the night, they would text or call until one of them fell asleep, which unfortunately was usually Uzi. It didn’t make sense to her since she woke up later than N did, but sleep was nice, so she tried not to complain.

Every day seemed somewhat funner and brighter than what she was usually used to. In a way, it felt like there was something to look forward to now whenever she woke up. She didn’t just have work; she had a chat to mess with, things to read and watch, and a friend to hangout with.

And then the weekend struck.

Uzi sighed as she stared at her computer screen. It was past noon on a Saturday, she had already eaten lunch, and despite this time being the perfect time to do something for leisure, she was forced to be responsible. Instead of her wonderful, beautiful game Drones Online, nor N’s fun and entertaining stream, it was… a school schedule.

She nearly threw up in her mouth.

Her phone lit up, and right when her ringtone was about to start, she answered the call.

With a sigh, she said, "Yes, Dad?"

"Hey, Uzi," he greeted over the phone, his tone friendly yet somewhat timid, "just checking up on you. School is starting soon, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is. Everything I'm registered for is boring as hell, though. Mainly required generic classes," Uzi replied, then her eye caught onto something interesting, "though, it looks like I got into the second-year computer science course. Thank God I took AP Comp Sci in high school."

"That's wonderful! I knew you could do it."

She let out a snort. It was weird to hear him praise her. "Thanks, Dad."

"And how's the apartment? Not too shabby?"

"You saw it yourself. It's fine. Very… apartment-y, I guess?"

"Anything break so far? Are the doors still sturdy?"

"You know the answer to that already!" Uzi rolled her eyes. He's asking all these questions as if he didn't design this complex.

"Just making sure! You're both my daughter and my customer, so I'm just ensuring that everything meets your standards."

"Just needed a place to live, not a resort. It's livable, so I'm all good." Uzi muttered, "Not like I'm a paying customer, 'cus of you…"

"What was that?"

"The doors are exceptional!"

"Great!" He cheerily proclaimed, "One last thing, did you snag a boyfriend yet?"

Uzi groaned, her anger rising. "Dad…"

"You would tell me, right? I mean, it's just that your mom and I used to be high school sweethearts, and you're only getting older—"

"I am still young, thank you." Uzi ignored the boyishly-handsome face fading slowly into her brain, "And I haven't even started college yet. Where's the fire?"

He chuckled on the other end. "I suppose you're right. Anything else exciting happen?"

Uzi gulped, feeling strange with all the questions he was asking. Part of her was urging her to be more open, like how she was becoming with N. Especially now, since it really sounded like he cared.

She shook her head. "No, just working the same job, and playing a new game."

"Alright, well, let me know if anything happens. I'm always here!"

Uzi felt her eyes sting, only slightly.

"Thanks, Dad."

And then the call ended.

She dropped her phone on the desk as her eyes automatically wandered to her bedside table. The picture of her family stared at her dead in the face, the one she carried with her from her family home. The conversation she just had with her father was still replaying in her mind. It had been nearly all summer since she heard his voice.

Guess he was busy.

Her heart rate started to pick up, and suddenly it was pounding in her ears. Her anger was starting to rise again, but so was her sadness. Pushing her phone away, she buried her head into her knees and tried to control her breathing.

"He does care, Uzi. More than you would want to believe." Her therapist told her from across the coffee table. "You can't push him away forever. He is trying too, you know."

"Bite me! He has never cared. He has only ever cared about his stupid, dumb, idiotic, moronic, sh*tty JOB!" A younger Uzi huffed, jumping to her feet. "If he cared, he would have been there when Mom died!"

"Uzi…"

"Where was he?!"

She shouted, but it felt like it was for the wrong person. In her mind, he was the one she was yelling at, angry at, but in reality, she knew it was just her and her therapist. He should have been there to hear her, to see her, to hold her, but he never was around for her. A sob caught in her throat, and she retreated from the therapist's outreached hand. She hugged herself close—she was the only person she had besides her mother.

After breathing deeply for as long as she could, she felt her heart rate slow to a normal pace. Her mind felt clearer, and she wiped away the stray tears.

"So dumb for feeling this way when it's different now, Uzi. That was so long ago."

She picked up her phone, looking at her lockscreen. It was the nicest picture she and her dad had taken together, even if it was taken after her Mom’s passing. She was in her lame graduation gown, sweaty and hungry and tired of the long speeches, and he was in his usual work outfit, also hungry and a bit mussed up from rushing to her ceremony.

But they were smiling.

"Dad's come around now. Even if he's late. Better late than never, I guess."

Putting her phone aside, she decided to forget about her angsty teenage years and focus on something fun. Besides, she already checked on all of her classes' course pages, read their syllabi, took their stupid syllabus quizzes, and set up her schedule on her phone. Honestly, she was dreading the required generic classes, but at least she had one class that was somewhat close to her career interest.

Checking the browser she had open, it seemed that N was still streaming his gameplay of Drones Online. Oddly, she felt a sudden, urgent desire to play with him. Preferably while he wasn't live-streaming, but she really wanted someone to play with and help her feel… less alone. It was the second weekend she had while having a gamer buddy, but even though she was free all day for the next two days, N was not. However, there was nothing else for her to really do besides watch anime, play games, and watch N play games. Out of all those options, wanting to play with N was winning by a long-shot.

Uzi turned on her game, watching to make sure that it didn't appear on N's stream. When she was in the clear, she sighed in relief, before leaning back in her chair and diving into deep thought. She could play with N now, since he did say that she was always welcome.

How bad could it be? I don't even have to say anything… I could just type. Uzi crossed her arms tightly, I just… really want to play with him. Even if I'm being a selfish bitch that might ruin his career and drive his viewership down.

She clapped her cheeks, refocusing her mindset. She wanted to play with N.

Being overdramatic again is not gonna help. It won’t be bad, right? It’ll be fine.

Uzi bit the inside of her cheek and considered what she should do at that moment.

Feeling both idiotic and brave, she leaned forward and typed.

There.

Glancing at N's livestream, she saw his eyes widen with astonishment as her message appeared in the corner of his screen.

[darkXwolf17]: N?

So what if she couldn't come up with something more grandiose? Typing directly to a streamer in front of thousands of his fans who were still trying to figure out who she is was always going to be nerve-wracking, so the pressure got to her. Especially when she wasn’t here to troll.

No, she was here to play.

Regardless of her very simple message, the chat simply exploded—lines and lines of texts all revolved around her singular message.

N seemed to have been paralyzed on camera for a few seconds, his wide eyes unmoving, before he cleared his throat and said, "It's my gamer buddy! Let's see what she wants."

He typed back to her on the broadcast.

[N]: hey uuuuuuuu what's up? :o

Uzi rolled her eyes as N wiped the sweat off his forehead. He must have almost typed her name and tried to cover it up. She wondered if he was feeling as nervous as she was. However, regardless of the blood pumping through her veins faster than any exercise she has ever put herself through, it felt like… it was just the two of them chatting like normal. Like he wasn't broadcasting their conversation to what was now an abruptly growing audience.

Seriously, why is his viewership getting higher?

The numbers kept shooting up by the hundreds, and his high sixty-something-thousand viewers became nearly eighty-thousand viewers out of nowhere. Uzi turned away; the numbers were starting to make her feel nauseous. Averting her eyes from the viewer count, she pressed on with her conversation.

[darkXwolf17]: wanna party up? saw u were about to do a boss

N's eyes lit up on screen, his smile larger than usual. Then it dwindled to a pout as he typed in response.

[N]: yes but also maybe not cus the boss is really tough and high lvl :(

This was a very easy and obvious out he was providing her, but Uzi wasn't a coward.

Most of the time.

[darkXwolf17]: no worries dude, i think we can take her

N was giggling on stream now, his excitement visible because of her pursuit. His chat was unhinged, with many of the messages rabidly urging him to party up with her. Uzi felt a little woozy, like the heat from her face was also melting her brain. The thousands of people wanting to see them duo was very embarrassing, while also being very confusing. She wasn't entirely sure why they wanted her there so badly, but it was getting harder to ignore the fact that there were just so, so many people watching. Well, if she idiotically threw herself into this situation, she would have to just deal with the consequences.

With N smiling brightly at the camera, she swore it was for her and not just because of her. Her energy renewed, and her own enthusiasm began to swell.

Alright, Uzi, she cracked her fingers and sat up straighter, let’s show them who’s the real boss.

Chapter 6: power (couple) duo

Chapter Text

With a few clicks, N had sent her an invitation to join his party. Once she accepted, she teleported to the city he was in. Her screen lagged slightly at the large number of players surrounding his character. To her surprise, some of them even turned to her, and started jumping and crouching around her.

She looked over at his broadcast and watched as he nervously began to type to her in their party channel.

[N]: we do party vc?

Uzi chuckled with a hint of fear. Her palpitating heart and soaring anxiety would definitely not allow that to happen. She wasn't gonna let nearly eighty-thousand people hear her crummy, ugly, little-boy voice.

[darkXwolf17]: k, but i mute

[N]: aww :'(

He looked at the camera with a pout and puppy-dog eyes, but Uzi was not about to give in. His eyes switched to his monitor, and they skimmed the chat as some people bluntly questioned if she sounded horrendous. Some even had bet that she was actually some old man in disguise, tricking N. Some messages wrote that they were glad she wasn't speaking because they only wanted to hear N.

Those frankly horrible messages were only a few out of an overwhelming sea of encouraging ones, but Uzi seemed to only focus on the ones that criticized her.

Uzi frowned, feeling like hiding. I know my voice is terrible but you morons haven't even heard it yet.

"She sounds adorable, actually." N chuckled, but it wasn't quite a friendly one. For someone who was smiling, he looked peeved. "Her voice is nice! But she probably doesn't wanna talk because you guys are scary! Be kinder, or else…"

He lifted up a balloon hammer that had the word ‘BAN’ on it.

“You get the ban hammer!” He pointed it at the camera, his voice a confusing combination of light-hearted and threatening. “Apologize now!”

The chat began to flood with apologies. In the mix, there were several people pointing out how "angry" he was that some chatters were insulting his gamer buddy.

It began with one, then became ten, then ended with hundreds of messages chanting "Protective N!” with silly emojis in-between each phrase.

They made another copypasta, what the hell…

Uzi blushed at his bold compliment—out of rage, of course—and felt the strong need to strangle him for being too sappy in front of so many people. Her (angry) blush only grew as she was unable to stop reading the chat.

Oh no, they're making romantic assumptions about us! Ewww, I knew this would happen!! So gross! She hid her face in her hands, suppressing the strange, feminine urge to squeal. Slapping herself again, she took a few more breaths and willed her mind to clear. Goddamnit, FOCUS, Uzi! Don’t embarrass yourself!

[N]: u there??

Uzi quickly typed back before N and his viewers thought she chickened out.

[darkXwolf17]: ya just double-checking everything b4 we go in

[N]: good call, i’ll do the same

[N]: also i’ll join party vc now

Uzi quadruple-checked that her microphone was muted before she joined after him. With his wide and impudent grin, a terrible feeling suddenly descended upon her about this whole thing. Before she could even ponder why, he greeted her with a, “Hey, darkXwolf17!!”

She burned with the wrath and embarrassment of a woman scorned. Ohhhh my God, he said the entire thing…

Uzi seethed, colorful words spilling from her lips as she typed back in rapid fashion. Her fear of playing with N in front of thousands of people was quickly overrun by her fury. He knew that she hated when he teased her about her display name.

[darkXwolf17]: respectfully, f*ck u, but that’s acceptable for NOW only

N was laughing hysterically, and the fact that his irritating joy was echoing in her ears because she forgot to turn off his stream audio in the background was almost enough to make her want to try to kill him again. She swiftly muted his stream, only having it up to observe his chat. His viewers were confused why the streamer was laughing so much, but there were many of them that were also laughing with him at the sound of her user ID being said out loud. Some of them were surprised at her temper and way of typing when she was “usually so playful in the chat.”

Uzi rolled her eyes, trying to ignore all the judgemental feedback.

"Hehe, okay, I'm sorry! No more laughs about your display name. So buy everything you need before we go!” N reminded her, his character idle as he customized his moveset. She didn’t bother to respond and went to several shops in the city, buying whatever items she needed for the boss. There were several players following her, but she paid no mind to her newly-formed entourage. He was asking his chat about which abilities he should bring into the boss’s lair, which successfully distracted most of his viewers from being annoyingly obsessed with her presence.

Once she was done shopping and switching out her gear, she returned to where he was standing. He was still strategizing, so she leaned back and waited for him to finish. Absolute Solvers didn’t have many abilities to choose from since their skills were dependent on their environment, but she did make sure to get a lot of utility or supporting abilities. N was definitely going to do more damage than her, being the frontliner and all.

“Okay, I’m done!” N’s avatar jumped, visibly looking for her, until he spotted her character sitting down with a crowd of players emoting around her. He chuckled, but ran over to where she was and shooed them away, dispersing them like a flock of pigeons.

“Are you ready?”

She raised an eyebrow at his question. It's not like she was the one waiting for him or anything. Albeit the irony, she responded.

[darkXwolf17]: yup

“Yay! Let’s goooo!”

Her character stood up, sprinting after the streamer’s character as he moved past the huge gathering of players. They quickly exited the city, with only a significantly fewer number of players following them as they continued on their route to the boss’s lair.

“Wait!”

In the middle of the snowy forest path, she stopped when his character stopped.

[darkXwolf17]: ?

“Why are we walking? We should just do what we usually do!”

Oh, no. Uzi tried to type out her adamant refusal, but before she could send her message, his character picked hers up and soared upward to the skies. The swarm of players that were trailing after them were left in their wake.

Her face burned, and she took a breath as he looked proud of his idea on camera. His chat was a mixture of surprised messages and texts of pure shipping trash. She tried not to read the latter, because if she did, she might just want to punch her screen (in absolute fury and not in girly embarrassment, of course).

N and Uzi had discovered a few nights ago that Disassembly Drones with a particular strength value could pick up other characters, and that the carry function worked as intended even during flight. It made traveling much easier since the world was so expansive and walking was difficult due to all of the crumbling buildings and random debris in the way. The worst part about this moment, however, was that she was being carried bridal style because he didn’t give her enough time to climb onto his shoulders.

Regardless of her palpitating heart and unending humiliation, Uzi refused to die from her heightened emotions because of N's actions in a video game. To soothe herself, she wanted to let her displeasure be known.

[darkXwolf17]: we are seriously gonna fight to the death

“Aw, don’t worry! I’m sure you and I will be able to take down the boss in the first go!” N said reassuringly, completely missing the threat behind her message. She rolled her eyes, but felt herself smirk at his response. Typical N.

Some of his viewers seemed to have gotten it, though, but a majority of them were also lost on the warning.

When the two of them arrived at the boss’s lair, it was at the entrance of a cave that was carved into a mountain side. She jumped out of his arms and threw a punch at his character, even though it didn’t do anything to him. Glancing at his reaction, he looked befuddled, if anything. She refused to elaborate, and instead ran away from him. Darting into the gaping maw first, she felt her skin crawl at the change of scenery.

Inside of the cave was a hidden, underground laboratory, one that was abandoned by the supposed humans that worked there. Without any sentient life, the lab was filled with mold and decay, and possessed a horribly eerie darkness. The temperature reading in her periphery was coming back as freezing.

There were only a few light sources scattered throughout the facility. Most of them were functioning alarms that blazed silently with an unsettling redness. It was the kind of warning lights that made her want to turn around, but she pushed forward with determination. Only a handful of players have made it this far into the story, but she hadn’t spoiled herself yet as to what the boss could be.

They walked further, diving down deeper into the aged building. The clinking and clanking of their metal bodies resounded against the thick steel walls. Their avatars passed by open, endless, creepy hallways and empty, furnished rooms, some splattered with dried blood. If ghosts existed in this game, she knew they would be wandering around here.

She felt the tiny hairs on her arms rise, and she swallowed hard to ease her fear. Uzi had forgotten that this game was partially horror-inspired.

As she had her avatar walk forward, she continued to inspect all around them, her eyes focusing on the chilling details of their environment that made her heart rate pick up.

“darkX—!”

Her reaction was visceral. Her body jerked, causing her character to jolt. He reacted in turn, his own character spasming as his real self jumped in his seat.

Once she realized that they were not in any danger, she scowled.

[darkXwolf17]: what???????

“Sorry! You nearly ran into something.”

Uzi, now perplexed, turned her vision directly to the front. There was a thick tube of some sort, simply laying across the hallway they were in. It was black in color and lined with ridges and pointy talons, at least from what her flashlight could expose. She only had a moment to wonder what it was until it did the worst possible thing it could do.

It moved.

“Oh, no, no, noooo!! Did you see that?! It moved!” N yelped, his character backing up, and she hastily backed up with him. “I do not like that at all!”

Uzi looked behind them, and noticed immediately that their exit was blocked off by more of the moving black tubes—

No, those aren’t just tubes. Her disgust rose. It’s like a centipede!

Her character halted in its spot, but he continued to back off.

“Stop!” She shouted, but suddenly remembered that her microphone was muted. Uzi began to type as fast as she could, but it wasn’t fast enough.

Once his back hit the web of centipede bodies, hands flew out from the darkness and grabbed onto his character. N shrieked once again, his voice terror-stricken as his avatar was yanked into the abyss.

“N!” Uzi gasped, but before her brain could catch up, she was already hurrying after him. Her fingers danced across her keyboard as her character manipulated a clear path to him. At her command, the metal doors obstructing her way were forced open, and she traversed a short while before she found a deep crevice leading to the void he was hauled into.

From his livestream, it seemed like he was dragged all the way to the boss's lair, which forced him to engage in the boss battle without her. His character had already taken some damage from the initial grab, which he barely had any time to heal. The viewers were all in shock, their messages a scramble of caps-locked words.

With resolve, she manifested a way downward with the use of the strewn materials around her.

By the time she made it to the dimly lit lair, he was still alive and kicking with a fourth of his health left, perpetually countering the onslaught of attacks. She rushed into the battle arena, ignoring how the thick, metal gate behind her closed shut with a loud bang!

Intense music started to play, gradually becoming louder in her ears. It got her blood pumping, and her mind focused on the eldritch-like being in front of her.

Uzi wasted no time and hit a series of keys, utilizing the scraps of heavy metal in the environment to trap the boss, hoping that would buy time for N to heal.

“U—darkXwolf17!”

She gritted her teeth, unable to type anything in response. Her fingers were too busy hitting her keys to keep the boss rooted in its spot. The menacing security cameras attached to the boss were glaring at her character now, their yellow pinpoint lights all directing themselves to her instead. Its giant mechanical claws kept picking and pulling at the metal sheets holding its body down. The quick-time event was getting quicker—each key that popped up on her screen had a shorter and shorter timer.

N shouted in her ear, "I'm healing, I'm healing! Keep it there!"

"What do you think I'm doing?!" She exclaimed in exasperation, her mind now a little tempted to unmute her microphone.

Abruptly, the quick-time event showed a singular key, and her heart dropped. She frantically pressed the one key repeatedly as fast as she could as the boss was now beginning to escape her makeshift cage. The little meter that manifested above the key was showing her that she was very rapidly losing control.

A gigantic claw shot out from the metal prison, straight toward her character.

She inhaled sharply, reflexively trying to move out of the way, but knew that she wouldn't be able to dodge the attack. To her surprise, N's character dove across her screen, slicing straight through the extended limb. He was now completely healed, yet relief didn't come to her.

The momentary shock was all that was needed to lose her grip on the boss. It broke free, metal slabs flying across the stage, some into the boiling magma that surrounded the battle arena. Its spine-chilling body was a mess of centipede parts, pincers, and unsettling human-looking hands, with only security cameras for its way of seeing.

Its claws and fake human hands directly aimed for her, but in an impressive display of skill, N cleared them out before any of them could touch her.

Uzi blinked, astonishment temporarily paralyzing her. She knew he was good at the game, that he never lost at player-versus-player combat, and that he was way too knowledgeable and skilled at using his abilities, but playing right beside him against one of the hardest bosses in the game was an entirely different experience.

Despite his flurried movements to keep her safe, he still managed to ask, "Are you good??"

Her eyes darted to the chat, catching some of the messages that were urging her to help him. Many of them were complaining about her uselessness, which made her anxiety spike. Before she let it get to her, she shook her head and forced herself back into the game.

[darkXwolf17]: yes! stop asking!

"Watch out!"

Huh?

When she saw his character charge at her, she dodged the attack, and didn't have a moment to ask "what the hell are you doing?!" before he came at her again.

"It's not me!" N yelled over the thundering music, "I'm on the other side of the arena!"

"Are you serious?" Uzi questioned the developers as she was forced to evade the hologram of her party member. She hit a few keys to manifest a crescent of knives, sending them in the direction of the hologram and the boss's main body. Some of them hit the limbs, but the others were blocked or they phased through the hologram, hitting nothing.

A few hands tried to grab her character, but she gritted her teeth and aimed at their stalks, using her ability to cut the hands off from their arms. As she evaded each grab and frantically dodged the seemingly real attacks of hologram N, she slashed through one limb after another. It was endless—no matter how many she chopped through, there were five more reaching for her.

Why are they trying to grab me so badly?!

She wasn't sure how she was gonna regroup with N, but before she could try to, a metal claw shot through the illusion of her gamer buddy, catching her off guard. It knocked her character far back, sending her across the arena.

Her screen brimmed with a red gradient, alerting her that she took significant damage.

N was fighting off his own set of freaky limbs, but he still exclaimed, "NOO! darkXwolf17!!"

Before she could recover, the boss grabbed her character and pinned her high up on the wall of the lair.

Uzi spammed all the movement keys, but was only met with error signs and noises. It was hopeless.

She was trapped.

"No!" Uzi cried out, incredulous that she was completely immobile. She kept trying, regardless of the futility. "Why the—f*ck, I can't—GLITCH!! Drones Online! Why can't I move?!"

"Don't worry, I'll save you!"

N's character was flying hastily toward her, but mechanical limbs grabbed at his feet and flung him to the ground. They kept him far away from where she was stuck, not letting up for a second.

Her health bar was trickling down as the claw and its sharp edges squeezed her character tightly. Oil began to ooze out of her avatar's limbs, trailing down against the wall. Hazard symbols began to float around in her interface, and the redness around her screen was becoming brighter and brighter.

She knew what it meant.

Death was imminent.

Uzi groaned in frustration as she was forced to watch N fight off the rest of the limbs. With the boss's focus now totally on him, he wasn't able to reach the limb restraining her.

"I—Hold on, I just need to—Agh, no!"

N could barely say anything as he concentrated entirely on surviving long enough to free her. Her heart twisted at his desperation.

Everytime he inched closer to her, he was hauled back. The moment he missed a beat, he took another hit that dwindled his health lower and lower. He looked like he was beginning to lose hope.

"I'm sorry, I—"

N was just an ant compared to the towering amalgamation of limbs, and his character was constantly getting assaulted from left, right, and center.

"I'm trying, but I can't—reach you—!"

The chat was in utter disbelief, a cluttering mess of worry, grief, and anger for the duo. Uzi herself was facing the same mindset, fury building at the fact that she was in this situation—that she couldn't help N. Her palms went to cover her face as a resentful sound escaped her.

She was going to die. She was going to bleed out against a wall.

N was going to die, trying to save her.

Ugh, this is so sh*t!

Uzi squeezed her eyelids shut, her shoulders tense as she buried her face deeper into her palms.

N is never gonna let me play with him again. I failed…

Then, a noise whirred in her ears.

It was faint, but it was there.

She looked at her screen, and saw her HUD begin to glitch out.

Uzi thought her game might have begun to break until she realized her character itself was glitching into a yellow color. She was spasming, her limbs cracking unnaturally, until she stopped. At nearly two-hundred points of health remaining, the Absolute Solver symbol on her character's visage was now a blaring yellow.

An indicator lit up around the claw clutching at her character.

She quickly used her ability to free herself, the claw forcefully opened as she found herself surprised that she only needed to press one button.

Uzi felt her breath hitch as her avatar jumped atop the claw that was burrowed into the wall.

What just… happened?

Her character was grinning creepily, robot body somewhat limp as lines of code appeared and disappeared in the periphery of her interface. Uzi was busy checking out the new icons on her ability set.

Shorter cooldowns, shorter QTEs, more damage?! Did I just get a class upgrade because of this boss battle?? She quivered in her seat excitedly, fangirling internally, Lore! God, I love the storyline!! Where is N?! He needs to see—wait, I need to help N!

Pulling out her railgun, she began to charge it up while the boss was still distracted with N. His character's health was once again low, but startlingly lower than when she first found him in the arena. Hell, it was the lowest she had ever seen his health get in a while. He was too good at the game usually to be beaten down like this, but because of her…

I don't want to be the reason he loses.

"I can do this." Uzi breathed out, chanting to herself like a mantra, "I can do this. I can do this. Do NOT miss!"

She aimed it at the boss, now four seconds into the charge.

Uzi wanted to hold it for longer—the damage ramped up wasn't enough to slay the boss in one hit.

However, when N took yet another hard hit from behind that dropped his health to a horrifyingly marginal amount, she knew she had to do something else.

She was about to release her charge-up, but she immediately noticed that her abilities were apparently still available to use. This came as a complete surprise, since it was unlike the other times when she tried to use her abilities while charging up her railgun. It never allowed her to until now.

Utilizing one skill, she watched as her character kept one hand on the legendary weapon and the other reached out in front of her.

Uzi had only wanted to slice off a few limbs that were attacking N, but with a single button, it instead formed tiny black holes that formed rings of organic material around it. The vacuums sucked in the boss's severed limbs, thankfully avoiding N's character since he was too far.

Uzi giggled maniacally. That is freaking sick!

At the loss of some of its limbs, the boss turned its attention to her, finally realizing that she had escaped its grasp.

"darkXwolf17?!" N happily exclaimed, "You're alive!"

She grinned, feeling like an absolute elite. Not even the boss aggro-ing her ruined her elation.

N began to heal up, but hurriedly warned, "It's going for you!!"

Uzi's grin only widened. Her railgun was now charged beyond ten seconds. She didn't even see how many seconds she actually held it down for, but she knew that this would insta-kill the spooky centipede crab that was racing across the arena to murder her.

Uzi cackled, unhinged. "BITE ME!"

Before the boss reached her, she let go of her mouse.

And the railgun fired.

As her monitor shined from the blinding white-green beam, she spun around in her chair, fists raised in joyous triumph. The sound of her legendary weapon reverberated in the lair, filling her ears while the boss music faded. Looking at his chat, she took great pleasure in the awe and praise of virtually one-hundred thousand viewers.

Once the dazzling energy beam diminished, she saw that the health meter of the boss had completely disappeared, as did the boss's actual main body. The only evidence of the boss's existence was the huge black scorch mark on the ground. Taking some health potions just in case of any surprises, she noticed her character revert back to normal.

"You did it! You killed it!" N proclaimed ecstatically as his character flew up to where she was perched. He picked her avatar up swiftly, lowering them both to the ground to collect their loot.

N remarked unabashedly, "That was amazing! I totally thought we were dead there, honestly!"

Uzi snorted, typing back in response.

[darkXwolf17]: same LOL

"What even happened there?!"

Her hands trembled with excitement as she typed to him. Oh, how she desperately wanted to just talk lore with him on Discord.

[darkXwolf17]: i got a class upgrade!!

[darkXwolf17]: when i almost died LMAO

N gasped, his chat reacting the same way. There were no known Absolute Solvers that had made it this far into the story yet. She was the first one to publically receive the upgrade.

He was extremely happy for her, if it wasn't obvious. "Oh my gosh! No way?? That's so cool!!"

[darkXwolf17]: YESS aahhhhhh!!!!!!

[darkXwolf17]: dude i cant sjkdkxixdn

Uzi giggled, her attention going back to the chat. The viewers were going insane, with rapid, rolling waves of texts that were congratulating them on defeating the boss and also freaking out about new lore for the Absolute Solver class. Many were chanting some frankly embarrassing things that made Uzi flush.

Power couple? What the hell, guys… She rolled her eyes, warmth spreading across her face. Suddenly, a frown marred her face. Such a freaking lame thing to call us… since I almost got us both killed.

She turned from his chat and started to write to him before she lost her courage.

[darkXwolf17]: sorry u almost died cus of me

He appeared confused by her statement.

"Hey, we almost died because the boss was really hard, but we won because of you!" N was waving his hand dismissively, a smile present on his face. "I told you that you're awesome! Now everyone knows."

Uzi flushed, unsure if it was from anger, embarrassment, or something else she would rather not name.

[darkXwolf17]: u helped too

[darkXwolf17]: i would have died like 5 seconds in if u weren't bait for the boss

"Bait??" N questioned, then he shrugged, "Yeah, fair. I make good bait, huh?"

[darkXwolf17]: the best

Uzi chuckled, but felt a little self-conscious over everyone watching them interact. The shipping was going crazy in his chat, and she hoped he wouldn't turn his head and catch any of it.

"Are you gonna stay for more main story gameplay?"

She blinked, not expecting that question, especially not in front of everyone. The chat was practically begging her to stay, and N was now also begging with his hands together and his eyes pleading. She laughed out loud, not sure why she was feeling so much happiness at that moment.

[darkXwolf17]: ok fiiine

"Yes!" N pumped his fist, "We got her to stay, guys! Good job!"

The chat appreciated him endlessly for the praise, as if they were love-starved children. They were also grateful to her for staying, which prompted N to also thank her for staying. Uzi snickered and shook her head, but was surprised to find that she was enjoying herself despite all of the attention. After checking out her new, rare loot, she rested her chin in her palm, patiently waiting for N to finish thanking his donors and new subs.

I can't believe it, but I actually had so much fun. I didn't get to say it, and I don't think I ever will, but… Uzi thought to herself in her brief moment of peace, N really is awesome. He's a great friend, a great gamer, a good streamer, a good guy in general… Too wholesome for this world, honestly.

He smiled brightly at the camera after he finished thanking everyone, and then her heart did something unexpected.

It fluttered.

Chapter 7: emotions are stupid

Chapter Text

Uzi rubbed her chest, perplexed at the new feeling. Oof, was that the adrenaline?

She tried not to think about the weird sensation, which thankfully did not persist.

As soon as they had exited the boss's lair, there was a mass of players waiting at the entrance, spamming their congratulations. Her game lagged at the massive amount of movement; all the jumping, crouching, and emoting was apparently too much to handle. All hell broke loose when someone threw a punch, which resulted in retaliation. More punches and kicks were thrown out in the hectic crowd, combat meters appearing over the heads of multiple users.

N and Uzi made a break for it before they were dragged into the fight.

Throughout the rest of N's stream until his dinner break, she stayed on his broadcast and played the main storyline with him. Some of them followed them around as they worked through quests, but it wasn't anything too bothersome. There wasn't going to be another boss for a while, anyway, so they also had time to chill and goof off. When it was time for her departure, she sent a simple "bye guys" in his chat, which prompted a lot of friendly farewells in response.

When night time hit, as soon as he had finished streaming for the day, he almost instantaneously called her through Discord.

Sitting in her chair with one knee up, she smiled and answered, "I hope you know I was yelling at you the whole time."

"Of course I knew! And why didn't you just unmute?" N asked, and she could practically hear him pouting. Uzi crossed her arms, "I didn't wanna."

"Aww…”

“I don’t know, maybe one day?” She heatedly replied, “But not now. I’m not gonna physically speak to half a hundred-thousand people!”

He seemed intrigued. “But… why not?”

“It’s—well—no! Just no. They can’t hear what I sound like.”

“Well," he sounded somewhat cheeky, "at least I know what you sound like!"

"Pfft, whatever!" Uzi rolled her eyes, unsure why his enjoyment over hearing her was making her nervous. Mistaking her nervousness for shame, she tapped her thumbs together and said, "Uh, but anyway… sorry for springing up the request to join you so randomly."

"It's fine, I did say that you're always welcome!" N told her cheerily, "Plus, if I went in without you, I'd probably have died like twenty times by now."

Her face burned. "You're… just saying that. I was kindaaaa useless for the most part."

"What? No way! Besides, I'd rather have you with me than not at all!"

Speechless, she only mumbled, "N…"

"Although, I think you should know that you have gotten even more popular on the internet now." He chuckled nervously, which made her eyebrows furrow. He continued, "With the whole joining me on stream after my viewers have been asking about you for a while, being the ‘first person to transform the Absolute Solver class,’ and about everything else related to you.”

Uzi was silent, thinking about her current internet fame and the improbability of it all, until N broke her out of her trance.

“Are you… upset…? About so many people talking about you?”

She brought both legs up now, resting her chin on her knees.

“...I don’t think so? Dunno, just, whatever, I guess. I hate that some people are making stupid, false claims about me, but other than that… I guess I don’t have much to complain about.”

“That’s good to hear!” He sounded truly relieved, “‘Cus—it’s funny, but—even my roommates asked about you!”

"Oh, really?" Uzi shifted uncomfortably, "What did they ask?"

"Uh, just… game stuff!" N responded, but his tone made her slightly suspicious. "Yeah, just asking about the boss and class upgrades and things."

“Uh huh…” Uzi decided not to pester him for the truth, and instead reached for her water while asking, "How did they even know I was playing with you?"

"Well, V was—sorry, V is also a big streamer and one of my roommates, not sure if I told you that before but anyway—she was actually streaming my stream on her channel, so…"

What? Uzi nearly choked on the water she was sipping. So there were even more people watching?

She rubbed her hand on the side of face, weary. "God, N, I'm not sure how you deal with knowing that so many people know who you are…"

"Eh, I don't really think about it. I just enjoy myself!"

Uzi closed her eyes, feeling a wave of drowsiness wash over her. She yawned, prompting N to ask, "Are you tired already?"

"Yeah…" she laid her forehead on her knees, "Not sure how you do it. Usually I can game for hours, but on stream, it feels more… exhausting."

"I guess you just gotta get used to it." He paused, then questioned, "Do you wanna just lay down?"

She hummed, before shooting back her own query, "And talk about lore?"

"Yes!"

"Hell yeah." Uzi abruptly disconnected from the call and turned off her computer. He called her again, causing the Discord app on her phone to ring noisily, and she picked up immediately.

He sounded indignant, "No warning?"

She plopped on her bed, her limbs splaying out. "Bite me. That's what you get for not giving me time to fly with you in a dignified manner."

He snorted, "Hey, I'm the pilot, soooo I call the shots!"

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huhh!"

There was silence, and then there was laughter. Their chuckles mixed together like a soft melody, and she curled on her side, squishing her phone between her ear and her bed.

“So,” N seemed a bit antsy as he questioned, "did you have fun?"

"Surprisingly… I did." She admitted, yet not feeling ashamed. "It was a little overwhelming sometimes, but overall, I enjoyed it, I guess."

"I'm happy! I don't know what I'd do if you ended up hating it."

"Never play with me again?"

"Noo!" There was rustling on his side, like he was also turning over, "How am I supposed to find cool lore nuggets now?"

"I guess I am the best lore-nugget finder!" Uzi grinned, before her fangirling from earlier began to spill out, "And, N, it was so cool. My screen started glitching out—I thought it was the game crashing! But no, my character changed a little, and then my abilities were so different! And even the gameplay changed, where I only press one button instead of, like, twenty…"

As she rambled on about her class upgrade, N would periodically respond to her. Once she was done describing it, he remarked, “Yellow symbol? And creepy, drooling face? Hmmm… sounds like my character!”

She paused. “Holy—it does! If Absolute Solvers lose control when they nearly die, and something else takes over, do you think that means—?”

“They’re a deviant, mutated form of Disassembly Drones, following the will of the Solver virus?”

“—they’re a hive mind of regular drones controlled by the rogue space AI mentioned in the beginning?”

They both fell into silence, then Uzi said, “I have no idea what you just said.”

“Yeah, same. Try again?”

She went first and repeated herself, then like a person next in line for the register, he went after.

“How could they originally be Disassembly Drones?” She pondered, “They were shown to be built differently, like, on two different planets and with different functions and stuff.”

“I know Absolute Solvers were experimented on to, uh, what was that word again? Oh, right, terraform planets! But maybe they started out as murder bots who were exiled for going crazy after being infected. And then the humans tried to control them for their freaky powers.”

“There’s nothing to confirm that they started out as Disassembly Drones, though. Also, it’s kinda silly to say that the virus is literally, like, a virus that robots get and spread and become sick. They’re drones.”

“Oh, biscuits. I mean, I guess that’s true…”

Uzi continued, “If anything, Disassembly Drones and Absolute Solvers are connected through the rogue AI overtaking them, since it seems they both got their abilities from it.”

“Well, with the way it seemingly spreads and takes over robo-bodies, that sounds like a virus to me!”

“...Shoot.”

“Also, where do you keep getting rogue AI?”

“There’s actually so many hints of it if you look at the blocks of code in the game! Like, at the side of the screen during regeneration and I even saw it during my class upgrade, it also shows up when you die and respawn, and it’s hidden in big cities.” She proclaimed haughtily, “I know because I checked it out myself. Those cities are massive but the code is scattered in dark alleyways and old buildings, it’s sick!”

“Those blocks of text are codes for AI?”

“Well, sorta? It’s hard to explain, but it’s like the code that fixes the drone isn’t actually part of them. At least from what I’m getting.”

N hummed, considering her points. “Well, I don’t know much of anything about coding. But it’s cool that you do!”

She warmed, feeling sheepish. “I mean, it’s just, like, cool to see. Coding is cool. So is AI.”

“Uzi…” N said gently, “I didn’t know you were also… a nerd.”

“Oh, my God.”

“It’s cute, actually! Don’t be embarrassed!”

Uh oh. There goes her heart again.

Stay still, you traitor!

“I am not embarrassed, N! And never say that again!”

“My nerdy, emo gamer buddy. I learn new things about you every day.”

“N, actually shut up, or I’m taking over your stream permanently.”

“Wha—but you just started today!”

She giggled evilly. “And I’m already so popular.”

He couldn’t refute that, so she considered it her win. Once her triumphant, sleepy laughter faded, a momentary quiet passed between them. She nearly thought he had fallen asleep until he suddenly said, “Don’t forget about your good ole’ pal N while you rule over the masses, okay?”

“...What?” In the dark, Uzi’s perplexed expression stared at the wall, “Why would I do that?”

“Uh… I don’t know. You were great today, though. Everyone really saw how awesome you are.”

“Thanks? I just wanted to murder a boss so… yeah, I did.”

“That’s really admirable, Uzi. Doing something you set your mind to.” He spoke, his voice low and fragile, yet somehow maintaining a remnant of his usual upbeat attitude, “I’m glad I wasn’t totally useless today, so that our game went well. It would have sucked if—”

“N, what are you talking about?” She cut him off, “You weren’t useless today at all. I told you earlier, I would have died, like, five seconds in without you. We were a team back there.”

“Oh, right, you did say that… haha, I guess I’m saying silly stuff right now. Like, ‘don’t forget about me’? Uhh, weird, right? Haha…”

She had been on the verge of knocking out, but the slight sadness in his voice kept her awake.

“N, I don’t think I could forget you no matter how hard I tried.” Uzi revealed, her voice laced with drowsiness and tenderness. Before she realized what she was saying, the words escaped her tongue. “You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met.”

She blinked in the darkness, and then her heart began to pound in her ears.

Oh, I really just said that, huh? Sleepy Uzi is a stupid Uzi, like, seriously, why? Such a strange statement to make—

“Thanks, Uzi.” The sadness in his tone disappeared, leaving behind something delicate and raw that she couldn’t quite name. “This might sound weird, but… I’m glad I met you.”

The air that caught in her windpipe nearly choked her, so patting her chest, she cleared her throat and hastily said, “Uh… wow, you’re sappy. And what you said was hella sappy. And, uh, definitely weird. B-But, ergh, I guess I don’t… mind?”

She cursed internally at her stutter, but before she could proceed to embarrass herself more, he laughed. Uzi’s cheeks warmed at the happy sound, and her mind briefly wondered why his joy was like sunlight to bathe in—

—until her face contorted with discomfort, and she mentally kicked those thoughts out immediately.

I need to stop having such weird feelings attack me, like, where is this coming from??

He sounded much lighter. “Sorry for keeping you up, but I really appreciate what you said! And also for playing on stream with me today.”

Ignoring the first half of his response, she said, “Yeah, well, it probably won’t be the last time. Maybe I’ll be on tomorrow, too. Who knows?”

“Yay! More gaming with my gamer buddy!”

“Right, so… just go to sleep already, dude. Fun stuff tomorrow.”

“Ooh, yeah! Man, I’ve never been more excited to sleep! Goodnight, Uzi!”

“Goodnight, N.”

And then she disconnected the call.

Placing her phone beside her, she let it begin charging for the rest of the night. Her eyes went up to the ceiling, darkness clouding her vision. As sleepy as she was, repose did not take her. Her heart was still racing in her chest. Sensations from earlier were once again inflicting her, bringing befuddling thoughts that made her hands tremble.

I don’t like him. There’s no way.

She pulled the blanket overhead, before throwing it beside her. Then, she cuddled the blanket for comfort as her anxiety-ridden mind jumbled with confusing notions.

Sleep was chasing her, but she was faster.

I don’t.

I don’t.

I don’t.

When Uzi woke up the next morning, she was more tired than she had been in a while. Her eyes burned from the morning sun, and she turned away from her window to relieve the pain. On her belly with her face in her pillow, her hand absent-mindedly searched for her phone. Once she found it, she opened her phone, discovering the messages from N that awaited her.

N 07/30/2023 8:32 AM

will u be playing with me todaaay?

don’t have to answer until u r awake!

N 07/30/2023 8:35 AM

and also good morning when u wake up :)!!

N 07/30/2023 9:49 AM

uzi are u still sleeping? u have been asleep foreverrr

wake up :(

N 07/30/2023 9:58 AM

i hope u are doing ok!!!

if u are doing ok but u are busy and i’m making your phone go crazy i am sordy!!

sorry* :(

biscuits

Uzi chuckled, before putting her phone face-flat and shutting her eyes briefly.

When she re-opened her eyes, her room was lit up even more, and she felt much more rested. Her phone was below her open palm, so she lifted it to her view.

It was past noon.

And N sent her even more messages. He had even called her before twelve.

Guilt settled in her gut at the worry evident in his texts. She should have responded when she woke up the first time, but sleeping at five in the morning and waking up at ten was not enough to keep her conscious.

She checked her Twitch app, and found that he was already streaming. However, she went ahead and messaged him, anyway.

darkXwolf17 07/30/2023 12:22 PM

hey sorry

i actually slept late last night so

yeah

Uzi frowned at the lameness of her response, but she didn’t want to explain that she was kept up all night because of her dumb, complicated thoughts…

N 07/30/2023 12:22 PM

uzi! :o

aw

everything good?

Uzi smirked. Somehow, he responded faster than usual.

darkXwolf17 07/30/2023 12:23 PM

yeah

just dumb stuff

N 07/30/2023 12:23 PM

u wanna talk about it?

She raised an eyebrow at that.

darkXwolf17 07/30/2023 12:23 PM

u’r streaming tho

N 07/30/2023 12:24 PM

i can just turn on ads, no biggie!

Uzi smiled, feeling a gross amount of appreciation for the sentiment. Yet, she hated that she was inconveniencing his work. He didn’t have to stop streaming just to hear her out. She wasn’t sure if she wanted him to know what she had been thinking about, anyway.

She sent him a quick refusal, which was swiftly rebutted with an “are you sure?” and a pair of pleading-face emojis. Rolling her eyes, she texted him a firm “yes” and told him that she was going to go get some food. He asked her if she was going to hop on later, which made her thumbs hover over the keyboard.

Maybe the key to getting rid of these moronic thoughts is overexposure? I’ve never really had friends before, so I might be confusing my... ugh, “fond” feelings for something else.

When she sent a thumbs-up, he was more than elated. Her eyes rolled, but she couldn’t stop the smile from tugging at the corner of her lips.

So, after enjoying her lunch, she hopped on his stream once again. The chat welcomed her with cheers and enthusiasm, and although it was still as daunting as yesterday, Uzi was beginning to enjoy the positive attention for once. She joined him quickly on Drones Online, where they continued their progress on the main storyline. Of course, her microphone was still muted as he spoke to her via their party channel, and she communicated with her keyboard only. It was hard to come off as cool when she only wrote out her words, but she did her best. It seemed her recent appearances on N’s stream warranted friend requests on Discord from strangers, but she soon just turned off the friend requests.

Clicking the ‘Save’ button on her settings, she sighed. I really should have not put the same username for every account I own…

There were many people who were asking her to speak the moment she arrived, but it slowly dwindled to only a few. Surprisingly, the audience was quite accepting of her text-only way of interacting.

Midday approached fast. For her, gaming made time feel transient, even if it didn’t seem like it while she was immersed. She usually noticed how much time passed when the sun started to attack her eyes. With the sunlight streaming directly onto her face, she stood up to close the curtains.

Returning to her seat, she did a small stretch that relieved all the stiffness in her joints. N was taking the time to tend to his audience, so Uzi was in the background, crafting better gear for her character. He thanked his donors and welcomed his newest subscribers, then gave his full attention to his chat. Despite seventy-thousand-something viewers, they were all spamming the same thing now that they had the streamer looking their way.

She glanced at his chat, then did a double-take. Her face burned like a sporadic flame.

What the hell?!

Uzi looked at N for his reaction. To her astonishment, he was almost completely blank-faced, if not for the slight widening of his eyes.

Then he laughed.

“Um, well, since this question keeps coming up… a lot, even though I answered it already, here’s my answer. Again. Guys, she’s not my girlfriend.” He looked at the camera with a look of disbelief and all seriousness, “She is my wonderful gamer buddy who doesn’t like assumptions made about her, so please respect that. On that note, I have also noticed a lot of meaner messages about her coming up recently, which I do not approve of at all.”

He smiled, and it was N’s classic, joyful smile but… scarier. “Mods, if anyone continues to be bullies, please get them out of here. Don’t need them spoiling the fun!”

Uzi scoffed at the obedience his chat was displaying, then shook her head. She wasn’t sure if she should be worried or impressed with N’s control over his viewers. However, one thing was for certain…

Why the hell am I feeling more fluttery from that??

Uzi leaned back in her chair, hands running over her warm face.

It wasn’t the first time he defended her live, but it seemed like each time would elicit a strong reaction from her. Maybe it was because no one has ever defended her so publicly before.

Yeah, that’s probably it. I’m not used to someone vouching for me, or complimenting me in front of a ton of people, or being my friend without any shame…

Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t realize that N was calling out to her. She jolted back into consciousness, typing swiftly into their party channel.

[darkXwolf17]: i’m here

She pursed her lips, then chuckled in a manner that was reminiscent of a gremlin.

[darkXwolf17]: btw, if u ppl wanna know anything…

[darkXwolf17]: it’s that i’m tall

Chat responded immediately in amusem*nt and fake surprise, grasping at the crumbs of her identity. N grinned widely, enthusiasm renewed despite her delayed response. It seemed her little remark also lifted his mood significantly. Her shoulders slackened at his expression, like all of her twisting emotions and conflicting ideas melted away at the sight of his smile. It was unexplainable, but at that moment, she didn’t want to try to figure it out anymore. If she knew anything, it was that she was inexplicably happy in his presence.

Later that night, when N and Uzi finally retired for the night, they decided to text before sleeping.

N 07/30/2023 11:33 PM

uzi, srs q

darkXwolf17 07/30/2023 11:33 PM

?

N 07/30/2023 11:33 PM

are u actually tall?

She snorted, her palm colliding with her forehead as a laugh bubbled from her lips. However, knowing her height wouldn’t put her in any imminent danger of being discovered, Uzi decided to spare him from a lie.

darkXwolf17 07/30/2023 11:34 PM

if 5 ft is tall, then yeah

N 07/30/2023 11:34 PM

5 ft???!!!!

uzi i could use u as an armrest

For some reason, this offended her.

darkXwolf17 07/30/2023 11:35 PM

excuse me what?

N 07/30/2023 11:35 PM

biscuits i mean cus like

i’m 6’1

i am tall lol oof :(

She physically recoiled at his message because—

Six feet?! With an extra inch, to boot? What the hell?!

darkXwolf17 07/30/2023 11:36 PM

what do u mean oof??

u’r an apex predator at that height

N 07/30/2023 11:36 PM

well maybe to shorties lol :p

She gawked at the audacity, her mind processing the words he just wrote at her. When her brain finally registered it, an evil plan manifested, and she acted on it without hesitation.

darkXwolf17 07/30/2023 11:37 PM

bruh

i cant with u

u crossed the line

N 07/30/2023 11:37 PM

huhhh? :o

uzi pls wait

darkXwolf17 07/30/2023 11:37 PM

that’s it

N 07/30/2023 11:37 PM

uzi i’m sorry :((((((

darkXwolf17 07/30/2023 11:37 PM

that was

the last

N 07/30/2023 11:37 PM

uzi PLS

darkXwolf17 07/30/2023 11:37 PM

straw

N 07/30/2023 11:37 PM

IM SORRY PLEASEEE

She was giggling like crazy at this point, but she decided to go through with her tease.

darkXwolf17 07/30/2023 11:37 PM

unfriended

N 07/30/2023 11:38 PM

NOO

uzi u didnt

YOU DID??

Uzi was cackling, rolling around in her bed at his reaction.

N 07/30/2023 11:39 PM

ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQ

NOW

PLS

;-;

After catching her breath, she hit the accept button and typed back to him.

darkXwolf17 07/30/2023 11:39 PM

ok i did

;3

N 07/30/2023 11:40 PM

dont do that again ;-;

She felt a little guilty, so she told him that she wouldn’t unfriend him as a joke anymore, which he appreciated greatly.

In the middle of their text conversation, Uzi once again fell asleep first. She had been so enthralled with her discussion with N that she didn’t even realize that she was slowly losing the battle against sleep. He didn’t seem to mind though—after all, a sweet goodnight message greeted her when she woke up in the morning.

And this is how her week proceeded before next Monday—the first day of school. Her work schedule had already changed, so she had more time at home during the week to play with N. Throughout the week, she decided to continue joining him on his streams with only the intent of having fun with her friend. However, somehow, the gaming duo would accidentally fan the flames of gossip sometimes with their interactions. Uzi thought they were just being buddy-buddy as usual, so she wasn’t sure what these people were seeing.

Unless there was more to their interactions than she believed…

Uzi wondered this on Wednesday afternoon, just after N had saved her multiple times from certain death. He had also taken great care in making sure she was fully healed and protected. Even when it came to rare loot, he would always offer it up to her first.

Unconvinced, she shrugged. Probably not.

It was now Friday night, which was the last Friday of her summer break. Uzi was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep since N had actually knocked out first for once. She was ruminating on the impression she made on the streamer’s audience, which was making her pout.

While she was on N’s stream, she tried to be cool and mysterious, but much to her displeasure, she was rapidly gaining a reputation for being a hot-headed gremlin. Uzi guessed that her gamer rage, frequent use of capitalization, and typing “hehehehe” often was what led that image of her to dominate in the community.

At least N thought that her mannerisms were, as he says, “adorable.”

Once more, her heart fluttered.

Uzi sighed contently, then stomped on all the indicators pointing toward a very hopeless crush on her only friend.

Since, well, there was just no way.

To have a crush on her one friend, especially one who was just an online buddy…?

Besides the complications of long-distance, she had never even met him in real life, and she had only been talking to him for about three weeks!

So, there was definitely no reason for her to have any sort of those kinds of feelings for him. Even if he was kind, helpful, funny, cute, and overall a great person to be around, she didn’t want to blemish their friendship with inconvenient emotions.

It just wouldn’t make sense for me to—or for us to… be more than what we are. We’re online friends, just gamer buddies, and nothing more.

With that conclusion, she squeezed her eyes shut and pursued slumber, before her mind started to act up again.

Uzi pocketed her nametag and grabbed her messenger bag from her locker. As she exited the breakroom, she quickly crossed the store floor and swung her bag around her shoulder.

“Going on lunch.”

Rebecca glared at her from the register, eyes as sharp as daggers. “Don’t be late.”

Uzi glared back, equally vicious. “It was one time, bite me!”

She escaped the Hot Topic before the other woman could respond. With her earphones in, her beanie low, and her hands in the pockets of her hoodie, she had the perfect air of unapproachability. She wanted to waste no time on her way to buy her food, so this was her typical strategy to ensure that no one would bump into or bother her.

N’s Saturday stream was playing in her ears, and even without looking at her phone, she knew what was going on since he was just chatting with his viewers. They had asked him if she was going to be hopping on again, and the sound of his disappointment gave her the funny idea of wanting to quit. She shook her head at the frivolous concept as N changed topics to something more related to his streaming goals before the end of the year.

It sounded like he had some sort of document or list up, so she pulled her phone out to watch. Her feet carried her to the food court as her eyes glued themselves to the screen.

“—yeah, so I’m spending my bonus on hot brands!”

“I thought you liked to invest?”

“This is an investment—whoa!”

Uzi bumped into someone, causing her to nearly hit her face with her own device. Her eyes narrowed at the perpetrator after she lowered her phone.

“Watch it—”

The words died on her tongue immediately.

She would have never imagined this. Not in a million years.

The woman she bumped into irately stared at her, but Uzi paid her no mind. Right next to her was an internet celebrity, famously known by the name Angel of Death.

However, Uzi was more familiar with her real name.

V.

Said woman had her hands on her hips, her expression vexed. “Why don’t you watch it, you purple little girl? Didn’t your parents teach you how to say ‘sorry’ when you run into someone?”

More importantly, one of N’s roommates.

Taking a breath, she locked eyes with the taller, short-haired woman…

…and promptly articulated the most sophisticated sentence her dumbfounded brain could conjure.

“Huh?”

Chapter 8: an anchor in this rolling sea

Chapter Text

In the span of one second after her utterance, Uzi had a total of three coherent thoughts.

That’s really V, right?!

Why the hell is V here?

Oh, my God. Does that mean N lives nearby?

“Hello?” The woman who Uzi bumped into was waving her hand in front of her face, drawing her attention away from V. “Did you lose a few brain cells?”

V scowled, shooting a side-eye at the woman beside her.

“J.”

“What??”

“You already know.”

Apparently named J, the woman rolled her eyes and said robotically, “Sorry, I mean, are you hurt? Not that you got brain damage but maybe you should get checked out, I don’t know.”

V snorted, not sure what to say to that. She turned back to Uzi and told her, “You’re still in the wrong, but my friend here should know better. Guess that’s what you get from a nonprofit behavioral camp for juvenile teens no one cares about, right?”

J jolted, smacking V on the arm. “That was so long ago! And you aren’t supposed to tell people that!”

“Oh, really?” V raised an eyebrow at her, “Maybe I should have gone with you to that camp, then, so I could learn about the sort of stuff you don’t say to people. Oh, wait, I did. Yet here we are! God, why do you live with us, again?”

“Because I always call the shots, duh.”

“Not since high school. Get over yourself.”

Uzi was petrified, standing there stupidly at the sudden reveal that not one, but two of N’s roommates were right in front of her. With what was supposedly sensitive information revealed to her on top of that, she wasn’t sure what to say or do. Fortunately, two of her limited brain cells decided to communicate with each other, allowing her to finally stutter out, “Um, s-sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was—Holy sh*t, are you V?!”

Alright, so her brain cells weren’t managing her vocals well, but at least the streamer didn’t seem creeped out. If anything, she looked a bit touched.

“You know me?”

J was surprised, with a sprinkle of disgust on her face. “You know her? God, of course this little dweeb is one of your weirdos.”

“Shut up! I told you that streaming is more influential. I don’t see anyone recognizing you.”

“You shut up. They will soon enough.”

“Anyway,” V smiled at her, but Uzi had to vehemently suppress the shivers that ran down her spine. Her smile was nothing like N’s—his was sunny, bright, and full of cheer. V looked like she was going to devour her, “that’s so cute! I didn’t take you for a fan, but that would explain why you’re having trouble speaking.”

A fan?

Uzi swiftly considered this. Maybe it would get her through this awkward as hell situation.

“Y-Yeah, I’m a… huuuge fan.” She mustered up a smile and pretended to fawn, “I can’t believe I’m running into you! Here, at the biggest mall in the state! Ahaha… wow! What are the odds??”

“Aw, you’re so nervous, you can’t even smile correctly.” V walked closer to her, really showing the difference in their heights. Uzi gulped as sharp golden-brown eyes stared down at her. “Don’t be afraid, my little purple fan. I don’t bite.”

“Oh, my God. V, can you not? She’s, like, twelve. You don’t wanna catch a case like N.”

“It’s just part of my internet persona. My subs eat it up!” V hissed at her, eyes narrowing, before switching her attention back to Uzi, “Damn, sorry about her. She doesn’t get it ‘cus she’s a total corporate slave.”

Before Uzi could respond, V scowled at J, saying, “Also, don’t say that about N. He already said that the girl he was talking to was of age!”

Uzi’s mind was beginning to blank.

They’re talking about me… right in front of me. This is so freaking weird.

“Last we checked, he has never met her, and he hasn’t even seen what she looks like, so… I’m not buying it!” J flipped her ponytail over her shoulder, scoffing, “You have got to be a real idiot to completely believe a random person online without any proof.”

Suddenly, V was in front of the other woman, seething. Her voice was low and threatening, but Uzi managed to hear it all. “J, you said you weren’t gonna talk about him like that anymore.”

J crossed her arms, weaponizing her own glare. She huffed, “Not in front of him—that’s what I promised Tessa. I don’t care if it’s you.”

Uzi felt bullets of sweat run down her skin. She felt somewhat lightheaded, like the lack of lunch and the abrupt reveals that came one after another were starting to drain her.

Why are these two spouting so much personal information in the middle of a huge mall?? And about N, too! Wait—

Uzi frowned, realizing that they were also risking N’s reputation because of their inability to keep quiet. Even if it wasn’t exactly her fault, she would still hate herself if N’s career was destroyed because people mistook her for a minor he was supposedly “romantically involved” with. She knew how rumors spread, and she knew the damage they could do.

Unable to restrain herself, she remarked, “Hey, maybe you girls could, I don’t know, not talk about this right now? Deal with it at home or something!”

The two taller blondes turned to her, causing Uzi to falter considerably. N’s online credibility and his signature smile flashed in her mind, however, which fortified her resolve. She continued, “Don’t just bring up dumb stuff that could get—uh, someone in trouble!”

A beat passed.

J straightened her back. Uzi didn’t think it was possible, but she felt smaller than before. The older woman arched a perfectly slim eyebrow and said coldly, “V, your fan is quite feisty for someone still learning algebra.”

V glared at her, but J ignored it and disdainfully remarked, “The adults are talking, kid. Kindly f*ck off.”

Uzi gaped at her.

She had been disrespected and belittled before, and being angry was usually her go-to reaction in the face of such pettiness. However, Uzi had been standing down, afraid of being in such close proximity to N’s roommates because of what it implied when it came to the distance between her and N.

Now… Now, she didn’t give a sh*t.

She gritted her teeth, taking one step forward.

“What the hell is your problem, you asshole—?!”

V stepped up in front of her, acting as a barrier between the two of them.

“Alright, enough.”

J smirked, stance unwavering. “Oh, no, V. I wanna see what she can do. The purple little girl thinks she’s a grown up now, so let me treat her like one.”

Uzi fumed, “I am a f*cking—!”

“Stop. Now.” V seethed, her long nails looking very much like threatening claws. Uzi gritted her teeth, but otherwise stopped speaking, allowing V to turn her attention to her uncaring roommate. “God, J, you always do this sh*t. But with a teenager, of all people? Why did I come with you today?”

Uzi nearly went off on V, about to scream how she wasn’t a damn teenager, but miraculously controlled herself. J shrugged indifferently, admiring her manicure. “I just wanted to spend my bonus on expensive-ass brands. I didn’t ask you to come.”

Uzi thought she heard a crack with how fast V turned her entire body.

“Okay, first of all, yes, you did. I had to suffer through a forty-minute drive from Copper Five County to this stupid mall because of you.” She pointed a beautifully painted nail at her, speaking harshly so that J wouldn’t be able to interject. “Secondly, you’re being more bitchy than usual, and I’m actually about to beat your ass—don’t f*cking look at me like that, you know I can—so can you please shut up?”

The businesswoman stared at her roommate, then shifted her gaze toward Uzi, who was still glowering at her. Rolling her eyes, she pivoted on her heel and ambled away decisively with a loud harrumph. Her heels clacked against the shiny, waxed floors, gradually fading.

V pinched her nose bridge, taking deep breaths to calm herself. Then, she faced the purple-haired woman, who was sticking her tongue out at J’s back. Upon being caught, Uzi flushed and tried to look innocent.

The streamer gestured, “Look, sorry for the whole ordeal. My family is… strange, to say the least.”

Uzi could not deal with one more discovery about N’s homelife, or she was going to spontaneously combust.

“That’s your sister?”

“Ugh, thankfully not by blood. I might have shared her ugly-ass genes if that were the case.”

J shouted from ten feet away. “I f*cking heard that, you bitch!”

V just about had enough. “KEEP WALKING!”

Her scream made heads turn, and it made Uzi nearly piss herself, but V paid the passersby no mind.

“I can snap a picture with you as compensation. I usually don’t do it for free, ‘cus I like to make more money than J, but I’ll do it as a little treat for you!”

Abruptly, V leaned closer, spooking the shorter woman.

“And, well… I’d also like if this little altercation stayed between us. J doesn’t mean any harm—well, not anymore. She’s just a little stupid and doesn’t know how to be nice, like, at all. But I can be nice!”

It was like V’s eyes lost their light as she tilted her head.

“Or, I can be mean, if that’s what I need to be…?”

“No, no!” Uzi backed off, holding her hands up in surrender. “I can be quiet. I don’t even need a picture! I’d hate to, uh, inconvenience my favorite streamer more than this!”

V smiled, almost cutely. “I’m glad we’ve reached an agreement! Well, I’ll see you around. Ciao!”

And then she walked off, presumably after her roommate.

Uzi slumped against the wall, finally able to breathe. Ignoring the concerned looks of the crowd, she sighed and wondered, How the hell is N so wholesome when he’s living with those two?!

Genuinely, Uzi prayed that she would never have the misfortune of running into them again. Pulling out her phone, she quickly checked the time, and consequently groaned.

She was ten minutes over her break.

Damn it, Rebecca is gonna kill me…

After suffering through a rough, long day, Uzi made it home in one piece. She shut the door behind her, dragged herself to her couch, and promptly face-planted in the soft cushions. She was severely beginning to regret putting the full Saturday shift as her availability, but groceries and a premium Crunchyroll membership weren’t going to buy themselves. It wasn’t even a few minutes of peace before her stomach rumbled angrily.

“Shut up, geez.” Uzi forced herself up, feeling woozy. She didn’t feel like cooking an actual meal, however, so she took out a couple of instant noodle packets and decided to be unhealthy for the night. As her body automatically prepared the food, her mind wandered off into today’s events.

J and V were… interesting, to say the least. V especially, since the short-haired woman made Uzi feel like she was constantly being scrutinized, despite her saying she was a fan. She was also terrifying, and Uzi wondered if the rumors about her being a pro in martial arts actually held some truth.

J, on the other hand, was extremely irritating, and had worse social cues than Uzi did, which was saying a lot. Thinking about J talking sh*t about N in such a public space was making Uzi’s blood boil.

Just like how the pot of water was beginning to boil.

Uzi quickly dumped the dried noodles into the pot, then set the timer.

V mentioned that J isn’t supposed to insult N because of… someone named Tessa? But J said the condition was to not say it to his face, so does that mean she used to… degrade him directly?

Her leg was beginning to bounce, so she stood up again and began to swirl the noodles around in the boiling water.

I wouldn’t be surprised. N has some… tendencies to self-deprecate. But even up to now, he’s still such a good person. Honestly, he’s too nice to be living with them. I wonder why he’s sticking around people that used to treat him poorly…? Uzi frowned at the noodles that began to unravel and soften in the heat. I sure hope they still aren’t treating him horribly there, even if it’s just J, or else I’ll…

Uzi blinked.

What would she do? For a friend she has known for only three weeks?

Why am I okay with opening my home to someone who is… basically a stranger?

Uzi bonked her head. Maybe she was losing a few brain cells.

I mean, as awful as J is, she isn’t completely wrong about N trusting me so easily. It’s… a little dumb. Like, I know what N looks like, and now I’ve even met half of his roommates! But he has no idea who I am besides my name and my voice…

The bubbles nearly boiled over, which yanked Uzi back into awareness for a moment. After straining the noodles and pouring them into a bowl, she mixed the packets of seasoning and sauces into them.

This is why us being anything more than online friends would be so bizarre. We barely know anything about each other. For the most part, all we do together is play a popular video game.

Uzi’s heart panged from the abrupt realization that the closeness with her friend may have likely been exaggerated in her mind.

I don’t… even know what his real name might be. Is N his real name? But why would J and V have single letter names, too, if they aren’t actually family? Ugh, I should stop asking myself these things. I’m going to get curious, which leads to asking questions, which will lead to unnecessary bonding…

Absent-mindedly, she stirred the noodles until the colors and flavors blended together. The aroma made her mouth water.

I… really need to stop thinking about the prospects of romance or whatever. All those stupid thoughts and emotions need to just go. Or else… if I let them continue… I’ll just be making a fool out of myself.

She felt her stomach lurch at the thought of stepping over that boundary.

She swallowed hard, her mind becoming foggy and her chest tightening.

N is a good friend. A great friend. I don’t want to lose him… because I can’t control myself…

Uzi began to eat, a small part of her brain guiltily enjoying the delicious taste of pre-packaged noodles. Oh, the irony of taking pleasure in the things she knows she shouldn’t have.

So, I will control myself. I will make sure to keep him at a comfortable distance. Too close will be… too intimate.

She nodded, agreeing with her own notions. It was the perfect solution, really. To keep herself from having inappropriate thoughts and emotions, and to keep N at arm’s length, she just needed to make sure that the way they were now never changed.

As she ate her noodles in utmost silence, finally appeasing her irate stomach, another thought sprung to the forefront of her brain.

If they live in Copper Five County, then… that means N lives about an hour away.

Uzi’s heart rate picked up at the implications of this fact. Then, she bit down on the inside of her cheek, only hard enough to drive some sense back into her.

Whatever. That doesn’t matter. Remember, you’re just online friends. Don’t try to close that distance.

And that was fine, because Uzi was used to distance. Her own father had done it basically her entire life, anyway. What more if it was just a random guy on the internet who she called her gamer buddy?

There was no difference, really.

None at all.

Her phone suddenly lit up with the Discord app, and suddenly the ringtone was resounding through her small living space. Uzi jumped at the broken tranquility, but saw that it was N calling her. How funny that her torrential thoughts on him manifested him into existence. Before she could ponder what may be an underlying superpower, she answered hastily.

“Uzi! You’re aliveee!”

Chewing with a mouthful of noodles, she responded, “Uh, yeah, why?”

“Well, I was texting you to see if you made it home okay, but you never answered, so I got worried!”

Uzi smiled; N was too good for her. “I’m fine, just eating dinner.”

“Cook something good?”

“Um…” Uzi swallowed, somewhat ashamed, “instant noodles?”

“Aw, what? Uzi!”

“I didn’t feel like cooking! Leave me alone.”

“Okay, just… don’t make it a habit!” N scolding her should have annoyed her, but instead she felt weirdly moved by his concern. “How was work today? You have never been out for so long, and on a Saturday, too!”

“Yeah, new work schedule. It’s gross.”

“Why’d you change it?”

“Uh…” Uzi kicked her feet together nervously, “I’m actually starting school soon…”

“No way! You’re going to college?” N gasped, reveling in this new bit of information, “That’s awesome!”

“Uh, what?” While defending her brain from the terrible high school memories fighting its way out of her mental vault, she groused, “It’s lame! School is lame and the other people I’m forced to be around are probably just as lame, soooo, yeah, no, I’m not that excited. You’re lucky you don’t have to go anymore.”

There was abrupt silence.

Uzi checked the call to see if it had dropped by accident, but they were both still connected. Before she could ask why, he said in a less than cheery tone, “I never went to college, actually.”

Oh, she replied in her mind, but saying it out loud felt… rude.

His tone quickly picked back up. “I think it’s cool that you’re going. I bet you’re going for something computer-related, huh?”

Uzi flushed. “How did you guess?”

“Well, a certain gamer buddy of mine is kinda unveiling the secrets of Drones Online lore just by knowing how to read code—”

“Ugh, okay, I get it! And I don’t know how to fully read it, I just know a little bit.” Uzi had long finished her dinner, and was cleaning up after herself. A moment passed, then she said, “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“Well, I can hear your thoughts!” She accused, “You’re thinking cringey, sappy compliments again!”

“...Hehe, maybe!”

“N, you’re so—” Uzi cut herself off, unsure what she wanted to say.

Stupid? Moronic?

No, those don’t sound right.

Kind? Wholesome?

Hmm, those are closer.

Wonderful? Loveable—?

Okay, Uzi dried her hands on her towel, now wait just a second, brain. We don’t tolerate those thoughts anymore.

“I’m so…?” N sounded like an excited puppy, “What? What were you gonna say?”

Uzi headed to her bedroom, stomping all the way.

“Nothing! Bite me!”

“Pleaseeee??”

“No!”

“Uzi!”

“N,” she grouched, grabbing her pajamas, “drop it!”

“But I just know that you were going to say something nice! I love it when you say nice things!”

“Wha—” Uzi flushed and froze, right as she had just turned her shower on, “Why?!”

“Well, you act mean all the time, so when you say nice things, they’re extra nice!”

“I don’t act mean. I am mean!”

“Noo, not to me, at least!”

“Don’t say that so—ugh, I’m not a—a tsundere!”

“A what? Soon-der-aye? What’s that?”

“A tsundere, a girl that… God, do you not watch anime?”

“Not really! There’s just so many shows that I never know where to start.”

Uzi couldn’t believe this man. Clearly, she had some work to do. “So here’s the plan for tonight: I’m gonna go shower, and then we’re watching Naruto. No butts.”

“Okay! I’m up for anything.”

“Good. Talk to you later.” She disconnected from the call and threw her phone on the bed. This was going to be the fastest shower she had ever taken in her life. The quicker she got out, the more episodes they could watch before bedtime. She couldn’t wait to see his reactions!

Uzi awoke steadily, her eyes adjusting to the morning sun filtering into her room. When she checked the time, it was eight in the morning, which was surprisingly on time. Well, not like she wanted to be late on her first day of classes.

Or maybe she could be.

No, just get up.

Forcing herself out of bed, she saw the messages N had written last night after she had fallen asleep. Yesterday, she didn’t have work to go to, so she hopped on N’s Sunday stream to play with him. The chat was more welcoming each and every time she appeared, and she got to play with N as much as possible. It was a win-win, which made it easier for her to pop up in his stream.

As soon as N had finished his broadcast, Uzi opened up Crunchyroll and shared her screen as a way to watch with him. They continued watching Naruto from where they left off on Saturday night. It was quite nice—just them chilling in voice chat and reacting to a classic anime. When they had gone to bed, they were in the middle of discussing Naruto when she knocked out. Based on his texts, though, it seemed that N found a strange kindred spirit in the titular main character.

“He just wants friends!” N said last night, distraught, “Everyone is so mean to him, but he didn’t even do anything!”

Uzi remembered herself responding with, “Right?! Like, he’s literally just a child!”

He had replied with, “I’d totally be his friend! Big scary fox monster and all. You, too, Uzi!”

“Huh? Why me, too?”

“Because I want you to be there, or else I really might get scared of the fox.”

Uzi giggled to herself while she finished preparing to leave, even if she wasn’t entirely sure what N meant by that.

It seemed he was enjoying the series so far, which was great, since it was one of the first anime she watched as a kid. There was something about watching it with N, however, that made her feel… lighter. Like, physically lighter. It’s as if seeing him react to and enjoy one of her childhood treasures was simply delightful.

If she had a choice, she would stay home all day to watch Naruto with him than go to school.

Uzi breathed out slowly, desperately attempting to separate in her mind which school she was going to.

College. You’re going to college now.

Unfortunately, college wasn’t free, and she had enough pride to not waste her father’s money. After making sure she had everything she needed, she headed for the door. Yet, before she stepped out of her bedroom, her gaze suddenly aimed toward her bedside table.

She walked over, opening the drawer.

A familiar amber vial greeted her.

I don’t need to bring it.

Uzi stared at it.

I’ve gotten better. I’m better now.

And her grip on the knob fastened.

I’m okay. I don’t need it.

Shutting the drawer, she left quickly before her mind betrayed her. Before she drove off, she wrote N a few messages back.

darkXwolf17 08/07/2023 8:19 AM

going to class now

first day

bleeh

N 08/07/2023 8:19 AM

good morning! :D

have fun!!

She snorted.

darkXwolf17 08/07/2023 8:19 AM

fun 💀

ttyl gonna drive

N 08/07/2023 8:20 AM

be safe!

we watch more naruto later!!!

Uzi snorted, sending him a quick thumbs-up, and tried not to cave in to the weird urge to hug her phone. Instead, she threw it down beside her and started her route to her college.

Her mind was becoming noisier as she came closer and closer to the campus. She did her best to not let it distract her while she was driving.

When she arrived, she was somewhat impressed with how large the campus was. The recent renovations definitely pulled in a lot of students, and Uzi was really starting to feel like a student once more instead of an actual person. However, the abrupt realization that she was seriously about to begin school again made her head spin. She quickly dismissed the feeling and went on her way to her classroom.

Being outside was… fine, but once she entered the building, she basically shrunk.

Immediately, the noise of students surrounded her. There were tons of students, various amounts of them strolling to and fro, sitting on the seats nearby, or loitering about. Uzi hurried to her classroom, trying to ignore the faint conversations grazing her ears.

At first, it wasn’t anything she really paid attention to…

…until the clamoring jumbled together into a bitter, old symphony.

Suddenly, the music crystallized, and she could hear it clearly. This familiar tune.

One that she used to hear every day, every time that she walked into that same gray building with never-ending halls and blurry faces.

It was about her, about her life, about her looks, about her personality—everything she had to her name was laid bare for all to see.

They’re not talking about me.

They’re not.

But they were before.

Uzi felt like she wanted to crawl out of her own skin.

Her eyes glanced at some of the people passing her by, and her hands tightened around the straps of her backpack. No one seemed to even notice her, like her existence was made futile in the face of other people.

They’re not even looking at me.

But I should be used to that.

It was both a comfort and a tragedy—she wasn’t sure which she preferred.

The unease growing in her chest was beginning to spiral out of control, and after a minute of being in the crowd of students, she felt like throwing up. She knew—she knew—that they were not looking at her or talking about her, but, oh, in her frightened, widened eyes, it just seemed like they were.

Her brain started to undo itself, where it felt like the starry lights of an empty stage were suddenly beaming at her.

It was starting to get uncomfortably hot.

Just get to class.

Uzi nearly stumbled.

Don’t be stupid. Don’t fall. Don’t let them see.

A hand flew to her mouth as her gut flipped once again, threatening to spill its contents onto the floor. Without hesitation, Uzi fled to the nearest bathroom, cutting through the traffic of students. Fortunately, there was no one else to witness her downfall, so she darted to the sink and dry-heaved.

No.

A choked sound escaped her.

No vomiting on the first day.

She cradled her face in her hands, the rhythmic sound of her rapid breathing replacing the cacophony. Uzi shuddered, her gut a twisted knot that pulled and pushed each corner of her abdomen. It was agonizing how her pounding heart tried to rip itself out.

New place. New people. No one knows who you are.

She looked at the mirror, and immediately recoiled. In her mind’s eye, she was fourteen again, and there were faceless girls taunting her. Eerie grins stretched across their visages, but she knew—she knew, she knew, she already knew that it’s not real.

And yet…

And yet, Uzi swiftly turned away from the reflection. One hand gripped hard on the porcelain sink behind her, and the other was clutching at her oh-so aching, throbbing, painful chest.

In.

Out.

Her mind chanted, and her body struggled to follow.

The intensity heightened at the discoveries of—

Oh, this again? It’s okay, I am alone!

and—

Oh, this again… and I am all alone…

In.

Out.

Shakily, she looked for her phone—she could deal with many things, but loneliness was one of the worst aggravators.

In.

Out.

In a few seconds, she called—

Instantaneously, he picked up.

“Hellooo?” N’s voice pierced through the haze. “I'm surprised you’re calling me this time!”

In.

She blinked, as though registering the voice on the other line.

Out.

She wasn’t sure why she called N.

In.

She could have called her dad.

Out.

Hell, she could have even dialed her old therapist.

In.

“Uzi? You there?”

Out.

In times like these, she would wish she still had her mother. But for some reason, in her mind, her thoughts, her desires…

In.

…he appeared first.

Out.

“...N…”

“...Are you okay?”

She shook her head, but he, of course, didn’t see. Her mouth was parched, and swallowing irritated her throat, but she only sighed.

“Yeah.”

In.

Her hands trembled.

“Are you sure?”

Out.

She could finally breathe, she realized.

“...Yeah.”

Then there was tranquility.

When she closed her eyes, all she could hear was her own heart beat. Yet, with him present next to her ear, it felt like it was his and not hers racing.

Briefly, she wondered if he would hug her if he was here.

Abruptly, he broke the silence.

“When does your class start?”

Uzi reopened her eyes, the ceiling lights momentarily blinding her. She looked down at the tiles and kicked at nothing.

“Nine.”

“We got time, then.”

She hummed, her tune a questioning sort.

“So, I really like Naruto, but I don’t feel like his crush on Sakura is doing him any favors.”

She blinked, then furrowed her eyebrows. A sudden discussion about Naruto was not what she was expecting.

“Besides, she seems totally obsessed with the emo guy! Sausage?”

She couldn’t help it. She chuckled, albeit weakly.

“No, Sasuke.” She answered in a half-whisper, "I call him Sausage because it was, like, a funny inside-joke in the fandom back then.”

“Ohhh, that would make more sense.” She wasn’t sure why, but it sounded like he was smiling brightly. “Sausage is funnier, though. I think I’ll call him that instead.”

Uzi chuckled again, shorter this time, then asked, “Uh, did I bother you?”

“Huh? Oh! No, I just finished with my workout.” N told her nonchalantly, but Uzi couldn’t stop the images that suddenly popped up in her mind. Her face warmed, borderline burned, but she tried to swat away the inappropriate visions. He continued, blissfully unaware of her plight, “And besides, you don’t need to worry about that! Call me whenever you need to. Even if I’m streaming.”

She sighed, body uncoiling. “I can’t do that…”

“I give you my full permission.” He spoke kindly, “Trust me, Uzi, you never bother me. And I’m always here if you need me.”

Her eyes stung, and her vision was beginning to blur.

However, instead of holding back, she let it fall.

She has only ever heard that phrase a handful of times in her life. Although, it was never really easy to believe until N said it.

Still, Uzi had to double-check. “You sure about that?”

Without a moment’s notice, he answered, “Definitely.”

“...Okay. I believe you.” Uzi sniffed, silently wiping away the stray tears. She did her best to not talk in a watery voice. “You weird, sappy man… You’re too much sometimes, you know? You don’t have to always be so nice and listen to me and… ugh, you know, all the wholesome stuff you do. Not for me, especially.”

He chuckled, and she wasn’t sure if she heard correctly, but she could have sworn he muttered “always for you.”

Her ears must be fooling her again.

Out of nowhere, he asked, “So, what did you pick for your first day of school fit?”

She lightly snorted, looking down at herself. “Um, well, something comfortable and cool? Only dark colors because I hate bright ones. I, er, I have on… shorts, a sweater vest for looks, striped socks—”

“Striped socks??”

Her mind was beginning to clear, and in some ways, it felt like she didn’t spiral at all. Her tears slowly dried. “I like striped socks, okay? Bite me.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. What else do you like?”

“...Cool tech?”

"Aw..." He said cheekily, "Nerd.”

“Shut up.”

Uzi sighed softly, then checked the time. It was about five minutes before class started, but each second she spent with N felt like it lasted forever.

“I know you gotta go. So I won’t keep you any longer, but…” He sounded sad, somehow, like he didn’t want to hang up as much as she didn’t want to. N said encouragingly, “you got this! You’re awesome at Drones Online, so I have no doubts you’ll be great at school!”

She tried not to laugh at that ridiculous statement. “How do those two things relate to each other?”

“Well… because you’re smart and fun to be around… and stuff…” N chuckled awkwardly, “Ah, not to be weird or anything. Just trying to… You know what? Nevermind. Haha…”

Her brain lagged slightly at the uncharacteristic shyness in his tone. She gulped, fighting off the persistent feelings she had sworn off just days before.

“Uh, d-duh, I know that I’m smart! Don’t have to tell me.” Uzi started making her way to the classroom, her entire body heating up, “Shut up. I—shoot, where is—uh, I need to go. Class.”

“Oh, okay! Talk to you later?”

Uzi bit her lip, before replying, “I’ll probably text you during lecture.”

“Uzi!”

“Class gets boring, okay? God.” Uzi flushed, and hurriedly disconnected the call with a “bye!”

She found a seat in the back of the large lecture hall, and after settling into it, she instantly put her head down.

I don’t.

I don’t.

I don’t! Ugh…!!

As she descended into yet another episode of rampant denials, an undeniable, quivering smile took place on her red face. His compliments repeated themselves over and over in her head, chasing away the bad memories.

Crossing her arms onto the table and resting her head on them, the poor professor’s introduction went right into one ear and out through the other.

Chapter 9: when the sun shines, so does the moon

Chapter Text

Lazily, Uzi slumped over the counter, the register hiding her from view. Since it was still early into Saturday morning, there were barely any customers—no confused mothers, lost fathers, or angsty or rebellious teens. Just her and good ole’ Hot Topic.

In front of her was her phone, and since N wasn’t streaming yet, she decided to look up older videos of him. There were thousands of gameplay videos, hundreds of compilations made not only by him but also by his fans, and even reaction videos to his videos.

Talk about being famous.

As she watched a strange compilation someone put together of N’s hiccups, she wondered if streaming was something N wanted to do for the rest of his career. From what she researched, it seemed that he began sometime while he was in high school. He wasn’t that much older than her, and even if he didn’t go to college before, he definitely could go back whenever he wanted to.

Ugh, here we go again. Why do I care if my gamer buddy wants to change careers or not? Uzi rolled her eyes at herself, then frowned. Teetering on the line of being online friends or genuine friends was rough. Deciding that wondering about his career development wasn’t in violation of her rule, she thought to herself, Well, he knows I go to school for computer stuff, so it isn’t weird if I wonder what he wants to do. Right?

She considered how his roommates seemed to have careers that branched outside of streaming, with V as the exception. J must have been the rumored “successful businesswoman,” which made Uzi scoff. Well, maybe J’s personality is cut out for the business world. I don’t know, but that’s good for her. At least some employer wants her.

Thinking about N’s roommates, the “rich and talented” and the “gifted in computer science” ones were still unknown to her, but she could only dream that they were less chaotic and intense characters than V and J.

She hoped that she wouldn’t have another run-in with those two, and if for some forsaken reason they did cross paths again, then she prayed that there at least wouldn’t be a repeat of last Saturday. If anything, she was glad now that her availability was only Saturdays, since that would greatly reduce the chances of encountering them again. Uzi grimaced, remembering V’s unsettling grin and J’s ugly personality. With caution, she raised her head slightly above the register, scanning for said roommates.

Fortunately, it was all clear.

A bit too clear. If a tumbleweed rolled past, she wouldn’t be surprised.

This is silly. It’s not like they would go looking for me. They don’t even know who I am.

Uzi rested her chin in her palm, pondering how often N talked about her to them. A faint sensation of glee crawled up her back.

I mean, he must talk a bit about me if they are gonna bring up my existence out of nowhere.

It was weird to realize that her existence was such a mystery to so many people. As Uzi scrolled through more Reddit posts about her identity, she wondered how disappointing it would be if N’s viewers found out she was just a plain girl with a simple day-to-day life. Besides her (maybe exaggerated) ultimate goal to replace humanity with much better, convenient, and all-around amazing AI, she wasn’t really the type of person that people… liked. With N’s support, the number of people who criticized her for no reason had reduced significantly, as well as boosted the number of shippers exponentially.

There were many threads around the internet asking if they were dating, and since the answer was a clear negative from both the streamer and herself, then there were even more posts pointing out little “hints” and big “examples” that indicated their possible hidden feelings for each other.

Her face burned at the short collections of “evidence” some fans had gathered to prove that the streamer and his gamer buddy liked each other.

So weird! Uzi exclaimed internally, saving each one to look at later when she was home.

For research.

However, she still wasn’t sure why his viewers shipped them. She and N were definitely not romantically-involved, and they had stated it multiple times, so she was confused why it was persisting. Uzi thought the audience would at first be displeased to find that they didn’t have any kind of special connection, but then expected them to move on quickly. Yet, there were still people inquiring about their relationship status, and she wasn’t sure what kind of sparks people were seeing between herself and an ultra-popular, bigshot streamer.

She was just… there.

N would be better off dating another well-known internet celebrity, and not a random lurker. Hell, I haven’t even been his fan for that long compared to a lot of other people…

Uzi may have been digging a bit too deeply into N’s streamer history, however, and now the community of N simps that threatened to dox her and track her down were influencing her thoughts. Determining that she had enough Reddit in one day, she went back to Discord and wrote to him.

darkXwolf17 08/12/2023 10:24 AM

bored af

N 08/12/2023 10:24 AM

slow morning? :o

darkXwolf17 08/12/2023 10:24 AM

yea :/

N 08/12/2023 10:24 AM

u got games on ur phone? xD

darkXwolf17 08/12/2023 10:25 AM

omg

bruh lol

u did not just ask that

N 08/12/2023 10:25 AM

hehe yeaaah i did :3c

btw i saw a vid that abs solvers after the class upgrade can get individual upgrades

and they look really similar to disassembly drones!

darkXwolf17 08/12/2023 10:25 AM

whatt??

how

N 08/12/2023 10:26 AM

u have to eat ppl!! 😳

darkXwolf17 08/12/2023 10:26 AM

…

wat

N was still typing to her when Uzi felt someone poke her shoulder. She jumped in place, her phone jumbling in her hands, before she whirled around and shot a glare at the perpetrator.

Doll looked at her unimpressed.

Uzi’s eyebrows shot up.

“Since when do you work on Saturdays?”

“Good morning, too. I started school this week, ochevidno.” Doll placed her hands on her hips. Uzi let out a sigh, “Right, that makes sense.”

Uzi allowed silence to pass between them as she messaged N that she had to go. The longer-haired woman arched an eyebrow at her. “I heard you got into a fight or something last week.”

“You did?”

“Well, people talk about a small purple girl versus two tall blondes, and I already know who the purple girl is.”

“You have purple hair too, though.”

“It’s longer and darker and more blue, but nice try.” Doll corrected her, then questioned, “How did that happen when you’re as… weak and tiny as a tarakan?”

Uzi pocketed her phone, uttering, “I don’t know what that is—”

“co*ckroach.”

“Wow, okay, asshole. Bite me.” Uzi scowled at her, “It wasn’t a fight, but I could have fought. I just… got stopped by the other woman.”

“I heard,” Doll said, her tone low as she practically spat out, “it was V.”

Uzi blinked. “There was a… lot of hostility there. You okay? What was that about?”

“She murdered my parents.”

Uzi almost choked. “She—what? She did WHAT?”

“God, I’m just joking. They died in an accident.” Doll rolled her eyes, crossing her arms. Uzi didn’t find that any better, but before she could stutter out her perplexed condolences, Doll continued, “But I do loathe her. She stole my first girlfriend.”

“Oh!” Uzi nodded, understanding. She isn’t sure how that could have happened, and frankly, she didn’t want to know. Doll somehow still managed to weird her out despite all this time. From the eerie smiles to figuring out what her last name suggested to now this informative conversation. “Okay, well, then.”

“I don’t want to speak about that merzkaya zhenshchina anymore. How was your first week?” Doll asked, her tone shifting to something much more light-hearted than how it was previously. Uzi snorted, “Uh, fine?”

Her first week at college ended much better than how it started. As it progressed, she was becoming less and less anxious about being in the swarm of students, despite still not being able to face or talk to any of her peers properly. Luckily, there was also no recurrence of a panic attack, and if she felt one coming on, she would reflexively call or message N, who would (of course) respond to her immediately. When he did, it seemed that her worries melted away without hesitation, and that the things and ideas that terrified her were helpless in the face of N’s sunny disposition.

Although N has disapproved, she would watch his stream during her afternoon classes, enjoying the way his chat would question her whereabouts. Her classes were mostly introductory, and therefore very easy to listen to with only one open ear.

He would often have to explain to his viewers that she was too busy now to hop on, but sometimes when she felt bold (and slight pity), she would type in his chat and answer their questions for him. Those questions were for her, after all.

Suddenly, she realized that this was the least tense conversation they have had since the start of summer, regardless of how bizarre Doll’s personality was. Maybe Doll was just like that, and there was nothing else to it. Maybe Doll was just another human trying to get by, and didn’t care much for proper social interactions like her. Maybe often choosing to speak to thousands of people on a livestream was helping Uzi become somewhat more socially aware.

Awkwardly, Uzi asked, “Yours?”

With a shrug, Doll answered, “Eh, school is school.”

“Ugh, tell me about it.”

“Psst.”

Silence.

“Hey, um…”

Hesitance.

“Heeey, purple girl.”

Uzi removed an earphone from her ear, turning her attention away from N’s stream. He was in the middle of one of the main cutscenes of Drones Online, and now she would have to go back and watch the recorded vod because some doofus was interrupting. Irately, she stared at the person who had been bothering her.

“Hi.” He smiled at her, green eyes full of innocence. His whisper somehow reached her from two seats away. “I saw that you have been catching N’s streams since last week. Is he your favorite streamer?”

Uzi couldn’t care less about English literature and composition, so like with all of her classes, she opted to sit in the back and fool around on her computer. However, this person had been sparing glances at her since day five, apparently curious about what was on her device. It was now day three of the second week of her first semester of college, which would have been a wonderfully perfect Wednesday if not for the man pestering her.

Then his question registered in her mind.

Is N my favorite streamer?

“Yes.” She said, surprising herself with her own swiftness. He seemed to be in awe. “Nice! I don’t meet a lot of people in real life who watch him, but that’s awesome! How long have you been watching him for?”

As much as she wanted to tell him to shut up so she could go back to N’s stream, she didn’t want any bad blood between herself and her classmates in the second week. So, with a sigh, she recalled, “Uh, more than a month?”

“Oh! You’re kinda new then, huh?” He didn’t seem to be teasing her about it, so she tried not to feel discomforted over the fact that she had not been watching N for as long as his oldest fans. He continued, “I’ve been watching him since freshman year of high school. He changed a little bit, but he’s still so funny and wholesome. He’s one of my favorites, too, because of that.”

“I can imagine.” Uzi replied, unable to picture N as anything except wholesome, funny, sweet, and kind. Part of her believed he was simply born that way.

“Oh, I forgot to introduce myself! My name is Thad. It’s good to officially talk to you!” He stuck a hand out. She stared at it like it killed her grandma, then looked him in the eyes and said, “Uzi. Good talk.”

Then, plugging her earphone back into her ear, she ignored the way his expression faltered as he turned his attention back to the board.

“So, you’re saying that this guy kept staring at you since the end of week one, then finally decided to talk to you… about me?”

“Yeah, weird, right?” Uzi said, focused on steadying her hand as her tiny brush painted her nails black. “Like, this dude wasn’t even secretive or anything about the way he kept looking in my direction. So creepy.”

“Well, maybe he saw you had my stream open, and wanted to talk! I have a lot of fans like that.” N responded, before inquiring, “Wait a minute. Do you still watch me during class??”

Yes, not just in class but all the f*cking time. “No!”

“Uzi! We talked about this!”

“Shut up!” She hissed, “You’re throwing off my concentration.”

He went silent abruptly, and she felt a wave of guilt wash over her. Perhaps she had been too harsh? She had to call his name to get him to speak again.

The words that came out of his mouth were not ones she expected to hear.

“You know…” N started slowly, as though testing the waters, “it could be because… well…”

She wasn’t getting it. “Huh?”

“Maybe… he likes you?”

That definitely threw off her concentration. She sputtered out an incoherent string of curses as the black paint decorated half off her finger. Rushing to clean it off before it dried, she yelled, “Why would you say that?!”

“What??”

Uzi groaned, hastily cleaning her finger off in the sink with water and nail polish remover, before hurrying back to yell into her mic.

“Why would you even say that?!”

“Oh! I mean, it’s not like it’s impossible, right?”

“No, it definitely is impossible. I basically don’t even know this guy.” Uzi said as she frowned at her now naked nail. “Besides, I think you were right about him being a fan. The only thing we discussed was you.”

“Okay, Uzi, whatever you say!” N paused, then voiced, “Do you like him?”

Uzi ignored the sudden surge of rage, and politely said, “N, I’m sorry, but that’s a stupid question. I just said I don’t even know him.”

“Biscuits, ah, yeah. I don’t know why I asked that. Ignore me.”

She resumed painting her one nail, asking, “Yooouuu okay?”

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“You've been asking some strange questions since I started talking about this dude.”

“...I have?”

“Yeah,” she listed off nonchalantly, “like, earlier you asked me how tall he was, and you also asked me if he looked like he could fight. Oh, and you also asked me if I needed you to fly down to wherever I was and when I asked you what for, you answered ‘precaution.’”

“I’m just being silly, but… I’m also concerned about your safety!” He said with an audible pout, “We already had a run-in with struggles on the first day, I don’t want a creepy guy to make the rest of your semester bad!”

She blushed, embarrassed to remember how N had calmed her down from her panic attack even when he barely knew what was happening. The fact that he was being weirdly protective was also making her heart race. Uzi shook her head.

Typical N. Always looking out for me. In a friendly way.

“Alright, fine. I guess that makes sense.”

“By the way, since you painted your nails tonight, does that mean no Drones Online?”

“Yeah, are you okay with watching more Naruto?”

“You don’t even need to ask! I need to know if they will be able to fight off the big sword guy!”

She chuckled, starting up her stream for him to join. His enthusiasm for the show was straight-up adorable, and rewatching it with him was a great way for her to be consumed with sweet, warm nostalgia. It was like the old memories of her watching Naruto while sitting alone in the dark loneliness of her room after yet another awful day at school was being overrun with this newer experience of watching it with him—where she could share all her emotions and reactions directly with him instead of Tumblr or just plain by herself.

This was definitely better than being on old Tumblr. Uzi shuddered; the crazy, obnoxious shipping wars flashed in her mind.

Shaking her head, she continued the episode they left off on, allowing the sounds of anime and an ecstatic N to fill her ears.

“Ugh, finally.” Uzi muttered as the professor finally dismissed the class. Friday approached faster than she anticipated, but she wasn’t one to complain. Two weeks down, sixteen more to go.

As she packed away her items, a familiar man appeared in the corner of her eye. Thad was waiting for her to look up, so with a sigh, she said, “What?”

“I was thinking we could walk out together! You seem to always be in a rush to leave, so—”

“Because I am in a rush to leave, duh.” Uzi slung her bag over her shoulder, bringing her gaze upward to narrow her eyes at him. However, she blinked in astonishment as her attention shifted to something on his head.

A cap, but not just any cap.

It was N’s merchandise.

It was part of his first sale when he started becoming extremely popular. They were limited-edition, low in numbers, which basically made them collectibles.

Uzi couldn’t stop herself from reacting. “Holy sh*t, dude, you have the ‘N 100K Cap’?”

“I do! Isn’t it cool?”

Before she agreed excitedly, she composed herself and replied, “Yeah, I guess. Pretty neat.”

“I know you just started watching him, but have you seen his old gameplay of The Last of Us?”

“Uh, yeah!” Uzi felt her enthusiasm re-building against her will, “I usually play it in the background during boring history homework.”

“Bro, I did too!” Thad proclaimed as they actually ended up leaving the classroom together, “Back in high school. Now I watch his newer gameplays in the background, like Drones Online! Oh! What episode are you on for The Last of Us?”

They delved into conversation on their way to the parking lot, sharing their experiences with watching N’s streams and gameplays. Despite the relative briefness of their interaction, it was the most enjoyable one she has had with anyone from her school. When Uzi eventually returned to her vehicle after saying a curt farewell, she was surprised at how minimally self-conscious she was feeling. She hadn’t talked to any new person face-to-face like that so comfortably before.

She giggled to herself, recalling their discussion was only about their apparent favorite streamer, which made it all-the-more easier to talk about. N just had that effect, she supposed.

Pulling out her phone, she happily messaged him.

darkXwolf17 08/18/2023 1:44 PM

i was able to talk to someone new and actually enjoy it

let’s goooooooooooo

N 08/18/2023 1:44 PM

omg yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

congrats uzi i am so proud of u!!! :D

who??

darkXwolf17 08/18/2023 1:44 PM

thad

u remember me talking about him?

N 08/18/2023 1:45 PM

oooh

nice

yeah i do

looks like he was chill after all

yay

Uzi smiled. N was so honestly supportive of her developments, and although it was still new to her, she couldn’t have asked for a better platonic pillar.

darkXwolf17 08/18/2023 1:45 PM

fr

glad he isn’t a creepy weirdo

so far

N 08/18/2023 1:45 PM

oh?

darkXwolf17 08/18/2023 1:45 PM

yeah lol

he’s actually pretty nice

all we talked about was u tho oop

Uncharacteristically, he took a minute or so before responding.

What he texted made her chest constrict painfully. She exhaled a dumbfounded noise.

N 08/18/2023 1:47 PM

uzi’s first college bf aww!

so cute! :3

And, for some reason, her anger was quickly rising once again. Her fingers were fast as they hit the keyboard with fervor.

darkXwolf17 08/18/2023 1:46 PM

????

huh??

no?

just a potential friend or something idk

i already said i don’t like him

don’t make it weird

likeeeeeeeeee wtf >:(????????

N 08/18/2023 1:46 PM

ahhhhhhh

i’m sorrryyy

like really sorry uzi

i was just teasing!

but i won’t anymore if it actually upsets u 🥺

Uzi relaxed, albeit still unsure how to feel. She wasn’t sure why she was getting upset in the first place. N typically teased her about many things, but him teasing her about liking some random cool dude was… vexing.

Extremely.

She tried not to think too hard about it.

After this moment, he didn’t tease her about liking Thad again.

With the third week already beginning, Uzi was mildly skeptical with how easy it was to find her rhythm. Every week were the same five classes, which were either one or one-and-a-half hours depending on the day. Having a subject repeat every other day instead of every day was amazing, and it did wonders in the prevention of her death out of boredom from repetition. Since she chose the times of her classes, arriving at school at a time that wasn’t on or before eight in the morning was magical.

The only thing that frustrated her was the homework, which felt more like meaningless busywork. And despite it only being two weeks in, she had done at least fifteen useless assignments in total. Endless discussion posts on chapters she barely skimmed, worthless replies to arguments she couldn’t care less about, extensive chapters of math textbook problems with the answers already in the back, and it went on!

And why in the world do I need to care about worms? Uzi huffed, thinking back to today’s biology lecture. They're literally just worms—they can die, I don’t care!

Her group didn’t seem very promising, either. She groaned, wondering if this was a doomed project from the get-go.

Abruptly, the Discord notification sound played in her ears.

N 08/21/2023 9:02 PM

uziiiiii?

darkXwolf17 08/21/2023 9:02 PM

yo

N 08/21/2023 9:02 PM

i just got done streaming

can we play? or watch naruto 🥺

darkXwolf17 08/21/2023 9:03 PM

oof sorry

doing stupid hw

it’s long and stupid and due this week

N 08/21/2023 9:03 PM

aaawwwwwwww

:((((((

well

i could play if u just wanna watch in the background

darkXwolf17 08/21/2023 9:03 PM

uhhh ok sure

Right after her confirmation, he called her on Discord. Once she accepted it, N greeted her joyfully, “Heyyy! How was school?”

“Oh, God, you sound like my Dad.” Uzi snorted, “Okay, I guess? Like I said, just doing dumb homework.”

“No worries!”

“What quests were you gonna do tonight?”

“I was actually gonna play a different game. I haven’t touched my other games in a while ever since Drones Online dropped a couple months ago…”

Uzi nodded, remembering the neglected games sitting on her desktop. “Oof, I feel that. What are you gonna play?”

“Hmm. I don’t know! I have a lot, but usually Riot and sometimes Valve have me in a violent chokehold even when I have other games. Though, I’m trying not to tilt tonight.”

She chuckled. “I can’t imagine you tilting, but it is Riot, so I get it.”

“That’s why I don’t stream it anymore! Not pretty.”

Uzi made a mental note to look up later what he was talking about. Old videos of his League of Legends or Valorant gameplay must be up somewhere.

“Maybe Party Animals?”

“Oooh, you have Party Animals?”

“Sure do! Who’s your fave?”

“Er… Don’t laugh,” she flushed, “but, um, it’s Hachi.”

“Really? I thought it would be Levi or something. Maybe even Moonmoon! I don’t know why, but your spirit animal seems like some sort of bird to me.”

“...I like his outfits.” She sank lower into her chair. “They’re… cool.”

“Ohhh, yeah! The Japanese ones. I agree!” He laughed, realizing, “I see why now. It’s because you love anime, and you speak Japanese, right?”

She jolted with the panic that shot through her, her attention tearing away from her assignment.

“What the—H-How did you know that?!”

He sounded worried. “Biscuits, sorry, did I scare you? I didn’t mean to! I figured it out after that one time you forgot to turn the subtitles on and didn’t notice until I said something. So… I guessed it was because you didn’t need the subtitles…”

“Oh…” Uzi sighed in relief; her online friend hadn’t betrayed her trust and doxxed her, after all. “Also, I don’t really speak it. I just know a good amount.”

“That’s awesome! How did you learn it??”

“My—” Her breath caught in her throat.

Could she really disclose this to him?

It wasn’t anything that could risk her identity, but…

It felt… intimate. She had never talked to anyone about her mother before. She could barely even mention her name.

“Oh, shoot, was that—? Ah, sorry, Uzi! I didn’t realize it was personal. You don’t need to—”

“My mom.”

He didn’t say anything further, so she spoke instead.

“She was Japanese. My dad isn’t. So, yeah, I’m—uh, I’m half.”

“Oh,” she could tell he was trying not to bring up the elephant in the room because of her choice of phrasing. Instead, he remarked, “that’s really neat! You need to teach me a few words, sometime!”

“What?” Uzi flushed again, “I can’t do that, I barely get the pronunciations right!”

“Aw, pleaaaaassseee??”

She let out a long, hesitant “mmmmmm” sound, then exhaled in defeat.

“Okay, maybe… another time. Maybe.”

“That’s better than a ‘no!’ I’ll take it!”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t hold me to it. Can you just stream now? I gotta finish this assignment, dude.”

“I gotcha.” N started the game up; the familiar adorable, cuddly mascot appeared on screen. Uzi tried to not let the vibrant graphics of the game distract her as she completed her homework. It was a simple coding assignment that was meant to gauge their skill levels, based around conciseness and functionality. The professor said that students that excelled in the class would be depended on as tutors, and perhaps even representatives at recruitment events.

She blanched. Two things she didn’t want: people bothering her because she was smart, and being social at networking functions.

The goal of the task was simple enough, and Uzi could easily execute it with just a few statements, but...

With a wicked grin, she decided to write out the longest, most complicated way of executing the goal. That would surely avoid a tragic fate of being the teacher’s pet.

As she began to type, N asked her, “Why are you laughing evilly again?”

Uzi paused, realizing she had been cackling. She pouted, “No reason… Bite me! Anyway, focus on your game; you’re kinda the only pair without points.”

“We’re working on it!” He defended while his golden retriever character threw a few punches, knocking one opponent out of the ring. “Look, the power of friendship! We’re about to win!”

Momentarily distracted by the close game, she warned, “The black hole is forming, you gotta hold onto something!”

“I know!” N let out a small cry as his character was knocked out, “No!!”

“Oh, no!” Uzi snorted as N was now making panicked noises, desperately trying to wake up before the black hole sucked his character into the depths. She chuckled as he groaned, unable to save himself in time. She said hurriedly, “Hey, wait! Your partner is still alive!”

“What? OH! Yeah, get him!” N cheered. His praises only grew in volume when he and his partner won the round. Uzi snickered, then shifted her focus back to her assignment. She thought that having someone actively play in the background of her schoolwork would be too disturbing, but surprisingly, it wasn’t as bad as she thought. She tried not to reason that it was probably because she was now completely used to having N in the background of anything she did that it was just second-nature at this point.

As he won and lost a few matches, she finished up her homework and closed the few sources she had pulled up on different tabs. Although this was due on Friday, she didn’t see any reason to hesitate submitting it now. Sighing in relief as the confetti exploded on her screen, she leaned back in her chair and stretched, letting out an audible noise of pleasure.

Then, her eyes burst open.

“Holy sh*t, was I unmuted?”

“...No—”

“Do not lie to me.”

“...I plead the fifth.”

“N!” She shrieked, mortification consuming her as she buried her burning face into her hands. That is SO freaking embarrassing!

“Don’t freak out, Uzi! Totally normal when you stretch!” He said reassuringly, until he asked timidly, “Um, you, er, y-you were stretching, right?”

“YES, I was stretching!” Red-faced, Uzi loudly declared, “Oh, my God. Don’t even think I was doing anything else!”

“Nope! Not thinking of anything else! It was just stretching!”

“Good!”

“I can do it, too, if that’ll also make you feel better!”

“Uh—What?!”

Suddenly, the creaking of his chair was audible as he emitted the most ridiculous, overdramatic noise of supposedly “pleasure” that she had ever heard in her life. Her face cooled down as she burst out laughing.

“N, what the hell was that?!”

He was clearly trolling her, but he still playfully argued, “I stretched!”

In between breaths of laughter, she accused, “No, you did not! You died, or something!”

N started laughing with her. “Okay, you’re right. I have no idea what that sound was. I didn’t know I could even make that noise.”

“You’re so silly…”

“Thank you, I get that a lot.”

“Also,” she cleared her throat, laughter subsiding, “I finished my homework. Naruto or Party Animals?”

“Oooof, that’s a hard decision.”

She firmly asserted, “Actually, I made up my mind. We’re playing Party Animals, because I have been watching you all night, and now I want to play it.”

“Sounds good to me! I was okay with anything, to be honest.”

“I’m starting to realize that.”

While she started up her game, she briefly wondered if there were other games they would get to play together. Drones Online is where they started, but it seemed like it wasn’t where they would stop. Following this train of thought, she questioned if this was violating her rule to not change the way they are.

Nah, I mean, we’re still just gaming. Just two gamer buddies, even if we play different games!

Uzi nodded, satisfied with her own answer.

“By the way, don’t think I didn’t notice what time it is. I know you have class tomorrow morning, so we are sleeping by twelve.”

“Damn it.”

Chapter 10: the closest person is the farthest away

Chapter Text

She couldn’t believe it, but it was almost September.

She checked her calendar, then her to-do list, making sure that her assignments were all finished and that she wasn’t missing anything before the start of a new school week. Homework being due on Monday was rare, but it didn’t stop her from checking. Homework was also a pain in the ass that took up basically all of her time since the first day, but today was the first time in a while that she actually had time to play Drones Online and hop on N’s stream.

Speaking of which…

“Hellooo, darkXwolf17, you theereee?”

At N’s call, she tabbed back into her game. His character was pushing into her in a perpetual running animation as her character was slowly moved across the ground.

[darkXwolf17]: here

“Yay! So, chat told me what to do.” N said as he circled her stationary avatar. “You have to initiate a ‘hunt,’ then at the final attack, you have to hit the QTE, then you get to eat!”

Uzi raised an eyebrow, typing in response.

[darkXwolf17]: you want me to go hunt down and eat a rando?

N stared at the camera, bewildered, then joyfully announced, “You can just eat me!”

At his statement, the chat exploded with disbelief, innuendos, and shippers, then hundreds of clips followed suit. At this point, the shipping was ridiculous, and apparently his viewers missed her presence ever since she started college, but she could only laugh at how entertaining they were. N was currently trying to defend himself from their claims, which only made her laugh more.

[darkXwolf17]: what abt ur items??

“Just keep them for me! I’ll come back for them.”

He ended their party together, then was about to send her a trade request, until he got distracted by the subs and donations from his audience. She felt pretty uncomfortable, however, about purposefully killing her gamer buddy and then eating him. So, when he was busy talking to his viewers, she turned and started running the other way.

After a few seconds, she heard him on his stream, shocked, “darkXwolf17, wait!”

She knew he had tracking abilities, as well as his wings, so he would catch up in no time. Thinking fast, she used a skill to wipe the footprints out from behind her, then crouched behind a large boulder.

“darkXwolf17, where are you~?” N called in a sing-songy voice, “You can’t escape from me. Just let me get eaten by you!”

No, no, no. Uzi felt her heart rate spike as she heard his wings flap nearby. On his screen, he was circling around the snowy forest area she was hiding in. She squeaked anxiously, even if he couldn’t hear her, “Just leave me alone! I don’t want to eat you!”

“Come out, come out, wherever you are!”

Uzi was shaking, but she desperately made herself as undetectable as possible. Seeing that N had flown farther away from her, she made a quick escape in the opposite direction that he was moving in.

Bad decision.

He was suddenly on her trail, and she realized that he had taken that route to lure her out. She gasped, hearing his insane giggling as he soared toward her—and fast.

She thought all was over, until the indicator popped up on her screen.

[Hunt]

But it wasn’t for N.

Someone else was nearby.

Without hesitation, Uzi immediately threw herself into hunting mode; her screen suddenly brimmed with glaring, neon yellow codes and an eerie darkness. Her character changed into something disturbing, with flickering eyelights and a slumped form. Then, it automatically began to sprint toward the target, nearly as fast as N was flying toward her.

“She’s moving so fast! What the heck?!”

Uzi grinned creepily, her smile matching the unsettling smirk of her character.

“If I can kill this person fast enough, I don’t have to eat N! Hehehehe…!”

It wasn’t long until she saw her target, who was casually strolling through the snowy path without a care.

It was someone of the Worker Drone class.

These players were more of gatherers and traders, almost like NPCs, but had the ability to build their own guilds and businesses within cities. They directed classes like Disassembly Drones and Absolute Solvers since they barely held any destructive powers of their own, yet the power they held was in monetary value and utility. People desired them for their skills in crafting high-leveled gear, scouting rare items and resources, and creating large and beautiful bases.

None of those things mattered to Uzi, however.

This person was the perfect target to murder.

Proximity chat was on, and she heard the man go, “Wow, what a peaceful time to go scavenging for loot!”

Uzi chuckled sinisterly. This poor guy.

In a split second, a quick-time event appeared on her screen, and without missing a beat, she finished it. The target was then trapped in the snow, rooted in place by the surrounding wires. He shrieked at her approaching figure. “Noo! Please spare me!”

N was shouting from afar, his voice echoing as he barely made it within the range for the proximity chat.

“darkXwolf17, don’t do it!” N pleaded, “Eat me instead!”

“Damn it, N, I am not eating you!” She huffed as her character pounced on its target, its hands tearing into the robotic flesh of the player. Uzi guffawed as the exaggerated screams of the Worker Drone filled the silent night sky, her character finally having its fill. In just a few moments, the player’s avatar officially died, and she saw the combat meter on her screen disappear and her experience bar go up. There was a spooky sound cue as her avatar transformed into a more grotesque form, taking a similar shape to a Disassembly Drone. Warped, gray, organic wings sprouted from her upper back, and a strange-looking tail snaked its way out from her lower back. It even snapped at her, as though not recognizing its own owner.

Uzi furrowed her eyebrows. She did her best not to spoil herself, but this was not what she was expecting when she heard “individual upgrades.” However, it was still cool, nonetheless. She supposed eating a person wouldn’t provide the prettiest appearance alterations, and this metamorphosis was really making her feel like a monster.

She shrugged, pleased. This is a valid reflection on my actions. At least I can fly now! Nice!!

“darkXwolf17, why?! Why did you do it?!” N cried out as he finally landed next to her, using one of his emotes to make his character gesture melodramatically, “Why didn’t you just eat me, instead?!”

Uzi was about to start yelling at this silly man, but keeping her voice far away from his viewers, she harrumphed and typed to him quickly.

[darkXwolf17]: shut up you weirdo!

[darkXwolf17]: i didn’t want to

[darkXwolf17]: god

Not only was it hilarious to them, his chat apparently also found that as prime shipping material, and many of them were promptly freaking out about how “cute” and “soft” she was. Uzi rolled her eyes; these people really haven’t learned anything about her.

[darkXwolf17]: you too chat shut up

[darkXwolf17]: if my duo drops in exp he becomes more useless

[darkXwolf17]: and i don’t wanna carry his stuff around while i look for his respawn point

Chat wasn’t convinced, however. His audience began to spam the text “TSUNDERE WOLF,” accompanied with ridiculous emojis. She groaned, and her face began to burn, much to her displeasure.

N wasn’t paying attention to anything, however. He was still crying about her not eating him.

She slapped her forehead, despite the amused grin appearing on her visage. God, how the hell did I get stuck with him as my gamer buddy?

“What?!”

“What?”

“You—” Uzi gesticulated with incredulity, “You just said I’m gonna be your pet!”

“Okay, first of all, I did not say that.” Her professor wagged his finger, “I said you did a wonderful job on the assignment, so I’m making you one of the Cool Coders! You get the opportunity to help other students, as well as attend neat networking events to get you into the field. It’s very competitive out there, so this will definitely—”

“Hold up! How did I do a wonderful job?? I did terrible!”

“On purpose, right?”

Uzi opened her mouth to retort, but shut it up just as fast. He chuckled, “I could tell. It was too long and specific to have been a flunk. Plus, it worked without any errors, which is amazing! You have talent, for sure. You should nurture it.”

She stuttered, barely holding back her vicious tongue, wondering if shouting insults at her professor one month into the school year for catching her ploy was worth it.

“Anywho! I gotta get going—meetings and all that. Have a good day, Cool Coder!”

She watched him leave the classroom that had now become a ghost town, with her as the dumbfounded ghost. Uzi picked her jaw up from the floor and grunted to herself, annoyed to all hell.

“Cool Coder,” my ass! Uzi stomped her way to the cafeteria, her grumbly stomach interrupting her malicious thoughts.

As she sat down with a tray of food, her phone began to ding with text notifications.

It was her biology group. Uzi groaned, reading the messages. The person in charge of the microscopic worms today said she couldn’t make it, but luckily, the other person volunteered to check them instead. Uzi sighed with relief, but a frown still made its way to her face.

Her biology group only consisted of her, Person A, and Person B, and they were unnamed because she couldn’t bother to address them by their names. Person B constantly called out of their duties, making up some excuse as to why she couldn’t do her part in taking care of the worms. Person A would usually cover for Person B, and Uzi wondered if it was because the two of them were buddies from high school.

Uzi grimaced. She wasn’t excited for their midpoint lab report, nor the presentation that accompanied it. Her group wasn’t looking very good with organization and work distribution, and she dreaded what that may entail for the future.

Ugh, God, f*cking Mondays… I just have to make it through the semester, and then I will never have to touch worms again… Uzi tiredly combed through her hair, fixing her beanie back onto her head, This is why I’m never getting into biology. The hell is a C. elegans, anyway? And why are they so damn needy? Stupid worm…

When the lunch period was over, she made her way to her afternoon class, sending messages to N on the way. His responses to her made her feel significantly better, so her steps weren’t as heavy and angry.

She settled into her seat, and the lecture began just a few minutes after. The professor was droning on, doing her best to engage her students, but Uzi had a back-of-the-classroom mentality, which meant she possessed no obligation to pay attention. She rested her chin on her palm, absent-mindedly doodling away on her notes. Her brain was now thinking about other things, as it usually did, and now it was once again comparing the differences between high school and college.

Being a month into college, she realized that drama was way, way different than in high school. The people around her genuinely did not care enough to stir drama, since everyone was too busy adult-ing and trying not to fail their classes. Whenever there was some sort of drama, it never resulted in the type of bullying and harassment Uzi was used to. No, it was just conflicts between people that sorted itself out, or maybe it was never sorted out, and the people involved just chose to ignore the other party. However, word would get around, sometimes. Thad was especially useful in situations like this, so to Uzi, he was basically her college drama broker.

And so, when it did get around to her, Uzi would tell what she knew to N. Since it was much easier to explain the intricacies of college drama over voice chat, they would call each other in bed. Slowly, it seemed like calling each other at night took precedence over texting each other.

Such as last night.

Uzi was telling him about the latest hot gossip pertaining to a cheerleader and two jocks, surprising herself with how fun it was to talk about with him. “So then, like, he found them in his dorm—”

He had gasped then, saying, “Nooo!”

And she had replied right after with a, “Right?!”

And deciding to be on a voice call with him instead of just texting at night was definitely not because Uzi liked the sound of his voice next to her ear.

Definitely.

And so, with N virtually by her side every day, she was able to make it through yet another week of school without any major incidents.

If only she had been able to make it at least two weeks.

darkXwolf17 09/06/2023 9:25 AM

ughh

hungry

N 09/06/2023 9:25 AM

:o

u didn’t eat breakfast??

darkXwolf17 09/06/2023 9:26 AM

rushed out this morning

so no

rip

N 09/06/2023 9:26 AM

uziiiiiii

breakfast is the most importnt meal of the dya!

improtant* day*

important***** ACK my spelling

Uzi giggled quietly to herself, momentarily distracted from her hunger. She messaged him back, completely zoning out of the professor’s lecture—not that they cared, or even noticed. She heard her stomach grumble softly, however, which made her frown.

This would be a long morning class…

It felt like forever, but when lunchtime hit, the scattering of students shocked Uzi out of her hunger-induced daze. She stood up immediately, but felt a wave of dizziness hit her as she packed away her items. If she were in a video game, she would be losing health points by now, one by one, feeling every inch of her life draining without food in her stomach.

Dragging herself to the cafeteria, she barely registered the people filtering in and out of the buildings all around her. Once she made it, she was half-dead on her feet, and even waiting in line was a blur. Her consciousness didn’t restart again until the aroma of salted meats and cooked vegetables hit her nose. Resisting the urge to drool, she could barely keep in a happy noise as she dashed away from the cafeteria after gathering a variety of foods on her tray.

She picked out her usual secluded spot outside the cafeteria building, then dug in instantly. The warmth and deliciousness of lunch was severely missed these last few hours, so she couldn’t exactly stop herself from scarfing down like it was the last meal on Earth.

“Whoa, Uzi!” A familiar voice called nearby, causing her to look up. Thad had his own tray in his hand, and having just exited out of the building, he spotted the purple-haired woman almost immediately. She was kinda hard to miss, despite her petite height. “Slow down! That’s not going anywhere!”

“Bah merh!” Uzi swallowed quickly as he sent her a questioning look. “Bite me! I’m starving, okay?”

“Fair.” He chuckled, then wandered over to where she was seated. “You mind if I sit with you?”

She gave him a suspicious look, but nonetheless permitted him.

Although she and Thad didn’t share every class together, they saw each other often. Outside of classes, he would tend to run into her during lunchtime. Their conversations usually consisted of games, YouTubers, streamers like N, hot gossip, and sometimes classes. In the classes they did share, he would sit in the back of the room near her and sometimes comment on N’s stream that she would be watching. It was a miracle he hadn’t seen her user ID yet, but there was a decent chance he was slightly dense.

Although he tried to add her on some platforms, he watched N on the regular, which meant he definitely was aware of “darkXwolf17.” It’s safe to say that she declined every attempt, claiming that she barely played often enough to actually hand it over to him.

Uzi found she was soon finding a decent acquaintance in Thad, and that he wasn’t terrible to hang with and talk to. At least it made her feel less alone on this huge, expansive campus filled with a myriad of students that already had their own cliques and groups.

He sat down across from her, but instead of eating right away, he stared at her. Regret started to accumulate in her being, and it rolled off of her as skepticism.

Feeling self-conscious about her messy eating, she slowed down. “What are you looking at?”

“...Uh,” Thad looked sheepish, “sorry, it’s been a while since we met, but I still can’t tell… I mean, like… they just look so real!”

She had a bad feeling about this. “What does?”

“Your, um… Your eyes?” Thad co*cked his head, as if the angle would give him a clearer image. “Are they actually purple? Or… are they contacts?”

“My—” Uzi froze, her breath lodging in her throat, while horrible memories that were buried deep inside were now clawing out of the abyss. She felt her breath suddenly quicken, but tried to not let the feeling take over.

N’s voice from before echoed in the murkiness of her mind. He had said this several days ago, moments before she spiraled into another panic attack. “Breathing helps, right? So just breathe, and think of nothing else!”

It helped then. But without him actually in her ear, they were just words.

It was easy to say.

Yet…

It was so difficult to do.

Especially when her head was starting to feel faint again, and this time, not from hunger. Her appetite disappeared almost instantaneously.

Wobbly, she rose from the table, ignoring the way Thad observed her with surprise.

“H-Hey, where are you going?” He called after her as she stumbled away, deeper into the garden of the campus. “What about your food?”

She didn’t hear him. The echoes of her past were too loud.

The rest of her day was a blur.

Thad had attempted to make peace, but she pointedly ignored him or unconsciously sent a glare his way. When he pushed her for a reason at the end of the day, she said a simple “it’s fine,” which made him leave her alone.

Part of her was surprisingly feeling guilty over the ordeal, but she couldn’t bring herself to just feel better. She was… incapable.

As the day continued, she had N’s stream playing on her television as she cleaned around her small apartment. Any homework she had due soon was already finished, but she still felt like doing something, so she set off to cleaning. Her mind was buzzing, and N’s cheerful voice was filling the silence of her living space, but she felt very far away from her body.

She didn’t realize his stream had ended until the Discord ringtone was resounding within her walls. Her phone’s screen was lit up, and N’s Discord profile picture was on the front.

By the time N called her, Uzi had finished cleaning, she was done eating, she had showered, and now she was just laying in bed, staring up at her ceiling.

She picked up her phone and answered.

“Hi Uzi! I haven’t heard from you allll day! I would have called sooner after I was done streaming today, but I was preoccupied with my roommates.” N told her immediately, sounding pouty, “Was it really busy for you today?”

Him talking directly to her was stirring her consciousness, pulling her back to herself. She closed her eyes and replied, “Uh, I guess? Sorry, kinda out of it.”

“...Oh!” There was rustling on his end, like he was getting into bed. “You okay? You wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did something bad happen?”

“Not really.” Uzi pursed her lips, then slowly confessed, “I just… Thad said something, and it… brought up bad memories.”

“...He did?” She wasn’t sure if she was hearing correctly, but his voice seemed to have pitched itself a little lower. If anything, it sounded like he was mad, but N never gets mad, so she may be exaggerating his change in tone.

She responded, “Uh, yeah, I mean… I don’t think he meant to. He just asked me a question. But it got me thinking about stuff.”

“...What kinda stuff?”

“Stupid stuff. Stuff that doesn’t matter anymore.” Uzi opened her eyes, the darkness of her room filled with the visions of her past. “But, a long time ago, it made me realize that humans… suck! They f*cking suck so bad and—and I’m gonna make sure I make really good f*cking AI that will replace humanity because we suck and ruin everything.”

“...Uzi…”

She gritted her teeth, withholding her tears. “I know. It’s a stupid goal. And evil. So, maybe you were onto something. Maybe I’m just an evil, terrible person.”

“Uzi, I said that jokingly. And also… affectionately. I think your evil giggles are, um, cute!” N said quickly, barely giving Uzi time to realize what he was saying. “And it’s not a stupid goal, a little misguided, but not evil. I don’t think AI can ever replace humans—not creatively, at least. But maybe there are some things humans need help with, even with AI. Maybe you’ll help people more than you think you will.”

Uzi rolled her eyes. “I doubt it. Stop trying to complicate my plans. I’ve never been good at helping people. Not then and not now.”

“Aw,” N’s voice dwindled into something soft and endearing and tender, “I know you don’t like to talk about the bad stuff that happened to you, but I’ll hear you out if you need to vent. It seems like it still bothers you, even now. People have their ways of coping, but you’re… you’re not alone, you know?”

She scoffed. “Venting is so stupid and useless, though.”

“If it makes you feel better, what’s so stupid and useless about that?”

Uzi quieted, her brain processing his words.

She hadn’t vented since she had a therapist, right after her mother passed.

They were required counseling sessions meant for her to process her grief in a healthy way, but with everything else that piled on top of it, it barely helped her at all. If she had been a little more open, trusting, and vulnerable, maybe it would have changed something about her.

But being open, trusting, and vulnerable hurt her.

She never wanted to be hurt again. Rage protected her and validated her, and the loneliness made sure no one would be in control of her emotions ever again.

But N would never hurt me. Not intentionally. Right?

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Start wherever you want to. And whenever you want to.” N said comfortingly, and she slackened at his words. “I’ll wait.”

“Your eyes are pretty, are they real?”

“Whoa! Purple eyes are super rare! That’s so cool!”

That’s how it started.

Uzi didn’t tell him the color of her eyes, but she told him they were rare.

As a child, she loved her eyes. Her mother had the same as her.

“Why? Hmm, I don’t know! Genes or something. Mutations even! Or maybe we’re just special like that.” And her mother would laugh, and the soft curls of her violet hair would spill over her shoulder and tickle her face. Uzi loved it when it did, but she couldn’t tell him that her mother’s hair and her own was the color purple, and especially not the reason why. “But you won’t start sprouting purple hair. I do that myself. Maybe you can when you’re a little more grown.”

There was a push and pull within her. She was spilling her heart but also keeping it locked—there were things he could know and not know. The things that identified her were kept secret, but the memories of her past were still escaping her lips, filtered and tailored to his ears.

With a weary sigh, she continued.

Because things had changed… when she died.

“I hear she’s actually a witch, and she cursed her mom! That’s how she died.”

“What if she’s actually a vampire? And she murdered her!”

“Her black hair makes her look like a ghost, so maybe she’s actually undead?”

“Whatever she is, she’s weird and creepy, and her freaky eyes are so scary to look at…”

“Yeah.”

“I agree.”

“Me too.”

The rumors began far from her, until they surrounded her.

And she couldn’t escape.

“Don’t look, she’s right there.”

“Oh, sh*t. What do we do? Should we run?”

“Just pretend she’s not there.”

“Ugh, why does she have to be near us?”

And so she retaliated.

“Uzi, you know why you’ve been called in?”

“Uzi, you can’t just yell at other kids and insult people!”

“Uzi, we know you started the fight, so you may as well admit it. It will save you from a worse punishment.”

And she kept retaliating.

And her anger only grew.

“Uzi, you don’t have to pay attention to the things children make up.”

“Uzi, why did you completely mess up their assignment?”

“Uzi, how could you do those things to those kids? They were just messing around!”

And grew.

Until it was all she ever knew.

“Uzi, you should make some friends! That will help.”

“Uzi, she wasn’t even trying to bother you.”

“Uzi, smile more; lighten up already!”

And when her father stepped up too late, she was already as distant as she could be.

They tried to save what little of their relationship they had left, but it was damaged to its core. She could speak to him, she could tell him about her day, but she didn’t feel the father-daughter bond a part of her wished they had.

It was like reaching out and opening up to this man she knew her entire life was unknown to her.

She forgot what genuine companionship was, what trust was, what love was—

“Uzi…”

—and then it appeared in the form of a young man with fluffy, swept blond-silver hair and round golden-brown eyes.

“That’s… awful. I’m sorry.”

“For what? I already moved cities right before graduation, it’s behind me.”

That’s what she claimed, but it seemed it would always chase after her.

“...I don’t know. Not being there?”

She snorted. “As if you chose that, but you didn’t.”

“Even so, I wouldn’t have. I wish I was there, Uzi. For you.”

Yet, N’s presence seemed to dissipate their pursuit.

“I…” she felt her eyes sting once more with unshed tears, so turning onto her side, she finished lamely, “I appreciate that. Thanks.”

Perhaps that wasn’t the smartest move. Now they were rolling down, threatening to wet her pillow.

Stupid tears.

“Of course.” He paused, then said, “What are friends for?”

“Are we really friends, though? You say that a lot, but, like… I don’t know, are we really?” Uzi asked with a half-watery voice, risking her dignity by showing her inexperience with friendships. She hated the way her heart was pounding. Her mind was repeating her rule over and over again in her head, to keep her distance, to not grow any closer than they already were, but before she knew it, it had crumbled into ruin. “Are we not just two people who play games together?”

“...And watch Naruto?”

“And… that.”

“And YouTube, and Twitch, and hang around on Discord, and also talk a lot about other stuff…”

She bit her cheek.

“...Damn, I guess those things, too.”

“Uzi, I have always thought of you as my friend. Not just someone I game with, and not just a person I hang out with online. I care a lot…” Clearing his throat, he added on, “about you.”

Against her will, a smile started to bloom in her face. Hearing him say it straightforwardly was doing weird things to her stomach. “Really?”

“Uh, yeah! I want to say ‘obviously’ because I thought I was—Anyway, yes! Obviously! You don’t feel the same?”

She hummed, feeling somewhat cheeky.

“No, I think of you more as, like, a lost puppy.”

“Ouch! My pride! After everything!”

“I’m kidding, dude. God…” Uzi’s entire being warmed. She wasn’t sure why them being so, of course, platonic and non-romantical (and did she mention without romantic love?) was making her feel nervous, hot, and sweaty. “I think of you as my friend, too. And, er, not just as online friends or gamer buddies or… whatever. Bite me! Ack!”

Mentally, she included, Probably the best one I could have ever gotten.

He must be a mind-reader, because he ended up gushing.

“Aaaaawwwww, Uziiiii!!”

“Oh, sh*t—”

“You’re soooooo—”

“Please, stop.”

“Sweeeeeet!”

“N, damn it—!”

“And sooooft!”

“N, come on, I am dying over here.” Uzi pleaded, her face buried in her hands. She didn’t think it was physically possible, but she was somehow even hotter than before. Her embarrassment must be pushing its limit tonight. “You want me to die, N? You want my blood on your hands?”

“Aw, okay! Just because I don’t want you to die, I’ll stop.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

“For now. And in front of you.”

“N, PLEASE.”

She must be rubbing off on him, because he started cackling. Since it was N, it was barely evil-sounding, but the intent was there. He was trying to make her suffer.

With adoration.

“You will always feel the might of my compliments!”

“I’m deeply regretting admitting to this so-called ‘friendship’ already.”

“You should have realized sooner that we were bound together by the ties of friendship!” He said ‘evilly’ and in a very ‘mwuahaha’ voice, “But it’s too late! We have been friends for too long, and you can’t back out now!”

“I need a lawyer. That’s what I need.”

“You never noticed, but I have! The essence of our friendship has slowly corroded you, changing you into… a better person! Mwuahahaha!”

“Police? Yeah, that’s the guy. He forced me to be friends with him, I had no say.”

“You can’t bring mere police into this, I’m powered by friendship!”

“Since when does friendship—” Uzi bit her tongue. As an avid Naruto watcher, her instincts were instructing her to not finish her sentence. N chuckled, as he had also become an avid Naruto watcher, and knew exactly what she was going to say.

“Friendship powers everything!”

“How the hell did you know what I was gonna ask? Wait, hold on—”

“Why, Uzi—”

“Goddamnit!”

“—with the power of friendship!”

She let out a small screech. I walked right into that one! Seriously?!

He burst out laughing, prompting her to join him. She couldn’t explain it, and she couldn’t be entirely sure since she never had friends herself, but there was something about their friendship that seemed… different, deeper. Unusual, but in a good way.

She always looked forward to hanging out with him. She was always happier talking to him. Seeing him smile made her heart flutter and her stomach flip.

Maybe N is just that good of a friend, if I’m really that excited to be with him all the time. And… he always makes me happy.

Uzi blinked.

…That’s what a really good friend feels like, right…?

N yawned, waking up gradually. He felt something flat and hard against his face, so with bleary eyes, he checked what was pressing on his cheek.

It was his phone.

And as he silently tried to recall how he fell asleep last night, he realized there were noises on the other end.

Soft snores.

Uzi was still asleep, and so soundly, too.

N nearly melted on the spot, but he held himself together for the sake of this rare and precious moment. This was the first time they had fallen asleep together on their voicecall, since she always diligently hung up before they knocked out. But with her falling asleep… it must have meant something! His heart constricted, and he clutched at his chest with a pained, happy expression. She was probably the most adorable creature he has ever had the pleasure of knowing, and that was saying a lot, since dogs also existed in the same timeline.

It was also the best birthday gift he could have asked for.

As N relaxed in the comfort of his bed and with the quiet sounds of her repose, he reflected on everything she revealed to him last night. Her past with being bullied, ignored, and hated, that her mother had already passed, that she considered her father as absent until recently, and that she didn’t really have any friends. Thinking about her, he was melancholic about being unable to conjure an image of her in his brain. He couldn’t help but wonder what the color of her eyes were.

He felt his chest swell with sympathy and admiration. Uzi had gone through so much, but she was still headstrong, stubborn, and independent. He couldn’t help but admire her—she grew beyond her traumas; even if they hindered her sometimes, she kept going forward and doing what she wanted to do. Her goal was a little twisted, but he knew she would come around.

N smiled, but it was laced with a bittersweet sadness. He wished he had half the steely resolve Uzi had. She truly was an amazing person.

Which is why he thanked every being above for this grand, majestic blessing on the day of his birth. To hear her sleep peacefully—her trust in him showing not only through her words, but with her actions.

Unfortunately, all good things came to an end.

Soon enough (and too soon, in his opinion), she woke up with a start, and swiftly realized that she fell asleep on their call. Uzi was furious, though obviously directed at nobody, and she was especially embarrassed, if her stuttering and cursing and incoherent sputtering was anything to go by. N only chuckled, teasing her in a way that he probably shouldn’t have, which only heightened her very unstable emotions.

And then she calmed with the mention of his birthday, which he happily announced when he remarked that her snores were the “best gift he could have gotten.” Although she was still clearly humiliated, she confusedly wished him a “happy birthday,” and then indignantly questioned why he didn’t tell her sooner, since she didn’t have time to prepare a gift. N thought that was pretty funny; besides the fact that she didn’t know his address, she also wouldn’t have known what to get him.

Though, he wished that he did tell her, because then he would have been in for a surprise. And he knew he would have loved it regardless.

“Well, since you couldn’t send me a gift, how abooouuut…” N grinned cheekily up at the ceiling, “you tell me when your birthday is?”

“Huh?? You want that as your gift?”

“What’s better than the gift of knowledge?”

“Literally anything?”

“Pleaseee? For my birthday?”

She let out a long exhale, then audibly scowled. “Ugh… God, fine. It’s…”

At her reveal, his smile stretched wider. It’s soon! In early October!

“And what exactly are you gonna do, anyway, with this knowledge?”

“...I don’t know yet! But you’ll see, hehehe…” N paused as the gears turned in his mind, then inhaled deeply. He needed this next bit of information to really be able to celebrate her birthday. “Um… also…”

“What now?”

“Uhhhh, well, you see,” N tapped his fingers together, a nervous habit he still hadn’t grown out of, “I would like to send you stuff. But, er, well, I don’t have… you know…”

Luckily, she seemed to have caught his drift.

“...You want my address?”

“...Yes, please.”

There was deafening silence.

It was so heavy, he felt it crushing him against his bed. What had been such a soothing and light-hearted ambience was now a tense, anxiety-filled suspense.

And then she spoke.

“Fine.”

“Wha—Really?!” He nearly jumped out of his blanket in excitement. She hastily followed up with, “Yes, but… N…”

At her solemn voice, he composed himself, devoting his full attention to her.

“This doesn’t give you permission to visit me. I… I only want the gifts that you badly want to send to me, or whatever. So don’t pop up unexpectedly or something.”

“Uzi…” N sat up on his bed, his heart aching at her very vulnerable voice. Whether she realized it or not, he knew this was taking a lot out of her to provide this information to him. He said tenderly, “I would never. I promise. Cross my heart.”

“Okay…” she sighed, and part of him wished he never asked because of how weary it was making her. He wanted desperately to just hug her tight until she was feeling happy again.

She said in a half-whisper, “I trust you, N. Okay?”

And he thought his heart soared.

“Yeah. Okay.”

What he didn’t expect, however, was the discovery that she was just about an hour away from him.

And his heart plummeted from the heavens. But he shook his head of its selfish desires, knowing he had to keep his promise.

For Uzi.

Chapter 11: oh

Chapter Text

“Hey.”

“Yo.”

Uzi turned to her peer, only to find him in a weird stance with him tightly holding his jacket shut. Thad looked around, and in the manner he did so only increased her suspicion.

“Dude, what are you doing?”

“I got the goods.” He whispered, arching both eyebrows at her. She looked bewildered. “Okay, and? I don’t do… those.”

“Nah, you’ll want some. Trust.” He opened his jacket swiftly, causing her to flinch. However, the reveal elicited a deadpan stare from her.

“Really?”

“What?”

“Why in the hell do you have a bunch of gum in your jacket?”

“Some of these are mints!” He pointed at the various products, “And others are candy!”

“And… you have these… why?”

“The vending machines are crazy expensive, and I’m selling these for pocket change! Plus, everyone loves them.”

Thad’s claim was proven true when a couple of students walked up to him, interrupting their conversation. They gave him a few quarters in exchange for the tiny treats, as well as their sincere gratitude.

Uzi snorted out a laugh. Besides being a jock, no wonder he’s known as the cool kid on campus.

To her surprise, they also shot her apologetic looks about interjecting, which made her somewhat awkward. She just waved them off with a flat smile.

Thad asked, drawing her attention, “So? You want any?”

She pursed her lips in thought, then shrugged.

“Sure, you got vitamin gum?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

This was one of the many mundane scenes that occurred in her day-to-day life. Thad would prove more and more to be decently fun and a tolerable person to hang out with, her college classmates would (unintentionally) show an increasing number of ways how they were different from her high school classmates, and she would find that she actually enjoyed herself in her routine more often than not. The only things that were incredibly draining so far was the schoolwork and being forced to tutor people who barely tried, but with luck and adequate time management, she was managing. She also continued to despise group work, but she desperately hoped that would change in the future.

And as September passed without significant incidents, she couldn’t help but feel that the little, menial things still mattered quite a bit. She could have never predicted that she would be living the way she was now, and actually being content with it. When she was younger, a large part of her thought that she would grow up to be an anarchist or something similar to perpetuate the chaos and instability she grew up with, but she discovered that she actually appreciated the change in pace.

It was strange, but nice to live… normally.

She had a part-time job at a store she adored, with a Russian woman she could occasionally exchange banter with. She went to school full-time and lived basically for free thanks to her somewhat caring father. Since she went to school for a majority of her time, she was able to have small, amusing interactions with a cool jock and her other peers. She knew that when she made it home after a long day of classes, she had some time to her own devices before nighttime hit. And nighttime was her favorite time, since that was when she could be with the person she wanted to spend time with the most. Even if he made a clear effort to keep in contact with her throughout her busy days, being able to put her full attention to him and what they were doing together was way more preferred than sending a few messages every now and then.

Not that she didn’t appreciate his dedication in constant communication. In fact, it was… very appreciated.

More than he would ever know.

Uzi’s leg was bouncing up and down.

She should be a little happier than normal because, well, today… was her birthday.

She made it a lazy day and skipped her classes (who didn’t care for her previously perfect attendance), she already drove around and picked up her free birthday treats from different stores, she had a yummy, once-in-a-while lunch, and most recently, she finished shopping for ingredients to cook one of her favorite meals for dinner.

N had even stayed up the night before to make sure he greeted her with a very excited “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” when the clock struck twelve. And then, they hopped on their laptops and onto their beds, before staying up until God knows when to watch some beautiful, heart-wrenching anime movies until they eventually fell asleep together.

Her nearly five-years-old laptop wasn’t exactly capable of streaming movies while being on Discord while also streaming said movies on Discord, so she handed over her Crunchyroll credentials to him so that he could stream it, instead. This had happened previously with YouTube as well as Netflix, much to her frustration, but N never seemed bothered to be the one streaming when it came to their laptops, despite it usually being her whenever they were on their desktop computers. She suspected it was because he took some strange delight in hearing her sleep; she tended to fall asleep easier whenever they were watching together on their laptops. Uzi tried not to let that thought become a fact in her mind—there was nothing to solidify it, but part of her just felt like it was true.

He greeted her again when they woke up this morning, his wondrous, enthusiastic energy never fading. She had giggled earlier, enjoying his constant “happy birthday” greetings, as it was a great start to her day.

However…

Currently, she was more nervous than giddy.

Since… her dad was visiting, and he would be at her residence soon.

While this wasn’t something that should be making her uneasy, her dad hasn’t visited since May. She hasn’t seen him since May.

Uzi combed through her hair with her fingers, trying to remember what they discussed last time they were together in-person.

That was when he helped me move in. She absent-mindedly examined her nails, the shiny black nail polish reflecting her worried expression. He took a week off to make sure everything was good. He complimented my choice of furniture. He made sure everything about my car was up-to-date. He told me that he was proud of me. And that he loved me.

Uzi swallowed hard, feeling her chest constrict. Ever since her mother passed, her father had been learning how to be emotionally vulnerable, and he was still getting there…

Like her.

Back then, he didn’t often say things like “I’m proud of you” or “I love you,” because those things were somewhat implied instead of stated outright. Not even her mother had said those things freely, not until she was on her deathbed.

What terrible things we have to go through before we can admit these things… Uzi let out a sigh, shaking her head. She frowned, her thoughts turning to the culture and environment she grew up in. Does this count as, er, what was it called again? Generational trauma? Has… Dad ever struggled with stuff like this? Has Mom?

The realization that she knew very little about her own parents made her stomach drop. She wondered if she would ever get to know more than just “a little.”

“You should try!” She can already hear N suggesting to her, “If someone is gonna make an effort, I know you can!”

Uzi smiled slightly. It was weird how she knew that if N could hear her thoughts right now, he would be encouraging her to reach out. She let out another sigh, but this time, one full of fondness.

Maybe imaginary N is right. I should be the one to try.

As her brain began to wander into its usual territory, the one where N lived rent-free, the sound of the Discord ringtone broke her out of her reverie. She jolted, before picking her phone up.

“Hiiii Uziii!! Happy birthday!”

“N, you already said that, like, a thousand times.”

“And I will say it a thousand times more!”

“Oh, my God.” Uzi chuckled, then asked, “What’re you calling for? I already told you that I’m getting ready for my dad to visit.”

“I know, I just wanted to let you know that my gift for you will be there today. It says it should be delivered sometime this afternoon. Ooooh, I hope you like it!”

Uzi rolled her eyes. “I’m sure I will like it, silly. I have no doubt you picked good things to celebrate my birthday.”

“Of course! The finest things for the fairest maiden!”

“Fairest maiden?” She let out an incredulous laugh, “N, who are you talking about? ‘Cus that definitely isn’t me. Also, why are you talking like that?”

“Whoops! My bad, I got a bit into the act.” N chuckled, before asserting, “And you are! To me.”

She, unfortunately, blushed. “I hate that you said that. Stop it.”

“Aw…”

“Shush! Anyway,” Uzi checked the time, “my dad should be here soon. I gotta go. But, uh…”

The redness on her face deepened. “Thank you. For, um, keeping your promise all this time. And for the gift. When I get it, I’ll let you know.”

“Of course, Uzi. Happy birthday!!” N gasped, “Oh, wait! I haven't sung for you yet! Happy biiiirrrthday to youuuuu—!”

She hung up.

She could tolerate many things. She discovered she tolerated even more things when it came to N.

But not that song.

Just… no.

When he messaged her immediately with a sad face emoji and a text full of capitalized despair, she giggled and responded in a way that would show that it was mostly a joke. He didn’t appear to be hurt over her suddenly ending the call, and admitted that he actually expected her to despise that song.

So he knew? N, you… Uzi shook her fist at her phone. When I talk to you again, N! Oh, when I talk to you…!

Her doorbell rang.

She pocketed her phone, before making her way over to her door. Without checking the peephole, she opened her door, already expecting her father to be standing there.

What she didn’t expect, however, was for him to be carrying a large cardboard box with goofy doodles and words that read “HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY!” all over it.

Before she could inquire why in the world he brought her an entire box as a gift, she considered the chicken-scratch all over the box.

It was very familiar.

Wait a minute, is that box… from N?

“Hey, kiddo! Happy birthday!” Her father greeted with an awkward grin, “I was about to head up when the mailman overheard where I was going and handed me this package. It’s, uh, pretty hefty!”

N, what the hell? With the abrupt realization that N was an insanely popular streamer, Uzi was suddenly afraid of what sort of luxury items he purchased for her. She had long since declared her hate toward useless materialistic things since her father used to give her such presents, but… she wasn’t sure how she felt if it was from N.

“Not to disturb your deep thinking, but, uh, could I please put this down somewhere?”

“Oh! sh*t—I mean, shoot—yeah, come in.”

He went inside, allowing her to shut the door behind him. After sending a hasty text to N that she received his gift, he immediately replied with a happy emoji, to which she smirked at before pocketing her phone. As her father looked for a spot to put down the personalized box, she stared at him from the entryway.

Khan Doorman—her father—was once again in her apartment. This time, not as her helper, but as her guest. She wondered why part of her was afraid of his potential feedback toward her apartment, as though dreading his possible criticism about the way she was living.

As he set the box down on the floor near the couch, he gave the room a once-over, then unexpectedly praised the cleanliness and neatness of her space. Turning around, Khan gave her a thumbs-up.

“And it looks like you’re still very organized! That’s nice to see.”

Uzi shifted on her feet uncomfortably. “Uh, yeah. I like to know where everything is.”

She strolled over to him, looking down at the large cardboard box near his feet. The marker doodles and big texts were definitely N written all over it.

He tilted his head toward it, questioning, “You gonna open it?”

Glancing up at her father, she shrugged.

“I guess so. Do you mind?”

“Of course not!” Khan sat down on her couch, appearing quite polite with his hands on his knees. He made a small gesture toward her. “Go ahead.”

She snorted. “Alright. Let me get some scissors…”

While she searched for the sharp object, Khan asked loudly, “Soooo, is this your birthday gift?”

“Well, it does say ‘happy birthday,’ on it, but,” Uzi pulled a drawer open, “you know, probably not.”

“Ugh, of course! How could I have missed that? I must be really getting old, huh?” Khan laughed, like the idea of him aging was truly hilarious. Uzi, for some reason, thought it was kinda sad, but she said nothing. He then inquired, “Who’s the sender?”

She paused.

“...A friend.”

If he was impressed, surprised, or feeling anything after that discovery, he didn’t make it verbally known. Walking over to the box, she waved at him with the scissors in her hand, noticing his softened, relieved smile. Looking away, she cleared her throat.

“Well, here I go.”

With an unnecessary amount of force, she stabbed the tape holding the box lids shut, then sliced it completely open. Her father blinked at the action, like he had just witnessed his daughter murder an inanimate object.

“It seems that… after all this time, you still handle yourself well with dangerous objects!” Khan clapped his hands together. “I’m impressed.”

“Oh, please. The only thing you ever said that about were with these.” She twirled the scissors around on her finger, before pointing it at her ear. “My piercings were, and still are, barely a danger to anyone.”

He looked more concerned than anything. “Well, I don't think they're much of a danger, anymore. At first, I thought that they signified rebellion, but… I learned that they might have meant… other things. To you.”

She couldn’t help her derisive scoff. “Glad it took a medical professional for you to understand that.” To understand me.

“I’m glad I got it at all.” He said honestly, which took her by surprise. With a bittersweet smile, he remarked, “Nori would have liked them.”

Uzi gulped—her chest ached suddenly as her fingers grazed over her piercings. It hurt that she believed it so readily, because if she knew anything, it’s that her Mom used to be the one who supported and understood her more than anyone.

And now I have N…

Shaking her head of its frivolous thoughts, she flipped the box lids open. Inside, the items shone like gold in a leprechaun's pot. She couldn’t restrain the gasp that escaped her. In the corner of her eye, her father’s eyes were wide with astonishment.

A laptop?! And not just any laptop, but the latest model with currently the highest specs?! Uzi lifted the smaller box out of the larger one, finding even more gifts underneath. With a stylish bookbag to carry it, Naruto stickers and keychains, and a cute little tool to clean my new tech?!

She inhaled sharply, lifting the last product from the box into view.

And to top it all off, he also included high-quality, durable, black and white striped socks?! Thigh highs?? Oh, my God. This is fulfilling all of my middle school self’s dreams!

Uzi’s eyes sparkled at the box of goodies. Despite the lack of words, she was clearly amazed and overjoyed. Her heart was racing with excitement, and it took everything within her to not smile like a maniac in front of her father. Noises of glee would periodically flee from her, however. Her whole being was warmed to its core.

This present was simply too sweet and considerate. He really remembered her favorite things and took it to heart. Out of nowhere, she realized that the reason she hated her father’s past materialistic gifts was because he had never put any thought into them.

Oh, N, when I talk to you again! You hear me?! She exclaimed internally, shaking the brand-new bookbag in the air.

“Well, those are certainly… gifts!” Khan chuckled as she inspected her never-ending treasure trove. “You sure your ‘friend’ isn’t a special someone?”

Uzi did a double-take, her attention completely ripping away from her gifts. “What? No!”

“You sure? Your friend isn’t, er, what are they called again? ‘Candy fathers’?”

Oh, God. He means ‘sugar daddies’…

She straightened instantly, shouting a very aggressive, “NO!”

“Okay, okay. Settle down, I believe you. I was just joking, anyway, kiddo!”

Uzi shot him an exasperated glare while he only smiled in an awkward and timid manner. As she continued to check out her gifts from N, a silence grew between them.

He broke it, suddenly. “I’m glad they’re treating you well.”

She glanced at him, discomforted. She hadn’t told her father about N yet, let alone about making an actual friend, so speaking about him was simply bizarre, to say the least.

“...He’s… really nice. And cool.” And funny. And sweet. And cute—agh!

Khan clasped his hands together, letting out an anxious exhale. “Well, I don’t know if I can compete with a box of treasures, but… I do have something for you.”

She resumed her focus on him again, uttering a curt, “Huh?”

He motioned for her to approach him, which she did so cautiously. After sending her a small, brisk smile, he dug his hand into his pocket and drew out a bracelet. Although perplexed, she held her palm out, permitting him to lay it flat against her hand.

Uzi furrowed her eyebrows. “Isn’t this the one Mom gave you before she… died?”

“Actually,” Khan swallowed visibly, as though he was veiling the emotions that were threatening to escape with his words, “it was initially my gift to her. A choker, since she was into those kinda things. Heh, maybe that’s where you got it from!”

He nudged her, eliciting an eye roll and a look that screamed “obviously.”

“So, anyway,” Khan continued, his eyes blinking rapidly, “this was my first gift to her back when we started dating. Eventually, it would get covered by her hair or her clothing and whatnot, but, ahh, I knew she always wore it.”

Not only his expression, but his entire body seemed to have drooped.

“She… She gave it back to me, right before she passed.”

“Oh.”

Uzi brushed the material with her thumb. Despite its apparent ancient history, it was still beautifully shiny and very bold in its black color. She knew that its persevering quality wasn’t because of luck, but because of her father's tender and consistent care.

He really loved Mom, huh?

She felt her shoulders slacken, and before she knew it, tears were stinging her eyes.

Without hesitation, she quickly hugged her father, only allowing a few seconds for him to hug her back, before she pulled away. Her visage was threatening to break, but trying not to embarrass herself in front of her dad, she turned around.

“You mind helping me put this on? I wanna see what it looks like.”

“Not at all! Here.”

With a click, the choker fastened around her neck. She pulled out her phone, inspecting herself, appreciating the choker’s aesthetic and sentimental value.

Khan chuckled, muttering fondly, “Oh, my goodness!”

She turned to him with a frown, interpreting his reaction incorrectly. She was young, she could check herself out if she wanted to!

“What?”

“Oh, nothing.” Khan waved at her dismissively, “You just… remind me of your Mom. All the time, really. But right now, you really are carrying her with you.”

Uzi bit her cheek, unsure what to say. Retreating to her usual behavior, she scoffed and remarked, “Cheesy. You can just say a normal compliment, you know!”

With a roll of her eyes, she crossed her arms and faced the other direction.

“But, ugh, thanks… for the gift. You didn’t need to give this to me, since it was originally yours to begin with, but—this was, you know, like—very thoughtful!”

“I’m glad you like it, Uzi.” Khan grinned widely, standing up with renewed vigor. “I know how you feel about my old gifts, which is why I was sorta surprised by your reaction to this box. It doesn’t make you mad?”

“What? No way! These gifts are great, too!” Uzi gesticulated, “They’re just, er, nice because they’re from… my friend.”

At his skeptical look, she groaned and stomped past him to her kitchen.

“I don’t know, don’t ask! It’s weird for me, too.”

“And you’re sure you don’t like your friend?”

“Of course I like him!”

He shot her another look.

“But not—not like that!” Uzi tied the apron around her waist, ignoring the way her face was beginning to burn. Why was this so embarrassing to talk about with her dad? “He’s a great friend, he always helps me out, and he’s super supportive in everything I do.”

Before she knew it, she was ranting. As her body moved throughout the kitchen, her dad sat down at the table and listened.

“Like, it’s kinda annoying sometimes. There are times where I want to strangle another emotion out of him. He just—He’s too nice, he teases me a lot, but also compliments me a lot, and, ugh, man, it’s really weird!”

“Sounds to me like he likes you—”

“Definitely not.”

“—and that you like him.”

“I already said I do, but—”

“Like how I liked Nori right when I met her.”

Uzi stilled at her mom’s name, her chest suddenly aching once more. She wondered how her mom would feel right now, watching her husband and daughter interact like this. It would have been a huge shock to her since, well, when she was still alive, they were still estranged, after all.

She shook her head, scoffing.

“Oh, bite me. As if.”

Khan was aware his daughter was stubborn, but even to this extent was astounding. “You really don’t think so?”

“No! We’re just good friends. Besides, why would he show that sort of interest in me? He lives with four roommates, and they’re all girls! He probably has a type, and it’s not me.”

“Don’t you think you’re being a bit too hard on yourself?”

“Gee, where’d that come from, I wonder?” She bit back at him, her tone unintentionally laced with bitterness. He physically recoiled, hands up in surrender. “Okay, point taken. I’ll just listen.”

“Good. So, anyway, where was I? Oh, right. He wouldn’t like me like that! I mean, we hang out, and spend a lot of time together, and—Did I mention we’re only online friends? I mean, he lives an hour away, but—”

As she ranted freely about her not-crush and cooked her birthday dinner, she didn’t realize that her dad’s elated expression harbored a knowing smile. Eventually, when they moved on from the topic of her not-crush, she was able to ask and learn a little more about her father.

She asked him about his family, how they were displaced because of war, how he was an immigrant with determination and a dream. She asked him about Mom, how they met, how they fell in love. Even though he still struggled to describe these things to her and to answer her questions in detail, he still did his best, and she welcomed whatever information he was able to provide.

After they talked to their heart’s content throughout dinner, they decided to watch some reality television. The show about long-distance couples that were from different countries was a bit on-the-nose, but it was entertaining, nonetheless.

She wondered when the last time it was that she laughed with her dad this much.

Uzi missed the first week of October. Besides that week being her birthday week and having the best birthday she had ever had so far, it was also very chill and didn’t consist of many assignments or schoolwork to do.

This week, however, was the week of midterms. Her first ever college midterms.

One of the busiest weeks she would ever experience in her lifetime.

And it was horrible.

Neither of her groupmates were very experienced in writing up documents, but having been forced to do such things back in high school, Uzi possessed the most expertise in bullsh*tting a paper. As such, she completed a majority of their midpoint lab report, but there was still some data they were missing. This was already a terrible sign, because not only was their lab report due on Friday, but their live presentation was Thursday morning. Since neither of her groupmates could come in later this week to complete the data collection, she was basically forced to go herself. And as per the worms’ strict schedule, she had to go on Wednesday, right after her afternoon classes.

She supposed it worked out somewhat, despite the time crunch. Her entire week was just a time crunch, honestly.

On Monday, she had to write one three-page essay based on the given excerpts in class, as well as answer various multiple-choice questions, just for her English class. Right after school, she spent the rest of the day finishing up her lengthy and complicated coding assignment that was due Tuesday morning. At night, before she took whatever little time she had left to study for her Tuesday class’s exam, she finally messaged N back.

N 10/09/2023 10:01 AM

late good morning, but good morning!

N 10/09/2023 10:15 AM

i hope u’r doing ok :(

N 10/09/2023 4:25 PM

uzziii?

haven’t heard from u in a bit

u okay??

N 10/09/2023 6:34 PM

hope u’r okay, even tho u’r prob realllly busy ;-;

N 10/09/2023 9:03 PM

i just got done streaming

maybe u have time for a break?

<:3

darkXwolf17 10/09/2023 10:28 PM

sorry

was busy whole day

prob gonna be busy the whole week

so don’t expect fast replies

and no time for a break either

oof :/

N 10/09/2023 10:28 PM

okay! no problem!!

just take care of urself pls

:’(

Uzi bit her lip. She wanted to reply, No promises.

But she didn’t have the courage to send it.

On Tuesday, after taking her excruciating and painful math exam, she planned to camp out in the library and cram, but it seemed she wasn’t the only one. There were hundreds of students in the library, filling the tables and every other seating area to the brim. Intense irritation swelled within her at having wasted her time searching for a place to study, so she cut her losses and drove home.

Later that night, she received yet another check-up from N.

N 10/10/2023 10:25 PM

busy again? :<

darkXwolf17 10/10/2023 10:25 PM

yep

sorry

N 10/10/2023 10:25 PM

it’s ok!

good luckkkk!!!!!!!!

i believe in u!!!!!!!

darkXwolf17 10/10/2023 10:25 PM

thnx

N 10/10/2023 10:26 PM

ofc <3

Now it was Wednesday. She had just completed a late morning and an early afternoon exam, both with a special schedule of about two hours, leaving her with barely any time to get lunch. Her brain was tired, and her body was sleep-deprived and beginning to starve. Sooner or later, she would be running on fumes. Without regard to her hunger or exhaustion, she went to the lab to tend to the worms.

She didn’t think today could get any worse.

But… the universe loved to make her suffer.

It was a quarter before ten at night by the time she finished taking care of the worms’ needs and collecting all the data she needed for their assignments. Her goal was to be done at eight, but her focus was afflicted with fatigue, which caused her to work slowly and make many mistakes. Once she made it home, she messaged her biology groupmates that she was going to hop on in a few minutes so that they could work on the presentation together. Since she was on her phone, she decided to message N, too. Her fingers were controlled by her sudden torrent of emotions before she could reel them back.

darkXwolf17 10/11/2023 10:05 PM

day was so busy as sh*t

and i still have stuff to do rn

had no time to eat at all today

on the verge of losing it

N 10/11/2023 10:05 PM

oh no

uzi

:(

u cant snack a little?

darkXwolf17 10/11/2023 10:05 PM

nope

just gonna starve

bleh

N 10/11/2023 10:05 PM

:(((((

uzi :(

i’m worried about you

Uzi sighed wearily, before tossing her phone on her bed. It was unfair for her to take her emotions out on N and make him concerned for her, but he always seemed to draw them out of her. Ignoring her need for a break, she took a fast shower, then hurried to her computer and into their shared PowerPoint.

Her groupmates… weren’t currently active on it.

And to drive the nail in the coffin, neither of them responded since she sent that text.

They’re asleep. They’re actually f*cking asleep…

Uzi cursed at her monitor as she decided to work on the presentation herself. To hell with her groupmates, she would make sure their grades would drop by the sheer malice she would unleash upon their evaluations.

Of course. This is fantastic. Just what I needed.

While her mind began to erode from the lack of energy and sleep, her body was stirred on by pure spite. She put in the slides, the texts, the images, the charts—maybe some of it was half-assed, maybe some slides could have looked better, but she didn’t care. She didn’t have enough in her to perfect about twenty slides.

I’m so hungry. f*ck. And I’m so tired…

Uzi groaned, leaning back in her chair and closing her eyes briefly when they began to burn. It was nearly eleven now, yet she had barely put anything down. Everything felt hazy and slow, despite how fast she was trying to work so she could at least get some decent sleep.

Our presentation is at eight in the morning. Eight! Why did they make it some special timing bullsh*t?! What the hell is wrong with these people?!

It was unfair.

So unfair.

Why was she stuck doing the work of three people?

Why was she having to work her ass off and stress about a presentation that two other people decided to sleep on?

Why did she have this stupid mentality of doing everything on her own?

Thanks, Dad. You can take credit for that one.

Why wasn’t she trying to wake them up?

I just don’t care if they help me or not. They probably would have been useless, anyway.

Uzi then leaned over her desk, her hair mussed from the constant combing with her fingers. It spilled all around her, forming a curtain to shield her eyes from the blaring light of her monitor.

Her brain was fried.

But she knew she had to keep going.

But she was so tired.

But she needed to finish this because no one else would.

Uzi’s hands ran through her hair once more, before it settled atop her scalp. She scratched her head for motivation, maybe an idea that would get her going again. But she was coming up blank, like the words were purposefully evading her.

Worms, worms… What did we do? What did our data come up to? Why did we do this, again?

Her palms moved over her eyes, covering them, further encasing them in darkness. Her brain was becoming fuzzier, but her chest was heaving.

Why am I doing this again? Why? God, why? What’s the point, again?

She was breathing fast, she realized.

Her heart rate was also gaining speed.

Oh, sh*t.

Without looking, one hand searched for her phone, while the other carried her very light and woozy head. Suddenly, nausea hit her, and her stomach growled in pain. Hunger was beginning to attack her, right alongside the rest of her brain.

In.

Out.

She finally found her device. Trembling, she called N.

He picked up instantly.

“Uzi, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

In.

“Yeah, I—”

In.

“I wanted to call—”

Out. In. Out. Out?

In.

She suddenly stopped speaking, her breathing fluctuating too much for her to form words.

Out. In—?

“Uzi?”

“...You know what? Haha, no, I’m not.” She felt her eyes water abruptly, “I’m tired, and I’m starving, and my groupmates fell asleep so—so now I’m doing this stupid f*cking presentation all by myself.”

Uzi seethed, all of her intense emotions quickly stacking atop each other, threatening to topple. She stood up suddenly, like sitting down wasn’t allowing her to breathe. “I’m angry and annoyed as hell—our presentation is at eight in the morning, but it’s barely finished! I want to finish it so I can go to sleep but my stupid brain is lagging and not thinking and I’m trying—I’m trying to make it work but I can’t.”

She stomped around in circles, her chest finally heaving rhythmically, ignoring the way her voice was beginning to break. “And I had two f*cking exams earlier today, by the way. Two! And they were long! And this week so far has been packed to the brim with sh*t, so much dumb school whatever and—and exams and papers and—I can’t catch a break! I just want to sit down and watch something or play or even eat or something like PLEASE! God, I just—I just—!”

She wandered over to her couch, slumping against the cushions without warning.

A hand ran down her face, and she exhaled miserably.

“I don’t know… I don’t know… anymore…”

What little energy she had left was now expended, and now… she had nothing.

Not even rage.

She was just… exhausted.

“Uzi…”

She opened her mouth to say more, but there was nothing left for her to say. After all the anger, vexation, and frustrations bubbled out of her… an overwhelming sadness began to take root.

So she cried.

She gritted her teeth and let the tears fall, but tried her best to do so silently.

She was already feeling like sh*t.

The last thing she needed was N to hear how pathetic she was.

Her sniffles were loud, obnoxious, and uncontrollable, however.

And he heard it. All of it.

“Aw, Uzi…” his voice, though low and soft, was full of compassion—full of absolute, genuine care, “It’s okay, Uzi…”

“It’s not!” she hiccuped, surly and resentful, “I’m just wasting my time right now—bitching for what? And also being a little crybaby. I sound so ugly and pathetic. Ahhhh, just kill me. What am I even doing?”

“You’re not ugly, and you’re not pathetic. You’re adorable, and I’m sure in every way possible.”

She let out a snide remark. “N, please, enough with the empty compliments—”

“They’re not empty, Uzi. I mean it.”

“You’ve never even seen me.”

“But I know that I’m right.”

“That’s… dumb. This is dumb.” She groaned; a gloomy frown marred her face. “I should be working on the presentation right now.”

“It’s okay, Uzi. You don’t need to be doing anything right now. It’s okay.”

“No.” She winced at her pitiful voice, and attempted to speak in a stronger tone, “I can’t just sit here and be worthless. Not like my stupid partners.”

“You could never be worthless. You’re ev—” He halted, then continued, “You’re allowed to breathe and have a break. I won’t tell you to forget your assignment and go to sleep since it sounds important, but you shouldn’t be going hungry. So… um, there will be a delivery there in a bit.”

She sniffled in response. Having sunken deep into her feelings, it took a moment to realize what he said.

“What?”

“...I ordered you food. You, uh—You told me before that you loved pho, which was the, um, Vietnamese noodle soup, right?”

“You…” Her brain wasn't functioning at all; it barely registered his words. She wiped her eyes. “You bought me food?”

“Uh, yes… I ordered it a while ago, but it’s just a minute away now. I-Is that okay?” He sounded nervous, like he was afraid of breaking some unspoken rule that accompanied his promise. “You didn’t eat at all today, and I got really worried. I hate the idea of you starving…”

She wasn’t sure what to say, so she was rendered speechless. Her mind was racing a mile a minute, before it was abruptly interrupted by the ring of her doorbell.

“That’s it! I just got the notification.”

Mindlessly, Uzi stumbled over to her door. She peeked through the peephole, but saw no one standing outside. Hesitantly, she opened the door and grabbed the to-go, before shutting it behind her.

On her way to the kitchen, her stomach grumbled loudly, activated by the delicious aroma of the brothy soup. She felt drool begin to pool in her mouth.

“Was it there?”

“...Yeah, it was.”

Tears dried, she stared at the to-go like it was from another dimension. Her hands unraveled the plastic knot, unveiling the two separate styrofoam containers, with one consisting of the brothy Vietnamese soup and the other holding all the meat, herbs, and vegetables.

She was still too astonished, tired, and famished to say anything. Getting a pot to place on her stove, she proceeded to pour the soup into it to bring it to a boil. Silence passed between them while the liquid heated.

“Is it good?”

“I haven't tried it, yet. I have to mix it all up myself, apparently.”

“Oh, biscuits. I didn’t know they would have separated it. I’m sorry!”

She mixed the ingredients into the now boiling soup. After grabbing a heat-safe bowl, she poured the completed soup into it. Bringing it to her table, she sat down and stared at it—she stared at it hard. Uzi couldn’t believe that, after all of the utter, terrible, horrible, awful sh*t she went through today, she finally had food. One of her favorite comfort foods, to be specific.

Words began to makes its way out of her mouth.

“...I wouldn’t have known, either. So… it’s fine. And…”

As she looked down at her bowl of hot, flavorful soup, filled to the brim with delectable, fresh ingredients, she felt an unexpected wave of appreciation, gratitude, adoration, and love wash over her, engulfing her entirely.

“Thank you.” Tears stung her eyes again, with a couple immediately rolling over her cheeks. “Today has been… Well, you know how today has been, since I told you. But this is… this is—oh, God. Seriously, N, thank you. I… I don’t know what else to say.”

“Say nothing else! Just eat, and enjoy it! Tell me if it’s good.”

With a small, fatigued grin, she only nodded, despite the fact he couldn’t see it.

With the first bite, she nearly moaned, her eyes closing with content. Her tongue was tingling, and her stomach was still noisy and panging, but with how exquisite the food was, she knew she was going to finish everything even if it killed her.

It was delicious, but it was more than that—it was… thoughtful, considerate, and so, so N of him to do this for her.

She sighed with delight.

"It's good."

"Yay! Good, now eat up!"

She smiled affectionately at his radiant tone, her chest uncoiling and her mind unwinding.

N is honestly the best person to ever exist. I am too lucky to have met him, too lucky that he thinks of me as his friend. He makes me laugh, he can be so irritatingly cute sometimes, and he has always been so sweet and kind and wholesome to me. This is why… I just really, really…!

Uzi abruptly paused in her thoughts, nearly choking on her food. She coughed horrendously, preventing it from blocking her windpipes.

“Uzi? You okay?”

She swallowed down her spoonful of soup forcibly, before uttering a singular—

“Oh.”

“‘Oh’? ‘Oh’ what?”

Uzi stared down at her gifted dinner, the realization awakening every cell in her body.

Her lethargy dissipated.

Like a ton of bricks to her face, it hit her that—

I like him.

I really like him.

A lot.

And she knew it wasn’t in the platonic sense, not in the way she had formerly convinced herself.

No.

This was something completely different, but also something she had been denying for a considerable length of time.

I have a crush on him.

I like him—but, romantically...?!

I like… N.

Chapter 12: inner turmoil

Chapter Text

“Oooohhhh,” she dropped her chopsticks and her spoon, then dug the heels of her hands into her eyes and uttered, “shiiiiiiit.”

“What?! What happened?!”

His voice was suddenly much crisper post-realization, and now, her traitorous body was beginning to heat up fast.

“Nothing!” She barked, resuming her consumption of the soup, “I just… remembered that I had to add something! To the presentation. Of course. Duh. Obviously.”

“Um… o—”

“Bite me!”

“Okay…! Well, I’m glad I was able to fuel you up a bit more so that you could remember that!”

She blushed, furiously.

“Yeah, I know, right? Thank you!” She cringed, her mind delirious with the thoughts of liking N, “I’m saying it twice because, I, er, I forgot to say—no, ugh, I didn’t—I mean, that’s just how grateful I am! I’m doubly grateful! I’m more than doubly! I’m infinitely grateful! You get infinite ‘thank you’s’!”

“I am… so confused! But yay! Infinite ‘thank you’s’!”

“Yes!”

“Also, I’m so glad that it was good! Never been down there myself, so I was really hoping the reviews weren’t lying. I wouldn’t want you to have had bad food after a whole day of not eating.”

She let out a long exhale, allowing her nerves to settle. Uzi knew she could be a bit theatrical sometimes, but the last thing she wanted was to embarrass herself in front of her apparent crush.

“You’re… too nice, honestly.”

“Don’t worry about it. Finish your midterms strong, Uzi! I’m cheering for you!”

They conversed a little longer as she finished her dinner, with her doing her absolute best to not freak out about how sweet he was or how nice his voice was. She still couldn’t believe that she actually liked her friend, because if she did believe it, her emotions would completely override everything in her brain. She couldn’t have that, now; she still had a couple days left of agonizing assignments to do, after all.

Despite not eating all day, her appetite abruptly disappeared with her realization, so she only ate as much Vietnamese soup as she could stomach. After eventually ending the call with N, it was only her, her presentation, and complete silence.

Maybe… Maybe I don’t actually like him.

Uzi nodded to herself on her computer as she absent-mindedly added some text to the slides.

Maybe I was just caught up in the moment. She frowned, remembering all of the things she let spill out of her. Maybe I only thought that I liked him because he always makes me feel better after I break down.

Uzi’s brain processed. Wait, but if he made me feel better, and I realize that I liked him afterward, then is that one of the reasons why I like him?

Her fists slammed on her desk, her hands trembling. No! Damn it, I was supposed to refute my crush, not prove it! No!!

She shook her head. I probably don’t. It’s just my emotions running high. Yeah, that’s it.

With food in her stomach and her body running on adrenaline, she managed to finish the rest of the PowerPoint presentation. When she finally did, Uzi stretched and yawned wide; her eyes burned from the light of her monitor. Checking the time, she groaned at the fact that she stayed up until three in the morning doing schoolwork for her stupid biology class and her useless group.

This is depressing.

Automatically, she went to Discord, seeing N’s messages from a while ago.

N 10/12/2023 12:35 AM

just seeing if u’r ok!

u’r prob in the zone rn, so not expecting a reply :( but know that i’m rooting for u!!!

N 10/12/2023 1:02 AM

i’m getting sleepy, but i was rlly hoping we could call before i knock out ;-;

N 10/12/2023 1:46 AM

i’m about to surrender myself to sleep uzi ahhhhh

forgive meeeeeee 😭

i hope u’r feeling way better now tho

sleep well and have good dreams!!!!!

💤

She smiled, feeling her heart swell with affection. A part of her wished that when she went to bed, he would be there, waiting for her to join him. Her face burned at the notion of them sleeping together, cuddling, spooning, or other sleeping positions that couples did together. She didn’t think she could even meet him in her current state of mind, let alone sleep in the same bed as him.

As if that would happen. Uzi placed her phone down, her hand running down her face. I’m not ready to see him in real life. Not at all. I’ve barely come to the conclusion that I befriended this amazing guy. Now I think that I like him? Shame on me. I don’t deserve to imagine cuddling him. I mean—no! I just shouldn’t be. Gah!

Shaking her head of its scandalous thoughts, she got up and completed some late-night tasks. Eventually, she made it to her bed, flopping onto it facedown. With a turn, she was on her back and staring at the dark ceiling above. Her mind, previously filled with school, was now filled with N.

N, N, N… God, it’s like I’ve become a dumb schoolgirl with a dumb crush on a dumb boy. She covered her face with her pillow, groaning deeply. If this is really a crush, then crushes are the worst. Why is this keeping me up? I’d appreciate being able to get some sleep, thank you!

Fortunately, the day’s events caught up to Uzi, striking her suddenly with drowsiness. Within a few minutes, she drifted to sleep, where she enjoyed a hazy dream featuring herself meeting the person she desperately tried to deny her feelings for. Unrealistically, it was the perfect world.

When the school day finally ended on Friday, Uzi couldn’t be happier.

“Midterms are over!” Thad cheered after exiting the classroom, his hands flying in the air. Momentarily distracted from his loudness, Uzi looked up from her phone, seeing him celebrate with other people. Their fellow classmates were loitering outside, chatting about the exam. Someone snorted, “Now they are. You took forever in there, dude.”

“I didn’t have time to study!” He remarked indignantly, “Coach put us through the wringer this week because of the game tomorrow. Super important or whatever for this season.”

“You sure you didn’t fail?” Someone else asked with a snicker. He pointedly replied, “No way! Anyway, let’s stop talking about exams. We’re done with ‘em! Don’t forget about the ‘f*ck Midterms’ party tonight at my place!”

“Woo!”

“Yeah, Thad!”

“Let’s go! He’s the homeboy!”

He cheered, “Haha, yeah!”

Uzi rolled her eyes, switching her attention back to her phone. As the sound of clambering footsteps and conversations slowly faded, she decided to end her text conversation with N and head home. However, someone slung an arm around her shoulders, causing her to jump to the side instantly.

“What the hell?!”

Thad took a step back. “Whoa, Uzi, chill!”

“Don’t tell me to ‘chill’!” She scoffed, brushing her shoulders off with a shudder. “I hate physical contact. Don’t touch me without my permission.”

“Okay, my bad. Noted.” Thad shot finger-guns her way with a cheeky smile, “Anyway, you’re invited tonight to my party! Well, basically most of our class is. It’ll be a blast!”

“A loud party full of sweaty, drunk people, bad music, and seizure-inducing lights?” She arched an eyebrow at him. “Thanks for the invite, but I’m good.”

“It’ll be fun!”

“My idea of fun is… not that.”

“Aw, you sure? You could meet someone there!”

“Meet someone? Uh, no thanks. I already—”

Uzi stopped, before she bonked herself on the head with her phone.

Thad was quite confused. “What did you do that for?”

“Ugh, no reason. Don’t ask.”

“Alright! Well, if you change your mind, you’re still welcome to come!”

Uzi waved goodbye to him as he followed after the crowd of students. She sighed, feeling once more like a loner.

Whatever. I like being a loner. I don’t wanna go to a crazy party to have fun. I do other things for fun. She nodded to herself as she exited the school premises. Like, gaming with N, or watching with N, or talking with N…

Uzi paused next to a tree, before promptly bumping her forehead into its scratchy trunk.

Everything I do now is with N. Everything is more fun with him…

She allowed herself to stand there, forehead against the tree. The campus was basically empty at this point, since many students were desperate to go home and relax after a week of hell. Even if there were some passersby, she didn’t care enough to look up. She went through a lot of emotional turmoil this week, so she deserved to be able to do what she wanted, like put her head on this tree.

By the time she had some moments to digest her apparent feelings after her last class, she was somewhat angry that it wasn’t as surprising to her as she thought it would be. Almost as though it was obvious, like—

Duh, of course I like him. What else could these feelings be?

Angrily, she kicked the harmless tree, muttering annoyedly to herself.

“I was supposed to not like him. I promised myself. I made a whole rule about not getting too attached! How could I have gotten so careless? Damn it!”

Why couldn’t I have just stopped myself before it was too late?

That was the thing about N, she supposed. He always drew her back in.

With another angry kick, she exhaled, then marched to her car.

“Screw this. I have to blow off some steam.” Pulling her phone out, she messaged the (literal) man of her dreams.

darkXwolf17 10/13/2023 2:06 PM

u and me in 30 mins

league

N 10/13/2023 2:06 PM

of legends????

ooooooooooooooooooooooh

nooooooooooooooooooooo

are u sure???

darkXwolf17 10/13/2023 2:07 PM

yes i’m sure

i need to get angry at something

N 10/13/2023 2:07 PM

umm ok uzi if it will help :<

i’ll try not to get angry tho ;-;

i don’t want my viewers to see that

darkXwolf17 10/13/2023 2:07 PM

no worries

just let me be the angry one

N 10/13/2023 2:07 PM

ok ;-;

What she learned later that evening was that N was not kidding when he said that this particular Riot game tilted him. Before he became too angry, she quickly placated him with some calming words and asked if they could play Party Animals instead.

Weekends were the best, but Sundays were now her favorite. No work, no school—she had all the time in the day to goof off and relax, like how she was right now.

[darkXwolf17]: bro how are u maneuvering like that?????

N laughed. “I’m telling you how, already!”

[darkXwolf17]: so confused rn

Chat wasn’t helping, either. Many of them were paying back what she served prior, with a variety of “git gud bro” and “skill diff” messages. She supposed this is what she got for constantly teasing and trolling his viewers and being somewhat more co*cky on his recent streams, whenever she had a chance to join him. His audience didn’t seem to mind how her relationship was changing with them. Originally, they held a very blind adoration toward her—a person they didn’t have any clue about. Now that they had gotten to know her more, their relationship was more back and forth with banter and teases and empty threats.

A considerable number of his viewers were nearby in-game, having located where they were practicing. They were sitting atop the snowy hills, watching the pair as Uzi tried to learn how to fly more expertly with her wings under the guidance of the streamer. She had learned the basics, which was getting off the ground and into the air, but she hadn’t gotten a chance to learn complicated aerial maneuvers.

[darkXwolf17]: chat shut up fr

[darkXwolf17]: i will fight u to the death

A few people in his audience seemed to have taken her text as a challenge, however, as their characters hopped up and down for a fight.

[darkXwolf17]: what? u actually wanna fight?

The players in-game responded with a resounding confirmation in the proximity text chat. Several ran toward her, wanting to be the first opponent.

“Oh, biscuits.” N pouted, stepping aside. “Well, I guess that ends our training for today.”

Uzi smirked maliciously.

This will be fun.

As the hour ticked on, his viewers challenged her to player-versus-player combat. One by one, they initiated a duel with her, fought her with everything they had, before they were ultimately defeated. Uzi cackled as her avatar absorbed their experience points and half of their loot. It had gotten to a point where the loot was too much for her to carry, and it ended up hovering slightly off the ground all around her. Her character was stained from head to toe with the oil of the other drones. She shook her head condescendingly; she had spent way too many hours perfecting her skills and combos to lose to these lower-leveled people. Using her character’s abilities was muscle memory, at this point.

With another victory, she clapped her hands and cheered, letting out a “woohoo” to herself in her otherwise quiet bedroom.

“Okay, okay! Goodness, guys!” N showed his palms to the camera, a gesture of suggesting peace. “You have been at it for a while now! Come on. We’re all friends, aren’t we?”

Uzi giggled at his useless call for a truce; he seemed genuinely worried that this was messing up her relationship with his viewers.

[darkXwolf17]: c’mon n look at them! they still want some

And it was true. There were even more players circling what was supposedly the battle arena. The once sparse snowy field was now filled with most likely hundreds of players, all watching and some waiting for their turn to fight. She was surprised her computer was still holding on. With a smirk, she typed into the torrential proximity chat in-game.

[darkXwolf17]: who’s next?

And then, soon enough, it fell.

A female character walked into view, her level showing to be much higher than every other player she has fought before. Not only was she decked out in rare and valuable accessories, she was also extremely familiar. Uzi’s eyes were glued to the display name hovering over the character.

[angelofdeath]: my turn

Uzi winced. Oh, no.

“Oh, no!” N mimicked unknowingly. “When did V join?! Is she streaming, too?”

His viewers on his broadcast were all exasperatedly telling him “yes” and alongside tons of messages of “we were trying to tell you!”

Uzi felt her blood run cold, and she gulped at the prospect of dueling V in front of nearly a total of a hundred-thousand viewers. She was confident in her skills, but V was a whole other monster when it came to player-versus-player combat. If she backed down now, however, it would be devastating to her online reputation. His thousands of viewers might look down on her if she backed out now. If anything, she just needed to give a good fight and put on a good show.

She didn’t need to win.

Although, that would be nice. And a major boost to her ego.

“U—Uh, darkXwolf17, you don’t have to!”

No, N. I need to. Uzi clenched her fists, before she began to type.

[darkXwolf17]: sure, let’s do it

And before she knew it, their two characters were standing across from each other, as far as they could be in the makeshift circle. With a glance, Uzi saw N nervously watching, his expression contorted with unease. She brought her attention back to the game, and zeroed in on the player in front of her.

As far as Uzi knew, V didn’t play the game as much as she or N did. She had played Drones Online mainly for the player-versus-player combat rewards, and she played it a lot when it initially dropped, but not as much recently. This meant she was less knowledgeable about the latest patch updates and skill tweaks, things that could definitely impact the way their battle was going to go. If she couldn’t beat V through pure combat skill, it would have to be by knowledge.

Using the railgun is out of the question, I’ll be killed immediately. I need to find a way to kill her with just my character alone, but even with the class upgrade, my character is still not as physically capable as the Disassembly Drone class. And I’ve barely had any time to practice my physical capabilities.

[angelofdeath]: not moving first? i’ll go then

Uzi barely had time to finish reading that message when V suddenly dove at her. Long, metal claws glinted in the moonlight, and suddenly, Uzi found herself dashing away. V’s character planted itself beside her, claws digging into the frozen dirt, before it pivoted and aimed for her once more.

With a grimace, Uzi quickly used an ability and completed the required quick-time event, causing the metal debris around to create a wall between them. She hoped that would give her enough time to escape, but V tore through the metal seamlessly—the razor sharp claws suddenly hovered over her still retreating character, threatening to split open her neck.

She let out a tiny, panicked shriek as she rapidly hit a few buttons in succession, consequently transforming the metal debris into knives and shooting it toward the other character. Forced to avoid them, V’s claw missed her vital point, instead only grazing her cheek. Uzi sighed with relief, since, well, at least she wasn’t dead!

The knives took off a few health points, but none of them were able to successfully cut her through. Uzi cursed under her breath and re-energized the knives, making them hover in the air before they targeted V again. She seemed to have realized they were honing in on her regardless of her movements, so she began to run at Uzi.

“Oh, come on!” She exclaimed. With a swing of her character’s hands, the knives cut off V’s path toward Uzi, once again providing much needed space between the two of them.

What can I do? What should I do? How can I catch her off guard?

The distance wasn’t enough, it seemed. V darted toward her again, this time her speed boosted with her metallic wings. Instead of her claws, she had an elongated sword at her side, ready to swipe off her head.

Uzi attempted to use another ability to throw V off course, but the Disassembly Drone was faster than her ability’s cast—it only worked partially.

She cried out as her screen brimmed with a glaring redness; oil poured out like a faucet from the gaping hole where her character’s arm was supposed to be. Uzi watched as V slid across the snow, leaving a cloud puff in her wake as she began her threatening trek back to her downed character.

Uzi groaned, anticipating imminent defeat, until her screen suddenly brimmed with familiar neon yellow codes. Her character changed once more into that disturbing, slumped form, with her eyelights flickering into a golden hue. Her arm, although subtly, was beginning to regenerate.

She grinned at V’s visible confusion, with her character standing still for a moment. Then, Uzi let out a yelp when the Disassembly Drone charged at her, fully intent on defeating her once and for all.

With a swift press of a couple of buttons, she evaded the stab by jumping to the side, and allowed her tail to bite off the hand that extended toward her. Another press of a key, and the tail was able to rip off V’s arm cleanly.

Yes! YES! Uzi cackled maniacally while V began to back off. The purple-haired woman pursued, her lips stretched into a wide grin. The sword that was separated from V’s body was utilized by Uzi, where she used it to strike V down into the frozen dirt, immobilizing her. V attempted to switch to a missile, pointed directly at Uzi’s character, but she wasn’t quick enough. Uzi’s tail lashed out, knocking the missile off-course, sending it flying somewhere in the masses.

Uzi ignored the players that were sent soaring as she summoned more knives, all pointed toward the fallen Disassembly Drone.

I WIN!

“Alright! That’s enough!”

N’s character suddenly appeared beside them, yanking Uzi out of her kill stance. Although she knew N couldn’t hear her, she still whined resentfully, “N! NO! My victory!!”

“Please don’t. V is gonna kill me in real life if she loses her loot and EXP. Sorry, darkXwolf17!” N chuckled, saying proudly, “You still won, though, by technicality. Good job!”

[darkXwolf17]: I WANTED TO FINISH HERRRRRRRR

[angelofdeath]: i would have beaten her!

[darkXwolf17]: U WOULD HAVE DIED

[angelofdeath]: nuh uh

N sighed, somewhat sounding like a tired parent. “Guys! V, please, the fight is over!”

[angelofdeath]: ugh

[angelofdeath]: why just me??? u always take her side

That definitely had both the livestream and the nearby players teasing and shipping once again. Uzi tried not to flush at the fact that his roommate was accusing N of being partial to her all the time.

There’s no way that’s true. Since when does he…? Nah, not thinking about it. I might combust.

N crossed his arms, “No! As I said, I wanted to make sure you didn’t die and lose everything. Plus, I wanted a rematch!”

Uzi’s mind blanked.

…Huh?

[darkXwolf17]: with who?

[angelofdeath]: with who?

“With darkXwolf17, of course!” N grinned, visibly and audibly excited. “I’ve been watching her fight all these people, and now I want a turn!”

Chat was going insane, many of them asking when they had even first fought, and most of them ecstatic over a duel between the famous gaming buddies. Suddenly, there were a ton of people placing imaginary bets on who would win and calling out who they were rooting for, and some people even donated actual money to claim their side.

A rematch?! Uzi was incredulous. He literally beat me to the ground last time, and it was barely even a match! What is he talking about?!

She gulped, before suddenly feeling a very heavy weight in her chest.

And… I don’t want to fight him.

N declared, “Alright? So me next!”

But it seemed like she didn’t have a choice.

As V cleared out from the makeshift arena, N stood in her place, his character standing menacingly still.

Uzi swallowed, for once feeling drained from all of the player-versus-player combats. On any other day, she would have been up to the challenge—especially before she realized that she liked him in a romantic sense. But having this one-on-one in front of all of these people was beginning to make her feel very self-conscious.

Can I back out? Uzi scowled, I would like to back out, actually. I can deal with my online reputation getting trashed on. That’s fine.

“Okay, here I come!”

Oh, sh*t. Here we go.

Uzi was lying on her belly, her face buried in the pillow. She wasn’t moving, and at a first glance, she looked as though she may be either asleep or dead. Unfortunately, she was neither.

“N, you asshole…” Uzi sniffled pitifully, bringing her face up so she could breathe. “You didn’t have to beat me that badly!”

The match was, to say the least, extremely one-sided.

It was like N knew her playstyle through and through. Each move she attempted to make was immediately countered, and before she knew it, her roughed-up character was tossed up high in the sky. Her wings had been heavily damaged, so she had no choice but to fall to her humiliating death.

Until she was saved.

By N.

In front of everyone.

As he held her in his character’s grip, he joyfully announced, “Looks like I win! Yay! You would have died there, otherwise.”

When she was let go, she wasn’t sure what to do. Everyone surrounding them was starting to overwhelm her with their teasing, and her stupid crush was making the situation a hundred times more embarrassing than it should have been.

With as much dignity as she could muster, Uzi left with a “gtg” and disappeared from the game and thus the livestream.

A few hours later, she was now here, lying facedown on her bed, and idiotically upset over losing a one-on-one with her crush.

“So unfair… Like, he’s my duo. Of course he was gonna beat me, he knows how I play! And he has the advantage over my feelings, damn it!”

Uzi sighed into her pillow, knowing that her lame excuses didn’t hide the fact that she lost. As she hugged the cushion, her face heated up slightly as her thoughts took a turn.

Why was he so cool though? Like, actually so unfair. How was I supposed to focus when he’s just that good at the game?

She groaned into her pillow. Not me fangirling. Oh, God. I’ve lost it. I’ve really lost it, huh?

On her knees, she did something she barely did anymore.

She prayed.

Please, take my romantic feelings away so that I may beat his ass into the dirt, instead. I know it was my crush on him that held me back.

At the lack of response, as well as the lack of change in her feelings, she exhaled wearily and collapsed onto her bed.

This crush is a curse.

At the ringtone of her Discord app, her mood, unexpectedly, perked up. She clutched at her chest, disliking the way her heart rate was picking up speed.

He just finished streaming, I think. He normally calls me afterward. It’s totally normal, no need to freak out about it.

When she picked up, she tried not to notice how her body instantly relaxed at the sound of his radiant, ecstatic voice.

“Uzi!”

Because, after all, she had a bone to pick with him.

“N…!”

Another week passed, and she was still feeling the same romantic feelings for him. That would make it now two weeks of having a silly crush on her silly friend.

It was all so silly.

For one, she knew nothing much about him except what he looked like and what he did for a living. Two, he knew almost everything about her except what she looked like. So, how did she gain a crush on him if she was the one with limited information? And why didn’t he like her back?

Uzi didn’t even want to consider the idea of him liking her back. There was really no way her impossible feelings were reciprocated. He was kind to everyone, which meant she wasn’t anything special—she was just, for some reason, a close friend he made online. She wasn’t sure what she would even do if her feelings were reciprocated. What was next? They date?

Her heart pounded at the thought.

Them… dating? Her dating N? Someone who was the most kind, sweet, wonderful, cute, and handsome person to ever exist? Her?

My thoughts are so jumbled and messed up, what the hell am I even thinking about right now?

Uzi slapped the side of her head a couple of times, hoping that would cure her. Unfortunately, it did not.

I hate this. I hate that I like him. Why did I have to like him? Why?!

She huffed, resting her head atop her hands. N’s stream was still live, playing in the background of her viscous thoughts. Despite having various games at her disposal that she could be playing, Uzi was stuck ruminating over her crush on N. She was constantly trying to convince herself that she didn’t like him or to stop liking him, but neither worked. Her crush remained, and so did all of its effects. Every night where they spent time together (which was, literally, every night), she was forced to stay up an extra thirty minutes just from the sheer adrenaline that resulted from her continuously realizing that she was spending nights alone with the person she liked.

She hated how happy it made her.

That he was spending time with her. Just the two of them.

Even though he’s doing it because we’re good friends… probably… Uzi ran her fingers anxiously through her hair. Ugh, crushes are confusing as hell.

Her gaze went back to his stream, watching his cute, little smile appear on camera.

She frowned.

Even though she hadn’t been giving her full attention to his stream, she noticed that something was… off.

At first, she thought she was imagining things.

It began with a joke that should have been made. A silly joke—something N would have said in a heartbeat. However…

He didn’t say it.

And she thought she was losing her mind thinking about this miniscule incident until he started showing more and more signs.

He didn’t laugh as much.

He didn’t talk as much.

He didn’t smile as much.

“As much” was relative, maybe it was even an exaggeration—he was still doing all these things, just… less. She couldn’t exactly describe it, and if she tried, she would sound like she was making a big deal out of nothing. No one else in the chat seemed to really mention it, but she didn’t need anyone else to notice for her to be sure.

She just knew.

So when the clock struck nine, and he bid his viewers goodbye, she pondered, What should I say? Should I say anything at all?

And Uzi never knew what to do in these situations. For starters, she never had the chance to run into these situations with her lack of friendships. N being her first friend was just pure luck, because he was always so full of sunshine and happiness that she never had to do much to cheer him up if he hit a bump in the road. He seemed to always bring himself back up, and act like nothing happened.

But he was like this the entire stream, and with every passing moment up to now, it appeared he wasn’t getting back up on his feet this time. So, she considered her options.

She could stay quiet. She could pretend she didn’t notice.

But her heart constricted with the thoughts of the person she liked suffering silently, because she knew what that felt like. There really was no debate—she knew what she was going to do.

When she called him, he answered almost immediately, his voice only half as cheery as it normally was.

“Hi, Uzi! You’re calling me this time? Yay!”

Uzi pursed her lips, disliking the way he was still putting up a front. It almost made her re-consider if she was truly perceiving him accurately, but with a gulp, she moved forward with resolve.

“Hey, N.” She brought her knees up on her chair, tucking her chin into them. “You… doing okay?”

“...Huh? Yeah! Why?”

“I don’t know.” She was feeling sillier by the second, but it never hurt to ask. “I’m just checking. You didn’t really, er, seem like yourself today, is all… but I mean, if I’m wrong, then you can ignore me.”

There was an abrupt bout of silence. She was beginning to get used to these, because it seemed that… when it came to N and his thoughts—his not-so happy ones—he needed to think on it first.

“That’s… Wow, Uzi! You really are amazing!”

“Thank you, but, uh, whyyy do you say that?”

“‘Cus you noticed.” He laughed awkwardly, “People don’t really notice.”

“Oh.” She wasn’t sure if she was supposed to feel happy for noticing or sad for being the only one. “That’s… kinda rough.”

“Right?”

She wasn’t very appreciative of him being so nonchalant about something like that, so she huffed, declaring, “Well, tough luck. I’ll always notice. So… now you can’t say that people don’t notice, because I will.”

This is sooo embarrassing. Why am I saying this? Why am I saying it like this? Ahhh! Despite her internal mortification, Uzi continued to jokingly threaten him, “Which means you can’t hide anymore, okay? Don’t even try! Or else!”

N chuckled, and she was relieved to hear that it was much more relaxed. “I won’t complain about a good time!”

“Oh, my God. You’re supposed to be scared.”

“I’m sorry… but you’re, like, at my ankles.”

This time, she felt anger spike as she actually threatened him. “N, you take that back, or I’m going to actually slap you—”

“Can’t slap me through a screen!” He teased, “I’m invincible!”

She seethed, “N!”

“Yes, Uzi?”

At his much brighter tone, she simmered down, registering that she was actually able to make him feel better. However, she realized that he had never even talked about what he was upset about in the first place.

Does it really matter anymore if he’s happy now? She wondered, If I ask, would that make him sad again? I was able to cheer him up this time, but… what if I can’t the next time? And if he’s sad because of something I said, then…

“Uzi?”

“N.”

“...Uzi?”

“N…”

He was audibly holding in a laugh. “Uzi…?”

She rolled her eyes. “N, damn it, what?”

“You disappeared for a second! And then you were just saying my name, so I thought we were communicating through our names.”

“You started it!” She accused, before asking, “Like… Pokémon?”

“Or reverse Pokémon? Not sure.” She could imagine him tilting his head as he inquired, “Where’d you go?”

She bit the inside of her cheek. He was always there for her, always making sure she was okay, always making sure that she would feel better. When she broke down, he built her back up. He really held her together in a way that she didn't believe he would ever understand. He meant more to her than he would ever know, but…

“Internet has been bad today. Dunno why.”

“Ohh, okay!”

Her feelings for him were not what he felt for her. While he supported her as a person because he was genuinely a nice human being, she cared about him because of how much he meant to her. With romance clouding her brain, she was no longer sure if she was caring about him as a friend or as a love interest. She wasn’t sure which one was which, and which one was better. She wondered if liking him meant that everything she did for him was now marked with romantic intent, and if each action she took meant she was inherently trying to get him to like her back.

Uzi winced, feeling like an even worse person now because of her crush. She didn’t want to dig into his personal business for her own purposes, whether intentional or not.

But leaving it alone… was that the right thing to do?

“You wanna watch Naruto?”

“Of course. I’ll stream it on my laptop.”

“Woo!”

At least, in this moment, she made him feel better.

Chapter 13: make sure to keep my distance

Chapter Text

The weather was changing.

She found herself checking her phone more, seeing how low the temperature would drop before she made the decision to wear more layers of clothing. Walking across campus was no longer preferable due to the chilly breeze—her pace would pick up, and she would start speed-walking to her classes. One night, a singular blanket wasn’t enough, and she would need to pull out a second, thicker one. She was even messing with the thermostat more, raising her apartment’s temperature up by a few degrees.

Uzi stared outside of her window, her chin in her hand.

It’s getting colder.

Although November had only just begun, she wondered if it was going to snow this year.

Suddenly, she imagined a scenario in which she and N were standing in the snow, watching it fall. They would be next to each other, close but not close enough to touch, and then they would spare glances at each other. They’d have reddened faces, and they wouldn’t know if it was from the cold or from their barely repressed feelings.

It was… intimate… and romantic.

She blanched.

Ugh, these romantic thoughts are going to be the end of me… Uzi pressed her fingers against her temples, rubbing it. As if I’m like some deranged, obsessed fan!

It wasn’t her first time running into romantic thoughts. She would often find herself daydreaming about silly scenarios where they’re romantically involved, and the setting always changed between in-person and online. These notions were heavily annoying, since they usually arrived unprompted and attacked her during lectures, while she was doing homework, while she was at work, and basically any time during the day no matter what she was doing. They were much more persistent before she was able to sleep, right after spending all night with him. It was a luxury to be able to fall asleep during their call, at this point. If they hung up any earlier, she would have to face the wrath of her own romantic thoughts.

The worst part about them is that they were basically teasing her about things that would never come to be.

She shook her head. Thinking about these things is so… damn unrealistic. I can’t even bring myself to want to meet him in real life.

Anxiety shot through her, making her chest constrict. Her skin tingled, until it began to sweat—her mouth became so dry that she had to swallow forcibly. Her heartbeat was pounding in her ears.

No, no, no. That’s not happening. I’m not even gonna consider it. Uzi ran her hand over her face. If I do, I might get too stressed out.

It’s not that she didn’t want to meet him in-person. If anything, that was one of her top fantasies.

It’s just that…

It was too much. It was too soon.

She lived most of her life in loneliness, anger, and sadness. Her sudden first friend became her even more abrupt first crush, yet she still barely understood what it meant to be a good friend, or a good person, for that matter. The physical distance between them helped her maintain emotional stability (most times), but if it was closed… she wouldn’t know what to do.

She wouldn’t know how to act.

She didn’t even want to think about how badly she would embarrass herself if they met. Not only her first friend and first crush, but also a famous streamer known by many, many, many people?

I really know how to pick them, huh? Uzi ran her fingers through her purple locks, watching it fall in front of her eyes. And he’s the nicest guy ever, so I’m never gonna know if he likes me or not unless he says it. Not that I—Ugh. Damn. Am I ever going to be ready to meet him in-person, or am I just wasting my time?

“So there’s this game that came out recently! I’ve been watching it all over YouTube and Twitch.” N said, his voice cutting through her thoughts. It appeared he was finished thanking his new donations and subscribers. “It’s called Lethal Company. It’s, like, a multiplayer horror sort of. I usually don’t like to play horror games, but it seems fun! We should play.”

Raising an eyebrow, she typed to him.

[darkXwolf17]: yeah, i saw it too

[darkXwolf17]: looks fun, i guess i’ll buy it

N chuckled. “I already got it for you!”

Uzi glared at his character, who was currently performing a “whoops, my bad” emote. I had no choice, then?

She asked him this in the in-game chat, and he only sent her a cheeky grin through the camera. His viewers were rabid, begging for them to switch games, and his viewer count was suddenly increasing in numbers. Uzi sighed in exasperation, but she also smiled fondly. Her heart was touched at the fact that he was already thinking about playing with her to the extent where he bought her the game. She would never decline a free game.

At his pout, she realized that he was still waiting for her response. Warmth swelled within her core.

[darkXwolf17]: kek uhhh thank u, let’s play it then

“Yay!” N cheered, “You hear that, friends? We’re gonna play Lethal Company! I’m so excited, hehehe!”

His chat, funnily enough, was spamming texts of “gremlin N?!” and the newest emoji added to his channel, which was a dark-colored wolf’s head, representing… her. She chuckled at his shocked expression, where he vehemently defended himself against their claims.

“I’m not getting corrupted, spoonsarecool! And Angela123, what do you mean I shouldn’t laugh like that?! Is it that bad?”

[darkXwolf17]: it’s not

[darkXwolf17]: it’s great

[darkXwolf17]: keep going hehehe

N stared at the camera, his face contorted with skepticism, before it transformed into indignation. “No, I’m not giggling like a maniac anymore. I’m apparently not good at sounding evil.”

[darkXwolf17]: should i be insulted?

“That wasn’t meant to be an insult to you! Your giggles are adorable, I told you that already!”

Her face burned with the heat of a thousand suns. She didn’t dare look at the rapid-scrolling chat that was surely filled with shipping and teasing and clips of what he just said and quickly typed instead.

[darkXwolf17]: alright just switch to lethal now please god

“Okay, okay, I’m getting off.” N closed out of Drones Online, a wide smile on his face. “Oh, man, this will be so good! I’m so excited.”

“darkXwolf17? darkXwolf17?!” N called out worriedly, his voice nearly hysterical, “Where did you go?! Are you still alive??”

[darkXwolf17]: BRO I’;M HERE SHGUT UP THER;S

Suddenly—horrifyingly—there were speedy thumping noises, and her screen became blurry and dark.

“Oh, sh*t, it spotted me!” She let out tiny, strangled screams as the monster started its hasty chase after her. N was running alongside her, screaming in fear, right until they hit the network of halls.

Before she knew it, they had split up. His screams had become fainter, until he was abruptly calling out her user ID once again.

But Uzi had no time to look for him. She didn’t even have time to type.

Damn it, if there was a good time to start talking, NOW WOULD BE GOOD!

The monster was still stomping its way after her, and while she was forced to slow down, the hostile creature had no sort of stamina to hold it back.

“Oh, God, I need to get away!” Uzi uttered a strange, gargled noise as she barely made it past a door into an unfortunately small room. She was breathing hard and fast, her heart pounding a hundred miles per minute. Squeezing her character as far as she could into the corner next to the door, she attempted to close the door behind her before the monster found her.

She couldn’t close it fast enough.

Uzi emitted a sharp shriek as the monster lunged itself at her, basically glitching through the now closed door. It began to attack her in the corner, leaving her nowhere to run.

N’s voice resounded from afar, quickly drawing closer. “darkXwolf17, I’m coming! I’m on my way!!”

As her character took its last breath, N finally arrived at the small room with a stop sign in his hand, immediately beating the monster to death.

“Get away from HER!!”

The monster had finally died after three hits, but it was too late. Her dead body laid alongside the monster’s, limp and bloody.

“DARKXWOLF17, NOOOO!!”

N let out a small sob and sniffled as he picked up her corpse. With a quiet voice, he was mourning her death as he carried her through the facility. He was exaggerating with his outward expressions, but she could tell he was genuinely distressed with his tone. Her screams had long turned into small giggles at his reaction to her death, feeling even more touched at the amount of emotion he was portraying in front of his viewers because of a silly multiplayer horror game.

What was a simple, ten dollar game had turned into hours of fun, despite the never-changing goal of pleasing the so-called company.

They were still learning the ropes, trying their best to gain knowledge about the game without resorting to internet searches or YouTube videos. Although it was a struggle to play virtually blind, it made for great content. His viewers were entertained endlessly, especially since Uzi and N had the unique situation of one player speaking while the other only typed.

When he finally made it back to the ship, he started their journey back into space and waited for her to revive.

[darkXwolf17]: LMAO that was so funny

“How?!” N whined, “I was traumatized!”

As he went off about how terrible it was to watch her die in front of him, she could only laugh uncontrollably to herself. Despite her best efforts, her body filled with joy and her face warmed hotly at his apparent grief.

He really cares too much. Uzi snickered, her heart fluttering. Ah, damn it, N is just too cute.

She felt… stuffy, to say the least.

It wasn’t her first time wearing “fancy” clothes. Her dad made her and her mother wear them whenever there was a business party to attend.

She learned later that it wasn’t “fancy” clothes, per se, but something called “business casual.”

Still, not her cup of tea.

Ugh, even my idioms are being influenced.

Uzi fixed her collar, tugging at it so it would stop choking her to death. She shot another flat smile at attendees that were passing by, just out of reflex. They didn’t even bother looking at her. Awkwardly, she stood there to the side, a soda can in one hand.

“‘It’ll be fun,’ he said,” Uzi mimicked, “‘You’ll fit right in,’ he said. Why do adults lie?”

She wasn’t sure if that was a question for her professor, everyone above the age eighteen, or herself.

Currently, on a late November Wednesday evening, she had been unfortunately coerced into attending a networking event for computer science majors. Despite being closer and closer to finals, and thus feeling the weight, pressure, and stress of impending exams, her professor found it abundantly important that she and others go to this event to really expand their connections in the field.

Her fellow Cool Coders were out and about in the large meeting hall, but she was stuck near the dining tables, wondering why the hell she was there in the first place. Talking to N and being able to talk more to her dad and acquaintances didn’t equal being able to walk up to a random employer and subtly beg for a job.

After a long, disgruntled groan, she downed a big gulp of her can of soda. With one of their fancy little napkins, she wiped her moistened lip and tossed the soda can away.

“Kak udivitel'no. I didn’t expect to see you here, Uzi.”

She whirled her head, surprise written all over her face.

“Doll?”

The Russian woman stood there, donned in a lovely knee-length dress. She crossed her arms, asking, “What?”

“What are you doing here??” Uzi gave her a once-over. “And whoa, who knew you could actually look nice?”

Doll looked unimpressed. “The same reason you’re here, I suppose.”

“You’re into computer science?”

“It wasn’t obvious?”

“N…No?” Uzi thought back briskly, recalling nothing about the other woman’s interests besides some games. “Not at all, honestly.”

“Ah, well, syurpriz. I like to code.” She brushed her hair behind her shoulder. “My school was advertising this event, so I thought, ‘A? Pochemu net?’”

“Well, that’s nice. I was kinda forced to go. Yay.” Uzi glanced at the other attendees, her disgust simmering in her gut. “I hate it so far.”

A small, sardonic smile appeared on Doll’s face. “Why? Because you can’t walk up to people and talk to them?”

Uzi scoffed.

Then she frowned.

“Yeah, basically.”

“Oh, you… zhalkaya devochka.” Doll shook her head, “Here, watch me.”

With nothing better to do, Uzi observed Doll ambled up to a conversation between another student and a man in an expensive-looking suit. She politely excused herself, before interjecting with a remark related to the topic they were discussing. The businessman seemed impressed, if his body language was anything to go by. He turned his attention to her, now ignoring the poor student he was originally speaking to. After a few minutes, Doll and the fancy man shook hands, exchanged cards—

She has a whole deck of business cards? What the hell?

—and separated. Doll made her way back to Uzi, her expression settled in her typical poker face.

“See? Not too bad.”

Uzi stared at her incredulously. “I have no idea what kinda black, cursed, voodoo magic you just performed to make that guy listen to you instantly.”

“I… spoke? And I spoke well? That’s it.” Doll gestured to the crowd. “Why don’t you try?”

“Uhhh, me?” Uzi pointed to herself, making Doll nod. The short-haired woman shook her head furiously. “No, nuh-uh. I’m definitely gonna embarrass myself, and my neutral status in the computer science world will plummet. So, yeah, no thanks.”

Doll only shrugged. “Suit yourself. I was only trying to help. Udachi.”

As she abruptly stalked away, Uzi muttered after her, “Yeah, weirdly enough. Thanks, I guess…”

And then, she was alone again. With a sigh, Uzi leaned against the wall and continued to watch the people around her converse with ease.

Watching silently was not something she was unfamiliar with. It was one of her most common pastimes throughout school, especially during elective classes like gym. It wasn’t her favorite, but it did its job—she didn’t have to talk to people, and most people knew not to talk to her. Especially back then.

But… back then was a different time and a different place.

Neither of which was now.

“You like—to watch? People?”

The voice was young and feminine, but her words were oddly stuttered, almost like a robot. Uzi turned, finding an adolescent girl standing next to her with her hands behind her back. Her hair was styled in a peculiar way, with long locks in front, framing her face, and short, choppy locks in the back.

Uzi respected the unique look.

“‘Like’ is a bold assumption.” She decided that staring at the backs of the guests was better than staring at this strange girl’s wide-eyed expression. “I do it because there’s nothing else to do.”

“Well, hehe, if you would like to… speak to someone, I am—here.”

Uzi looked at her and wondered if this girl had skipped a few grades, before shrugging and saying, “Okay, I guess. Do you like to code?”

“Ooh, yes—coding is fun. I do it all… the time.” She giggled in her palm, “Sometimes… too much. I will be stuck—in my room. My family will wonder… if I’m… still breathing, hehe.”

Uzi chuckled, too. Not because of the surprisingly morbid joke, but because of how nonchalantly she said it.

“That’s pretty funny. What have you made?”

“Lots!”

She pulled her laptop out of her shoulder bag and opened it up. Uzi scooted next to her, quietly following the younger girl’s explanations. Her words were becoming easier and easier to listen to, despite the initially confusing tone. Her work and projects, however, were quite incredible and very easy to digest. When she was younger, Uzi had never done as many projects as what this girl was doing, nor as complicated. The girl was a bit creepy in her stiff mannerisms and her all-consuming stare, but otherwise, made for decent company.

“Wow, that’s actually amazing.” Uzi arched an eyebrow at her. “How come you’re not the talk of this event? Employers should be kneeling at your feet.”

“Oh, hehe, well—” she scratched her cheek, “they think I’m… weird. I guess? I don’t know. I don’t really care, either.”

Uzi put her hands on her hips, clicking her tongue in disappointment. “Well, that’s pretty dumb. Your work is crazy good, uh…”

“Cyn.”

“Sorry?”

“My name. It’s Cyn.” She giggled, “You’re nice. And cool, I like—your outfit.”

She was neither of those things, but her face still burned unexpectedly at the compliment. Uzi looked down at her simple collared black knee-length dress and tugged open her trench coat, before brushing her choker with her fingers. “Oh, uh, thanks. Yours, too. I dig the hair.”

“Really? That’s my… first compliment—from someone besides my family.”

Oh. Uzi bit her cheek, surprised at the pity she was feeling. She waved her hand dismissively, “Cherish it, then.”

“I will!” Cyn tilted her head curiously, her wide eyes blinking. “Do you have something… to share?”

“Ah, me? I mean, I could show you.” Uzi pulled her laptop out, opening her portfolio of projects. They weren’t nearly as much or as impressive as Cyn’s, but they were still something to behold, if the young girl’s reaction was anything to go by.

“Those are—really neat!”

Uzi rubbed the back of her neck, about to dismiss her claim, until the host of the event began to announce in her microphone:

“Alright, everyone! Meet-and-greet session is ova’!” The short-haired woman began to point at the auditorium. “Make your way down to this room, here! We’ll begin our company presentations shortly.”

Oh, guess that’s it… Uzi was surprised at how much she enjoyed talking about coding with someone who equally enjoyed it as much as her. They packed away their laptops silently, and Uzi thrummed her fingers on her bag until she asked, “You, er, wanna sit together?”

Cyn blinked in surprise. “That would be nice. Unfortunately… I can’t. I sit somewhere—special.”

“Oh, really?” Uzi looked perplexed, questioning to herself what that meant, exactly. Cyn nodded. “Yes, big sister Tes would be worried.”

“Tes…? You mean Tessa? The host?” The daughter of the Elliots? Also, what? Big sister? Does that make her…?

“Affirmative.” Cyn smiled at her. “I wander often.”

Uzi gazed at her in astonishment. “Does your last name happen to be, uh, Elliot?”

“That’s what I write on my documents—so yes.”

Holy sh*t. Uzi froze. I’ve been talking to one of the sponsor’s daughters this entire time. What the actual hell?!

The Elliots were a large, large family-founded company that sponsored multiple technology-based fields, ranging from aerospace engineering to software programming. They were on par with JCJenson, a gigantic business-tech company that also often hosted networking events for computer science majors, as well as business majors. Tessa James Elliot was often the face of the Elliots—their spokesperson and widely known for her multiple talents, but Uzi had no idea they had another daughter named Cyn.

Do they just… hide her away? Uzi grimaced, Because she’s a little weird?

“Well, I must get going—it’s been a pleasure!” Cyn bowed, somewhat flimsily. “I hope to see you again!”

“You, too… dude.” Uzi responded awkwardly, waving goodbye to her as she strolled away. She was suddenly standing alone, again—the utter awe and disbelief had shaken her to her core.

“You good?”

Uzi jolted in place. The Russian woman’s voice had arrived out of nowhere.

Doll was eyeing her with mild concern but mostly apathy. Uzi rolled her eyes. “I’m fine. Just admiring this big ass building.”

“If you say so, strannaya devushka. Let’s head in, already.”

The two ended up walking side-by-side toward the auditorium, filing with the rest of the guests. Uzi couldn’t help but ask, “So, where have you been?”

“Oh, you know. Around.” Doll smirked at her, “Did you speak to anyone interesting?”

“Uh…” Uzi glanced forward, wondering if she would catch that strange girl again. “You could say that.”

Doll seemed bewildered by her reply, but Uzi gave no context. Once the two were seated in the crowd, it only took a few minutes before Tessa appeared on the stage, rolling into her introductory spiel. They were going to begin showcasing different tech companies and what they had to offer to students and upcoming graduates, but Uzi’s mind began to wander. Her thoughts were distracted, focusing on the things she had just learned from the person she just met.

Cyn is young and clearly gifted in programming. It’s like she speaks the languages of code fluently.

Uzi leaned over slightly and rested her head against her hand, tapping her cheek continuously.

Tessa is multi-talented and well-off. Everyone knows she dabbles in everything: cooking, fencing, shooting, and the list goes on. I mean, it makes sense, since she is able to afford all of those things.

And as her eyes trained on Tessa’s form on stage, something clicked.

Wait a goddamn minute…

Uzi gasped, eliciting a spooked reaction from Doll beside her. Ignoring Doll’s confused scowl, Uzi leaned forward, her face contorted with incredulity.

Those are his roommates. They fit those descriptions perfectly. There’s no way they’re not! They have got to be… N’s roommates…! And now I know all four of them…?!

Uzi slumped back in her seat, her mind clouded with the sudden realization of her crush’s personal life.

Man, what the hell? How have I seen all of his roommates, but… I still haven’t met him?

Her heart thumped in her chest. Her skin crawled with something unpleasant. Her chest tightened.

Ah. Right. That's why.

Uzi didn’t have much time to ruminate on N. With finals approaching as she finally made it to December, all she had time to think about was how she was going to pass all of her classes.

Not that she was failing, but she, unfortunately, had the tendency to be extreme in the things she achieved. She wasn’t a perfectionist per se, but she didn’t like to half-ass things when she had time and could put in the effort to do better. Except when it came to her biology class, that class could bite her for all she cared.

Occasionally, she would take a thirty minute break and play Lethal Company with N or watch a video with him. Otherwise, her days have been filled to the brim with studying. It made it easier to focus since her classmates liked to have big study groups in empty lecture halls, which she was unfortunately roped into because of Thad. At least there was free food and drinks provided, so she didn’t have to worry about starving. To her surprise, learning what other people knew and didn’t know helped her understand what she knew and didn’t know.

It was still a struggle to speak to people, and really, she was there as a listener, but the groups helped quite a bit.

N would check up on her way more throughout her last few days at school. He constantly asked her how she was doing, if she had eaten, if she had taken a break, and other things to make sure she was taking care of herself. He also sent her frequent reels for her to watch during five minute breaks, as well as supportive messages before and after each exam she took. Uzi wasn’t sure why, but N’s constant concern and encouragement provided fantastic energy boosts. She felt like she was motivated to accomplish anything with him cheering her on.

Is this the power of love they always talk about in anime?

Uzi chuckled to herself. Pulling up her last exam, she, along with the rest of her class, waited with bated breath for the password to be released on the screen. This would be her last exam of the semester.

Thank you, N.

And after a couple of hours, she was released.

Uzi stepped into the cold, winter air, breathing out a heavy sigh of relief.

I did it. First semester, f*cking done!

“LET’S GO!” Thad yelled beside her, causing her to jump. Their classmates were all cheering and celebrating, giving each other high-fives and praises. Small bits of chatter arose, talking about the questions, but Uzi droned them out. She didn’t want to think about school anymore. She didn’t even wanna be on campus anymore.

I wanna go home and play Lethal Company all night! Uzi looked up at the sky, her cheeks burning from the frosty breeze. With N!

“We did it, woo!”

“It’s finally over!”

“I’m going home, ugh, finally.”

“Me too.”

Same. Uzi pulled her beanie lower, attempting to shield her frost-bitten ears. It’s cold as sh*t out here.

Before she could step away from the mass of students, Thad called out to her, “Uzi!”

She turned to him, stopping in her tracks. “What is it?”

“I don’t think we’ll see each other for Christmas, but I got you something!” Thad grinned, digging into his backpack. “Also consider this as a late birthday gift, since you didn’t tell me about your birthday until after.”

“Uh, okay…?”

Uzi held her hand out, and he dropped the little gift bag in her hand. She looked into it, immediately spotting the Hot Topic gift card. She shot him a look.

“What? You seemed like the type!”

“I work there.”

“Oh,” he laughed, “see? I was right!”

She rolled her eyes and dug further into the bag. Pulling it out, a little wristband met her eyes.

“Is this…?”

“From N’s first convention sale? Yep!” He laughed again, “I was a broke kid, so all I could afford was that wristband and a shirt. But it was so cool to see him in-person for the first time! I had to buy something.”

I bet it was. She frowned. “Seems like this means a lot to you. You sure you wanna give it to me?”

“Yeah, dude! We’re friends, so of course.”

Uzi blinked, her body relaxing unexpectedly. What was more unexpected, however, was how differently she was feeling compared to whenever N had said it.

With Thad, it felt… actually platonic. He always tried to help her feel included, talked to her in a way that wasn’t persistent, and was decent company overall. It was nice that someone cared enough about her to have gifted her just because they were friends, that much she also gained from N. But with N, her mind and body swirled with so many desires that it confused her, and to some extent, made her somewhat shy and, embarrassingly, girly.

“Thanks, dude.” She punched his arm. “I appreciate this, but I didn’t think to get anything for you. My bad.”

“No worries! And don’t sweat it!” He shot her a thumbs-up. “I think I got a good idea of the type of person you are in these last few months, so I didn’t expect anything.”

“Wow, am I supposed to feel better after hearing that?”

Thad and her chuckled together. He waved her off, “No, I meant—don’t worry about owing me back or anything. It’s okay.”

I don’t feel like it’s okay for me to give nothing back, but…

She smiled, genuinely. “Thanks.”

“Anyway, I got a party tonight, but—”

She shot him another look.

“Yeah, I know, Uzi. Not a party animal! But just know that you’re always invited!”

“I’ll keep it in mind, Thad. Now can we please get out of this weather? I’m freezing my ass off.”

“For sure!”

The two of them exited the campus, saying their farewells. Uzi thought she would have a nice, quiet drive home until her phone began to ring near the end of her trip. Initially, she thought that N had called her in the middle of his usual streaming hours. That was, until she saw the caller’s ID.

With her eyes still on the road, she reached for her device. Answering her phone, she said, “Dad?”

“Hey, Uzi!” Khan greeted, “Today was your last day, right?”

“Uh, yep. It was.”

“That’s great news! Everything went okay?”

“Everything went fine. I mean, I think they did. Grades aren’t in until later, but I don’t think there’s much to worry about.”

“If you’re not worried, then neither am I!”

She chuckled awkwardly. “So, did you just call to say ‘good job’?”

“Ah, well! No, I actually wanted to ask you something, kiddo!”

She hummed with a questioning tune.

“Good news and bad news. Good news, first! I was able to get some time off on Christmas. Which means that, heh, we can go to the State Christmas Fair this year! Together, since we’ve moved closer to it now. Well, if you want to!”

The State Christmas Fair? That big festival with an even bigger tree? Uzi shrugged as she pulled into her driveway. “Sure, that sounds fine.”

Her lack of hesitation should have surprised her, but this was the first time her dad was asking to spend time with her outside of their respective homes. He usually never had the time.

Uzi guessed that a small, younger part of her didn’t want to miss this chance.

“Great!”

Uzi exited her car, making her way up to her apartment. “What’s the bad news, though?”

“Bad news is… well, I have a business trip after Christmas, and the flight is in the morning, so I’m basically forced to go home and sleep early so I don’t miss it.”

Oh, so he can't stay the whole time. Uzi frowned, a silent sigh escaping her, but she shook her head and responded, “That’s okay. Whatever time together we have would be nice.”

“Thank you for understanding!”

“Yeah,” she swallowed, “no problem.”

They exchanged a few more words before he had to hang up. Uzi’s thoughts began to twist and turn, anxiety crawling up her spine as she wondered if a day out with her dad would be as enjoyable as it would be bittersweet.

Her mind stopped cranking the moment her eyes laid on the large box at her doorstep.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

The box had scribbles of Christmas-related doodles and writing on it that said “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” all over it. She rushed over to it and inspected it, immediately knowing who it was from. With a few grunts, she dragged it through her door and had half a mind to call the streamer in the middle of his live broadcast. Grabbing a pair of scissors, she aggressively opened the package, revealing its contents.

N, you cute, rich bastard! When will you stop spoiling me with—

She gasped, and then screamed. Her neighbors would surely complain about her, so while she screamed like a lunatic, she kicked the door shut and began to jump in excitement.

Her brain shrieked ecstatically, NEW PC HARDWARE!! LOOK at that graphics card, holy sh*t!!

Pulling out her phone, she hastily texted N to mute his microphone. He did so with a few questioning texts, but ignoring his questions, she instantly called him.

N, I LO—

“Hello?! Uzi??”

“Oh, my God, N, you crazy, stupid, horrible, cute idiot, I got your gift!”

“...What did you—? I-I mean—You did? Yay!!” N laughed with relief and some bafflement. “You, uh, scared me for a moment! But I’m glad you’re so happy and excited, wow! Merry early Christmas!”

“Bite me! N, how many times did I tell you to not buy me expensive sh*t for Christmas??”

“Uhhh, a few times…?”

Despite rubbing her greedy hands all over the new hardware, she cried out, “So why?!”

“I wanted to! I knew you would like it, and it’s nice to see you happy, so I had to get it for you, hehe!”

Oh, my God, N! Uzi buried her face in the box, her heart soaring upward to the heavens. You make it so hard to not like you!

As she was drowning in her treasure trove of computer goodies, N was trying to make sure she wasn’t overdosing on dopamine.

“Uzi? Uzi! Come back!”

“Huh? What?” Uzi lifted her head out of the box, drool rolling down the corner of her lip. “Whazzat? I’m fine, leave me alone!”

He chuckled, asking, “So are you playing with me after you finish installing them?”

“Uh, duh! I gotta see how these bad boys run!” She giggled maniacally, nearly crazily. Her hands rubbed together in a villainous fashion. “Oh, it’ll be so good!”

“I’ll be waiting for you, then!”

“Yeah, yeah!” She flushed, trying not to pick up any nonexistent romantic implications in his tone, and replied, “Go back to your stream!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

Hurriedly, she bit out, “And, er, t-thank you! Very much! This is an amazing gift.”

“Anything for you, Uzi.”

“Okay, bye!” She hung up quickly before her excitement was overrun by her exponentially growing crush. She sighed, tossing her phone to the side. N always went all out with his gifts—not only were they expensive, they were considerate and thoughtful.

And yet, I still haven’t done anything for him in return.

Uzi bit her lip, feeling a wave of shame hit her, until she shook her head and stood up.

Maybe next time.

She moved the package to her room, her enthusiasm rebuilding.

Right now, I need to upgrade my computer!!

When Uzi arrived at the state fair, she didn’t expect the massive number of attendees. Even if it was Christmas Day, it seemed that tons of people wanted to spend it outside of the warmth of their homes. They filed in and out of the entrance, long lines and large groups of people causing a borderline jam.

She loitered near the entrance, watching the way her breath would turn into a soft, cold cloud in front of her. N had texted her earlier that he was going to be spending time with his roommates for Christmas, so he most likely wouldn’t have a lot of time to text her throughout the day. She convinced herself that was fine.

Because it was fine.

They weren’t close enough to spend Christmas together.

She told him she was going to spend it with her dad, so of course, he would spend it with his supposed family.

That makes sense.

So, why did her heart ache?

Uzi closed her eyes and controlled her breathing, until she heard her dad calling her name. At his voice, she looked up, seeing him wave for her. With an embarrassed smile, she waved back, making her way to him.

When they finally made their way inside, Uzi was nearly overwhelmed by the lights and the decor. Christmas-themed everything consumed her environment, and even the fake snow made it feel like they had entered an entirely new world.

It was weird to walk around the fair with her dad, since they had never gone to one when she was younger. Her family had lived too far away to attend, and her father was always busy with his work.

She wasn’t even sure what they were supposed to be doing.

For the first thirty minutes, they ambled around without direction. Both of them stumbled alongside the other.

And then, Khan pointed at a booth—a large pool of water with floating bowls. He suggested they try to win something there, and despite her look of disbelief, she obliged.

At first, it was embarrassing. She and her dad trying and failing to win a silly prize using bizarre fishing rods. But when she was actually able to secure one, Khan and her were equally excited and in awe. The prize, however, was a frog plushie. Uzi grimaced and handed it over to her dad, who only accepted it with grace and appreciation.

They played a few more booths, ones that were more competitive against other people than just about winning prizes. She was beating her dad at these games by a landslide, but he didn’t seem vexed—if anything, he was way happier than she was, despite being the loser in many of their matches.

There were, surprisingly, a few rides, too. There was a large space ship in the middle of the fair grounds, one that spun so fast that the people inside screamed like they were being murdered. Uzi hopped up and down, pointing at it almost childishly. Khan seemed less than excited, but he followed her, regardless.

When they eventually exited, they both looked like they had been thrown into a washing machine. The only difference was that Uzi looked unhinged, and Khan was throwing up in the nearby trash can. She was laughing profusely at him, but still patted his back reassuringly. They had tried a couple more rides afterward, none as exhilarating as the spinning disk of death.

When they got hungry, Khan bought her a giant turkey leg, claiming it was something his coworkers said that they had to try. She looked at the large, steaming leg of meat, then looked at him, as though her expression asked “how am I supposed to eat this?”

They ended up sharing it, alongside a delicious, powdery funnel cake. Uzi had never been so full in her life, but she somehow felt fuller when her and her dad were laughing nonsensically about how enormous the bone was. Once they finished, they located a bathroom and a sink, washing away the mess from their hands and face. Then, settling into each other’s pace, they began to meander the fairgrounds again.

And then, a timer went off.

She watched as he drew his phone out, his smile faltering.

Uzi blinked, as though her mind awakened fully. I guess it’s time.

Khan sighed, scratching the back of his neck. “Ah, Uzi, that was my timer. I—”

“I know.” Uzi interrupted, putting a hand up. She said simply, “No need to explain.”

As the traffic of people passed by them, she turned away with a bitter smile. “This was nice, I guess. Thanks for coming through.”

She wasn’t able to look at him anymore, but in the corner of her eye, she saw him pocket his phone with a sigh.

Suddenly, his arm was wrapped around her shoulder, pulling her into his puffy jacket. She blinked again, feeling the unshed tears sting her eyes from the cold.

“What… are you doing?”

“I’m giving you a hug, of course!”

“This is really embarrassing. There are people, you know.”

“That’s alright.” He hugged her tighter. “Life is short, kiddo. So… it’s alright.”

Her vision began to blur. Memories began to play in her head. Her emotionally distant father, usually unable to show his love for her. With the grief of losing Nori, he was unreachable. Not until he had time to process. Not until he had his own grief counseling, to understand that she held the same hurt he did.

Now, here he was.

Now, here they were.

Closer than ever.

Life is short.

She hugged him back, barely restraining her tears.

I loved Mom so much, and I didn’t get to say it enough. So, I love you, Dad.

Is what she wished she could say.

But she couldn’t.

Because even if life was short—her grief, her trauma, her pain were long and embedded in her.

Love scared her. It hurt her.

It scarred her.

And despite all of that, when he eventually left, she had never felt more alone in that moment.

The bright lights weren’t as annoying as she thought they’d be. The light chatter scattered throughout the crowd only added to the warm and joyful ambience. But, by her lonesome, everything felt colder and sadder.

As Uzi aimlessly wandered the fair, she pulled her hoodie over her head, feeling her exposed skin burn from the cold.

Her mind wandered, too, to distract her from the cold loneliness eating her up from the inside. She finally ruminated on the things that she couldn't for the past few weeks. Her thoughts ranged from here to there, but it was all centered around her crush. On N’s four roommates, wondering why he was living with such a particular batch in the first place.

Why is he living with two of the Elliot daughters? How does he know them?

She wondered if he had… personal connections with any of the three adult women. Her mind simmered, a somewhat twisted envy rested in her chest at the thought of N being surrounded by and accepting the advances of these women. She hoped that they were only like family.

Uzi hummed in thought, her gaze following a small family playing at a booth.

She wondered why Cyn called her roommates her family instead of her friends. It’s not like the Elliots would hide four extra siblings, right?

Uzi frowned. Right?

Cyn was young, so she probably thought of them as her family instead of just people who live with her. However… V also called J part of her family, which suggested that their roommate situation was a bit deeper than just five people living together. Yet, N never mentioned having siblings, only having roommates. But maybe he did consider them as family, since he seemed to take their opinions very seriously. Even if he didn’t outwardly call them his family, they seemed to act like one.

Uzi huffed, watching her breath dissipate in front of her.

Regardless of the nature of their ties, they were all very close. She understood that much.

And… Uzi wondered what that felt like.

The envy seemed to have taken root in her chest, plunging deeper and deeper. She gritted her teeth and kept walking.

And as she followed one side of the crowd…

…her mind and body wandering aimlessly, helplessly…

…she couldn’t help but do a double-take at the opposing traffic of people, because she thought she saw—

Her brain stopped, before it started again—sudden and rampant.

It began to describe the image to her, as though she could barely process it properly.

Fluffy, swept blond-silver hair…

Uzi froze in place, her breath caught in her throat, her heart skipping a beat. She narrowly avoided other people from bumping into her, ignoring the way they looked at her in concern.

She couldn’t believe it.

…and round golden-brown eyes.

Chapter 14: say "i love you" when you're not listening

Chapter Text

Uzi wavered at the entrance.

Up ahead… was a reality she could not face.

Her mother would be stiffly laid out in an ornate, cushioned casket. She would appear to be sleeping, but for as young as Uzi was, she knew that was not what her mother was doing.

“Uzi?”

She gulped.

The path ahead seemed long and torturous. All eyes would be on her, especially since she wasn’t in her position from the beginning. However, if the reality that laid at the end of this trek was just an utter slap in the face, then why take the journey at all?

“Uzi…?”

She felt her breathing begin to pick up. Her vision disoriented, making her blink rapidly.

Her eyes watered.

She didn’t understand what was happening.

“Uzi, hey.” A large hand placed itself on his shoulder, “Get it together, kiddo. Come on. You have to do this.”

I don’t want to.

“Your mother is waiting for us.”

I don’t want to.

“You can’t stand back here forever.”

I don’t want to.

“Let’s go, Uzi.”

And she reacted.

I DON’T WANT TO!

What she did that day still haunts her, sometimes.

Instead of sending her mother off with a fond, melancholic farewell, she never sent her away at all.

She sent herself away.

And Khan let her go.

Where?

In a corner, somewhere where she would sob and choke and scream for hours on end before Khan eventually found her to force her to her first counseling session. By then, the funeral was over, and it took her years to realize that she never got to see her mother’s face one last time before it was buried six feet under.

And, to keep herself from breaking down, Uzi would reason—

Why take a journey that ends in disappointment?

In a perfect world, she walks up to him.

“Huh—? Wait a minute! Are you… Uzi?!”

And he hugs her.

And she’ll be happy.

Uzi wants to introduce herself. It’s very formal of her, but since they had never met in-person, it felt like it was the right thing to do. Sure, N knows basically everything about her, and she knew next to nothing about him, but for some reason, she still wanted to walk up to him and say, “Hi! How are you? My name is…”

It was dumb. But… what else could she say? How would she say it?

Uzi watches him talk to a couple of young teenage girls, laughing with a hand awkwardly hanging off of the back of his neck. When they finally leave, his short-haired roommate, V, crosses her arms, apparently lecturing him. She catches some of her words, and she presumes the scolding was for him allowing his fans to disturb his evening out. He placates her with his hands up in surrender and an apologetic smile.

She wonders why her chest hurts slightly when they interact, as though this small scene paints the whole picture of their relationship. Their history is laid out in front of her, blurry and unclear, but she knows it’s long and rich with experiences.

She feels like a stranger.

In a perfect world, she walks up to him.

It takes her a moment, but she musters up her courage to poke his back.

“Huh?” He turns around. Then, after seeing her, he looks confused.

“Who are you?” He asks. She stares up at him, before finally saying, “It’s me, idiot.”

And then, he gasps, instantly recognizing her voice.

And he hugs her.

And she’ll be happy.

She doesn’t know why, but she starts following them.

She keeps her distance, but she’s always a few feet behind them, watching them. He and his roommates are a happy, little family, and it should make her smile, but instead she feels… empty.

Right now, she’s the stalker she always claimed she wasn’t.

Uzi watches them play fair games, just like how she and her dad did. J and V are competitive, but it’s the woman with the big bow and a space-themed windbreaker who wins. Her mind registers that it is Tessa in a more casual outfit, unlike the one she saw at the networking event or ones she sees in pictures. She watches them buy carnival food, Cyn and N both marveling at how large the turkey leg is.

She watches them, and wonders why she still is.

She wants to tell him how much she likes him. She wants to release all of the pent-up emotions she has been keeping under lock and key. He was always good at drawing her feelings out of her, and she supposed it didn’t stop even if they were face-to-face.

She wants him to know how much he means to her.

She wants him to know how much she appreciates him.

In a perfect world, she walks up to him.

“Hey, N.”

And his face morphs into surprise, before it breaks into the largest smile she has ever seen.

“Uzi! You’re here?!”

She laughs uneasily, her butterflies eating her up from the inside.

“Yeah, but I didn’t know you would be here—oof!”

And he hugs her.

And she’ll be happy.

It is snowing.

It has been snowing.

Instead of admiring the snowfall, she is lost in her thoughts.

Uzi is beyond herself, watching herself watch him. The scenarios that occur in her brain play out in the sky; she sees the imagery that appears in her mind and shrivels up in fear—in disgust.

Those emotions and desires, they’re a plague; she wishes they would leave her alone.

She wishes she could be numb.

She isn’t sure how long she has been trailing them. It could have been hours, now.

The cold nips at her nose, digging into her jacket and making her eyes painfully dry to the point that they water.

Uzi wonders how they don’t notice her, but an old, bitter part of her already knows the answer.

She has always been good at being nonexistent.

In a perfect world, she walks up to him.

She hugs him before he can react. He is shocked, asking who she is.

She doesn’t have to answer. A moment passes, then he knows, instinctively, that it’s her.

And he hugs her.

And she’ll be happy.

Uzi stared at them from across the large Christmas tree—the bright, blinding, colorful lights scattered throughout the tree attracted everyone’s attention, but not hers. Her gaze was pinned on the young man with fluffy, swept blond-silver hair and round golden-brown eyes.

He was laughing at something Tessa said, and she couldn’t help but think, His smile is nicer in real life.

Real life.

That’s where she was, right now.

Real life isn’t a perfect world. Uzi mused, And I’m far from a perfect person.

She wasn’t stuck behind a screen, a device, or a game; she was here, some distance away from the object of her affections, realizing how stupid she was.

How do I get a crush on someone I have never actually met?

Uzi wonders this as her heart skips a beat at his softened look toward the tree.

What’s wrong with me?

He has his hands tucked into the pockets of his trenchcoat, appearing frigid. She hated the part of her that wished she could be there to angrily help him keep them warm. She hated how her mind wanted to say, Where are your gloves? Your scarf? You don’t have any? Why didn’t you say so? I’ll buy you some!

She hated how she wanted to stand next to him.

Cyn points at something on the tree, yet no one notices but N; he follows her line of sight, nodding in approval. He humors her, like how an older brother would his little sibling, and the thought made Uzi’s chest constrict once again.

He really was kind.

I’m terrible. Always taking advantage of his kindness.

She stared as he grinned at something V said, his eyes light and affectionate.

He doesn’t need someone like me.

Her heart was beginning to hurt terribly.

He wouldn’t like someone like me.

Her brain was beginning to cloud; those awful, awful memories were overtaking her. In her head, all the rumors about her being a monster were right. She was barely a person.

I’m terrible. Right? How could I let myself fall in love with the first person who treated me nicely?

A tear streaked down her cheek, the line of wetness further burning her freezing cold face.

Love?

She let out a shuddering breath. The small cloud that exited her lips disappeared within a second.

This isn’t love, is it?

Uzi stole one more longing, fleeting glance, before she turned and quietly left.

Or maybe it is.

She weaved through the crowd of families, couples, and friends; her lone person made it easier for her to maneuver.

Since… it ends up always hurting like this.

N checked his phone again, once more frowning at the lack of response that he was receiving. With a sigh, he pocketed his phone, and looked at his roommates.

Cyn and Tessa were playing some game related to the ornaments on the tree, J was on a seemingly important business phone call, and V was…

What was V doing?

“V?”

She hummed, questioning.

“What are you looking at?”

N scanned in the direction that she was looking in, but he didn’t discover anything eye-catching.

V’s expression was intense, however, as though she was in deep thought.

“I saw something… interesting.”

“Like what?”

“Not sure.” She turned to him with a shrug, like the thought was already leaving her mind. N arched an eyebrow at her, but said nothing else.

As he looked up at the gigantic, beautiful Christmas tree, he wished that Uzi was here to see it.

N woke up, feeling groggier than usual. With closed eyes, he sleepily searched for his phone that was most likely around him somewhere on the bed.

When he finally found it, he squinted at the blearing light of his device.

Once again, no messages from Uzi.

With a heavy exhale, his arm dropped beside him, and he felt his body sink even lower into his mattress.

It’s been three days since she last texted him, which was on Christmas. Her last message only said “gonna be gone for a bit,” and while he asked her for a reason, she never came back to explain. Her status on Discord was set to “invisible,” so he never knew if she was on or not.

He hoped that she was okay.

He didn’t want to come off as desperate or creepy, but he missed her—he missed her a lot. He missed the way she would laugh evilly when she was doing something that would troll people or him, and the way that she would laugh genuinely at something she found hilarious. He missed how her voice would pitch itself higher when she was embarrassed or angry, and in general, he missed her voice. Her voice was hardened usually, most likely from her rough past, but he noticed that when she spoke to him, it softened; it was slight, but the change was there. And when she was sleepy—God, help him.

Her drowsy, sleepy voice was so precious, and very, very adorable. When she was audibly fighting slumber just to stay up and talk to him, his heart would squeeze, and his chest would swell.

He missed playing games with her, and watching anime and movies with her, and talking to her late at night when it was just the two of them focused on each other and nothing else.

He missed hearing the way she would talk about her past, her present, her future. He wanted so badly to be a part of it all.

She truly was everything.

Because—

“N, are you serious? You’re crying again? You gotta be stronger than that! You can’t cry all the time. It’s better if you just smile.Your happy face is nicer than your sad one.”

“You’re so weak and stupid, N. So f*cking useless. Sometimes, I wish you were left behind. You know that?”

“It’s okay, N. You don’t have to worry about anything, anymo’. Everything will be taken care of from now on. So… just don’t think abou’ it!”

“Big brother N, is there—something… you’re good at? Do you like… doing anything like—this? Anything… at all?”

—he was nothing.

N held his phone to his chest, while his other hand shielded his eyes from the morning sun.

I suck for falling in love with my first and only friend.

He let out another heavy sigh, his eyes stinging from unshed tears.

Now, she won’t even talk to me.

N bit his lip, hard enough to draw blood. The taste of iron was something he was used to; it was the only way to ensure he wasn’t letting any tears fall.

What did I do?

He sat up, causing his phone to fall into his lap. In his trembling hands, he held it, staring at the black screen.

I’m sorry, Uzi. Whatever I did. Just… talk to me again? Let me have it. Tell me what I did wrong. I’ll fix it.

But there was nothing in response.

N gritted his teeth, running his fingers through his hair, before he decided to give up for the morning. With a groan, he stood up from his bed and stretched; his joints were aching from his abnormally excessive immobility. He set out to complete his morning tasks, slow and steady.

When he finished, he opened his bedroom door slowly, making his way carefully down the stairs. At this time of the day, everyone was busy doing their own things, but V had been particularly critical of him lately, ever since he missed his first morning routine.

Since Uzi said she would be gone.

Since the last time Uzi messaged him.

Distracted by his thoughts, he missed the figure sitting at the kitchen table. He jolted at the sound of her clearing her throat. Bringing his eyes to hers, he felt a chill run down his spine at her analytical gaze. It seemed that her eyes were pinned on his newly-made lip injury, so tucked his lips inward in a sheepish, closed-mouth smile.

V remarked sharply, “You’re up late. Again.”

It’s still before nine. Not that late… is it?

He grinned awkwardly, saying, “Oh, I am? Biscuits! I must have really bad holiday sleepiness! I need to sleep earlier or something, haha…”

“Sure, and while you’re at it,” V pointed at him with her half-full coffee mug, “get out of whatever funk you’re in. It’s annoying as hell, even more than your usual personality.”

He blinked in surprise, his hands shooting up defensively. “I’m not in any funk! Just… woke up on the wrong side of the bed, you know?”

“Sure…” V replied, not at all convinced. “Like the last few days?”

“Er, yep!” N laughed uneasily, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. He was licking his lips constantly, inwardly shaming himself for not hiding his bite wound better.

She stared at him, her eyes boring into his disheveled appearance. Then, she looked down at the lukewarm liquid, before asking, “You wanna go out today?”

“Huh?”

“I said, ‘do you wanna’—”

“I-I heard you! I’m just… surprised, is all!” N smiled, much more genuinely, “We haven’t hung out in a while. Not since…”

He paused, unable to remember, which made V visibly uncomfortable. N frowned, Has it really been that long?

“I need to run an errand, anyway. I didn’t think you were doing anything this morning, so… I wanted to see if you wanted to come.”

“Sure! I’m up for anything.”

“I know, N.” V drank the rest of her coffee, before placing it next to the sink. She told him, “Get ready. We’re leaving in ten.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

N watched her walk past him, presumably to her room so she could get dressed. He struggled to keep the excited smile off of his face.

V and I are finally gonna hang out since the last time we hung out? Yay! He hurried back to his room to throw on some outdoor clothes. Pulling a hoodie over his head, he thought, I wonder what we’re gonna do. Oh, I’m so excited!

He basically vibrated in the passenger seat next to her as she drove them to… wherever she was driving them to. She glanced at him, her eyebrow arching, but she said nothing. There were tunes playing in the silence passing between them, and suddenly, a song came up that made N go, “Oooh, V! Do you remember this one?”

“Ugh, unfortunately.”

“Let’s sing it!” N suggested. Without waiting for a response, he began to sing along, knowing only half the lyrics to the classic pop song. V rolled her eyes at his antics, but decided to join him halfway through. He looked at her in astonishment, but didn’t stop singing. Neither of them did.

When they finally arrived at their destination, N was surprised at where they were. It was a mall, but not just any mall—it was the biggest mall in the state. He looked at V, who was already proceeding past him. Shaking himself out of his stupor, he pursued her.

“Uh, V?”

“What, N?”

“What are we doing here?”

She glanced at him. “I’m getting my nails done and a haircut. My hair has gotten too long for my liking.”

“But you drove half an hour just for that?” N questioned, “What about that nice salon near our place? You always go there!”

“I’m trying something different today.” V replied nonchalantly with a shrug, before pointing her finger at him. “I thought you were up for anything?”

“Uh, yeah!” N immediately answered, suddenly backing down with his questions. V shot him a skeptical look, before marching forward into the mall. Inside, it was way larger than how N remembered it being. He had only been here once or twice when he was younger, but being here now was still just as impressive. He trailed after V, who seemed to know where she was heading. Once the processes started, whether it was her hair or nails, N wasn’t sure what to do except idle about. Some passersby recognized him and asked him for a picture or an autograph, but otherwise, his time was spent on his phone or looking around.

After getting her hair and nails done, she looked like a fresh new V. She seemed much happier, a wide grin spreading along her face. N could only smile with her—if she was happy, so was he.

Right?

They took some time to eat at the food court, before getting up again to wander.

For some reason, N was fixated on the Hot Topic store.

He briefly remembered that Uzi never told him where she worked, but she worked at a place she liked. However, Hot Topic seemed like a store she would be drawn to. He chuckled to himself, imagining her working and dealing with angsty teens and confused parents.

But what if l… am right? N abruptly considered, And she’s there?

He took a step forward, before he remembered his promise.

She made me promise for a reason. She doesn’t want me to go looking for her, no matter how much I want to.

With a sigh, he turned—right into V’s unimpressed pose. He yelped, making her roll her eyes.

“Look, if you wanna go in and buy edgy anime sh*t so bad, then go in.”

He had a hard time explaining exactly why he had been staring at a Hot Topic of all places. “No, I—Um—”

“I know you like anime now, since your e-girl started you on it. Come on, let’s go.”

She took his wrist, dragging him across the mall floor to the store. N could have easily yanked himself away, despite V’s own monster strength, but he didn’t. He relaxed into her pull, his heart rate increasing significantly.

What if she’s here?

N gulped.

What should I say? What should I do?

“Ew, N.” V dropped his wrist like it was diseased. “Why are you getting sweaty?”

“No reason!” He quickly hid his hands in the pockets of his hoodie with a shaky grin. V shot him a look that screamed “literally so insanely suspicious” but she only huffed, before pivoting on her heel and looking around. He also examined the store, surprised at how relatively large it was, before sparing a glance at the registers.

It was a woman with long, indigo-colored hair.

He tried to recall if Uzi ever mentioned the length of her hair. He knew she colored it, but he didn’t know what color. N was racking his brain for some educated guesses until he heard his roommate say, “Doll?”

“V?”

Then, out of nowhere, tense, heavy silence.

N blinked, before he realized. He approached the cashier, standing next to V and asking, “Doll? From highschool?”

“And N, wow. Kak zabavno.” Doll bit out with a hiss, “Didn’t think I’d see the two of you hanging out together. You’re dating now, or something?”

V physically recoiled. “What—?! Ew, gross, no—!”

“Oh, definitely not!” N waved his hands around crazily, “She just had a change of heart after graduation! But we’re basically family!”

Doll gave them a blank stare and a nod, but then glared at V.

“I thought you would be in prison by now.”

“What gave you that idea?”

“For murder.” Doll shrugged, “You seemed like the kind of person who would.”

“Oh, Lizzy must have had a type, then.” V replied sardonically, making Doll glower at her. V smirked at her, saying, “You fit the image, too.”

N stood there as the two women fired insults and jeers at each other without hesitation. I know we weren’t that close in highschool, but what exactly did I miss??

“Ugh, whatever. Of course you would be working at this dingy, stupid, anime shop for stupid teens!”

Doll pointed out, “You said ‘stupid’ twice.”

“I know what I said!” V seethed, “Can’t do anything else with your life?”

N frowned, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Whoa, hey, remember you’re not supposed to—”

“Ugh, N, back off. I know. She can take it, though.”

Doll scoffed, “Says the provokatsionnaya zhenshchina who only knows how to flash her viewers for money.”

“I do not flash my viewers—!”

“Ooookay, I think we should go, so let’s, uh, do that.”

N tugged V away this time, but before they left, she shouted, “I know where you work, freak!”

“Same to you.”

V’s face contorted with confusion.

“Wait, what?”

Eventually, V and N left the mall an hour before noon, but not before stopping by a quaint coffee shop in the mall. By the time they made it home, he was humming happily to himself, his to-go cup in one hand and a pastry in the other.

V asked, “You actually like their coffee?”

“It’s delicious!” N replied joyfully, “And I love a good cream puff!”

V stuck her tongue out. “Bleh. Too sweet for me.”

N shrugged in a carefree manner, before he waved goodbye to her and began to head toward his room. He had only taken a couple of steps when she suddenly said, “It’s nicer to see you happy.”

I know. You have always told me.

He smiled.

“Thanks for the hangout!”

And after he ambled over to his bedroom, he shut the door behind him.

N sat in his chair, basically collapsing on it. He finished his cream puff and tossed the wrapper, before dusting his hands off and wiping his face with a napkin. After taking a sip of his delectable, sweet coffee, he let out a small exhale as the warmth of the liquid seeped into his core.

He checked his phone.

No messages.

N stared at the black monitor, his reflection gazing back at him.

He hummed. “That won’t do.”

And, once more, he smiled.

“That’s… better.”

And he turned on his computer.

Every New Year’s eve was the same thing.

The five siblings were reunited with their parents at the old family home for the famous New Year’s eve party. His four other roommates would be off doing their own thing. V and J would be in a bragging competition over who made more money that year. Tessa would be conversing with her parents about next year’s business plans. Cyn would be stuck at a table somewhere, coding like it was any other day. The servants would be milling about, cleaning, cooking, and entertaining the other important guests of the party. These guests didn’t care about any of the other children except the blood one—Tessa.

The crowd seemed to always follow her. N remembered when he was younger and more prone to hiding, he had wondered if it was nice to be so loved.

Now, being famous in his own right, he isn’t sure if it was “love” Tessa was bombarded with when it came to this crowd. At least his fans always showered him in praise, compliments, and adoration.

These pompous guests were always the same—rich, important, and famous—but N never remembered any of them.

He didn’t bother to get to know them, either. In these parties, he would wander about the ginormous mansion and remember all the spots he frequented as a child. The tall window sill he used to climb up to stare out of. The big room of paintings that their parents rarely visited, but he loved to lay down in the middle and imagine all sorts of stories. The marbled balcony with the prettiest view.

N would usually be lost in his memories, but his thoughts were focused on the present.

He still hadn’t heard anything from Uzi, and it was beginning to reflect in his work. He wasn’t as entertaining as he should be, and his viewers were starting to notice. They told him to take a break, to relax somewhere for a few days, and to come back when he was feeling better.

N sighed, uncaring that his suit was being wrinkled and dirtied by him laying on the floor. He stared up at the high, far-away ceiling, and wondered when he started to lose control of his emotions.

Maybe it was when he first started playing with Uzi.

Or maybe it was when they started watching anime together.

Or maybe it was when she accepted that they were friends.

Or maybe it was when she began to spill all of her secrets—all of the most vulnerable parts of herself. And, with her heart laid out atop of his hands, he felt that she should know some parts of him, too. So, whether she realized it or not, he was at his happiest when she was with him.

And, somewhere along the line, or maybe from the start, he knew she was someone special to him.

And, like a ton of bricks out of nowhere, he realized he was in love.

But regardless of his affection toward her, it was still difficult to share any parts of himself.

He wasn’t very interesting to begin with.

And his feelings never mattered, anyway.

“N?”

He turned his head, unable to even act surprised that V caught him in one of his usual spots.

“Fireworks are about to go off.” V told him, her voice somewhat quiet and careful, “You coming?”

In the dim lighting of the room, they could barely see each other’s expressions. But N felt like his visage was plain to see.

He declined with a small smile.

V didn’t argue. She only gave him a sympathetic look, before leaving him to his own devices.

N felt his smile strain.

I’m doing it again. I’m looking pitiful.

N sat up abruptly, then forced himself up on his feet. He roamed the empty halls, assuming that everyone was outside to watch the firework display. Even the maids and butlers had a chance to watch, despite having a designated area somewhat apart from the guests. As for him, he had a destination in mind; it was always the best place to watch beautiful things.

N found the familiar marbled balcony and pushed open the doors, stepping outside. It was chilly, and the breeze was somewhat strong, whipping his hair to and fro. He walked forward until he stopped at the railing, the full view of the expansive area always taking his breath away. He stared below, seeing the lines of attendees sitting or standing, waiting for the first rocket to be released. He stared below, and remembered all the times in his youth where he imagined taking the jump and sealing his fate.

The crowd began to scream.

“Five… four… three…”

His hand gripped the cold marble.

“Two… one…!!”

Then a whistle pierced through his memories, before an explosion rattled his thoughts.

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

He gazed at the cheerful mass of guests, then looked up at the everlasting night sky, watching the scintillating, colorful fireworks explode into a million embers. The sounds were thunderous, ringing in his ears, yet the vibrant colors were fleeting.

He slackened his grip.

N leaned over the railing, crossing his arms and feeling his heart tear. He watched the fireworks overtake the darkness, the bright lights engulfing everything in his view.

He knew—he knew—he couldn’t force Uzi to do anything she didn't want to. He had only ever wanted her to be comfortable and happy. If it was because of him, then that was a stroke to his own ego. But he believed that comfort and happiness were simply things that she deserved, regardless of where it came from. She had lived a long life full of grief, and there should only be good things awaiting her. If he wasn’t a “good thing”—if she didn’t need or want him anymore—then he should back down silently and respectfully.

However, a more terribly selfish part of him still existed—a tiny piece of him he always tried to bury deep inside.

He exhaled forlornly. His eyes moistened, slightly blurring the magnificent, vivid view of the fireworks.

N knew that he shouldn’t, yet he still wished with all of his aching heart that Uzi was there standing right next to him.

Chapter 15: hurt

Chapter Text

The stream ended with a click of a button.

In his dimly lit room, he sat there in his expensive chair, existing in abrupt silence. He craned his neck in one smooth, languid motion to stare blankly at the dark ceiling. His cheeks were hurting slightly, so raising his hands to his aching face, he massaged himself.

There was a faint grumble, and a small pang in his stomach.

And then, he remembered—he hadn’t eaten today.

With a sigh, he stood up from his chair and headed downstairs. The smell of seasoned meat cooked in spices and cream made his stomach rumble even more. Making it to the entryway of the kitchen, he immediately locked eyes with Tessa, who was sitting down at the table.

She seemed surprised to see him.

“N!” Tessa put her phone down, showing him a concerned smile. “You’re finally out of your room. I was starting to think that you’re becoming like Cyn, now.”

“Ah…” N rubbed the back of his neck. “Heh, yeah, maybe! Just been busy getting back into the groove of things after I didn’t stream for Christmas and New Year’s.”

She made an expression that appeared unconvinced, but still, she said, “Oh, I gotcha.”

Then, silence.

He ambled over to the stove after grabbing a plate. As he was putting food onto his plate, Tessa asked, “So… are you gonna eat in your room again?”

N couldn’t look at her. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, uh, you have been doing that… fo’ a while now.”

He finished grabbing his portion of dinner. It wasn’t a whole lot; just enough to fill at least half of his plate. Tessa was looking at it with worry.

N was ready to head back inside his room. He shrugged. “Well, I usually do, don’t I?”

“While you’re streaming, sure…”

“I must be losing track of time these days. Oops. All good.”

N pivoted on his heel, prepared to walk away. However, Tessa quickly questioned, “Why don’t you eat here, N? With me?”

He didn’t reply. He didn’t even turn his head.

Tessa swallowed. “You used to love family dinners.”

Visibly, he slackened. His shoulders dropped, and with a quiet sigh, he turned and trudged to the table. He sat in the seat across from her, his eyes pinned to his dinner plate. As he began to eat, he saw Tessa smile affectionately at him in the corner of his eye.

“N?”

“Mm?” With a mouthful, he glanced up at her. She was looking at him in a way that made him feel like a child once more.

“How have you been?”

Suddenly, he was feeling a lot more tense than before. He swallowed, tilting his neck to the side in an effort to crack it. The relief did not come to him.

“I’ve been okay.”

“Just okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure, N?”

“...Yeah.”

She shifted in her seat, uncomfortable. Her fingers were fiddling with each other on the table, further displaying her nervousness.

“We have… been noticing that you aren’t as okay as you say you are.”

N stayed silent.

“I know that… before, a few years back, you said you didn’t need it, but N… resources are available. I can still get you in contact with someone who can help—”

“It’s fine, Tessa. I’m okay.” N sighed, putting his utensils down. Suddenly, he wasn’t as hungry as before. “I’m okay, but… I’m sorry that I’ve been worrying you. That I’ve been worrying everyone. I didn’t mean to. I just needed space.”

“N, we’re here for you, you know?” Tessa stood up, carefully making her way over to him. “You don’t need to face this alone.”

I always have, though. N bit the inside of his cheek. That’s always how it’s been.

“I know you guys are. I am really thankful for that.” N mustered up a small, genuine smile for her. “You’re the best sorta-siblings that I could ask for.”

“Aw, N! My favorite lil’ boy…” Without warning, Tessa gave him a tight hug. He had always loved Tessa’s hugs. Usually, they were warm and encompassing, like how he imagined a mother’s hug would feel, but at the moment…

It felt smothering.

He chuckled awkwardly. “I’m not a boy anymore.”

“Gah! So true.” She rested her head in the crook of his neck. “But… I still see you as my cute, small, new little brother, standing there behind the two scarier-looking little girls. But even when you were so frightened… you were so curious and excited.”

He was surprised that she still viewed him that way, even up to now. Initially, he felt disgruntled by the thought, but he swiftly realized that she wasn’t saying it out of malice. She was only telling him that she still cared about him, even if he was no longer the little boy she first met.

Eventually, N hugged her back.

“I remember how surprised you looked when Cyn popped out from behind me. Your face was really funny.”

“Crikey, she gave me quite a scare!”

He laughed again, but this time, sincerely. “She still does that, sometimes. Pops out of nowhere. She’s so stealthy.”

“We need to get ‘er a bell, for sure.”

“You think so?”

“For our sake!”

They giggled together, discussing briefly what kind of bell Cyn would look the best with. When a lull entered their conversation once again, Tessa took the seat next to N, alternating her gaze between him, her hands, and the wall behind him. Then, after a deep inhale, she shot him an inquiry.

“You wanna talk about it, N?”

He tapped the table; his fingers thrummed rhythmically along the wood.

“Not really.” He tried to play it off, “It’s kinda silly?”

“Oh, N, you’re always full of sillies. Let me have it!”

“Well…” he rested his cheek on his hand, “my online friend, Uzi… she kinda… stopped talking to me.”

“Oh, right,” Tessa nodded, “V mentioned that that’s probably what’s going on with you.”

He was taken aback. “She did?”

“She did. She had a guess a while back, and then told us recently when you weren’t… cheering up.”

N furrowed his eyebrows. “How did she guess that?”

“Er…” Tessa tapped her chin in thought, “that’s a good question. I’m not sure how she guessed that, to be frank.”

“Huh… okay. But, uhh, anyway, yeah.” N laughed uneasily, his hand coming to rest on the back of his neck. “She stopped talking to me on Christmas—”

“Yikes, more than a week? That long?”

He was becoming more and more ashamed. “Yeah, that long.”

“Do you know why?”

N sighed, and Tessa flinched, like she knew that she hit a sore spot.

“No, I have no idea.” N perched his head onto both hands now, giving a faraway look toward the window. He began to ramble, “I don’t know what I might have said or done for her to stop talking to me. I’ve been trying to ask her because I just really don’t know. She hasn’t blocked me or anything, but she doesn’t respond to any of my calls or texts, and she keeps her status ‘invisible’ so I don’t know if she’s on or not. And I—”

He choked.

Tessa watched as he turned his head. After a moment, he said in a weak voice, “I miss her. But I don’t want to bother her, so if this is what she wants, then I don’t want to force her to change her mind.”

She didn’t say anything. N felt her hand hover over his back; she probably wanted to stroke it comfortingly, hoping that would provide some solace, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be touched in this very vulnerable moment.

He never did.

She lowered her hand, and instead said, “N, expressing yourself is not the same as forcing her. She should know how you’re feeling because of what she’s doing. Even if it bothers her, she needs to know, because you were bothered first with what she did. If she really cares for you, then she’ll give you a propa’ explanation… or a goodbye.”

N considered her words as he turned his body slightly back to her. He caught her sympathetic stare, then looked down at the floor.

Confrontations always turn out bad, though. N soaked in the silence, ignoring the way Tessa’s gaze was burning into his head. His mind began to swirl with memories of back then, when he followed J’s every whim, and sought to impress her and V as much as possible. When he began to bury his own wants, desires, frustrations, vexations, anger, or any feeling that made living with his sorta-siblings less bearable. When a smile on his face was the only passing expression that would come without intense backlash or terrifying rage.

The front door swung open.

Both Tessa and N switched their attention to the entrance, hearing the faint conversation between the two newcomers. Tessa noted, “Seems like V and J are home.”

Speaking of the two, they made their way to the doorway of the kitchen, immediately pausing at the sight of Tessa and N at the dinner table. J groaned, as though them being there was an inconvenience, and went for painkillers and a glass of water. V only rolled her eyes at her dramatics, then scanned N’s homely appearance.

Tessa asked, “Where have you two been?”

J downed the painkillers, before she nonchalantly replied, “V said she was going to the biggest mall in the state, so I wanted to come to shop for stuff. Maybe get my hair and nails done, I don’t know, I was feeling nice. But then…!”

She slammed her empty cup on the counter, startling N. “I didn’t know we were going to do boring stalker work there.”

V whipped her focus back at her, her eyes like sharp daggers. “J, shut up.”

Tessa arched an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“V is trying to be a detective.” J snorted, resuming her retelling of their day. “That’s funny, right? After doing nothing with her life, she wants to be a detective or something. So dumb.”

“J.” V stepped closer, one threatening stomp that reverberated in the kitchen. “You’re not supposed to talk about it.”

“About what?” N became curious, his gaze switching between the two women standing up; one was tense and crossing her arms, and the other was lackadaisical. The pressure in the room was soaring, and so, he defaulted to humor—he joked slightly with a tiny smile, “You guys are being really cryptic, which is saying something, since you always call me the bad liar!”

V looked at him with such a distressed expression that his smile faltered instantly. J couldn’t help herself—she grinned sardonically.

V started, “N—”

“N, you wanna know what V has been up to?” J rolled her shoulders back as she approached him, interrupting the other woman. N swallowed hard, the memories from earlier coming back with a vengeance. He nearly flinched when she rose her hand to make a gesture, “She went to the mall to talk to this random girl who works at Hot Topic—”

“J, shut up—”

Tessa was confused. “Hot Topic?”

The gears were turning in N’s head, and he remembered that Hot Topic—the one where Doll worked. But J would have said “Doll,” not imply that it was some random girl. So why was V—?

“—and has been trying all day to find out her name because she thinks that it’s Uzi.” J finished with a harrumph, crossing her arms decisively. N blinked, unable to process what she just revealed to him. V seethed, “Why the hell did you tell him?!”

“Why does it matter? You weren’t able to confirm it. You just think that it is.”

“Because it probably is! I just need more time, but you didn’t have to tell him—”

“What’s the point in keeping it a secret, V? You want her for yourself?” J snickered, “So typical of you. You haven’t changed since highschool, huh?”

V bared her teeth, her face contorting with fury. “Shut the f*ck up, you’ve been the same asshole since we were kids, so you have no say—”

“Okay, okay, back to the topic at hand.” Tessa stood up, her palms facing outward as a suggestion for peace. “Why are you guys trying to find Uzi? Why wouldn't you tell N?”

V crumpled slightly. “I didn’t want to waste his time if I was wrong, so I had to confirm first—”

J made a noise of disgust, placing her hands on her hips now. “Because he’s a big crybaby who can’t handle the truth that his e-girl probably doesn’t exist and that it was an old man this whole time.”

Infuriated, V ran her hands over her face and uttered, “J, goddamnit, can you just—”

“I don’t understand why you’re trying so hard to confirm that this is Uzi, anyway! You don’t see N looking for her, so he clearly gave up on her. Even if he’s depressed about it now, he knows that, deep down, he got played like a f*cking fool!” J raised her voice gradually as she snarked back at the other tall woman. V stomped closer, abruptly yelling in a frustrated attempt to be listened to, “Clearly, N and her had some sort of agreement, so he isn’t looking for her! That’s why I’m looking for her FOR N!”

There was silence.

N felt his heartbeat picking up alarmingly. Dread began to pool in his stomach as his fists clenched.

Please. Just leave this alone. It’s okay.

Then, J scoffed, “What happens if you find out she’s real? It doesn’t erase the sh*t she pulled. You want him to be lead on more? That girl obviously took what she could from him then ran off.”

N shot his head upward, staring incredulously at J’s haughty stance. Tessa approached the arrogant woman, her hand coming to rest on her shoulder as she said, “J, you can’t say—I mean, N already told us—”

J fumed, brushing the other woman’s hand off of her shoulder. “Right, like we’re supposed to trust whatever this lovesick fool says about a person he has never met in real life.”

She gestured to V and Tessa. “Come on, you guys should be able to think more logically than him! He’s obviously biased. Why would anyone in their right mind send all those expensive things? I even thought that N was better than that, but apparently not! He’s the complete idiot I always knew he was. I bet she begged and bribed him for it, and he fell right for her honeytrap.”

V tried to defend him, “N said she didn’t—”

J groaned, throwing her hands up. “I don’t care what N said! His opinion doesn’t matter here!”

It never has.

V hissed, stepping forward until they were face-to-face. “Yes, it does.”

It’s okay, V. It doesn’t. It hasn’t.

“V, he loves someone who doesn’t like him enough to show her face. Again, his opinion doesn't matter because he isn’t thinking.” J explained matter-of-factly, “The fact he even fell in love like that is so pathetically N.”

Right… I am pathetic. She’s always thought that way of me.

J waved her hand around. “I bet the only thing she did for him was show her tit* or something. Like a whor*—”

Screech.

Before V could interject, before Tessa could say anything, someone else did.

N was standing now; his body was tense. He was looking at J, but he was blinking profusely, and his eyes would switch between her and the floor, like he couldn’t keep his gaze steady enough.

“J,” he declared with a pitifully shaky tone, “do not… call her that. You… You don’t get to call her that.”

“Oh?” J crossed her arms, her hip tutting to the side. “Why? Because ‘I don’t know her like you do’? Ugh, grow the f*ck up, N, and open your eyes, already. She’s probably a lousy, sh*tty, gold-digging, good-for-nothing—”

Suddenly, he was moving.

Or, more like, he was trying to move, but he was being held back—by Tessa. And V was standing between them, pushing against his chest.

“N, it’s okay, you’re a’right—!”

“Calm down, N, she’s just saying stupid sh*t again—!” V was looking at him directly as her palms pressed against his chest, her eyes searching his own for a connection, but all he could see was red. “You’ve never let it get to you before, so don’t let it get to you now!”

But N could barely hear them over his own pounding, heavy heart. He had never felt such rage before in his life. Not when J hit him, offended him, forgot him, turned V against him, or generally treated him like trash. Anger was a foreign feeling he buried his entire life, but the jeers she was making about Uzi…

It will not stand.

J was snickering, taunting him further with carefree motions. “You wanna fight, N? What’s so different this time compared to the other times I talked sh*t about her? Did I hit a nerve after she finally ‘dumped’ you? Will hitting me make you feel better after I insulted your stupid, imaginary girlfriend?”

“J!” V shouted angrily, snapping her head around, “Seriously, shut the hell up, or I’m turning around and beating your ass for him!”

“Ugh, V,” J rolled her eyes again, “someone has to talk some sense into him, or he’ll never learn!”

“J, please, that’s enough.” Tessa pleaded, which made J frown as she only replied with a mumble. “Not you, too.”

“You can turn around, N.” V told him in a softer tone, “You always have. You don’t have to be like her. You don’t have to be like me. You’re different from us. You’re better.”

That’s where you’re wrong, V.

“He’s a sack of useless sh*t, V, and you shouldn’t be encouraging worthless behavior.” J shook her head, disappointingly, condescendingly. “I hope that girl is actually f*cking dead or something, so he can finally move on and do something better with his life—”

I’m not better than you. I’m not different.

With a harsh yank, Tessa’s hold on his arm slipped. He marched forward, pushing V to the side with more force than intended.

All I really know is violence.

And before he even knew what he was doing, his fist connected with her face.

“sh*t!” J hissed, immediately clutching at her face. Her eyes were wide with shock as he attempted to try again, but V had recovered quickly, and was holding him back firmly. J gasped, stuttering out a string of curses. “N, you motherf*cker… what the f*ck do you think you’re doing?!”

Violence toward himself was normal.

Because I wasn’t the only one who hated myself.

Violence toward her… that was new.

Because Uzi doesn’t need that, too.

N stood over her with his fist shaking, but with his eyes hard and his voice steely. “Never talk about her like that again. She’s… She’s a person—an amazing, beautiful person—who is way better than me in every way, and deserves way more respect. She doesn’t deserve the garbage coming out of your mouth.”

J was flabbergasted, and she made her own movement toward N, but Tessa ran over to her and placed both hands on her shoulder. Despite the barrier, J began to bark at him, “You’ll defend her even when she literally dropped you like you don’t exist? Hurt you and broke your heart? You’ve been depressed as hell because of her, N! Are you out of your f*cking mind?”

“I don’t care what she does to me!” He argued vehemently, despite V holding him in place. “I still love her!”

“And that’s why this is so absolutely f*cked!” J shrieked at him, making Tessa struggle harder against her push. “You love someone who LEFT YOU!”

“She’s STILL BETTER THAN YOU!” N screamed back. Shocked and terrified expressions greeted him instantly—seeing them on V and Tessa made his heart twist painfully. He heaved and took a deep breath, immediately reeling in all of the horrible, ghastly things that came forth all at once. All of the pent-up emotions that wanted to spill from his mouth. All of the hatred and anger and sadness that had built up over the years.

He restrained them, and with an exhale, he felt them no longer—they were barely a buzz in the back of his brain.

Tessa turned from N, her quivering hand grazing the developing bruise. “We need to ice that, J. It’ll swell—bad.”

N watched as Tessa tended to J’s blooming injury, and saw V stare at him like he was a completely different person.

Without a moment’s notice, he left the kitchen.

He saw V’s hand reach out, but she ended up keeping it to herself.

As he trekked up the stairs, he felt the adrenaline still kicking in every system in his body. His heart was still pumping, and his hands were shaking, but he hoped that regret wouldn’t kick him too hard in the butt later. N strode to his room, wanting to lock his door and forget about the outside for a few days, weeks, months—even years would be nice.

“Big brother N?”

The small voice spooked him out of his daze. Turning to the source, he found himself staring into the wide, frightened eyes of the youngest in their so-called family.

“Cyn…” N approached her carefully, his body visibly decreasing in tension. He hoped that would calm her down. “What’s wrong?”

She seemed less scared, but awfully worried.

“Why are you—all fighting?”

N wasn’t sure why he was trying to fool a young genius, but still, he played ignorant. “What do you mean?”

“The sounds downstairs—the screaming, yelling, insults… and the hitting.”

N winced. “Oh… that? No reason.”

“It didn’t sound… like no reason.”

“I—” N pursed his lips, before he admitted, “I messed up. I did something I probably shouldn’t have done. I’m just… I’m glad you didn’t see that.”

“Why?”

“Well, I still want to be your big brother.” N told her, caressing her head. He gave her a tender smile. “Not just ‘N’ like how you say ‘J’ or ‘V’, because I don’t… want you to see me differently.”

Even though the person you see might not really be me. And now it’s getting harder and harder to hide.

To his surprise, Cyn hugged him. He was astonished for a moment, before he gently hugged her back.

“Don’t worry, big brother N.” Cyn patted him awkwardly, almost robotically. To him, it was endearing. “You will always be. Even if… you don’t think so.”

He chuckled, stroking her head.

“Thanks, Cyn.”

In the morning, N was stuck in his bed.

Dinner with Tessa, the confrontation with J and V, the short conversation he had with Cyn… they all replayed in his head. He felt like he barely got any sleep because of it. If he did manage to sleep last night, those memories haunted him in his dreams.

He had pretended to be someone else for so long, he wasn’t sure if the way he portrayed himself to the world was fake or not anymore.

He liked being happy. He liked to make other people happy.

He liked to make Uzi happy.

But when it came to other emotions, they were difficult to express. Instead, they would be replaced with a smile.

Because…

V always said he looked better smiling.

J never bothered him if he was smiling.

Cyn felt better if he was smiling.

Tessa smiled if he was smiling.

And they never knew what to do if he wasn’t smiling.

He didn’t blame them. He wasn’t used to not smiling, either.

And this situation—where the love of his life was, for some unknown reason, not talking to him—was impacting him way harsher than he would have ever expected. It was impossible now to fake a smile. Even when he was streaming, he had to play the funnest games just to produce a sliver of his usual entertainment. He was emitting such a terrible, depressing aura that he wasn’t surprised that his roommates had no idea how to handle him. He wasn’t making it easier on them, either.

He was just used to not talking about it.

N turned on his side, remembering his deep conversations with Uzi. When she revealed to him all of the terrible things that happened to her. When she talked to him about her relationships with her dad, with her classmates, with her coworkers—how they were slowly and steadily improving, and he had a slight feeling it was because she started opening up to him. N smiled fondly, remembering Uzi telling him all of the fun, hot gossip that happened weekly, or when she would gush about her favorites, whether it was food, shows, snacks, clothes or anything else; it didn’t matter, because if she loved it, then talking about it made her happy.

Uzi, in his eyes, was truly incredible—even if she suffered most of her life, she still persevered and aimed to do the things she wanted to do. She still allowed herself to slowly come out of her shell and connect with people. She still took pleasure in indulging in her favorites, and seemingly never had the belief that she didn’t deserve them.

He hoped she knew that anything she liked, she should have. It was one of the reasons he loved sending her presents, after all.

N, on the other hand, had found one simple, easy-to-do thing that made him happy—one thing that was also tolerated by his sorta-siblings, and had held onto it like his life depended on it.

He closed his eyes.

“This is called a video game,” A young adolescent Tessa introduced to him. She stood up, allowing him to climb onto the chair. His hands timidly brushed over the controls. However, he was too astounded by the vivid graphics to be embarrassed about not knowing what he was doing. She told him how to play, thoroughly explaining each control, which he absorbed wholeheartedly. When he began to play, enthusiasm barely contained itself within his small body.

Tessa giggled, “Isn’t it fun?”

Fun?

N stopped, releasing his hands from the controls.

Tessa frowned. “What’s wrong?”

He poked his fingers together, shy. Then, he mumbled, “J says I’m not allowed to have fun. We can’t afford it.”

“Oh… N.” Tessa hugged him close. “That’s not true, anymore. You can do anything you want to from now on. You can play as much as you want, even.”

He looked up at her with shiny eyes. “Really?”

“Yeah! And you know?” She smiled at him, “Some people even make a living with video games. They show other people how they play, and share their happiness with them.”

“Oh, wow…” N blinked at the video game, his little heart fluttering happily. “I wanna do that!”

His hands went to cover his mouth immediately. He looked up at Tessa, fear written all over his young face.

Tessa gently peeled the hands away from his mouth, and with a sorrowful smile, she said, “Like I said: if you want to do it, N, then you can.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“Is there anything else you want?”

N looked up in thought. There were many things he wanted before. There were many things he wanted even up to now. He had wanted a dog, he had wanted to be a veterinarian, he wanted to go to school, he wanted to see what being a teacher was like, he wanted to know what a plane was like, he wanted to know how to fly.

N shook his head.

“No, I like playing.” He smiled at Tessa, his legs swinging. “So I’ll just do this.”

After some time, N got up from his bed, and set out to complete his morning tasks. When he finally headed downstairs, he fully expected everyone to be busy doing their own things, but to his horrifying confusion, J was sitting there at the table. V and Tessa were also there by the side, but N couldn’t bring himself to look away from the large, dark-purple bruise on J’s cheek.

“N,” V started first, “J was definitely being a bitch last night, and she deserved the hit she got, but… I know you won’t be feeling good walking around with the discussion unresolved, so… go at it.”

Tessa put her hands together. “And we already spoke to J—we spoke to her for a very long time, so she shouldn’t be saying anything… unfavorable, anymore.”

“Um,” N looked very uncomfortable, “I’m not sure about this, guys.”

V snorted as she passed by him. She tapped his shoulder. “That’s what happens when you get in fights. If you really want to save a relationship, then you make up.”

Once V left, Tessa walked up to him next, giving him a comforting smile. “We’re not mad at you, N. But… to be honest, we were scared.”

N swallowed hard, feeling the guilt and shame consume him. At his downcast look, she ruffled his hair and chuckled at his indignance.

“I was scared for you, N. You’re a fun, wonderful ray of sunshine, and seeing you that hurt and angry and sad… it’s heartbreaking. We’re only looking out for you. Even J, in her own way.”

He glanced at J, who only scoffed as she turned her head, her arms crossed.

Tessa gave him another smile, before leaving as well.

N gulped, feeling the tension in the atmosphere increase tenfold. He dragged himself to the chair across from her, his hands shaking under the table.

J eyed him critically, before she sighed and said something unexpected.

“You got me good.”

“...Huh?”

“You know I get into fights a lot, N. Not really physical anymore, but a lot of them were back then. Especially during high school.” J picked up the ice pack from the table and pressed it against her cheek. “But no one has landed a hit that clean before. Not even V.”

“Oh, um,” N squirmed, “thanks?”

She gave him a nod. Then, without warning, she said, “I still don’t think Uzi is real.”

He stared at her quietly, which prompted her to continue.

“Like, who is named after a gun? But I know you do. You believe with all of your silly, hopeless, romantic heart that she is real.” J exhaled heavily, “I don’t know what kind of relationship you guys have, and frankly, I don’t want to know. It’s probably sappy or emotional or weird, but those kinds of things have always meant a lot to you. Since, well, you’re N.”

N shook his head, grimacing, “You don’t really know me.”

“I do.” J gestured, “Maybe not entirely. The punch was definitely unexpected. But I know you love Uzi, whoever she is, even if she sucks for ghosting you right now. You still love her, because you’re the type of person who struggles to not feel empathy. Emotions drive you. You know how much I hated it whenever you cried at a sad movie.”

He frowned. “Because they’re sad.”

“Yeah, yeah, see? Crybaby.” J rolled her eyes. “You always get carried away with your emotions. Even when you try to hide them. That’s why I’ve always been hard on you. Tough love to toughen you up.”

N flinched inwardly, his heart nearly halting at the burst of nostalgia that overwhelmed him. But then, abruptly, he remembered Uzi, her recent developments, her growing ability to speak to the people she used to avoid, and the way she seemed to really enjoy life more when she started to let go of her inhibitions. With the thoughts of her overflowing in his mind, inspiration began to take root within him.

Taking a breath, he steeled his nerves and confessed.

“...Your ‘tough love’ was… appreciated… but also not… super healthy.” He was gripping his thighs hard, as though the physical pain would push him through the mental pain. “I—Just—Just some constructive criticism—”

She raised an eyebrow at him.

“—but, er, you’re sometimes mean to me, and I wish you weren’t.” N breathed evenly, “When we were younger, and we had nothing, I guess I get why you did it. But then, you still kept doing it, and… I wish you didn’t.”

J seemed to weigh his words in her mind. She leaned back in the chair, her arms crossed once more. What broke the quiet was her abrupt snort.

She sighed, leaning forward with her arms on the table. “I guess this is why I was sent to that behavioral camp.”

N blinked, not expecting that response to his feedback. “Uh… why?”

“Well, you know,” J smirked at him bittersweetly, “I’m f*cked up. And I nearly f*cked you up, too. But you’ve turned out a better person than me. Even if I am more successful than you.”

He gave her a pointed look, which she waved off. “Yeah, I know, you’re successful in your own way or whatever. Tessa and V drilled all of that goody-goody sh*t into me all night, and it made me think I was back at the camp, honestly. But… I don’t know, them defending you so strongly made everything that I learned about being a good person or some sh*t click… I think. Like, huh, that’s why I can't be an asshole about this. You know?”

N shook his head, indicating he didn’t know what she was talking about. J sighed.

“Yeah, makes sense. But even if you’re not messed up like me, I still might have messed you up anyway. And… if I did screw you up in a different way, then…”

She glanced at him, her eyes dark and swirling with an emotion he couldn’t pinpoint.

“...sorry, N.”

He stared at her, his eyes seeing beyond her slumped form.

Then, he looked down at the table.

“N, you’re so f*cking useless. Get up already, or we’re not going to make it to dinner.”

“N, why the hell would you want a dog? You think we can take care of one?”

“N, seriously, what are you crying about now? I didn’t hit you that bad.”

He breathed.

“...Thanks… for saying that.” N smiled at her, but it was strained and melancholic. “But this’ll take a lot more time and, uh, maybe more apologies. Some change would be nice, too.”

J seemed disappointed that he didn’t have a complete flip on his attitude after her apology, but she nodded regardless.

N tilted his head, his gaze switching to the side.

“Though, that was the first time you ever apologized to me, so… that’s good! And I appreciate you finally saying it.” N grinned brightly, the light in his eyes returning somewhat. “I never imagined the day you would. That’s a pretty incredible change.”

J flushed, her face burning red as she hotly replied, “Shut up, no more soft, sentimental bullsh*t. I said my apology, now get going already. I thought V needed you.”

He seemed confused. “Where am I going with V?”

“Ugh, you and your loud mouth.” V groaned as she rounded the corner. Her sudden appearance spooked N, causing him to jolt in his seat. She pointed at J with a smug smile. “But, damn, you really do have some form of human emotions! That’s crazy!”

She turned from the two of them, angrily sipping on her now cold coffee. “Shut up, I did it more for Tessa than you.”

V stuck her tongue out at her. “Yeah, whatever. N?”

“What? Yes?” N perked up at the call of his name. She pointed behind herself, “Get dressed. We’re gonna go to the mall.”

“Huh?” N stood up, his hands waving frantically. “No, no! I can’t go! Not if Uzi is actually there!”

V was smiling at his energy, but she still scowled, asking, “Why not?”

“I—” N felt a little shy about revealing his promise, but he forced it out, “I promised her that I wouldn’t go looking for her. She is very particular about her identity being kept secret, so I didn’t want to disrespect that.”

V blinked at him, then she nodded in understanding. Within a few steps, she was in front of him and patting his shoulder sympathetically.

“I see. So that’s why…” V narrowed her eyes at him with a malicious smirk. “However, I made no such promise. I’m going to give that girl hell for putting you through this, and she will start talking to you again.”

“Uh—huh—wait, what? You don’t have to…” At her unimpressed look, he only said instead, “Just don’t be too harsh! Okay? She’s kinda sensitive!”

V guffawed. “Hah, yeah, right! That girl is feisty. She beat me in Drones Online! Plus, there was that other time…”

N asked quickly, “Uh, what other time?”

J snickered in the background, and V only waved him off while saying, “Anyway, my point is, she won’t break easily when it comes to you.”

Then, she left him in the kitchen, leaving him with another demand for him to go get ready. He wanted to argue against her resolve, and even tell her not to pursue Uzi’s identity anymore, but he knew at this point it would be useless. If anything, he was touched that V was going this far to help resolve their conflict. But after some thought, N shuddered; he only hoped that she wasn’t going to be too terrifying when she confronted Uzi.

He wondered if he should bring the old baby leash.

N giggled.

No, V would definitely kill me.

Chapter 16: new perspective

Chapter Text

More than one week ago…

The drive home was long, lonely, and cold, but eventually, Uzi made it back to her apartment building.

She turned off the engine of her car, allowing the warmth to slowly seep out from the vehicle. Pushing her door open and stepping out into the world, a sudden chill sunk deeply into her skin. She shivered, the bothersome sensation sparking her consciousness somewhat. Uzi looked around, the darkness of night fended off by the bright street lamps.

Everything was oddly silent.

There were none of her neighbors milling about—no faint conversations, crunchy footsteps, or sounds of mundane life.

Even her brain was, for once, completely silent.

She shut her car door, locking her car before stuffing her keys into her pocket. Walking away from her car, she headed toward her apartment. Both the security guard and the concierge waved at her once she was inside, and reflexively, her hand shot out to return the gesture.

She was barely out of view when she heard a cheery “Merry Christmas!” from one of them. Who exactly, she wasn’t sure. It didn’t matter, however, since she paid the person no mind.

When Uzi finally found herself inside of her apartment, she realized how dark it really was outside. Not bothering to turn on the lights, she leaned against her door, her eyes sliding close as she allowed herself to remember.

She remembered the soft tunes of the Christmas melodies, the smell of fried festival food, the feel of her dad’s hug, the picturesque image of—

N.

A large Christmas tree.

N…

Snow falling gently, slowly—so fragile yet so beautiful.

N, look, I’m…

She gritted her teeth, squeezing her eyes tightly together as she slid down the door.

I really just…

Drawing her knees to her chest, she wrapped herself in a hug, pressing her forehead against her knees.

I hate myself.

Less than a week ago…

Uzi stared at her phone lying face-up on her computer desk.

There were no message notifications from N.

But, of course, since she was the one who muted notifications from him.

Since I sent him that message a few days ago, he would definitely wonder what’s going on. Uzi blinked, her eyes turning to the snowfall. I wonder what he thinks is going on? I wonder if he noticed how long we haven’t talked?

She watched one snowflake collide with her window, adhering to the clear surface. Her gaze traced its intricate pattern as the sadness welled up within her once again.

I wonder if he even cares.

Uzi shook her head.

She knew she shouldn’t be making assumptions, especially since she had no idea how he was feeling. She tried to make the separation easier by cutting all contact with him, which included avoiding his streams. She even stuck to playing her solo-player games, ensuring that he wouldn’t be able to see her online anywhere.

After the fifth death to the impossible boss, Uzi let out a vexed sigh, before dropping her controller on her desk. She grabbed her phone and collapsed onto her bed, face-first for a few minutes despite the abrupt lack of oxygen.

Raising her face to breathe, she switched onto her side, bringing her phone up to her face. Her eyes glanced at the Twitch icon, her thumb itching to tap it.

Would it hurt to just see?

The answer was obviously a resounding “yes,” however…

Not like I’m unfamiliar with pain.

Uzi succumbed.

Instantly, after entering the app, she went to N’s channel.

What she watched made her heart hurt a hundred-fold more. She had only observed him for a couple of minutes, but it was painfully obvious how melancholic he was. He was much more reserved, laughing less, talking less, joking less—his smile had lost its usual curve.

And his eyes…

They were dim, desolate, despondent.

Even his chatters were noticing, sending him concerned messages.

“N…” Uzi shot up on her bed, leaning over her phone; her eyes stung as she gripped her phone like a lifeline. “You idiot, you don’t—”

She bit her lip, before her vision began to blur from the onslaught of tears. “You don’t have to be so sad. What the hell? N, come on…”

Her voice broke slightly as she realized, “Oh, God, and… it’s because of me…”

She couldn’t bear to watch N’s stream anymore. She exited out of the app, flinging the phone further down her bed. Out of nowhere, anger accumulated quick and fast, and she got up and began to ramble, as though he could hear her.

“Why do you have to care so much? Why are you so—so stupidly sad? I just said I was going to be gone for a while. It’s only been a few days!” Uzi yelled at the wall, uncaring if her neighbors could hear her. “I didn’t say I wasn’t coming back, because—ugh, f*ck, I don’t even know if I am. Should I? God, you shouldn’t be caring this much! You should be realizing that you don’t need me! Because you don’t!”

She locked eyes with herself in the mirror. Stomping over to her reflection, she stared hard at the unkept, ghastly look of a woman in mourning, and grinded her teeth together in frustration.

“I’m so f*cking ugly, haha! A monster straight from the damn shadows!” Uzi grinned crazily; the same one she used to scare away people she hated. Then she shook her head, her purple locks swaying savagely with her. “But you always say I’m pretty. I’m adorable. I’m cute. You don’t even f*cking know me, N. You don’t know what I look like, and I look like a FREAK!”

Violet saw violet—what once was a beauty was now a disgrace, and she couldn’t even stomach the sight of herself.

Someone who got angry too easily.

Someone who didn’t know how to be a good friend.

Someone who didn’t know how to be a good person.

Someone who hurt the one person who meant the world to her.

Uzi spat out with as much hatred as she could possibly muster, “f*ck—you!”

She yanked her drawer open and found the lighter, blatantly ignoring the amber vial that could make all these chaotic feelings go away. Holding the candle on her desk steadily, she lit the candle then tossed the lighter to the side, before picking up a bobby pin.

She watched as the bobby pin burned a bright orange—yellow—white—before she pulled it away from the heat.

Leaning forward to the mirror, she brushed her hair back, angling to see the side of her head that had no piercings.

Without hesitation, she punctured the soft flesh of her earlobe, slightly wincing at the sharp (but oh-so familiar) pain. Immediately, a red liquid dribbled down from her ear onto her neck, but she ignored the droplets staining her old T-shirt. She secured the bobby pin in its place before she reached for another one.

That night, her pathetic weeps and sobs were drowned out as the world celebrated the New Year.

Yesterday…

The first thing Doll said when Uzi walked into work was, “Where have you been?

Uzi shrugged, not bothering to look at her as she clocked in. “Took the last few days off.”

“Neskol'ko dney? It’s been more than a week, the hell?” Doll tilted her head as her eyes switched to something else. She questioned, “Are those new piercings?”

Uzi finally looked at her, a sardonic smile crawling onto her face. “What can I say? I missed this place so much, I needed a reminder.”

Doll eyed her suspiciously. “You’re acting weird. Weirder than usual, which is saying a lot.”

“Glad you know me so well.” Uzi rolled her eyes, throwing her thumb over her shoulder. “Can we just open up, already? That kid outside looks like he’s about to die if he can’t get his hands on that Miku figure.”

“Sure, I guess.”

Thankfully, Doll let go of the topic and didn’t inquire about it for the rest of the day. Hours passed agonizingly slow as it usually did while she was on the clock, but for once, she felt… normal. Working again seemed to improve her mental somewhat—it felt like she was doing something productive with her life since she was still on her winter break. Although, if she were to be completely honest, she wanted to go home and find more places on her body to poke holes in herself.

It was near the end of the day, and the store was nearing its closing time. Uzi was busy restocking the clothing racks when she felt a few rapid taps on her shoulder. To her surprise, it was Doll—and she looked pissed.

“What is your deal—?”

“That otvratitel'naya zhenshchina is back.”

“That what?”

“V.” Doll seethed, as if saying her name seared her tongue. Uzi’s eyes widened with surprise as Doll continued, “She has been coming too often lately. I don't know what she is looking for here, but I’m still not helping her.”

“She’s been coming here?”

“Yes, keep up!” Doll blanched when she looked back at the pair roaming the store, “And it looks like she brought her ugly, awful sestra with her.”

While Doll was distracted, Uzi quickly snatched her name tag from her shirt and pocketed it. Then, she took a deep breath, before nudging Doll to the registers.

“Okay, so you hate them. Whatever, dude. You gotta be over there, still.” Uzi pointed out, “Look, a line is forming.”

Doll glared at her. “Can’t you just go there instead?”

“Nope. Nuh-uh. Not happening.” Uzi said, a bit too quickly. She motioned to the box of merchandise at her feet. “I got a system going on here, can’t have you messing it up.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep.”

“Ugh…”

Uzi watched as Doll made her way back to the registers, before she let out a sigh of relief. Returning to the clothing rack, she bent down to grab a branded varsity jacket.

“Excuse me?”

Emitting a curt shout, Uzi jolted upward, immediately face-to-face with the one she was trying to avoid.

V! Uzi gulped, She’s here again!

The taller woman was eyeing her critically, and Uzi knew her nervous display wasn’t helping her case.

Clearing her throat, Uzi crossed her arms and asked, “Ah, yes… yes? Can I help you?”

“Yeah…” V co*cked her head to the side, “but before I ask, do you work here?”

“Oh, er,” Uzi nodded, “I do.”

Oh, sh*t, why did I admit that?!

“Okay, good. I was wondering if you have any… Naruto merch?”

“Lots! We have a lot.” Uzi gestured to different areas of the store. “There are shirts over there, some other stuff over there. Yeah.”

The two of them stared at each other, one nervous and one skeptical. After a few passing moments of awkward silence, V abruptly questioned, “You don’t have a name?”

“Huh?”

“A name tag.” V pointed at the shorter woman’s chest area, causing her to look down briefly. “You don’t have one even though you work here?”

“Well, you see, I’m new, actually, so…” Uzi rocked on her heels, lamely answering with a small, “no.”

“Uh huh…” V pursed her lips, as though she was in deep thought. Then, she suddenly asked her, “You like festivals?”

“Festivals?” Uzi began to sweat bullets at this point as anxiety shot right through her. “Why do you ask?”

“You seem like the festival type.”

“I do?”

“You do. But… maybe not?” V tapped her chin, her eyes sharply meeting hers, “Since, well, you seem like you might be the type that… cries at them?”

Uzi felt her heart stop.

Speechless, all she could utter was a dumbfounded “huh?”

“V!” J shouted across the store, “Come on, let’s go already! I’m hungry!”

“Yeah, yeah, fat*ss, I’m coming!” V shouted back, then released a weary, agitated groan. Before she left, she turned to Uzi and said, “Did you forget that you’re supposed to be my fan?”

“Your—?” Uzi immediately bit her tongue, the shock showing all over her face. V only smirked, then left her to her devices. The two blondes had already left the store, but Uzi could only think about how royally screwed she was that V was incredibly close to discovering her identity.

Today.

“So…” N nervously tapped his thigh, “what exactly are you, uh, gonna say to her?”

V didn’t take her eyes off the road, but she did respond, “I’m gonna tell her she’s a dumb punkass bitch, and then slap her around.”

He was appalled. “V!”

“Kidding. God, you really are lovesick.” V rolled her eyes at N’s indignant pout. He retorted, “I feel like it’s normal to not want someone joke about harming the person they love—I mean, like a lot.”

V half-jokingly replied, “Even if she deserves it?”

N furrowed his eyebrows, earnestly saying, “Uzi is my first friend—she’s kinda really… my only friend. And she means a lot to me, okay? I would never want her to be harmed, and I would never think that she deserved any harm.”

She considered his words for a moment, then said, “I know you have some issues returning due violence, but… she hurt you first, N.”

“I know.” N frowned. “But I need to talk to her and find out why. Because, V… she wouldn’t hurt me on purpose. Not anymore, at least.”

“She has before?”

“Well, sorta? Early on in our friendship, she tried to kill me in-game because she got mad at me. Like, genuinely mad.”

“Huh…” V asked, “Did you do something to make her even more mad?”

N shook his head, feeling drained at the same question he had been asking himself. V sighed, before declaring, “Well, whatever happened between you two, you’ll fix it. I’ll make sure of it.”

He was a bit taken aback by her conviction, but it made him smile. “Thank you, V.”

“Yeah, yeah, you owe me Auntie Anne’s.”

When they arrived at the mall, V immediately headed toward the one store that she was ninety-nine percent confident that Uzi worked at. When N asked her why she was so sure it was the Hot Topic, she told him it was because of his reaction to the store when they passed by it the first time.

He followed after her, taking long strides behind her quick ones.

“That’s a really flimsy lead, though. I-I don’t actually know if she works there!”

“You know her well enough, don’t you? And that’s what I’m betting on.”

“V?” N felt his heart rate pick up, harsher and faster than the steps they were taking.

“What?”

“What if she does work there?”

She snorted. “Good for us then, right?”

“No, I mean—” He snagged her hand, halting them in place. They were only a few feet away from the Hot Topic. V turned back to her roommate, locking eyes with his frantic ones. His expression was a far cry from the enraged one he was wearing last night. At the moment, he looked younger than he really was—frightened and unconfident.

He breathed, “I don’t know if I can actually talk to her. Even if I don’t meet her, I’m kinda really nervous to talk to her again.”

“I can tell. You’re sweating again.” V jerked her hand out of his moist grip, wiped her hand on his shirt, then pointed at him. “But if this girl means as much to you as you say she does, then you need to go get her! Talk to her and fix whatever happened.”

N still appeared reluctant. “What if she doesn’t want to fix it with me?”

“Then I’ll make sure she owes you an apology for the pain.”

“V,” N seemed deeply confused at her responses, if his perplexed look was anything to go by, “I don’t get why you’re helping me. I mean, why… have you been helping me? You don’t gain anything from this.”

V blinked at him, before she shrugged with a smirk. “My own selfish reasons.”

It was clear she wasn’t going to elaborate. V continued before he could respond, saying, “If you really can’t handle this, then just go to the food court. I’ll take care of it.”

N asked uneasily, “Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

He sighed. “Okay, I’ll be at Auntie Anne’s.”

“Very good.” She waved at his retreating figure, before pivoting on her heel. N watched her march forward into the Hot Topic, his heart dropping into his stomach when she disappeared from his line of sight.

Oh, Uzi, please don’t take it too bad…

When Uzi looked up from her phone, the last thing she expected was to see V standing in front of the registers.

A small scream escaped her, alarming some of the passersby. Rebecca dashed to the registers, assessed the situation, then rapidly concluded that nothing major was happening. Angrily, she asked, “The sh*t?! Why did you scream?”

Uzi was panicking internally, unable to answer her question.

Stay low. Hide your nametag. She hasn’t seen it yet. A million thoughts were flying through her head, some of them jumbled and some of them coherent, such as, Oh, sh*t, Doll doesn’t work today. She’s the only reason I know if V comes or not because I’m so f*cking blind!

“Uzi!” Rebecca yelled, snapping her fingers in front of her face. “Are you gonna answer me or what?!”

No answer. Uzi only turned her head slowly, her violet eyes absolutely murderous.

Despite her mouth barely moving, she hissed under her breath, “You f*cking doxxed me…”

Rebecca placed her hands on her hips, bewildered yet still piqued. “I did what?!”

“Uzi, huh?”

At the sound of V’s voice, both Uzi and Rebecca switched their attention to her. To Uzi’s utter horror, V was smirking wide, her eyes glinting dangerously.

V tilted her head. “Not a really common name, is it?”

Uzi sputtered, raising her hands up defensively, “It’s actually, um, super common in the… area.”

At V’s unimpressed look, Uzi shut her mouth. Rebecca let out a scoff, before she muttered a “whatever” and began taking the next person in line.

Uzi whispered, half-angry and half-terrified. “Why have you been looking for me?”

V responded in a low voice, “You know why.”

Uzi wanted to lie, but with V’s intimidating figure looming over her, she couldn’t form the right fib. V gestured, “You and I need to talk.”

Uzi scoffed. “I’m at work. I can’t just… leave.”

“You can, like this.” V suddenly clasped onto Uzi’s wrist, before she began to pull her out from behind the counter. Uzi gasped, unable to struggle out of her grasp.

“Uh, HELLO?!” Uzi stumbled on her feet, forced to trail after her. “This is assault! Kidnapping, even!”

“Hey!” Rebecca shouted, but V only said, “She’s going on her break!”

Uzi heard Rebecca say “she already went on her break!” but knew that V didn’t give two sh*ts. The taller woman dragged her across the mall, causing Uzi to question hysterically, “Where are you taking me?!”

V replied nonchalantly, “Somewhere else.”

Uzi had half a mind to bite the other woman’s hand. “Let go of me!”

“You might run into N if I do.”

Uzi froze. She was sure she even stopped breathing.

“N’s here?”

“Yeah, the guy you’re trying to avoid so bad. So… maybe you shouldn’t run off.”

“How…” Uzi gulped, “How do I know you aren’t just bringing me to him?”

“Because the things I’m gonna say to you are not for his ears.”

Uzi went wide-eyed before she shuddered, suddenly wishing N was here to tame this aggressive beast.

“Here we go.” V yanked her through the open doors, and before Uzi knew it, they were outside in the garden square. She blinked a few times at the sudden change in lighting, then watched as V sat tiredly in one of the lawn chairs.

V motioned to the one across from her.

“Sit.”

Ignoring the alarm bells ringing in her brain that were telling her to just listen, Uzi crossed her arms and said, “No.”

“If you don’t sit, you’re gonna want to sit if you make me stand up.”

Uzi glared at her with as much annoyance as she could express, before she huffed and took the seat across from her.

“See? Isn’t it comfy?”

“Seriously, what the hell do you want?” Uzi demanded straightforwardly, then complained, “You apparently keep showing up to where I work, looking for me, then you drag me away while I’m on the clock and threaten me with N’s presence.”

“Are you stupid?” V asked, throwing Uzi for a loop. The purple-haired woman stuttered out, “Huh? Uh, no?”

V smiled at her, before she leaned forward and perched her elbows onto her thighs. “Then why are you acting so f*cking stupid?”

Uzi didn’t go to work today to be insulted by the love of her life’s roommate. Rage accumulated fast, threatening to explode from her petite body.

“Excuse me?”

“You hurt N.”

Uzi blinked, the anger rapidly dissipating.

“You hurt N, and here you are, acting like everything's a-okay.” V leaned back now, waving her hand around. “I thought maybe you’d be in the same boat as him. I don’t know, that you’d break down into tears at the sound of his name. But is this the girl he talked so highly about? An actual bitch with no remorse?”

Uzi opened and closed her mouth, unsure of what kind of words she wanted to spew. She didn’t know what she could say, since V might as well be speaking the truth.

No. She isn’t.

Uzi narrowed her eyes at her.

“You don't know sh*t about me. Quit acting like you do.” Uzi clenched her fists, her eyes darting to anywhere but V’s. “I know N has been depressed. I… didn’t mean to. I didn’t think he—Ugh, and… I know it’s because of me. But he—he’ll get over it.”

“So that’s it?” V interjected, “You hurt someone you care about, and hope that they’ll get over it?”

“He will.”

“You’re so sure.” V shook her head in disappointment. “But maybe you don’t know N as well as you thought you did.”

Uzi scowled at her, but V only followed up with, “Or, maybe, you really did just use him?”

“I didn’t use him!”

Uzi was standing now, ignoring the way shoppers nearby glanced at her heaving form. She was only focused on the irritatingly smug woman in front of her.

“And I would never use him! He did and said all those things, but I never asked him to! It’s so frustrating because I don’t get why! He’s just—too nice! And a little naive, I don’t know.”

Her voice dimmed near the end. V nodded in agreement, “I don’t get it either, but he’s turned out to be a wholesome person. Hard to hate.”

Uzi groaned, sitting once again.

“Yeah, and I suck.” Uzi snorted, “Ah, yeah, I f*cking suck.”

“Because you hurt him?” At her question, Uzi nodded slowly, her gaze glued to the grass beneath her feet. V shifted in her seat, straightening slightly, before she quietly said, “Me too.”

Uzi raised her head, meeting V’s surprisingly forlorn expression.

“And I used to hate him.” V put her cheek in her hand, her elbow resting atop the arm of the lawn chair. “But… not anymore.”

Uzi couldn’t help but ask, “You hated him? Why? How?”

“...Bad influences. And, I was young and stupid.” V let out a long exhale, as if these words had never seen the light of day until now. Uzi remained silent while V resumed, “He didn’t deserve it. And he doesn’t deserve it now. So, can you stop being a little bitch and go talk to him already? It’ll make him happy.”

Uzi visibly hesitated, her hands clamping together as she dropped her gaze to the ground again.

“You’ll probably feel better from it too.” V told her, “Since it seems you aren’t a stone cold punk.”

“Shut up.” Uzi stood up abruptly, her phone tight in her grip. “Don’t think I’m doing this because you told me to. I was going to do it anyway.”

“If that’s what helps you sleep at night, you purple-obsessed freak.” V waved her off, “Have fun with the make-up e-sex.”

Uzi flushed a bright red, “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“Many things. Now shoo.” As Uzi fled the scene, V cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted after her, “I didn’t weaponize my emotions for nothing!”

“Get off my dick!” Uzi flashed her the finger, “I’m gonna go fix it!”

“Oh, one more thing!” V called out, “He’s in the food court!”

Uzi heard her loud and clear, but she refused to let it be known. Keeping her eyes straight ahead, she marched forward.

With each step she took, her heartbeat quickened exponentially. Her body was so hot that she was sure she would liquify into a giant puddle in the middle of the mall. She wouldn’t be too surprised if it turned out she was leaving a trail behind her.

Eventually (and too soon, in her opinion) Uzi neared the food court. She halted before she got too close to the perimeter of the restaurants. Her eyes scanned the area, hoping that she would and would not catch sight of him. If she saw him here, then she’d know where he was exactly, but then there was the chance he would see her too. If she didn’t see him… that meant he could have been anywhere, and at this point, she was sure that running into him would probably send her into a coma.

Before her nerves fried completely, she detoured to the escalator. As she went up, she looked at her phone anxiously, the Discord icon beckoning her. The sounds of the food court were increasingly becoming louder, even as her phone rang right next to her ear.

As soon as the ringing silenced, so did all the surrounding noise.

She took a breath.

“...N?”

“Uzi…?”

Absent-mindedly, she stepped off of the escalator, moving forward until she hit the glass railing.

There, she saw him.

He was sitting at a table near the Auntie Anne’s with bags of pretzels and dips in front of him. It didn’t seem like he was eating, however, because of how troubled he appeared.

“Uzi, you—”

“N, I—”

They both started, then stopped again. Swallowing down the tension coiled in her throat, she said, “Go first.”

“Uzi, you… called me.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I was going to call you sometime. Why not… now?”

“Is it because of V?”

She winced, before she responded defensively, “I told you that I was just going to be gone for a little while.”

“When were you going to come back?”

To that question, she had no answer. Up until V forced her to take action, Uzi wasn’t sure when or if she was going to return.

“...Nevermind.” N sighed, and Uzi watched as all the stress exited his body. “I’m just… I’m glad you’re okay, and that you called.”

She smiled, but only for a moment, until the weight of her actions forced her into a low squat. Uzi asked hesitantly, “And are you?”

“Am I?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m better now. Don’t worry.”

“I am worried.” Uzi retorted before she could hold back. “You were taking my absence really hard.”

He put his hand on the back of his neck, rubbing it sheepishly. “Well, I was worried that I did something to make you leave.”

“You didn’t.” Uzi placed her free hand on the glass. “You didn’t do anything, N. It’s… my fault.”

She exhaled, pressing her forehead against the glass as she absorbed the sight of him sitting there in his soft-looking hoodie. His hood was up, and he was wearing a baseball cap and some glasses, but she knew from the moment she laid eyes on him that he was N. His blond-silver hair was sticking out from under the rim, and his eyes were hidden from view. After taking in his image, she suddenly realized that she hadn’t seen him in a considerable amount of time. She suddenly realized she hadn’t spoken to him, and although it was just for a week and some days, it was the longest, loneliest period she had felt in a long, long time.

And then, suddenly, she realized that she missed him.

And her heart twisted until it hurt.

“Aw, no! And I said don’t worry about it—”

“N, I’m sorry.”

He stopped talking at the sound of her watery voice.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Uzi tried her best to control the cracks and hiccups of her weakened voice, “I got too into my head, and I thought you would be better off without me.”

“...Uzi, why would you think that?”

“I saw you with your family. At the Christmas festival.” She abruptly admitted, her volume barely above a whisper; the tears in her eyes blurred her vision until N was just a golden smudge. A small part of her discovered that he really did resemble the Sun. “You looked happy, and I got so scared… I don’t know. That I was projecting something onto you. That maybe we’re not really friends, or that we’re not as close as I thought we were. And… I got so sad.”

When N didn’t respond, she wiped her eyes and saw that he was just sitting there, as still as a statue.

“I know.” She shook her head, chuckling curtly. “I’m stupid. And I’m an asshole. I’m sorry, N.”

Her voice broke slightly near the end, so she ceased speaking.

She watched him lower his head, then heard him say in a low voice, “I didn’t know you were there that day. I didn’t know you were suffering so much. Don’t cry because of me, Uzi.”

At his words, she felt her eyes water again, so she frantically wiped away the stray tears with her free hand. Small sniffles escaped her.

“Oh, come on. What did I just say?” N scolded in a joking tone. He paused, breathing in and out slowly, before he warmly said, “Honestly, I hate that you were feeling that way all by yourself. If anything ever comes up that makes you sad or mad, then tell me. Even if I’m the reason. Just let me know, because I’d rather see everything of you than nothing.”

Before she could even think to respond, he told her in a small, vulnerable voice, “You’re really important to me, and I cherish all the moments we share together. No one can replace you.”

Uzi didn’t think it was possible, but she started crying harder. She squeezed her eyes shut and took a few deep breaths, chanting in her mind to regain her composure.

N chuckled on the other side, despite it sounding like he was barely holding in a few tears himself. “Biscuits, I don’t think I’m doing a great job at comforting you.”

For some reason, this made her laugh. Wiping away the remaining tears, she snickered and said, “No, no. Keep going, you’re doing great.”

“That sounded sarcastic!”

“I’m being honest! You’re making me happy.”

Oops, that slipped.

N was audibly smiling. “Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Good.” N sighed with relief, and she observed him throw his head back with the brightest smile she has seen on him since forever ago. She was captured by its radiance, her eyes reflecting his sunny disposition.

God, I love his smile so much.

“Also, Uzi?”

Blinking herself back into consciousness, she uttered, “Huh? Yes?”

“Does that mean you really work here?”

Uzi bit the inside of her cheek, before confessing, “Yeah, I do.”

There were several long beats of silence before he remarked, “And at Hot Topic? No wayyy! Goodness, you really are a—”

“N, you are not about to—”

Unfortunately, he ignored her.

“—rogue, emo, edgy—”

“Oh, my God! N!” She couldn’t restrain the laugh that bubbled out of her as N continued. The only indication she received of him responding to her reaction was the joy in his tone increasing with each word.

“—cool, gothic, gamer, otaku—”

“Okay, okay, enough! N, God, I get it.” Uzi snorted among her rampant giggles, feeling happier than she has been in a while. Much to her pleasure, he finally stopped teasing her. They shared a lovely moment of tranquility before he once more called for her, “Uzi?”

She hummed in response, her tone light and airy.

He was pointing his fingers together timidly, and it was then she realized he was wearing earphones to talk to her. With him being so far down, he looked even smaller than he should have been at that moment. Uzi smiled to herself at how adorable he looked.

N hesitated, before declaring, “I would love to meet you.”

That statement wiped the smile off of her face faster than she could register his words.

She felt guilt heavy in her chest as she forced herself to say, “I can’t.”

Before he could respond, she elaborated, “I—I want to… too, but… I can’t. My mind is still scared. I don't know how to explain it, but my body just reacts, and I end up running away. I… I’m sorry.”

“Uzi, it’s okay.” N reassured her, “I know you’re not ready to meet at this moment, and maybe not for a while, and that’s okay. I just wanted you to know that I would love to meet you whenever you are ready. I’ll wait for you.”

Uzi frowned. “And if it never happens?”

He wasn’t deterred. “I’d wait forever if that’s what it takes!”

“You can’t wait forever.”

“Well, that’s up to you, isn’t it?”

Uzi pouted, but agreed to his point.

“Why would you even wait that long?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” She watched him display nervousness once more, before the next words made her nearly combust on the spot.

“You’re special to me.”

HUH? What does THAT meeeaaan??!!!!

Uzi blushed, the heat of her face the only thing she could feel. His words echoed in her brain, erasing all of the insecurities that had previously clouded it.

“U-Uzi??”

She viscerally reacted. “Yes?!”

“Was that you? I heard a strange noise. Like, a seal… but dying.”

“Okay, first of all, rude.” Uzi forced the warmth to disappear from her head. “Secondly, yes.”

“Why in the world did you make that noise??”

“Because I’m happy, duh! Am I not allowed to be happy—?”

“No, of course you are!”

“—and I was trying to say—”

She swallowed hard, her inhibitions only dwindling for a moment. But it was enough for her to blurt out:

“—youmeanalottometoo!”

Damn it, and right when I calmed myself down. There goes my traitorous heart and the stupid blush.

Uzi grimaced at her own embarrassing reactions, before leaning forward to watch him. He was clearly frozen with surprise, until he began to bounce in his seat, his eyes and smile lighting up the entire food court. His reaction, for some reason, made her even more flustered, as though she would melt on the spot.

If I can make him this happy, maybe I am better for him than I thought I was.

They stayed on the phone for a little longer, enjoying the sound of each other's voices, until Uzi abruptly remembered that she was still on the clock.

“Shoot, I need to go back! Ugh, how did I forget?”

It was a rhetorical question—she knew exactly why she forgot.

“Biscuits, I didn’t mean to keep you for that long. Sorry, Uzi!”

“It’s whatever, I’ll be okay.” Uzi stood up finally, her knees aching from squatting for too long. He swiftly asked, “Talk to you later?”

She saw his entire being exude hope that she would say “yes.” Uzi ended up chuckling, wondering how she could have been so resistant to his completely genuine adoration.

“Yeah. ‘Course.”

He whooped, throwing his arms about happily. “Awesome! Okay, then. I don’t want you to get in trouble, so I’ll let you go, now. Have a good rest of your day at work!”

“Thanks, N.” Uzi smiled down at his giddy movements. “Have a good stream today, alright? I’m gonna catch it, too.”

“If you’re watching? Definitely!”

After sharing a laugh, they eventually exchanged fond farewells. Double-checking that she was definitely disconnected from the call, Uzi exhaled, finally relieved of all of the fears and worries that have plagued her these last several days.

The only thing that concerns me is that I don’t know how badly I hurt him. He barely said anything about it, but it must have been bad enough that V felt like she had to do something.

Uzi crossed her arms over the railing, laying her head down atop of them. N was minding his own business, probably under the belief that she had already gone off back to her job.

Taking a deep breath, she allowed herself to take in the sight of him. Even if he streamed daily, seeing him in-person was always a rare, delightful treat.

She treasured it.

“N…” Uzi said softly, her voice drowned out by the masses, “I love you.”

Feeling exuberant from her confession, she turned and headed back to Hot Topic. If she was a girlier person, she would have been unable to stop herself from skipping back to work.

In her short journey, she had one thought in mind.

N doesn’t deserve the pain I gave him. I… I have to do better. I need to be better.

Uzi nodded.

For N.

N wasn’t sure why, but he looked up toward the glass railing. There was no one in particular, but it was as if something soft and sweet fluttered down and caressed his cheek.

He shrugged. Weird.

Soon, V arrived in front of him, shopping bags in hand. “You two made up?”

“Yep! We did!” Without hesitation, he threw his arms around her in a tight hug. “Thanks for your help, V!”

“Oh, God! Stop it!” V pushed him off, even though there was a faint pinkness dusting her cheeks. They hadn’t shared any sort of physical affection in years. “I get it, you’re happy again. Yay. Now let’s go home before this place eats the rest of my wallet.”

“Okay!” He saluted, then showed her his bag of pretzels. “And my debt is owed!”

“Oh, good. But now they’re cold. I’ll heat them up at home.”

“For your lunch?”

“Don’t judge me.”

Soon enough, V and N left the mall, with N sparing one more glance at the gigantic building, before sliding into the car. He was—for lack of better words—super happy. As he munched on his room temperature pretzels, he hummed and danced in his carseat, pure glee overtaking him. V rolled her eyes at him, but still smiled at his jolly display.

Suddenly, she spoke over the music, “By the way, N.”

“Huh?” N, taken by surprise, nearly choked on his pretzel bite. But he swallowed it down with much force and asked, “Yes?”

“Your e-girl is weird.”

“Hey…” N pouted, but then he shrugged. “I mean, yeah, I know. She is a little weird, but I love that about her!”

He sunk into his seat, a blissful smile appearing on his face. Their conversation repeated in his head over and over. He was nearly one-hundred percent sure that she was near him during their phone call, too, but he wouldn’t disrespect her like that by looking for her. She needed time before wanting to meet him in-person, and he would give it to her.

He would give her anything she wanted.

“Yeah, I love her.”

“Ugh, N, gross. I know!” V stuck her tongue out in disgust. However, her lips suddenly warped into a smug smile, “But I meant that she looks weird.”

“Hey! She does not—”

N paused.

With a surprising amount of ferocity, he shot up, nearly sending his pretzel bites everywhere.

“Wha—Wait! You saw her?!”

“Uh, duh! How else would I have talked sense into her?” V grinned evilly, “But actually, everyone has.”

N was a gaping fish. “Even Cyn, Tessa—?!”

“And J, too, yep!” V cackled at his indignant, pitiful expression, “Not all of us were by choice, honestly. It just happened.”

N was flabbergasted. “How the heck did that ‘just happen’?!”

“J and I met her at the mall a while back.” Not wanting to provide further details on that incident, V tapped the wheel, thinking out loud, “And, uh, Tessa said she saw Cyn talking to someone very peculiar-looking, so she asked her what that woman’s name was, but… you know Cyn, not really the best with those things.”

“She forgot to ask?”

“She forgot to ask.”

“Okay, sounds like Cyn. And then?”

“Tessa described to me what she looked like. I thought it was strange how familiar she sounded. Then, I also caught her following us during the Christmas festival. I think she might actually be more obsessed than you.”

N wasn’t sure how to feel about that sentiment if she was right.

“And because I’m sooo smart and clever, I connected the dots and looked for her in the mall to confirm my hunch.”

N nodded, but then he shook his head. “I’m still… really confused.”

V exhaled, then took a deep breath.

“When I first met her, she was watching your stream. But then she said she was my ‘fan,’ so I thought that maybe she was just a normal fan of ours.” V explained, “But she got really defensive when it came to you. And later, when Tessa described her, I thought, ‘Hey, she sounds familiar.’ It also helped that when I plugged her address into my GPS—”

“Her address?!”

“Yes, her address. You didn’t really cover it on your ginormous gift boxes.” V told him, not sure why he was so surprised. “Her apartment is right next to one of the community colleges that was invited to the networking event.”

“...V, I’m scared of your detective work.” N stared at her like she had a third eye. “I thought you were just a fighter.”

She gave him a look, but nonetheless continued, “It seemed like a bunch of coincidences, but I remember you rambling on about how she likes computer science, how she goes to college, how you’re ‘so proud of her’ because she attended a networking event, that she dyes her hair, blah blah blah. And then, as I said before, I saw her at the Christmas fair, and she kept staring at you the entire time.”

V was about to say something else, but she closed her mouth. This only made N more curious.

“And then?”

“Uh… not sure why, but,” V shrugged, looking uncomfortable, “she cried.”

“She… cried?”

“At the tree.” V put one hand up defensively, “Again, I don’t know why.”

She glanced at N, noting how he seemed to dim slightly at the fact Uzi had cried at the fair. Clearing her throat, she said, “Afterward, I brought you to the mall to cheer you up and to see if Uzi worked there after all, and lo and behold, you reacted to the Hot Topic. And, well, after investigating on my own, plus with J’s annoying ass, that’s how I came to believe that she was your e-girl, and also the same woman all of us have met.”

V shrugged, her eyes glancing to his melancholic face.

“Well, except for you.” Then, she laughed, whacking his arm in her joy. He groaned, “That’s so unfair…”

“I know, right?” V snorted, “God must hate you. Did you do something?”

“I didn’t do anything!”

“Ah, well, tough luck, N.” She patted his back this time, falsely comforting. “Maybe next time—uh, whenever that is—you’ll get to see her.”

N sniffled, his pretzels now ignored. He slumped over the dashboard of the car with a sigh.

“I hope so.”

Chapter 17: a hint of romance

Chapter Text

When Uzi woke up that morning, something felt different.

She wasn’t sure what it was.

Maybe it was the winter days slowly getting brighter.

Maybe it was her head, finally feeling the lightest it has been in a while.

Or maybe it was because it was her first day of her spring semester.

With a yawn, she stretched in her bed, pleasant to find that she wasn’t at all drowsy despite waking up somewhat early.

A tired groan filled her ears, directing her attention to her phone.

“...Uzi?”

She hummed in response, her cheeks warming at the sound of her name in his morning voice.

He yawned, then remarked, “You woke up kinda early.”

“I have my first day today.”

“Oh yeah!” he pouted audibly, “We shouldn’t have tried to stay up then. What if you woke up late?”

“Oh, bite me. I didn’t wake up late. That’s all that matters.” Uzi cleared her throat, suddenly embarrassed. “Besides, we hadn’t talked in a while, so… there was a lot for us to do together.”

Teasingly, he said, “Whose fault is that?”

“Mine… Ugh, I know. Stop reminding me.”

“Hehe, never!”

She shifted in her bed, accidentally bumping into her laptop, which she had forgotten was on the bed beside her. Checking it briefly, she grimaced and told him, “Do you remember the last part you saw? The episodes auto-played.”

“How could I forget? I was freaking out about Sasuke thanking Sakura and leaving her on a stone-cold bench!! How could he just leave?!”

“Revenge brain. At least he probably caught her?” Uzi guessed as she clicked back to the episode and the timestamp he was talking about. He continued, “When you weren’t responding, though, that’s how I knew it was time to sleep.”

While he giggled endlessly over her knocking out, she flushed and grumbled indignantly. Uzi closed her laptop and packed it away into her school bag. Wrapping the power cord around her hand, she heard N getting up to do stuff of his own. There was a few minutes of silence, before he returned with a myriad of noises.

Uzi raised an eyebrow. “That’s a lot of shuffling and rustling. Do I wanna know?”

“Getting ready for the gym! So I was putting on my gym clothes.”

Uzi didn’t think it was possible, but her face burned hotter.

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.

He sounded like he was moving downstairs now. She confirmed her own theory when she heard him greet his roommates with fond morning acknowledgements. While N was talking to his semi-siblings, she went ahead and used the bathroom quickly to wash-up before getting dressed herself.

When she plugged her earphones back in, N was still conversing with his roommates. The voices of his roommates were somewhat muffled, but it seemed like everyone was basically awake, which surprised her. Cyn didn’t strike her as a morning person, and V didn’t have any reason to wake up so early, either, since she worked from home basically.

“N?”

“Tessa likes to make breakfast in the morning, which gets Cyn up.” He chuckled warmly, “J has work at eight, so she eats before she goes. V and I go to the gym together before we come back to eat breakfast.”

Uzi wasn’t sure why, but something in her chest twinged.

“You guys go… together?”

“Well, we’re going to start today. She’s actually the one who actually got me going in the beginning! Didn’t I tell you?”

“No…?”

“Oh, well, now you know!” N explained, “Back when I first started streaming, I wasn’t really doing a lot of anything else. She said I was getting too fat, so I’ve been going ever since. Today, we’re gonna start going together, which is gonna be fun!”

Before Uzi could say anything, she heard V in the background say “I get to watch you struggle” before she cackled. N responded with a pout and a “hey, I’ve gotten pretty good with my reps!”

They went back and forth more until they just descended into chuckles.

Uzi swallowed down whatever was clawing up her throat and simply uttered, “That’s… nice.”

“Drink your Celsius, and let’s go already, N!” V called loudly, her voice clear, “Tell your girlfriend goodbye.”

Uzi blinked, before she blushed crimson as N frantically stuttered between “She’s not my girlfriend!” and “V, why would you say that?!” on his side. It was funny hearing him react to the point where words couldn’t come to him, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh or cry at his defensive tone.

Thoroughly embarrassed, both of them swiftly and simultaneously said their goodbyes before hanging up. She sighed, raking her fingers through her freshly-combed hair, before she pulled her beanie over her head. Once more, she checked both sides of her face, grazing the earpieces and making sure that they were in-place.

Seriously, V, why would you say that? You sad*stic asshole… Uzi scowled in the mirror, You know that I like him, right? Why even say something like that…?!

Shaking her head, Uzi swung her bag over her shoulder and exited her apartment.

When she arrived at school, she had to double-check her phone for her new schedule, before she started her trek across campus. Thankfully, most of her classes were no longer introductory or general classes, and were instead replaced with classes required of her major.

Thank God I took most of those lame nothing classes in high school, seriously…

“Uzi!”

At the sound of her name, she turned her head, finding Thad jogging up to her. He was waving at her, prompting her to slow down so that he could catch up. They hadn’t seen each other at all over the break, and even if it was just a month and some weeks, it still felt like a long, long time. She gave him a once-over, noting that he looked mostly the same, except…

“The hell is that on your face?”

“What?” Thad struck a stupid pose, then shot her an equally stupid look. “I feel like it makes me distinguished.”

“As if there’s anyone on this campus who doesn’t know you.” Uzi snorted, her eyes never leaving the whiskers above his lip. She was surprised there was even a semblance of a beard forming. She scowled, “This look is not it.”

He whined, “Aw, why not?”

“Dude, you look even more like an asshole—the unshaven, creepy kind.”

“Wait, you think I look like an asshole?”

“The beard and mustache aren’t doing it, man.” Uzi started to giggle at his downtrodden look, “Sorry, someone had to tell you.”

“Aww, and I worked so hard on these.” Thad let out a joking sigh, then asked her, “Where are you heading?”

She stuck her tongue out at him. “Somewhere you’re not, you business major baby.”

“What? You’re done with general classes already?”

“Most of them. Calculus kicked my ass in highschool, so I gotta take it still. Tuesday and Thursday mornings.”

“So we only have a class together, damn!” Thad clicked his tongue in disappointment. She rolled her eyes. “We can still grab lunch together, dude.”

“Who am I gonna sh*t-talk with about Dr. Monkles, though?”

“We can still talk sh*t about her and Dr. Huss during lunch and in-between classes.” During their conversation, they had arrived at her major’s building. Uzi threw her thumb behind her, telling him, “Sciences up ahead. I gotta go now. Run now before you perish from the sheer intensity of the building.”

“You act like STEM is sooo hard.” Thad and her stared at each other, before he nodded. “Because it is. Respect.”

They fist-bumped, and she waved him off with a “good luck coloring inside the lines!”

That made Thad laugh and retort with a joking curse at her, then he ambled away with a smile on his face. Uzi chuckled to herself, turning around to head inside the large lecture hall.

When Uzi made it home, she let out a sigh of relief, kicking the door close behind her. She tossed her book bag beside her desk, before throwing herself into her chair and slumping against it. After closing her eyes for a few seconds, she turned her computer on and checked her to-do list for the week.

The sound of a Discord notification drew her attention.

N 01/22/2024 3:03 PM

how was ur first day back???

in school?** :o

darkXwolf17 01/22/2024 3:03 PM

lol i knew what u meant

it was fine

N 01/22/2024 3:04 PM

yay that’s good!!!

are u hopping on now? :D

Uzi checked her to-do list once again. Since it was just the first week, there wasn’t anything major due soon, so she had plenty of free time to goof off with N. Still, she wanted to tease him.

darkXwolf17 01/22/2024 3:04 PM

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

do i???????

N 01/22/2024 3:04 PM

yes <:3

pls

darkXwolf17 01/22/2024 3:04 PM

nah

N 01/22/2024 3:04 PM

uuuuzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

plsss

😭😭😭😭😭

Uzi laughed so hard that she snorted, ultimately succumbing to his pleas.

darkXwolf17 01/22/2024 3:05 PM

ok fineeeeee

i’m hopping on

what’re we playin?

N 01/22/2024 3:05 PM

YAYY

drones :D

new main story event was added todaaayyyy

was wanting to play it with u

👉👈

darkXwolf17 01/22/2024 3:06 PM

oooo yea sounds good >:3

N 01/22/2024 3:06 PM

also my viewers have missed u

like how i missed u uwu

She reacted viscerally.

darkXwolf17 01/22/2024 3:06 PM

oh my god

dude

N 01/22/2024 3:06 PM

kekek sorry was thT cringey xD

that*

She wasn’t sure if the face was cringe or if the message itself just completely caught her off guard.

darkXwolf17 01/22/2024 3:07 PM

def

idk if i wanna hop on now

N 01/22/2024 3:07 PM

WAT

NOO

i’ll never uwu again!!

darkXwolf17 01/22/2024 3:07 PM

good

i’ll hop on now xp

N 01/22/2024 3:07 PM

ok ok

pls yes

i’ll be waiting

darkXwolf17 01/22/2024 3:08 PM

alrighttttt

uwu man

N 01/22/2024 3:08 PM

i used it ONE TIME

Uzi giggled, opening her game application and waiting for it to boot up. As soon as she was completely loaded in Drones Online, N sent her an invite to his party. With a click, she was able to hear his voice in the party channel, and once again, she was brought into his stream. He had been thanking donors and new subscribers, as well as talking leisurely to his viewers, but with her sudden appearance, the chat blew up.

The messages were pouring in like a torrential waterfall of texts, and Uzi was getting dizzy trying to read it all. Some of them were asking her where she had been, how she was doing, and the like. The sentiment made her heart hurt, but also irrationally scared her.

These people care too much for no reason.

The viewer count was spiking upward by the hundreds, so much that Uzi had to tear her eyes away just to regain her composure.

When she did, she noticed something unexpected.

V was in their party.

“It’s good to see you again.” She said sweetly with her mic this time and not using the chat.

Uzi co*cked an eyebrow, but typed in response.

[darkXwolf17]: likewise

“I’m just kidding. Seeing you pisses me off.” V sharply remarked, “I want a rematch.”

Uzi blinked in surprise, shaking her head in bewilderment. Why the hell is she so hostile? Bitch…

[darkXwolf17]: so i can beat u into the dirt again? lolol

“You can try.” V scoffed, “You won’t win a second time. N will have to stop me from killing you instead.”

The corners of Uzi’s lips twitched upward, and she typed back in a rapid fashion.

[darkXwolf17]: k let’s go then, i’ll actually kill u this time

“Hey, hey! Heyyyy!” N called for their attention. The two female characters turned to him, their stances no longer threatening. “We’re not here to fight each other. We’re here for the new event! Come on, I can’t wait any longer.”

N’s character flew ahead, inciting the women to follow after him with their own wings. He proceeded to lead them across the snowy, decimated forest, then soon over crumbling, blackened buildings. Any players they passed by would either tail them or avoid them entirely.

Abruptly, he dove, and the women dove after him. The three of them plunged through an opening below, which brought them straight through the frozen ground. The light from above filtered into this singular hole, but it only took Uzi a moment to adjust to the dimness of the underground.

She read the “Welcome” message that popped up on her screen as she took in the sight of one of the major underground cities. Although the underground was dark, the city lights lit up the cave ceiling so beautifully, like it was its own night sky. The city itself was gorgeous, despite being made up of scraps of metal and other old materials—the aesthetic reminded her of steampunk. NPCs and players wandered about; the city was peaceful and full of variety, since it was one of the only ones that fully promoted and believed in the coexistence of all the player classes. The urban noises made her feel like she was actually standing outside instead of playing a video game.

“This is so cool! And the city is so pretty, wow!” N spoke her thoughts out loud, noting, “Some people already beat us to the event. I think it’s right over here.”

When the trio landed, they landed right in front of a huge facility surrounded by barbed wire and security guards. There was an important-looking drone standing in the front, his appearance resembling one of a scientist. He had a big poofy mustache that made Uzi wonder if there really was a fake mustache that large just laying around, or if he made it himself.

The scientist was apparently the Director of Scientific Operations—

N snickered, “That’s hilariously simple.”

[darkXwolf17]: what does that even mean??

—and he told them that the facility was open only to players of a certain high level that also had specific skills unlocked. Additionally, the building required parties of two or more that included at least one Absolute Solver and one Disassembly Drone. Since their party met all of the requirements, the three of them were allowed to enter the facility. Unable to actually control their characters, they were forced to follow the NPC inside.

The Disassembly Drones, N and V, were led to one area while Uzi, an Absolute Solver, was led to another. Although N couldn’t move his character, he still shouted a fading “Bye darkXwolf17! See you whenever!!”

Uzi couldn’t type back fast enough as she was pulled around the corner, her screen suddenly fading to black. When her screen came back, she found herself in a control room with a one-way window. On the other side of the window were N and V, both of their characters limp and unconscious.

Uzi furrowed her eyebrows, realizing that she could move freely again. She inspected the room, seeing other drones in lab coats working on who knows what. Her character was able to step up to the window, which allowed Uzi to see that both N and V’s visages were marked with that familiar “X.”

The only interactable object in the room was a strange, white, circular piece of metal. When Uzi went over to see what it did, her character automatically put the metal piece on its head.

Suddenly, her screen appeared to glitch out—lines and lines of purple code filled up her monitor. There was a humming noise that reverberated in her ears until it dimmed.

As quickly as the lines appeared, they vanished, leaving her the view of a completely brand new area. Her party with N and V had disintegrated from the corner of her monitor, and overall, it seemed that most of her HUD had changed to be more… cinematic. Her skillset wasn’t visible, and after pressing a few buttons, it wasn’t even accessible.

What she realized right after, however, was that her character was completely missing.

Uzi tried to move around, only to realize that instead of controlling her avatar…

…she was controlling a bird.

A crow, to be specific.

“Why am I suddenly a bird?” Uzi muttered to herself. She watched as she hopped around as a crow, her tiny bird feet splashing the puddles beneath its small body. The light rain and occasional lightning created such a surreal ambience, one that she had never seen in the game before. “Even though I’m a bird, this is hella cool! The graphics are still awesome, damn!”

Uzi swiftly discovered that the mechanics for flying were the same as her actual character. She flew upward and over the lush, green trees, abruptly registering the fact there was actually organic life on this supposedly new world.

“I thought everything died out?” Uzi asked herself as her crow avatar ventured into the unknown. “Why is there green everywhere?”

Trees, bushes, grass, and even other birds. There was also a flowing river nearby, and if she soared close enough, she could hear it splash against the river bank. The sprinkling rain made for an epic effect, despite her vision becoming somewhat murky. She noticed her wings were slicing through the rain, dousing her bird-body and making her feathers gleam in the moonlight.

Uzi was amazed, truly feeling like she was in a totally different reality of the game. One where the world wasn’t overcome with robots because of the self-destruction of all human life on Earth.

She stopped gushing over the graphics and tried to focus on whatever task was at hand. Her crow-self circled the area for a while until she spotted a player's name down below. Coming closer, she quickly discovered who exactly it was.

“N!” She grinned excitedly, which then turned into utter confusion. “Why is he in butler clothing? And handcuffed to a tree next to a drone corpse?”

Not to mention the fact that he was also being viciously attacked by other crows.

Once she was close enough to be in proximity chat, she heard him yelling at the birds to leave him alone, fearful that they were going to eat him. She was laughing at his theatrics until she realized that his health bar was, indeed, lowering point by point. Uzi wasn’t sure how she was supposed to save her crush from dying to birds when she herself was just… another bird.

As N fought for his life against the flock, Uzi hummed and sat back in her chair, pondering her options—until she saw that she was able to use a skill. The icon had appeared so subtly that she didn’t even notice until that moment.

Pressing the button, there was a sudden rumble on screen, before the birds took flight. Uzi’s crow had, somehow, scared them all off. If she had to guess, maybe it was the glowing, purple eyes.

Uzi ambled forward, her crow hopping funnily toward the handcuffed butler drone.

“...darkXwolf17? Is that you?”

[darkXwolf17]: caw caw muddaf*cka

“It is you! I’m so happy to see you. You saved me!” N said thankfully, his voice playfully emotional, “I was playing with those goobers until they started attacking me. Thought I was a goner for sure.”

She was able to peck away at his handcuffs, weakening its hold on him.

[darkXwolf17]: like i’d let u die to some birds

[darkXwolf17]: that would have been funny tho

“Nooo! I haven’t died in a while, so dying to birds would have not been cool. ” N’s character stood up from the tree roots. He was seemingly in an animation where he was dusting himself off and inspecting himself for injuries.

[darkXwolf17]: that’s why it would have been so funny heheheh

He sighed, albeit fondly. “Why are you such a gremlin?”

[darkXwolf17]: huh??

“Nothing. Let’s go!”

Uzi found out she could perch onto his shoulder, so she allowed herself to rest on his character. This way, she didn’t have to move at a frustratingly slow pace, even if she could fly. Drones were much faster than birds, it seemed.

N told her that he had spawned in a mysterious mansion not too far from here with V. There was a cutscene where, between him and V, he was the one sent outside to get picked at by birds because he had been disobedient or something.

[darkXwolf17]: am I contagious?

“Looks like it.” N said with a chuckle, “That’s fine with me, though. We can be rebels together!”

Uzi couldn’t stop the embarrassed smile that danced on her lips.

Ah, God, why is he so charming? Unfair, really.

They headed back to the mansion since there was nowhere else they were allowed to go. N wondered if V was okay, but Uzi only rolled her eyes—she knew that the other woman would be fine.

When the duo arrived at the mansion, they looked at each other the best they could for reassurance. The building looked even more enormous up close, regardless of how majestic and rich the architecture was, as it loomed over them eerily. Alarm bells in Uzi’s head were telling her to just turn around, but they knew that this was the only way to move forward in the event. Lightning flashed again, but this time, thunder followed it—a boom! echoed throughout the forest.

N swallowed. “I’m scared. Is that normal? Are you scared?”

Like she would admit that on stream.

[darkXwolf17]: just shhhh and go in already

Right as they entered the mansion, they noticed that it was dark. The power must have gone out, because none of the hallway lights were turned on. The big crystal chandeliers hovered above them, twinkling with the moonlight and the lightning. Flashes of lightning would briefly give vision of the inside, but otherwise, it was near-complete darkness. Uzi felt shivers run down her spine when she would occasionally catch glimpses of corpses with oil running down their bodies, and smears and splatters of oil all along the floors and walls.

“This is a horror house.” N stated, his voice perplexed and somewhat spooked. “I do not remember the mansion looking like this, and I was in it like ten minutes ago. What happened?!”

They turned a corner, and lo and behold, a dead drone was strung up along the wall, splayed out like a bloody, mutilated art decoration.

N turned.

“Okay, nope. Nope. I was excited about this event, but now I’m not.”

Uzi laughed from his reaction, but she typed quickly before he actually left.

[darkXwolf17]: n stop being a scaredy-cat and let’s see this through!

“Aaaaahhhhh…” N turned back to the hallways of doom and exhaled, “fine.”

The duo weren’t sure what to do, but they walked further and further into the mansion. It was the only path for them to take, after all. Occasionally, Uzi would spot shiny keys hiding among butler and maid corpses, and would loot their bodies for N. Since he was the one with actual hands, he was able to use the keys on random locked doors. They didn’t know how deep into the mansion they were until they heard the screams.

Of people—real humans—and not drones.

There was a pair of large, ornate doors, clearly leading into the boss room. Uzi was questioning how she would be of any help as a crow, and N wondered how he would be of any help as a simple butler.

[darkXwolf17]: can u fight?

[darkXwolf17]: i don’t have any abilities

He revealed, “No, I don’t have my usual abilities showing on my HUD. My screen looks more like a movie or a TV show than anything.”

“Shoot,” Uzi bit her lip, “we’re in the same boat, then.”

Uzi typed, questioning him if he had tried to fight or use skills despite the lack of visible skill icons, and he said he did. She groaned, theorizing (and mostly hoping) that their abilities would be available to them inside the boss room since there was no way they could win otherwise.

N grimaced on camera. “Let’s hope we get a chance, at least.”

Entering the boss room, they immediately were thrown into a cutscene. The camera was almost blasted away, before it was sucked back in—Uzi gaped at the powerful, illuminating entity that filled her screen. It was so close, just across the large dining room near the window. Its copious amount of limbs were flying in every direction, mercilessly killing the panicked humans who had nowhere to flee. Their fancy suits and dresses stained red, torn apart by the golden monstrosity.

Then, the entity switched its focus onto them, the security camera appendage acting at its eye.

“We should… prooobably run.” N commented as his character backed up slowly, terrified, “I still don’t have any abilities up, but even if I did, I don’t wanna fight that thing—”

Uzi was already typing frantically.

[darkXwolf17]: OK THEN RUN

One of the limbs shot out, the scythe aimed directly for N’s neck. He shrieked, before barely dodging out the way. His character began to sprint in the opposite direction.

“Running! We’re running now!”

Uzi wasn’t sure what happened, but it felt like the hallways had become even more twisted and bizarre. The labyrinth of halls confused the both of them, but all they knew was that there were monstrous limbs ready to claw at their backs, so they kept running for their lives.

Uzi noticed a gleam down the hall, but N only kept running. Quickly, she typed:

[darkXwolf17]: UP AHEAD!

N uttered a noise of surprise before he once again dodged a lethal attack at his throat. He gasped, recognizing the new assailant immediately.

“V?!” N dodged again. “Why are you attacking me?! Hello??”

[darkXwolf17]: hologram maybe

“I don’t wanna test to see if she’ll go through me.” N shuddered as he kept dodging her deadly attacks. “She probably will go through me. In the ‘I will definitely die’ kinda way.”

As he continued to evade her offense, Uzi spotted something glimmer on her character. A button for a skill appeared at the bottom of her screen.

[darkXwolf17]: wait i see something on her!

[darkXwolf17]: keep her busy

“Doing my best!”

Before she even tried to guess what it was, she hit the button, sending herself into a quick time event. It was surprisingly lengthy, much longer than she was used to.

I mean, it’s supposed to be a ‘quick’ time event for a reason!

Each set of keys, however, seemed to slow V down more and more, making it easier for N to avoid her. Eventually, she completely stopped moving, and part of Uzi believed that she had killed her until she heard V say, “Can I move again?!”

“V!” N cheered, “We can hear you now! Thanks to darkXwolf17!”

“Finally, holy f*ck! You guys took forever. I was bored out of my mind!”

Uzi rolled her eyes.

[darkXwolf17]: i could have left u as a murderous brainless drone if that’s what u wanted

[darkXwolf17]: i wouldn’t have minded

“Shut up. If I knew you were the bird, I would have tried to kill you, instead.”

[darkXwolf17]: i thought u couldn’t control urself idiot

“Nothing would have stopped me—”

“Guys,” N interrupted suddenly, “sorry, but eldritch demon being is BEHIND US!”

Comically, all of their characters turned to the limbs clawing down the hall to them, threatening a very swift and brutal death.

N snapped out of it first, hurriedly pivoting on his heel and bolting down the hallways once again. V started bolting after him, asking, “The hell is that thing?!”

“Not sure, really, but I heard—dead end! Other way! Other way!” They speedily switched directions, narrowly escaping death’s grasp. N continued as they ran down a long hall, “I heard that it’s the Absolute Solver, like the Absolute Solver. Where darkXwolf17’s class gets their powers from.”

V snickered, “Congrats, freak, that’s your mother.”

[darkXwolf17]: stfu

“We can’t keep running forever! There has to be a way out.” N looked around, but there was nothing to interact with. The only option it seemed was to run endlessly.

“Wait!” V exclaimed, “I have a key!”

[darkXwolf17]: we have some too, what about it???

“It’s a special key, dingus.” V brought it out of her inventory, her character now carrying it in her hand. “Got it from a maid. She’s probably dead now, but it seemed too important to be nothing!”

N looked around again. “What are we supposed to use the key on?”

“I don’t know!” V remarked, “I just have it. Figure it out!”

As they tried to exchange ideas, Uzi pondered at the peculiar things in the mansion and in the hallways. She thought she was seeing things, but after passing the same hallway again and again, she noticed that there was a part of the floor that glimmered, as though it was interactable. With V’s apparently “special” key, there was surely a connection.

It must be a way out.

Resolved, just as they were about to pass by the highlighted floor again, Uzi hopped off of N’s shoulder, causing him to stop in his tracks.

“U—You! What are you doing?!” N saw the limbs reaching for them. “We’re gonna die if we stop!”

Uzi didn’t have a moment to type, but she pecked and pulled at the rug covering the shining floor. V caught on quickly, helping her pull the rug away, uncovering what was apparently a cellar door.

“Oooh nice, okay, now unlock it—”

The limbs were too close for comfort.

N panicked, “Please UNLOCK IT NOW!”

“I AM!” As fast as she could, V used the key on the door, allowing their characters to hop inside. The cellar door closed shut above them, giving them a moment of peace.

“Oh, finally. I can stop holding my W key.” N sighed, rolling his wrists, hearing the satisfying cracks.

[darkXwolf17]: what is this place?

“Creepy as hell is what it is.” V remarked as her character examined the items on the side.

The scene was straight from a horror film—they had transitioned from imminent death to a weird torture chamber. There were lines of oily chairs next to trays with scalpels and other surgical tools. A variety of weapons were strewn along the wall, some more painted with the black blood of drones than others. Uzi didn’t even want to jump onto the floor because of how nasty it appeared with all of the oil.

“Um…” N voiced, drawing their attention, “this is my head.”

Indeed, N’s character was staring at its own head, apparently torn off. The whereabouts of his body were unknown, but if Uzi had to guess, it was probably sitting in one of these chairs.

“Why is my head here?!” N circled it, crouching and jumping around it. “What does this all mean?! I need theories!”

Their screens began to glitch out in this room, but suddenly, the world rumbled.

V said slowly, “I don’t think we have time for theories.”

With an echoing explosion, the long, black limbs broke through the cellar’s ceiling. The eye of the entity was on all three of them, and the rest of its body was descending into the bunker.

Abruptly, there was an ominous text that spread across the center of her screen that said:

[Run.]

[If you’re caught, you will lose everything.]

Then, there was more rumbling as a tunnel began to form before them, providing them a new escape route. A bright light beckoned them as the Absolute Solver began to give its final chase. The three of them didn’t hesitate to start running once again.

The blinding white light was surely better than turning around into the embrace of the Absolute Solver—the one enemy that would apparently wipe away their entire existence.

As they sprinted the final stretch, V cried out, “I worked too hard for all my loot!”

“Me too!” N yelled over the loud rumbling, the falling rocks, and the intense music, “None of us are dying. I promise—we’re all making it out of here!”

“Don’t break that promise, N!”

“I won’t!”

For some reason, Uzi wished that it was here where she finally talked—where she would finally join in on the fun of speaking and yelling and laughing to her heart’s content. She felt that if she typed here, it would ruin the stressful yet hopeful moment. She wanted to shriek too, to express her fears but also her determination to live. She wanted to banter with her voice, to say her words instead of having people only read and guess her tones.

She wanted to speak.

But she didn’t.

As the trio sprinted for the light at the end of the tunnel, the claws and scythes and the abundant amount of other limbs were right on their heels. It was an extremely close call, but the three of them jumped into the light as soon as it stopped evading them.

After their screens were engulfed with white, Uzi recognized the familiar setting of the facility room. Suddenly, she realized that her character, and most likely her party members, had never left that facility. Her avatar had taken off the metal piece from her head, and watched as her party members did the same.

There was another cutscene that played that eventually ended with them being escorted to the entrance of the building. Many other players were waiting for them, jumping up and down in excitement. N was too caught up in the lore to properly acknowledge them, and instead was rambling, “So that whole event was just a really cool cutscene? Like a backstory kind of chapter? But more interactable so that we feel like we’re part of the whole story?? Super, duper neat! There’s gonna be sooo many theories coming out because of this! And I need to watch them all!”

Uzi and V both agreed—Uzi equally as excited yet V not as enthusiastic. She still, however, believed it was sorta cool.

“Yeah, yeah. I wanted more action. Didn’t like all the running and talking. Bleh! Boring.”

[darkXwolf17]: u just have a short attention span

“Shut up. I need to actually fight in a real fighting game.” V asserted, telling them, “I’m hopping off now. Later, nerds.”

“Byeeee, V! Thanks for joining us!”

“Sure, N.”

Once V logged off of Drones Online, it was just the two of them, plus their many, many, many fans. N turned to the now drone-avatar Uzi, asking her, “What do you wanna do now?”

Uzi hummed, considering their options, until one of her frivolous ideas seemed to outshine the rest. Uncharacteristically timid, she slowly typed out the words and stared at the “Enter” key. Taking a deep breath, she hit it.

[darkXwolf17]: wanna build a base together?

As expected, although still just as relieving, he gasped with excitement. "You should have asked me sooner!"

When they hopped off for the night, Uzi collapsed on her bed. Her back ached from sitting upright for hours; no matter how long she had been playing on the computer, her body seemed to become sore regardless. When her phone rang with the Discord ringtone, she picked it up right away.

N said cheerily, “That was fun!”

Uzi chuckled, “If you count nearly dying for an hour as fun, then yeah, I guess so.”

“Building a base together is fun too, you know!”

She smirked, declaring, “Ohohoho, we’re not done yet! I still wanna add a bunch more rooms, maybe a deck, a theater, a library, whatever else I can make! And, oh, maybe a garden. But wait, it’s snowy and dead as hell everywhere. So maybe not…”

Uzi rambled on, talking about all the things she wanted to add in their base and how nice it would be to finally put her loot somewhere besides her personal storage unit. N politely listened, sometimes uttering noises of agreement or acknowledgement, always letting her know that he was there. When she was finished, they shared a laugh and enjoyed a moment of serenity.

N asked, “Are we watching tonight?”

“Uh…” Uzi scratched her head, before flipping onto her back, “not tonight, if that’s okay.”

“Of course. Did you wanna just talk?”

She smiled shyly, despite him being unable to see it. “Yeah, that’d be nice.”

“Do you have more tea on Dr. Huss? Or Dr. Monkles?”

She perked up, her smile cracking wide. “I do, actually.”

As she told him all the hot gossip she learned today, her body was feeling lighter and lighter, as though it was about to drift away into the wind. It was a combination of bliss and drowsiness, the ultimate combination to provide her the best kind of sleep. Hearing his joyful, boyish voice resound in her ear made her feel even comfier, and she couldn’t help but relish the sound. Even if they had started talking to each other again recently, she would never get enough of his infectious laugh and his soothing, lovely voice.

“Not to be toooo judgemental, but Dr. Monkles seems like she doesn’t know how to keep a relationship.”

“Oh?” Uzi was unable to stop herself from saying, “And what do you know about romance? Are you a love guru or something?”

He laughed nervously. “No, not at all! I’ve never dated.”

She blinked repeatedly, her heart rate picking up suddenly. Rattling her brain for a response before the silence went on for too long, she replied, “Ah, really? Me neither.”

“Really?”

“Heh, yeah, nah.” Uzi combed through her hair anxiously. They had never talked about their love lives until now, and breaching this topic so abruptly was making her incredibly tense. “Boys never liked me much, ‘cus, well, you know…”

“Right, right.” N paused, before saying, “Well, they’re dumb. You seem like you were a cool person to hang out with in high school.”

Uzi scoffed, not to be mean, but out of pure disbelief. “And… how would you know that? You don’t know the kind of angsty, rebellious monster I was in high school.”

“More than how you are now?”

“Hey! I’m… getting better… I think.” Uzi shook her head, steeling her nerves to ask, “Anyway, what about you? Why didn’t you… date?”

“Um, I’m not sure. A few girls actually asked me out from time to time, but I wasn’t really interested in dating, I guess. I never understood why they wanted to date me, anyway, since I wasn’t a great student or… uh, person, in high school.” N had become much quieter by the end of his sentence. Before she could react, he continued, “I liked someone already, anyway.”

For some reason, this surprised her greatly. “You did?”

“Uh… yeaaaah.” N sounded embarrassed as his voice muffled slightly. If she had to guess, he was putting his hands to his mouth. Then, with a sigh, his voice came through clearly as he elaborated, “I thought she was really cool and pretty and smart. She used to listen to me talk about stuff that I liked. I knew her since we were kids, and even though she changed sooo much throughout our lives, my crush on her still stayed.”

Uzi felt her heart sinking. Hearing him speak so highly about someone else in a romantic sense made her chest cave in. “You still… like her?”

“I like her a lot! Not… like that, though. Not anymore. She never gave me the time of day, anyway.” N admitted with a chuckle, “But she’s still one of the closest people to me. I consider her like family.”

Uzi knew she should be happy hearing these words, but for some reason, her body felt heavy against her mattress. She felt her head begin to swirl.

“Is it V?”

He gasped, then responded dramatically in a higher pitched tone, “What?! How did you guess?? Ah, wait, please don’t tell her! That would be so embarrassing.”

“I’m not gonna tell her!” Uzi remarked vehemently, before she forced herself to calm down some. “And… I don’t know, I guess you two seemed… close.”

“I appreciate you keeping that secret. I don’t need to embarrass myself further since we’re in a good place now.” N sighed with relief, but Uzi was only getting more and more uneasy. They talked a bit longer, touching on different topics than just their love lives. Uzi thought moving away from that discussion would make her feel better, but her brain was supplying her with every awful thought that existed. Eventually, she heard his soft snores, indicating that he was fast asleep.

Uzi stared at her phone, at the profile picture of N’s smiling face. Then, she placed it face down on her chest with her eyes now staring up at the ceiling.

What if he still likes her?

No, he said he doesn’t anymore.

Only because she apparently didn’t like him back.

But she helped him out a lot recently because I disappeared.

So what if he starts to like her again?

And what if she realizes she likes him too?

So much for the ultimate combination of bliss and drowsiness—her pounding heart and troubled brain had other plans. Uzi wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight, after all.

Chapter 18: valentine's tribulations

Chapter Text

There was peace.

These past few weeks were reminiscent of her time spent with N before she ghosted him. They were doing all of the things they did before the incident on Christmas, as if nothing changed. They continued to play together, laugh together, stay up together, fall asleep together, watch together, and message each other throughout their days. They still did their marathons of Naruto, and they still had their late-night voice calls.

He still had no idea what she looked like, and she still had no idea what he was really thinking sometimes.

She wasn’t sure if this stagnation was something she liked.

The repetition was comfortable, and being able to spend time with N every day has made this the happiest period in her life.

But she had a complaint, and it was her crush.

Or… her love? To be more specific.

Whatever strong affections she had for N—they haven’t disappeared. It seemed that in the short time when they stopped talking, her heart ached and yearned for him even more. If he wasn’t constantly reminding her of his presence, she would feel lonelier than she had ever felt in her life, even if he was still just someone she knew online.

Sometimes, she thought about her mother, and how just the thought of her now gave her a sense of comfort and nostalgia. There were no longer feelings of angst, longing, or regret; these feelings that used to haunt her had slowly diminished, as though being cleansed by an external light.

She knew who that light was, of course. It was so cheesy, but it was the best way to describe his impact on her life.

It was a double-edged sword. Although he healed her, he wounded her just as much. It wasn’t his fault—he had no intention to cause her pain, and she knew he never would, but her heart was fragile, and her mind was scarred and broken.

It hurt her for him.

She already knew to what extent her insecurities could harm her (and thus, the person she cared about) as proven by the Christmas incident. She didn’t want to keep letting it interfere with her friendship with N, so she wanted to be better, somehow. She wanted to be someone N could rely on, like V.

But she wasn’t sure how.

Now, she was facing another dilemma because of her brain.

She knew she loved N, but her brain would be struck with such debilitating anxiety that she wouldn’t be able to force herself to act on it. She couldn’t take a risk that could either advance their relationship or destroy it completely. The thought of them truly never speaking to each other again actually terrified her, which was ironic, considering what occurred about a month ago.

And not only was fear preventing her from being the flirtatious master she knew she wasn’t, she was also harboring suspicion of N’s current crush, if he had one. She hadn’t asked him directly, and he never answered this question straight-forwardly when his fans asked, but part of her painfully, pathetically hoped that he actually liked her back. She wasn’t sure what it was like to be loved and adored romantically, and she had been getting confused by N’s gestures because of it. She wanted to say that there is romantic intent behind them, but he was a kind and friendly person, so he could also possibly just be doing these things out of the goodness of his heart.

For instance, a week ago, N started to call her “cute” and “adorable” a lot more often than he used to do. He had said it plenty of times before, but now… it felt like it was in almost every other sentence. She wasn’t sure why, but she suspected it had to do with her complaining about people not taking her seriously because of her petite appearance. She wondered if this was his way of making her feel better about her short self, or if he was teasing her.

Another example would be when N began to take extensive breaks during his streams to talk to her on her lunch breaks at work. She told him before that he didn’t have to, and that she actually enjoyed watching him stream while she ate, but he said he wanted to. That definitely set off the butterflies, but she figured that he thought she could use the decent company since she’s at work all day, and retail is never that fun.

Although these gestures were a bit different and new, they weren’t drastic at all, so she didn’t believe there was any significant meaning behind them.

Which brought her to her current predicament about N’s possible current crush, and how it most likely was not her.

Because why would N like her—his good ole’ internet pal and gaming buddy—when he had a pretty, smart, and clever woman living under the same roof with him?

V is a lot of things I’m not. Uzi stared outside her window, watching the stars twinkle and gleam. First of all, she has actual tit* and is tall but not too tall. Secondly, she is scarily smart, and has major appeal. Her large audience speaks for themselves. People love her…

She sighed.

She could be N’s perfect partner, and they would be the internet power couple of the century. Even if N said he doesn’t like her like that anymore, how do you just forget your first love like that? It could so easily come back!

Uzi stood up suddenly, her hand against the cool window. Words began to spill from her tongue, spewing out before she could stop them.

“And she has helped him a ton lately. Like, why? She said she even used to hate him, but now they’re closer than ever because of what I did.” Her eyes widened, then she stumbled backward as her hands came to rest on her chest. “Is that it? Was it because of me? Did she realize she hated seeing him hurt and sad and depressed, and then did she swear to always do her best to make him happy… because she discovered her true feelings for him all along was actually love—?!”

The sound of her phone vibrating rapidly stopped her in her tracks. Combing her hair back (which had gotten messy from her raving), she checked what had made her phone so noisy. N was texting her, and urgently.

N 02/13/2024 9:03 PM

UZIIII

WHERE DID U GOOOOO

u disappeared and i wanted u to help me say bye to eberyone on stream but then you didnt show up so i had to sya bye all by myself!! D:

oof those were a lot of typos

anyway what hhapoend!!

happened* OMG whyy

Uzi was never, ever gonna admit to the crazed rambling that just occurred in the quiet of her dark bedroom, so instead she typed:

darkXwolf17 02/13/2024 9:04 PM

had to sh*t

sorry

N 02/13/2024 9:04 PM

ohh

ew

but is ur tummy feeling ok? :(

Uzi giggled as she turned off her computer. Collapsing on the bed, she continued to message him.

darkXwolf17 02/13/2024 9:04 PM

yes all better

ty

N 02/13/2024 9:05 PM

u wanna do anything tonight??

play or watch or somethjn

Uzi gave it some thought, but her brain was sleepy, so she yawned and declined his offers.

darkXwolf17 02/13/2024 9:05 PM

i’m tired actually so could we just chill tonight?

already in bed lol

N 02/13/2024 9:05 PM

ofc!!

u sure u arent sick?? :(((((

darkXwolf17 02/13/2024 9:03 PM

yes omg i’m sure god

hurry up and call before i knock out dude

She received his call as soon as she sent that message. Rolling her eyes at his swiftness, despite the flutters it gave her heart, she remarked, “Took you long enough. One more second, and I was a goner.”

“Did you have a long day today? You seem pretty tired!”

“I always have long days, you know this.” Uzi yawned again, curling on her side. “Though, it might also have to do with me staying up last night to read manga, so whoops.”

“I thought you fell asleep!”

“Nooo, I was just reading! You fell asleep.”

“Well, no more staying up late! Again. Biscuits, I don’t even wanna know how late you—”

“Five in the morning.”

“Uzi!”

“Whaaat? Bite me, I barely get time in the day!”

“We talked about good sleep habits. We’ve been doing great these past few months! Don’t fall into temptation!”

“You make it sound like I’m an addict.”

“Aren’t you? To staying up late?”

“...Shut up.”

They spent the rest of the night talking about nonsensical topics and sharing random funny reels with each other, but Uzi wouldn’t have had it any other way. When midnight struck, she let out another large yawn, and knew she couldn’t keep awake for long.

As her eyes drifted close and sleep eventually took over, she wondered if she imagined N saying “Happy Valentine’s Day, Uzi” softly in her ear.

When Uzi went to school in the morning, she regretted it.

She regretted it deeply.

In highschool, Valentine’s Day meant nothing to her. It used to be a day full of reds and pinks and gross public displays of affection that she could mostly ignore without an issue. However, now it was different. It was as though she was unfortunately hypervigilant of every decoration and every hand-holding couple she bore witness to. All of the Valentine’s Day stuff from the balloon hearts to the paper hearts strung up to the flowers and rose petals was putting her on edge. She wasn’t sure what the name was of her exact feeling, but she knew she was weirded out by it all, especially because of all of the couples that were being extra lovey-dovey today.

“You look like you saw your grandma naked.” Thad said as soon as he saw her, walking up with a few gift cards and candies in his hands. She supposed he received them from some of his gal friends.

Uzi rubbed her eyes. Unfortunately, the reds and pinks were still in her mind’s eye. She shook her head.

“No, but that would have been better than being bombarded with… today.”

Thad raised an eyebrow. “You would rather see your grandma naked? You're weird.”

“Bite me, you know what I meant.” Uzi pointed at him, suddenly apprehensive when he put his free hand in his pocket. “And you better not pull out something suspiciously sweet or romantic for me or I swear to God—”

She halted at the chocolate being offered to her.

It wasn’t just any chocolate, but a Ferrero Rocher chocolate. Pursing her lips, she eventually responded with a single word.

“...Acceptable.”

Of course, she took it. She wouldn’t decline such an expensive and delicious chocolate.

As she chewed on the delectable goodness, Thad asked, “Why do you seem to hate all the love going on around? Isn’t it nice and wholesome? Have you never experienced love before?”

She flushed, the color of her face stemming from a combination of angry and embarrassed. “Uh, excuse me. I have, actually! I currently am!”

Uzi simmered abruptly, her sharp words dulling into a mutter, “It’s probably not reciprocated.”

Thad looked at her sympathetically, then checked his phone for the time. With a grin, he directed her to a nearby lounge chair and told her, “Well, we still have some time before classes start, so tell me about it! What’s on your mind? Or more like… who?”

Uzi shot him an incredulous stare, before she sighed and slumped against the chair. Crazily enough, she was actually considering taking him up on his offer. There was no one around that was close enough to hear them. Plus, the chair… was comfy.

Still, she asked, “Why are we talking about this?”

“It’s the day of love! Why would we not?”

“I don’t think this is gonna help me.”

“Give it a shot.” Thad sat in the chair across from her, crossing one leg over the other with a pencil pointing at his chin. She snickered, before rolling her eyes and letting out a weary exhale.

“Uh, okay, fine, I guess. I love—”

“You love this person?!” Thad exclaimed, “Damn, bold! I knew you had it in you!”

Uzi stood up immediately. “Alright, and that’s that. I’m gone.”

“Okay, okay! Sorry, no more jokes.” Thad urged her to sit back down, which she did so with a frown. He gestured, “Continue.”

“So, as I was saying: I have very strong feelings for this guy, but I don’t think he feels the same.” Uzi tapped her thumbs together, before admitting, “But, honestly, I think there might be a slim chance he does. And if he does, I don’t know what I would do. But I don’t think he feels the same because, haha, I don’t know? Why would he? He has a better woman in his life, so… yeah.”

“...Ooookay.” Thad gulped, suddenly looking like he had accidentally stepped in a much larger landmine than he previously anticipated. “So, let’s start with, uh, this. How does he act around you? Or with you?”

Uzi took a moment to think about this. “He’s a very kind and friendly person overall. With me, though, I don’t know if it’s because he’s nice, but he always makes me feel, er… good. Um… happy. Yeah, happy. About myself, especially.”

She trailed off near the end, but her face was beginning to heat up intensely. She was starting to wonder if she could get through this “therapy session” in one piece. Before Thad could respond, she nervously blurted out, “And he always buys me really expensive gifts, and also compliments me a lot on my appearance and stuff. We also stay up at night watching anime or YouTube or something, and then we fall asleep, and he teases me about it sometimes. If I fall asleep first, I mean. He also always listens to me talk when I’m feeling down, and tries to cheer me up.”

She finally closed her mouth and looked at Thad, unease written all over her face. Thad’s expression was frozen with surprise, before he blinked and nodded slowly.

Then, he questioned, “And… you’re sure he doesn’t like you…?”

She furrowed her eyebrows. “Yes? Because what if he’s just being nice?”

Thad took off his cap, ran his fingers through his hair, then released a long, tired sigh.Afterward, he fit his cap back onto his head and clapped his hands.

“Listen, Uzi,” Thad said, “I think he likes you.”

She flushed a bright red.

"But first, let me ask you, what do you want out of this?"

Uzi squirmed slightly. "Uh, I don't know, but I've been bothered recently with thoughts of... actually getting together. Honestly, I think... maybe... I wanna try?"

Thad grinned at her, like a parent would at his little, troublesome puppy who just did her first trick.

“That's awesome, Uzi! That's great, and I'm so proud of you. But,” he held his hands up, “knowing you and your... you-ness, if you want to play it safe, then ask him.”

“Ignoring what you mean by that, what do you mean ask him?” Uzi inquired, “How am I supposed to ask that?”

“Probe him. Lure it out of him. However you can get him to admit that he likes you. Or, at the very least, that he likes someone right now. And, if you’re really feeling bold, you can drop more hints that you like him too.” Thad gave her a sly smirk, before he corrected himself, “Sorry, I mean—that you love him.”

She was the color of a tomato, but still had the willpower to whack his arm. “Bro, shut up, or I’m demanding a refund.”

“Too late, you already got my consultation. I don’t provide refunds.” Thad put his arms up defensively, which made them both chuckle. He asked her, “So, are you gonna do it?”

“Do what? Possibly embarrass myself and change our relationship forever?”

“Something like that.”

Uzi swallowed hard, then actually considered his idea about interrogating N.

If I actually knew that he liked me, then I wouldn’t have as much to fear, right? I could actually act on this stupid crush of mine. We could… be more than this… Or, at the very least, I could stop thinking that he likes V. With a lighter dusting of pink on her cheeks, she quietly said, “Maybe I should.”

“That’s the spirit, Uzi!” Thad whooped, raising his fist. “You got this.”

“God, stop it, dude. You’re gonna humiliate me to death.” Uzi waved her hands frantically, prompting him to drop his flashy pose. She stuck her tongue out at him. “I’m going to class now before I throw up my guts. See ya.”

“See ya! Happy V-Day!”

“You too, I guess!”

And so, the rest of her day proceeded like any normal school day, save for the extra romance in the air. However, Thad’s words of advice floated around in her head all day, provoking vivid imagery where she actually had the courage to try to advance her and N’s friendship into a romantic relationship. These scenarios ranged from actually finding out that he liked her to confessing her love to him to them full-on dating. But them dating was so far-fetched that it was difficult to imagine what kind of activities they would partake in.

People who date… do a lot more physical stuff, right? Uzi looked over at the couple in the class that were sitting next to each other. The person's head was on the other person's shoulder, and their feet were messing around with each other under the table. Uzi looked over at the other couple in the class sitting beside each other, their hands covertly interlocked under the desk. She bit her cheek, wondering, Would N hold my hand? Would I lean my head on his shoulder? Would we… kiss?

Her face burned hot and fast, and she lowered her head into her arms. She was ashamed to admit that the coherent thoughts now crazily bouncing within the confines of her skull were something along the lines of:

What would kissing N be like? His lips always seem so soft. I think he wears lip balm. I wonder if it’s flavored. I’ve never kissed anyone before, but neither has he. I think. Would it be awkward? I think it would be awkward. But what if we kiss and it heats up? Escalates? Whoa, Uzi, chill! You’re still just friends, what the f*ck!

The less coherent thoughts were more like:

Oh my God egfseg what the hell am I thinking segjry why am I thinking these stupid cute sexy romance things what is wrong with me and gvbnsfg what happened to me why am I suddenly so cheesy and stupid stop it brain gnhkguka

After her last class ended, Uzi saw more couples here and there as she walked to her car; they were holding hands, linking arms, or otherwise being physically close to each other. She overheard some of them talk about their plans to go on afterschool dates, which sparked her imagination once again. On such a beautiful, sunny day, it was harder not to think about perfect first-dates.

She was running through potential dates she could go on with N, which (to her surprise) made her extremely giddy. Her heart was beating fast and hard in her chest, but if just the thought of going out with N made her feel this way, she seriously worried for the health of her heart if they ever actually did start dating. Just as soon as she was feeling excited, she began to feel a heavy weight drop in her gut. It was an emotion she was beginning to become accustomed to, since it kept reappearing so frequently.

With an indignant grunt, Uzi began her drive home, trying her best to quell the sudden jealousy of all these couples around her being in-love so shamelessly… and so freely.

The traffic was nearly unbearable, but Uzi finally made it home. She tossed her book bag beside her computer and immediately turned on her desktop. As always, N was streaming, but she had some homework she unfortunately had to complete, so she decided to do it while watching N’s stream in the background.

“Okay, guys. Special announcement. Listen, listen!” N resized the camera so that it was just him in view, no game or browser in sight. He was smiling brightly, and she couldn’t help but feel drawn to his radiant expression. Shaking her head, she went back to her work as he continued, “I’ll be taking a week-long break from streaming in May, but hopefully, I’ll still get to see some of you! The reason being…”

Suddenly, the screen had flashing, neon lights as large letters appeared on the screen. Uzi looked up again, her eyes widening in shock.

“I’m going to GLITCHCon! Yes, that’s right! The biggest anime and gaming convention in the region!” N cheered and danced in his seat as his viewers were exploding the chat. While she was at home, paralyzed with disbelief, N was completely oblivious to her surprise. He gleefully elaborated, “I got invited by GLITCH to host my own mainstage panel! I’ll be talking about Drones Online, of course, as well as answering fan questions and host questions. Really cool stuff! Super excited, and really grateful to everyone supporting me by watching, subscribing, and donating, as well as to GLITCH for inviting me! Hope to see you in May!”

Uzi’s astonishment dwindled, leaving behind only unadulterated pride and happiness for her crush’s success. Despite not being a streamer, she knew it was a big deal to be invited like this by such a huge game company, especially to speak at their very famous annual event.

darkXwolf17 02/14/2024 3:15 PM

yooo!!!!!!

big congrats

would say it on chat but i dont wanna get drowned out by all the texts lol

N 02/14/2024 3:15 PM

uzi!!! welcome home :D

and thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

yea yea so cool! and so excited

darkXwolf17 02/14/2024 3:16 PM

proud of u :)

and happy 4 u

Uzi was grinning to herself, but she was feeling somewhat awkward messaging him privately. There was something about today that made these exchanges feel more… intimate.

N 02/14/2024 3:16 PM

will u be hopping on?

:o

darkXwolf17 02/14/2024 3:16 PM

i have hw soooo no :/

but i’ll watch 👍

N 02/14/2024 3:16 PM

awwwwwwwwww

but ok! gl on ur hw

darkXwolf17 02/14/2024 3:17 PM

ty ty

Although N allowed her to do her homework in peace, it barely helped her romance-ridden mind. Throughout the evening, she found herself often distracted by N’s stream, his glorious smiles, his infectious laughs, his goofy jokes, his handsome smirks—

Should I turn off the stream after all? Or maybe just mute it? Uzi mused, unsure if this was good for her productivity. As she stole another extensive moment to watch N, her insightful conversation with Thad today drifted around in her head, as well as the romantic scenarios from earlier. The jealousy arose in her chest once again at the fact that she and N couldn’t go out on dates or some sort of friendly outings like her classmates. To make things worse, the thought of N going out today with anyone (especially a certain blonde) soured her mood even more. Uzi couldn’t help herself, she crumbled.

darkXwolf17 02/14/2024 4:24 PM

hey btw

u have plans later?

w someone?

Uzi had half a mind to delete her messages because the moment she sent them, she cringed so hard that she almost turned inside out. Before she could get her finger on the screen to erase the evidence of her desperation, he responded.

N 02/14/2024 4:24 PM

nope!

why? :D

She froze.

I didn’t think I would get this far. Uzi held the phone tightly in her grip, staring wide-eyed at their texts. What the hell am I supposed to say next?!

Thankfully, N wrote to her, instead.

N 02/14/2024 4:25 PM

if u have no plans eitherrrrrrrrrrrr

do u (uzi)

wanna watch a movie tonight?

w me (n)?

👉👈

Uzi stared at his question, before bursting out into laughter. She wasn’t sure if these giggles bubbling out of her were because of her overwhelming fear suddenly melting away, or because of the absurd specificity of his messages. Clearing her throat, she mused on what her response should be, typing and backtracking a few times before settling with a simple:

darkXwolf17 02/14/2024 4:25 PM

sure

N 02/14/2024 4:25 PM

omg yay!

darkXwolf17 02/14/2024 4:26 PM

wat movie?

N 02/14/2024 4:26 PM

i always wanted to see an anime movie soooooooooo i lokoed up some and saaw one called your name

thoguht it seemed cool fro mthe trailers

if u dont mind!1

i dont know if u watched it before tho

darkXwolf17 02/14/2024 4:26 PM

nope

havnt seen that one vcus i dont relly watch anime movies

and def not ormance ones

not my style

romance* oof

but i dont mind

Uzi winced at her messy typing. Her hands were shaking so much that it was affecting her messages. She took a few deep breaths, wondering briefly if N was feeling the same as her.

N 02/14/2024 4:27 PM

as lnog as you want to too!!!

excited to watch w u later 😊

now i wanna stop streaming ahaha

She flushed at his last statement, wondering why in the world he was so excited. Despite questioning his enthusiasm, she was also feeling pretty ecstatic herself at the thought of watching a romantic movie with her crush. Uzi vibrated in the chair briefly, before re-composing herself and giving herself a few disappointed headshakes.

What have I become? N’s right, I really am a gremlin. But apparently… a love-sick one.

The night couldn’t arrive any faster, but thankfully, doing her homework helped the time go by somewhat quicker. At least she didn’t have to worry about any assignments while she was watching with N.

After N finished streaming, Uzi was feeling more nervous than she had ever been in her life. She wasn’t sure why she was so anxious despite them doing what they usually do every night, which was watch anime. Watching a romantic anime movie on Valentine’s Day with her crush who may or may not like her back, though, may have something to do with it.

She was stuck on her bed, starting up her laptop when she got the Discord call from N. With a deep breath, she answered with a short, sweet, “hey” and hoped that her voice didn’t hold too many tremors.

“Hey Uzi! Give me a moment, I wanted to make some popcorn first.”

His voice comforted her, relaxing the tension coiled within. She asked, “Popcorn?”

“Yeah! Because we’re watching a movie, I thought it was appropriate. I’d offer you some, but… you know.”

“I know, you’re greedy and don’t like to share.” Uzi giggled at his noise of indignance. “I have some in my pantry. I’ll make some too.”

“Yay, popcorn party!”

After Uzi settled back onto her bed with a fresh batch of popcorn in her lap, she searched for the movie and set up her stream for N to join.

“So… what is this about again?”

“Body-switching and falling in love, I think.” N explained, “They’re two strangers who never met, started switching bodies, and then funny stuff happens. I think it’s a romantic comedy!”

“That’s weird.” Uzi was confused at the whole premise, but what came out of her mouth was: “How do you fall in love with someone you have never met?”

As soon as the words left her mouth, she immediately shut up. There was a pregnant silence soon after.

I can’t believe I just asked that. I’m such a hypocrite. Uzi wondered how many times she was going to embarrass herself today. The cringe was taking off several years of her life already. Does… N think that I don’t—?! Ugh! What the hell, brain?! You were supposed to control my stupid mouth!

Swallowing hard, she timidly began, “Um, I mean—”

“...Well, I think it’s possible.” N suddenly said, “Even if they didn’t meet, they could still share experiences with each other that are super meaningful! I think body-swapping would be something pretty important, right? And then they fell in love along the way.”

Uzi wasn’t sure why, but he sounded… hurt.

“Ah, I don’t know what I’m saying, though. I just… figured.” He chuckled, albeit weakly. “Anyway, play the movie! I’m excited to see how it all goes down.”

Uzi couldn’t find the words. Instead, she obliged, playing the movie and deciding that maybe it was just better that she stopped talking for the rest of the night.

Her decision to stay silent didn’t last long, however, as soon as the aesthetic imagery hit her eyes. The movie’s animation was outright gorgeous, vivid, and fluid. It was like all of her humiliating moments today were being washed out of her brain and replaced by the movie in front of her. N seemed completely engrossed as well, and she didn’t blame him. What they soon realized was that the plot couldn’t simply be boiled down to “body-swapping and falling in love,” because it was showing to be much more complicated than that. Each reveal and progression provoked noises from the both of them, and soon enough, they forgot they had popcorn that needed to be eaten. N would occasionally ask a question or make a comment that Uzi would respond to, but as the story continued, they were finding themselves enraptured by the beauty of it all. She was sure that N was even crying at some points during the emotional parts of the movie.

Ha! A romance anime movie can’t break me. Uzi thought triumphantly as the main girl was sprinting down the hill, wondering whose name she was supposed to remember.

f*ck, nevermind. Uzi felt the tears spilling when she read the words “I love you” on the main girl’s hand. N was utterly distraught, remarking in a watery voice, “Oh, my goodness, he didn’t bother to write his name but he wrote down his love for her! Aah, that’s so sweet!”

Uzi refused to be embarrassed again today. Angrily wiping away her tears, she exclaimed, unaware of her very tearful voice, “That guy is stupid, why didn’t he just write his name down?!”

“...Uzi, are you crying?”

“Bite me! You are too!”

“I’m just teary-eyed!”

“No, you’re not!”

They didn’t bicker for long, as the movie once more captured their attention and rendered them speechless. As the movie was coming to an end, Uzi was comfortably laying on her bed with a soothing warmth filling up her entire body. Watching a romance anime movie with N was actually one of the most enjoyable things they had done together so far, and she didn’t even like the romance genre up until now. Finally, after the movie finished, they delved into conversation, sharing their thoughts with each other.

Of course, N absolutely loved it, and Uzi was genuinely surprised by how good it was. They talked about certain parts of the film that were just award-winning, cinematic masterpieces, as well as other parts that overwhelmed them with emotions. Uzi blushed slightly, before suggesting that they watch more popular anime movies together since they were “not as bad as she thought.” N teased her somewhat over her refusal to be honest about her review, but quickly, they moved on to other topics. There was still some time in the night; it was just before midnight, but that only meant that it was still Valentine’s Day.

As they were talking as normal about all the nonsensical and mundane topics of the day, Uzi was trying not to overheat at the fact that she was conversing with her crush late at night on Valentine’s Day. It was silly, because they always talked late at night, but it being Valentine’s Day was making her palms sweaty and her heart erratic.

We don’t have to do the same thing as always, only as friends. We... could be more. Couldn’t we?

Hearing N speak so light-heartedly and ramble on so cutely made her chest tighten. She wondered if N had always been so happy and carefree around her. She wondered what it meant.

I want to.

I want us to be more.

I want N to know.

Against her will, Thad’s advice popped up again in her mind, tempting her. With his words echoing in her brain, she heavily considered probing N.

Just say it: do you like anyone right now?

What if he says “yes”? Can I just ask “who is it”?

Can I ask if it’s… me?

N was still going on about dogs or something, but she was completely zoned out. Her thoughts were all accumulating, however, and her heart was pounding so loudly that she thought he could hear it.

Just ask.

Right?

I just have to ask?

N giggled at something. “Then, the dog started ‘talking’ back, but it wasn’t really ‘talking.’ It was doing low growls or barks that sounded like—”

“Do you like anyone right now?”

Uzi didn’t even realize that the words had fled her mouth until the utter quiet hit her ears.

“...What?”

If she was standing, she would have staggered backward at the sheer audacity of asking her to repeat her question. However, with courage from who knows where, she swallowed and said it again.

“Do you…” Uzi pushed forward, “like anyone right now?”

The silence was so tense, her rapid heartbeat was the only sound she could hear.

His pause and the rising heat of her body made her lightheaded. It was a good thing she was laying down, or else she might have fainted.

Uneasily, N answered, “Yes.”

Uzi felt her breath catch in her throat.

I did it.

I asked.

And he said “yes”!

Her elation was soaring, blocking out all rationality. If she was more aware, she would have realized that N sounded very, very uncomfortable. If she was more aware, she would have reeled herself in before she dug herself into a hole.

But she only had one goal in mind, and it was to know if N liked her.

Before she could stop herself, she began to shoot question after question at him, ignoring the way his voice slowly became more troubled and his growing hesitance toward answering her questions.

“So you do like someone right now? Huh! That’s interesting!” Uzi teased with a small smirk. N said in an uncharacteristically shy voice, “Is it? It’s nothing really—”

“Do I know her?”

“M-Maybe?”

“How long have you liked her?”

“Um, a while.”

“Where did you meet her?”

N laughed uncomfortably. “Is that really important? Because I don’t think—”

Uzi didn’t care. “Is she tall?”

“I—Yes.”

“Y—” Uzi stopped breathing, she was sure she did. “Yes…?”

He didn’t respond.

She asked hesitantly, “Have you… known her for a long time?”

“Mm… yeahhh? Er, kinda.”

Wait a minute. Uzi felt her chest twisting. Why are his answers starting to sound like… he actually likes…

“Oh.”

N was silent.

Uzi repeated, quieter, “Oh… I thought—”

I thought we liked each other.

She truly believed, and now, she felt like an utter fool.

She couldn’t bring herself to finish her sentence. Cupping her mouth to stop her pathetic whimpers from escaping, salty, fat tears began to blur her vision.

He spoke with total panic in his voice, completely taken by surprise. “This all happened super fast! I wasn’t prepared at all, so I… Uzi, don’t—The questions… they made me—I felt—Ack, I’m sorry, but—I didn’t mean what I—”

N cut himself off, sounding frustrated that he couldn’t get the words out. Guilt began to consume her; she had never heard N sound so despondent and defeated before because of her. Even when she ghosted him, he still made some sort of attempt to act in his usual manner in front of everyone, and even in front of her. However, right now, he seemed completely vulnerable and overwhelmed with distress. He uttered more sounds of exasperation, before taking a deep breath.

“I—I lied.”

Uzi blinked.

“You… lied?”

About what? She wanted to ask, but at this point, it all seemed so confusing that she doubted his answers would make any sense to her. So who do you like? And why did you lie about it?

“That’s… okay.” She let out a breathy giggle, like she could barely fill her lungs with oxygen. “It’s okay. Ah, yeah. I’m, uh, sorry. I guess I pushed you too hard. Sorry.”

“It’s all so messed up. I messed it all up.” N groaned, and Uzi felt more daggers stab at her heart. “Uzi—”

“I’m hanging up, N.” Uzi interjected, eerily calm. He didn’t argue. “I’m hanging up, so just gather your thoughts… and then tell me—”

She nearly choked as raw emotion suddenly erupted from her chest. Tears were harshly stinging her eyes.

“Tell me when you’re ready. Whatever you’re trying to say.”

Then, she ended the call. Uzi laid there in silence, as though she was shocked at her own action. It felt like the right thing to do, that she was actually being mature for once, but she wondered if it was her fault that he was like this.

Was I actually too annoying this time? Too antsy? Too stupidly excited at the thought that he might like me back? Did I… ignore his real feelings?

She stared at her phone, at the excited and happy messages between the two of them, and forced herself to fade the screen to black. She waited—seconds, minutes, maybe hours, but to her surprise, he didn’t call her back.

Guess… he needs more time.

Uzi squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the tears stream down her cheeks.

God, I hate Valentine’s Day.

Chapter 19: never wanted anything more

Chapter Text

The next day was a blur. She wasn't even sure how she got dressed, let alone made it to school. Before she knew it, her last class of the day ended, and it was already time to go home. However, she didn’t want to go home just yet, so she found herself wandering.

She realized she never really explored her campus before. Although the campus was expansive, her exploration had been limited until now. Usually, she was on the path between her major’s building and the parking lot, never straying further than where the cafeteria was. She didn’t have a reason to, anyway. When it was time to go home, she always had something to look forward to.

But here she was, on this random hill, sitting under a singular tree. Her body was still, but her mind was burdened with thoughts and emotions she never imagined herself having.

What is wrong with me? With a few handfuls of grass, she let the wind carry it away. When did I become so mushy? Mushy and love-sick and disgustingly vulnerable?

And she nestled her chin upon her knees, tears stinging her eyes.

Why did I have to push? Why was I so confident? Especially when I know nothing about friendship and… love… and relationships and all that stupid sh*t. I know nothing, and here I am… guessing that he—Ugh, because of what? For what? What we had was good! Damn it…

She gritted her teeth, becoming increasingly frustrated at the tears building up, threatening to overflow.

Now, I ruined it.

And Uzi looked up to the sky.

Like how I’m just the ruination of a person. A walking travesty, tragedy, whatever the f*ck. I’m such a goddamn emotional disaster. No wonder he didn’t feel the same, after all.

With vexation, she wiped her eyes with the palms of her hands, before pulling on the ends of her violet locks and accidentally letting out a curt scream.

In a moment of clarity, her eyes darted left and right, checking to see if anyone was nearby. Luckily, her spot on the hill was somewhat distant from the buildings on campus. Also, it was past midday, and most people had already gone home. After her lips emitted a choked bout of laughter filled with sadness, bitterness, rage, and everything in-between, she pursed her trembling lips, as if struggling to contain what begged to come out.

Uzi screamed again—a fleeting noise, unrestrained—her throat quickly becoming raw from the guttural sound of her resentment. With a heaving, deep breath, she sobbed once more, her vision blurring from the round droplets now spilling down her cheeks.

Why am I here? What has been keeping me on this God forsaken planet for so long? Why can’t I just let go of this stupid, good-for-nothing life?

Uzi sniffled, allowing herself a few more sobs before she lifted her head up and stared at the blue sky. She blinked away the remaining tears, then shook her head, as though trying to chase away the grip those self-destructive notions had on her. Biting her lip, her fists clenched tightly as she mentally gathered up those familiar, vicious thoughts and shoved them into a far corner.

“Not again.” She sighed wearily, her anger dissipating, but the sadness still evident on her face. “Not those ideas again.”

Entering a calmer, more solemn state, she mumbled to herself some empty self-affirmations, whatever she remembered from her therapy sessions long ago.

Then, with drying tear streaks on her cheeks and her throat somewhat sore, she wondered what N was doing.

What he was thinking.

What he was going to say to her next.

What was going to happen to them next.

Would we ever go back to being normal?

“Uzi?”

She uttered a frightened yelp, snapping her attention to her right.

Thad was staring at her with wide eyes, and she felt like her soul was laid bare. Realizing he could clearly see the wetness on her face, she cringed and began to wipe it away. Uzi saw his hand coming to rest upon her shoulder in her peripheral view, which caused her to reflexively flinch, so he immediately retracted it.

Instead, he asked, “Are you okay? What happened?”

“It’s none of your business.” She hissed, “Bite me.”

He idled there, his face contorted with worry. She couldn’t stand the sympathetic look in his eyes, so she turned away.

“...You wanna talk about it?”

“Does it look like I wanna talk about it?”

“Fair.” Despite her brusque responses and hostile behavior, he patted the grass next to her. “I’m just gonna sit here. That okay?”

She shrugged, still feeling humiliated that she was so careless as to be caught in the middle of her mental breakdown by someone she deemed as a friend.

There was a tense silence hanging between the two of them, before Thad said, “I didn’t think I would ever see you near the Economics building.”

Curtly, she responded, “Me neither.”

And there was another silence.

Uzi was content sitting there to cry and scream by herself, but with another person next to her, it all felt embarrassingly dramatic. She hated how stupid she felt, how ashamed she was for expressing all her pent-up emotions.

With a bit more contempt than she intended, she asked, “What are you even doing here?”

“Me?” Thad pointed at himself, before throwing his thumb to the nearby building mentioned prior. “I just had a meeting with my advisor.”

“Ugh, no, not on campus.” Uzi gestured to the space next to her that he was currently occupying. “Why are you sitting here next to me? Don’t you have a party to host, or something? Football practice?”

“...No, I don’t.” Thad shrugged. “I’m just here, like how you’re just here.”

Uzi told him matter-of-factly, “You don’t need to be here.”

He eyed her carefully, before showing her a sympathetic smile.

“You looked like you needed company.”

She wanted to retort, but the pang of loneliness and hurt silenced her. Maybe she did need company, maybe she had gotten too spoiled and too used to having company in the presence of her grief. But this was not the company she was used to—this was not who she wanted to comfort her in her time of need.

Her eyes stung once again, and suddenly, she was missing N all-the-more.

“...I guess.” Uzi wasn’t sure why, but she also said, “Thanks.”

“No problem. Any time.” Thad stopped looking at her to look up at the sky. He inquired suddenly, “So, I never got to ask, but what do you wanna do when we graduate?”

She didn’t have to give her answer much thought. It just rolled off her tongue, “I wanna work in artificial intelligence.”

“Really? That’s cool!” Thad tapped his chin. “I was thinking of being an entrepreneur. Make something of my own to sell. But I realized that it’s kinda hard. I was considering pivoting to maybe political science.”

Uzi looked at him strangely. “You wanna be a politician?”

“I wanna advocate. Have a position of power for those who don’t. Corny stuff. And I already noticed a lot of people listen to me and follow me, so it just got me thinking.” Thad rubbed his arms, a sign of nervousness she wasn’t used to seeing on him. Despite herself, Uzi smirked, “I didn’t think you had that kind of selflessness.”

“I try.”

She didn’t respond to that. Uzi wrung her hands together, staring down into her lap absent-mindedly. Thad allowed her the serenity, for her thoughts to formulate and align. She wasn’t sure why he was here, listening to her. She wasn’t sure why she wanted to vent, even if he wasn’t who she wanted next to her at that moment.

Is this what friends are for?

She sighed, “I confessed to my crush last night.”

In the corner of her eye, she saw his jaw drop, but he quickly picked it up before her head turned to him. With as little surprise as possible to not spook her, he asked, “You did?”

“I mean, yeah. It was basically a confession.” She swallowed harshly, before continuing. “I didn’t outright say it, but… there’s no other way he could have understood it.”

He nodded slowly, his brain processing and his face clearly wanting to react. She rolled her eyes, but he didn’t seem to notice. He questioned, “How did he respond?”

Uzi snorted. “By telling me he likes that other woman I mentioned before.”

They exchanged looks, his overly sympathetic, and hers full of both scorn and melancholy.

“And… you’re sure he likes her?” Thad looked hopeful. “This isn’t just a big misunderstanding that can be resolved with communication?”

“...I don’t know. I don’t actually think he does.” Uzi sighed heavily, the truth of the matter actually making her feel somewhat better. However, something still bugged her, besides the extensive time they were spending not speaking to each other. “But I don’t know why he would say that he likes her if he… doesn’t! I don’t know why he lied. And I know he lied because he told me. He’s really stupid or silly or both, God, I don’t know… If I did know, though, I would tell you. But as of right now, we haven’t spoken to each other since last night.”

“Why is that?” Thad looked a little peeved on her behalf. “The guy needs to explain himself! He can’t just keep you in the dark like this forever!”

“I told him to.” Uzi stated simply. At his confused face, she explained, “I told him to think on it, to think about what he really wants, to get his sh*t together, and then… to let me know when he’s ready.”

“Oh.” Thad stared at her wide-eyed. “That’s… awfully mature of you, Uzi.”

“Thanks.” She smiled plainly. “It f*cking sucks.”

“You… did the right thing.” Thad reassured her, a gentle and understanding smile on his face, “If this guy is as half-decent as you make him out to be, then he will come back to you with all the love he has to offer after getting his sh*t together, and then give some more love because you deserve it. He’s probably just a bit dumb, though, from what it sounds like, but he should be able to figure it out.”

“Sounds like something he would do.” Uzi giggled fondly, imagining the way N would return her feelings by tenfold if he truly liked her back. Her chest was feeling inexplicably lighter. She sighed again, softer this time, and hoped that Thad was right.

“N, what is this?”

To his horror, J was holding his favorite object of the week. A whistle, one that he had found laying on the ground outside the orphanage. He had taken his time to clean it under the sink with soap and water, and had been using it ever since.

“I found it.” N said simply, his small hands coming together nervously. “I cleaned it.”

“Why bother keeping this? It’s garbage.” She declared, tossing the whistle to the side without a second thought. He watched in horror as it soared through the air, landing close to the trash can. With a soft stutter, he said, “Wait, t-that was mine!”

“What’s yours is ours, and I don’t like keeping trash around. You’re lucky you’re the exception.” J told him with her hands on her hips. “And I’m the boss, remember? So you better stop talking back to me, or else.”

N opened his mouth to say more, but at her scary glare, he backed down immediately. When she finally let him be, N dragged himself over to one of the small tables and cried silently.

“Here.”

At the sound of V’s voice, N looked up. She was holding a tissue out to him.

Wordlessly, he took it from her grip to wipe his messy face. She sat down next to him, her posture clearly annoyed.

“J is such a bitch, sometimes—”

“V!” He gasped, horrified, “Y-You can’t say that! What if the adults hear?”

“They can eat it.” She asserted, but he appeared perplexed. “Eat what?”

“I dunno. I hear the older kids say it, so it’s probably something mean.” V looked at N’s depressed slouch, and patted his back comfortingly. “Cheer up, N. J is a—”

She looked around, and for his sake, she whispered, “bitch—”

At his watery, amused smile, she smirked, but then frowned, “and she gets on my nerves sometimes. She’s the oldest, though, so she’s our leader, whether we like it or not.”

He frowned, too. “Does she have to be such a mean leader?”

“She just… cares a lot.” V explained, but even she sounded unconvinced. “That’s what she told me before, at least.”

N looked conflicted, and it made her sigh.

“We’re never getting out of here together if all of us don’t make a good impression. That’s also what she said.” V tapped her fingers on the table, then added, “So we have our part to play. To be good enough.”

The thought of him accidentally holding everyone behind from being with a good family made him want to cry. It would be better if his sorta-sisters had to leave without him. Still, he asked, “I’m… not good enough?”

She didn’t respond. She only gave him a blank smile, but it still made his heart do a little flutter.

Despite its brashness, her words struck a chord in him, still. He would follow J more strictly, and trust that she only had their best interests at heart, even if she couldn’t be a little nicer while scolding him—

No, he couldn’t think like that. He had to understand that J was just like that! Mean-sounding, overly critical, a know-it-all, but always, always caring.

She would be the reason why everyone left here together.

And he didn’t want to be the reason why they didn’t.

Today.

Today, he was going to say it.

He was going to say the words: “V, I really like you. I would love to date you!”

They were not kids anymore. They didn’t have to look at each other like siblings. Well, he wasn’t sure when the last time it was when he looked at her like she was his sorta-sister. Maybe when they were young kids. But they were teenagers now—full of hormones and deep desires for genuine affection and intimate contact! He could do this, he could confess his feelings and desires to be more than what they were, and it wouldn’t be weird.

It wouldn’t be wrong.

With a deep inhale, he marched around the corner of their school building. Before he could take another step, he halted at the sight ahead of him.

“Ouch!”

“Stop moving so much, stupid. I’m trying to take care of you.”

V was sitting on one of the outside tables, right beside another girl who he vaguely recognized. The other girl looked like a cheerleader, with her hair tied back and her clothes preppy, but he remembered her being more… sassy and sarcastic. Here, she looked at V with so much admiration that it rivaled his own frequent stares.

The blonder of the two rolled her eyes. “Like I have said a million times before, you don’t have to ‘take care of me’ or whatever. I’ve done sh*t like this all the time growing up—I do it all the time now! It’s second nature.”

“Fighting a bunch of randos and then not treating your wounds is not the flex you think it is. And, pfft, haha! As if you have ever pushed me away before.” The unnamed girl (in his head, because he couldn’t remember her name for the life of him) shot V a cheeky smirk, before re-focusing her gaze on the cut on V’s arm. Unbeknownst to her, V was smiling. A soft, small smile that N had never, ever seen on her.

Oh.

The realization hit N like a truck, and suddenly, he felt like a completely oblivious fool.

Duh. V has only ever been nice to me because she’s… a nice person. N staggered backward, each notion cutting through him deeper and deeper. She’s a good person who only acts tough. And now… someone else sees that. And likes her for it. Appreciates her for it. And V… is happy with that someone else.

“N!” A familiar voice shouted behind him, breaking him free from his tumultuous thoughts. When he turned around, J was looking at him irately. “Where the hell is V? I need her for a task.”

Another one? She barely finished her last one. N briefly thought, before scrambling for an excuse. “She’s—uh—”

“Huh?” J looked beyond N’s lanky form, discovering the two girls sitting closely together at the table. He felt an ice-cold sensation travel down his spine at the possible retaliation that might occur—J never liked it when either him or V got too distracted from following her orders.

To his great surprise, J only blanched in disgust. “Ugh, seriously? She’s hanging around that prissy girl again? I don’t even see what she sees in her. And that girl has a girlfriend, for f*ck’s sake!”

N thought his heart would take off once again, his mind innocent to other people’s disloyalties. “That other girl is… taken?”

So she might not like V, after all?

“Duh. By the creepy Russian weirdo that sits in the corner. Weird ass pairing, if you ask me. I wouldn’t blame V for being a total homewrecker.” J pinched her nose bridge in annoyance, before she let out a curt laugh. “But that prissy bitch seems to be a two-timer, always tending to V’s needs like a good little girlfriend. What a slu*t.”

N felt his heart drop again as his eyes made their way back to the pairing. He wasn’t sure if J was accurate with her crude assumptions, and he wasn’t sure if he approved of the unnamed girl spending so much time away from her girlfriend to be with another girl in this manner, but from what he saw, V and her looked… happy together.

J sighed. “Anyway, I need to grab V for something, so—”

He wasn’t sure why he interrupted her, but he seemed to be unsure of a lot of things lately.

Everything was so confusing.

“What do you need her to do?”

“...Oh?” J looked at him, a devious glint in her eyes and a curl beginning to form on the corner of her lips. “Jimmy owes me some cash. He’s late, so he needs to be… talked to. Why do you ask?”

N spared V and that other girl another glance, before he told J, “I can do it.”

“Can you?” J tapped her chin on her finger. “But I recall a freshman a few months ago crying about how he hates violence and being mean to people—”

“I can do it, J.” N stared at her, half-confident but fully serious.

He didn’t want V’s chance at happiness taken away.

Not by J. Not if he can do something about it.

In a way, this was saving her, right?

He, on the other hand, didn’t have anything to lose.

N took a deep inhale. “Just let me take care of it… please.”

N felt like a monster.

He didn’t want to feel this way.

“I don’t want to hurt you. Please don’t make me hurt you.”

“Oh, come on. Everyone knows you’re a wimp! What are you gonna do to me? Sing me a song? Draw me a picture? Hahaha!!”

But then, it was over.

And when the deed was done…

He wondered if he would ever forget the feeling of someone’s skin breaking apart from the force of his fist.

He wondered if the blood splattered against his clothes would wash out.

He wondered if the cries of the person he hurt would erase from his memories.

“L-Look, man, I’m sorry! I’ll pay up, just give me a week! I promise, please. Just stop!”

I didn’t even hurt you that badly.

“...Okay.”

It was just one hit.

Right?

(He’s confused because he doesn’t remember.)

It was a little cut, a little blood.

Right?

(How does someone’s face look like that? He did that, he realized.)

“I’ll stop.”

After his long stay in front of the sink, he returned to his bed with a heavy sigh. He ran his fingers through his hair, before doubling over and wondering:

Why did it feel good to hurt?

N didn’t like violence.

But, sometimes, he craved it.

And it didn’t help that J started putting him on more and more tasks of hunting down the students that borrowed money from them.

Them and their rich, famous family.

He tried to reason that one punch would do. And only if it was absolutely necessary.

Like if they weren’t listening.

Or if they were getting on his nerves.

Many reasons could deem a punch absolutely necessary.

Though, most times, he forgot what the reason was after the punch.

One day, he was idling on school grounds with a cigarette box in his hands, wondering what the appeal was. Maybe he would discover why so many people liked it if he took one for himself. It dropped out of the pocket of his latest victim, and he couldn’t help himself. He heard it was pretty bad for the lungs, and that once someone started on it, it was difficult to stop.

Sounds like something I’m used to.

He drew one out, and was about to look for a lighter, but a voice startled him.

“N.”

He let out a tiny yelp in surprise, his attention switching from the small box to the voice that called his name.

It was V, and she looked royally pissed.

“V.” N shifted uncomfortably, hiding the box in his fist. They haven't talked in a while. A few months, if he recalled correctly.

Ever since he saw her and Lizzy that day.

Ever since he started—

“Hey, V. What’s, uh,” he cleared his throat, neck warm, “what’s up?”

“...'What’s up?'” V gritted her teeth, before she stomped toward him. He had half a mind to back away, but she was quick, and before he knew it, her face was directly in front of his. “'What’s up'?! What the f*ck is up with you lately? Why are you being J’s little f*cking rabid dog, N? Have you gone insane?!”

He tried to feign innocence. “I don’t know what you’re—”

But nothing ever gets past her.

“I know you’ve been covering for me! You’ve been taking on tasks for me. Punching the sh*t out of people and making them scared. Demanding them to pay their debts! Newsflash, dipsh*t, that’s my job! Not yours. I never asked you to do that!”

N was frightened. His eyes were wide, and his hands were trembling. The box fell out of his hand, and he didn’t even care that she may have seen it.

He thought he was doing a good thing.

He thought V would be happy.

Why isn’t she happy?

V was infuriated, but her voice cracked with an unfamiliar emotion. “You hate violence, you always have—you’re so nice that it’s sickening, so why, N?! Why did you hurt those people?!”

N gaped, before he shut his mouth tightly and bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. He wasn’t sure what to say. It was as though all his logic and reasoning crashed down upon him, rendering him defenseless.

He hated violence. He always showed that.

So why did he embrace it? Why did he use it?

Why did I like it?

“V…” N suddenly choked up, tears welling in his eyes. “I don’t know.”

She immediately paused as he began to cry, a heart-wrenching sob that erupted from his throat.

“Something’s wrong with me, I guess.” N said in a joking manner, despite the tears rolling down his cheeks. “I did it for—

You. He couldn’t say it.

“—but now it doesn’t even—Oh, God, what have I been doing?”

He collapsed against the nearby wall, ignoring the way V’s eyes softened with sympathy. Her gaze always looked at him this way when they were younger. He hadn’t seen it in a while, but he must have appeared extra pathetic if it was pulling on her heartstrings now.

A tense silence passed between them. His mind was a mess of emotions and thoughts, and he didn’t have the energy to sort through it all.

He just wanted to disappear.

Maybe that would stop everything.

But N knew he had the responsibility of cleaning up.

With a strong attempt at regaining his composure, he inhaled deeply and said, “I’ll apologize to everyone. I’ll compensate with money. I—I’ll fix it. Promise. Don’t worry about me, V.”

He shot her a reassuring smile, but his eyes were closed because he couldn’t bear to witness her pity anymore.

“...I’m not worried.” V glared at him, but her stare went beyond him—she was seeing red. She curled her hands into fists, pressing crescents into her palms. “I’m f*cking pissed.”

When she stormed off, he watched her go, his hand reaching out for nothing but air. He decided against following her, however. He didn’t even remember the cigarette box on the floor.

He was lost, and now, no one was there to guide him.

The next thing he heard was that she and J got into a massive fight in the middle of school grounds, resulting in both of their expulsions. They were assigned to a nonprofit behavioral camp for juvenile teens for the upcoming summer break.

N barely finished apologizing and making it up to everyone he hurt before he was transferred to a different school after the end of his freshman year, far away from the victims of his past.

N stared out into the beautiful beyond. The scenery of lush greens and vibrant blues were right in front of him, completely engulfing his senses. This place always brought him comfort; this balcony was like a gateway of sorts, one he didn’t have the courage to step through.

He felt like he was up in the sky, floating.

But his hands gripping the balcony told him otherwise.

His feet planted on the ground meant he was still here, still the same.

But maybe…

If he lifted himself a little higher.

There, on the tips of his toes.

It felt more like he was in the sky.

How can I completely drown in this feeling?

He tried standing taller, but he was still touching the ground.

His muscles tensed, and the grip on the balcony became sweaty, but if he really tried, he could lift himself up—

And then over—

But… he didn’t.

And with a weary exhale, he lowered himself to the ground, his knees touching the cool marble.

He was scared. Truly, he was terrified.

That if he took his chance at flight, it would be his only one.

Brief… and painless.

When V and J returned, the reunion was tense.

But Tessa always knew how to break the ice.

“Welcome back, gals!” The older girl pulled both of them in for a hug. To N’s surprise, neither of them pulled away. Tessa grinned at the two of them. “You gals seem different. Anything new?”

V blinked at her, before she let out a snort and pushed her hand off of her shoulder. “Unfortunately, I’ve become a better person.”

J was quieter, but with V’s remark, she rolled her eyes and countered, “By, like, a centimeter.”

“Shut the hell up, J.”

“Make me, you twat.”

“Oh, same old!” Tessa giggled, “It’s good to have you back!”

“Good to be back… to my bed! And a nice shower, God.” V walked past Tessa to go to her room. Before she began her way up the stairs, she exchanged eye contact with N. He felt his brain jolt back to life.

“V—! Hi, it’s… good to see you again.”

“N,” she co*cked an eyebrow, “did you do anything fun this summer?”

“Um…” he looked slightly embarrassed, but with a reassuring thumbs-up from Cyn, he admitted, “I got into streaming. I realized that I really liked to game and stream myself gaming.”

“...Huh.” V smirked, “Nice. Let’s play sometime.”

N’s eyes sparkled. “For real?!”

“Yeah, just let me know.” With a yawn, she walked upstairs without a second glance. N felt excitement bubbling in his chest, and Cyn couldn’t help but grin. “We get—another player?”

“Another teammate!” N and her high-fived, brimming with joy. There was a noise of disgust that broke through, causing N to simmer down. When he looked up, J was eyeing him with an unknown expression, and it was stirring up a familiar nervousness within him.

But he wanted to be nicer.

He wanted to be better.

He wasn’t going to be mean anymore.

Never again.

“J, did you—” N gulped, “did you want to—?”

“Play with you? Ew, no. That’d be a waste of my time.” J ignored the look Tessa gave her and sauntered past N and Cyn with a disgruntled look. “I’m going to take a long shower and re-evaluate my life’s plan now that it’s been totally derailed. Ugh!”

“Um, okay! Have fun with… that.” N winced at the loud slam! from her bedroom. Tessa put a placating hand on his shoulder, and with a tender smile, she said, “Don’t worry, N. They just came back. We just… have to get used to each other again!”

“If you say so.” N agreed, although somewhat hesitantly. Cyn tugged on his hand, dragging his mind away from bad thoughts and memories.

“Let’s play—Mario… Party?”

N perked up. “Ooh, yeah, let’s go!”

Tessa giggled cheerily. “I call Mario!”

“Aw, no fair!”

In the morning of Valentine’s Day, N stared at his phone, reading and re-reading the messages they shared. His disappointment always renewed whenever he scrolled all the way to their most recent interaction: last night’s call. With a bonk to his head, N groaned in utter agony, “Why did I say those things?! Whhyyyy??”

After a morning session of self-loathing and rolling around pitifully in his bed, he finally made his way downstairs. V was dressed in her gym clothes, already sweaty and worn out. She co*cked an eyebrow at him.

“Took you long enough. Why were you up so late? You missed our usual time.”

N cringed inwardly as her question brought forth memories from last night.

“Well, last night, Uzi and I—”

“Oh, God. Stop. No details. I got it. I forgot it was Valentine’s yesterday, so thank you for that reminder.”

He was confused. “Got… what?”

She made a lewd gesture with her hands. “On the phone, right? Ugh, ew. Sooo gross to think about. I know I joke about it, but come on, N!”

“I still don’t—” the realization struck him harder than J ever had, and he gaped. “Wait, hold on! NO! We—We didn’t do anything like that! Biscuits, V, what the heck?!”

“Oh? No?” V took a swig of her protein shake, before asking, “Then what were you gonna say?”

He took a deep breath, before he confessed, “Uzi and I spent some time together on Valentine's Day, and, uh…”

N was beginning to freeze up. He squeezed and unsqueezed his hands to get his brain moving so his mouth could form words. V was looking at him expectantly, but it was only making him more uneasy.

“Spit it out, N!”

“Okay, um, Uzi said something,” he inhaled deeply, “and I think she… confessed?”

V froze with shock, before her entire body reacted. She nearly screamed, “Hold up, WHAT?”

“A-And I said something stupid!” N cried out quickly before she got the wrong idea of how their night went, “I think she thinks I rejected her!”

If looks could kill, N would be long disintegrated. V stared at him like his brain was outside of his head. Then, she exploded, “The f*ck?! How the hell did that happen? What the hell did you say for her to think that?! Did you… actually reject her?!”

“No! I didn’t—I wouldn’t reject her!” N waved his arms crazily, his eyes wide, “It just… I don’t know! I got scared!”

“N…” V put down her shaker, almost slamming it on the table. “You got scared… of a girl confessing to you? That sh*t happened all the time in high school after… Anyway, why would you be scared of it now?!”

N had been asking himself the same thing since last night. He wasn’t sure why fear, of all things, was one of the predominating emotions bothering him. “Because, ack, I don’t know!? Because I actually… really, really, really like Uzi??”

Confused was an understatement. V’s face was contorted with unmeasurable levels of bewilderment. “And so your response was to reject her?!”

“I’M DUMB, OKAY?!” N shouted loudly, spooking V briefly. He was breathing fast and heavily, his entire being filled with anxiety and guilt. “I’m dumb, and something stopped me from just telling her how I felt, and I feel so, so stupid. Oh… God, she probably feels horrible because of me. V, what is wrong with me? Why do I always end up hurting people?”

She seemed to have taken a personal hit from that last statement. With a sigh, she walked over to him and placed her hands on his shoulders to prevent him from spiraling any further. She hadn’t seen him spiral since she confronted him back in his freshman year of high school. With a moment to think, V eventually said, “Look, N. You’re… You’re not…”

She struggled to get the words out (because in her brain, it was a bald-faced lie), so she pivoted.

“You have a good heart, okay? And I’m never saying that again, so cherish it. But your feelings for this girl are… genuine, to say the least, so just tell her! Stop being a wuss and just go for it!”

He looked freaked out. “But what happens after that?”

She thought she wasn’t going to be completely befuddled anymore today, but N continued to prove her wrong. “Uh, duh? You go out?? Do all the sappy couple sh*t that… well, you already kinda do it. But with more romantic intent. f*ck, I don’t know what you want me to say here! Basically, you start dating!”

Dating? We date? N felt his breathing quicken, his heart rate picking up, his vision darkening as thoughts popped up left, right, and center. She’ll ask more and more questions about me. She’ll know that I’m a complete fraud. That I’m not a nice person at all. That I’m a monster—Was. That I was. I’m not anymore. Right? I’ve changed. People can change, which is what I did. V and J changed, so why can’t I?

“N?”

But I did punch J recently. That was… very violent of me. Not very nice. Not something a good person would do. I think. Even if she was antagonizing me. Right?

“Earth to N!” V waved her hand in front of his face, drawing his focus. “Get out of that noggin of yours, buddy. I think there might be a black f*cking hole in there.”

N frowned. “Probably.”

V sighed, and considered a way to frame it differently so he would stop hesitating.

She stated, “You said you like this girl.”

He nodded.

“You clearly want to be with her.”

He nodded faster.

“So whatever your stupid head of yours is telling you,” for emphasis, she poked at his forehead with more force than necessary, “ignore it. Go with your heart. Don’t you usually do that, anyway?”

“I… guess?” N rubbed his forehead, then put his hand on his chest. Behind all the apprehension and shame, his heart ached for a different reason, and he wasn’t sure what it was. “I could try.”

V affirmed, “You stuck it to J when she was being a total bitch, so you can confess your feelings—easy!”

Although he was still mostly afraid, N tried to act more confident. “Again, I will… try!”

She rolled her eyes. “Convince yourself first, and then maybe you’ll actually follow through.”

V stood up, washing her shaker clean. “I gotta get cleaned up for my stream. I’ve pep-talked you enough.”

Although it was true that her words were encouraging, it just didn't seem to have the intended effect. He frowned, staring at the floor with absent-minded interest. She rolled her eyes again, leaving the kitchen with these parting words: “Get your sh*t together, N, and make yourself happy for once.”

Her words appeared to strike true. His head shot up in surprise just as she fled from view. When it was just him alone with his thoughts, N contemplated her last words to him.

Make myself happy for once? But I do it all the time! Streaming makes me happy. Playing good games with Uzi makes me happy.

He smiled to himself, but the question flew out of his mouth, “What do I really want?”

From this. With her.

The answer was obvious, but the question felt so difficult to answer.

Why can’t I just… be honest?

The question was a trigger—memories played in his head against his will.

Oh… I have never asked myself that question before, N’s smile dropped, because I never thought it would have mattered.

“Her name is Uzi, not Suzy or Lucy. Uzi!” N clarified. He was embarrassed, sure, but it was more important to him that his sorta-siblings knew the correct pronunciation of his crush’s name.

“Who the hell names their kid after a gun?” V remarked, perplexed. Tessa smirked, “She sounds quite cool already!”

“She is!” N swooned, “She’s so good at the game, I have never seen anyone use the Absolute Solver class like she does! I thought we were dead, but we were like an actual team, and it was so fun, and cool, and oh, man, I could go on forever!”

“Enough with the game, N.” V waved her hand, “I watched you guys play, already! What I wanna know is more about her.”

“About Uzi?” N blinked, before he scratched his cheek in a shy manner. “Her voice is nice. She dyes her hair regularly, and she acts really cute sometimes but like a gremlin—”

“Ugh, how long do we have to listen to this sh*t?”

“J.” V sneered, but J only glared back. N stammered, suddenly losing his will to speak about Uzi. It was his first time ever talking about a crush to his sorta-siblings, so he got carried away.

How careless of me. N laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry, too much information?”

“No.”

“Yes.”

V and J narrowed their eyes at each other once more. Tessa patted J’s back, asking her, “You don’t wanna hea’ more? I’ve never heard N talk about his crush like this.”

V bit out. “Yeah, J. Care a little, why don’t you?”

J hissed back. “I do care! You all are being weirdos enabling this sh*t! It sounds to me that N is getting catfished online!”

N felt his heart plummet. He never once doubted Uzi’s credibility, but hearing J so strongly argue against it made him waver slightly. V furrowed her eyebrows. “Where the hell did you get that idea?”

“You think people actually meet and fall in love online? Ha! That’s some bullsh*t you only find in fiction. Please!”

“N would have verified! Especially since I reminded him to! He probably got pictures or did a video call or something!” V argued, before turning to the shaken young man. “Right?”

“Uh… er…” N shot her a timid smile. “No? I… have not done any of that…”

The way his sorta-siblings looked at him made him want to crawl into a hole forever.

Now, here they were.

On the cusp of changing their relationship forever.

What am I so afraid of? N sat at the table, watching the trees outside sway in the gentle breeze. The pressure of his thoughts partially diminished as he saw a couple of birds flit around in an aerial dance. Part of him believed that Uzi would have enjoyed the peaceful ambience of the day. The weather was calm, not a cloud in the sky, and he was sure that standing outside would feel so nice. N’s gazed outside longingly, I want to walk outside with her.

N frowned. That’s so mundane. Would she even want to do that?

And then V’s words repeated in his head.

“Get your sh*t together, N, and make yourself happy for once.”

What I want…

N sighed and leaned back in his chair, the great outdoors engulfing his vision.

“N, you’re so f*cking useless. Get up already, or we’re not going to make it to dinner.”

J, I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to oversleep—

“N, why the hell would you want a dog? You think we can take care of one?”

It was such a silly idea, actually. I’ll never want one again—

“N, seriously, what are you crying about now? I didn’t hit you that bad.”

You’re right, totally my bad. Thank you for being lenient!

“N, you’re doing such a good job. I’ve never seen you do so well. You must have really wanted to do this, after all, huh?”

I… I guess so?

Haha… hahaha!

Yeah, I think I did!

It actually feels really, really, really—

N awoke suddenly.

It was past midnight, and for some reason, sleep did not stay with him. He laid there, wide-awake, startled at his sudden energy. After a few minutes of laying still, reliving parts and pieces of his dream, the guilt suddenly kicked in all at once.

Crying faces.

Bruised skin.

He barely remembered what they look like anymore.

What a privilege, since he was sure they would remember him for the rest of their lives.

I feel like throwing up.

After exiting the bathroom, N sat in his chair, collapsing into it so suddenly that it nearly toppled over. He grabbed the edge of his desk, rolling himself closer to his desktop, before laying his head down momentarily. He wasn’t drowsy, not in the slightest, but he was tired. He was exhausted, and he wasn’t sure of what.

He booted up his computer, allowing the brightness to temporarily blind his vision. Once he blinked a few times, he located the game application for Drones Online and opened it.

He intended to play for a few minutes. An hour at max.

But he found himself staying online as time passed. Before he knew it, it was already two in the morning.

N yawned, yet he still wasn’t sleepy. He didn’t want to go back to bed.

Not yet.

He decided to waste some time by looking for some Ice Wyvern scales for power-ups, even if the location for it was very close to the area of beginners, far from where he currently was located story-wise. At least the area was likely to be empty of players, since it was more of an unforgiving challenge point for risk-taking beginners than an actual place for them to freely roam. He wasn’t sure if he could handle another fan screaming his name with unbiased, blind joy with the state of mind he was in.

Unfortunately, there was, in fact, another presence in the area, according to his tracking ability. However, his vexation simmered into pity when it appeared that the person was in trouble, seeing that they were hiding in the only spot in the area that was safe from the Ice Wyverns. N snuck past the hostile mob and approached the abandoned spaceship. With a friendly tone, he called out at the entrance, “Hello? Anyone in here?”

Silence.

He waited a bit. There was a decent chance that the player was just scared, since player-versus-player combat was enabled in areas outside of safe zones. The person was also probably confused as to how he knew there was someone stowing away on this site. It was highly likely that they thought he was going to kill them and take their loot. Taking this into consideration, he added, “I promise I won’t do anything! I saw that there was someone hiding in here, I just wanted to see if you needed any help.”

He waited another few seconds before hearing a quiet, hesitant voice say, “Yeah, I’m, uh, hiding over here.”

N blinked. Her voice is… cute? Really cute. Okay, N, don’t be weird.

He smiled. “Oh! You have a mic, too? Nice! I’ll be there in a sec!”

When his character rounded the corner, she then appeared on his monitor, completely unmoving. He thought it was a bit strange at her abrupt silence, but he still said, “Hiya! Nice to meet you! I hope you don’t mind me here, I was also looking for some Ice Wyvern scales for some power-ups. Did you wanna party-up? We can get it together!”

She seemed to take a lot of time between her thoughts, which he didn’t mind allowing her. Waiting for her response, she eventually replied, “I, uh, I mean… if you want to, I guess…”

He smiled again, excited since it seemed she didn’t recognize his voice, “Awesome, I’ll send you the invite.”

Without a moment’s notice, N sent her an invitation to join his party, and when she accepted, his model jumped up and down in front of hers. He was quickly becoming more and more enthusiastic about having a genuine gamer buddy as his eyes scanned her class and stats. N could barely contain the joy in his voice. “This will be so cool! I have never partied up with an Absolute Solver before. Oh, your health is low! Do you want some health pots?”

Before she could respond, he opened up his inventory and unloaded an ungodly amount of health potions at her. Unexpectedly, she sounded a bit aggravated as she hissed, “Hey, I didn’t need that much! And I didn’t even say ‘okay’!”

N brushed it off, though, since he was used to unexplained bouts of anger from his sorta-siblings. “That’s fine, I get a lot of health potions from other people! I totally don’t mind sparing some.”

He spammed the ‘crouch’ button repeatedly, “Heal up so we can go! I’m excited to see what you can do! Also, you can just call me N. But do you want me to just call you ‘darkXwolf17’?”

He said it somewhat fast, but his name was still clear as day. However, to his great pleasure, she didn’t have an earth-shattering realization that made her into a hyperactive banshee. She only stuttered, clearly embarrassed, “I-I made that name when I was, like, eight! And, no, don’t say the whole thing! Maybe just Dark Wolf or something, gah, uh, I don’t know…”

He giggled silently as she struggled to get her words out.

“M-Maybe just, err…” her next set of words astonished him, “Uzi. You can call me Uzi. It’s my name.”

Uzi? Like… the gun? N thought briskly, before grinning widely. The name was definitely unique, and he wasn’t sure why, but it seemed to fit her! Plus, it was adorable. “Uzi it is, then!”

His character was circling around hers when he asked her, “Are you all set to go?”

“Yeah, I am,” she responded after downing the health potions. He was bouncing in his seat, the nightmares and drowsiness far from his mind. N whooped, hopping away to the Ice Wyverns in-game.

“Great, I’ll lead the way! Follow meeee!”

And so she did.

N laid down again that night, sometime past four in the morning. His eyes were burning now, and he was officially ready to knock out.

But he was happy.

Really happy.

He made a new friend.

“A new gamer buddy.” N said out loud, but quietly to himself, like it was some sort of poorly-kept secret. “Uzi. Her name is Uzi.”

He wanted to play with her again soon.

N yawned again, his mind echoing her voice between his ears. Her voice really was cute—it was high-pitched, sometimes soft with sleepiness, sometimes rough with anger, sometimes fluctuating with her bursts of emotions.

He flipped over, closing his eyes.

Will she be just like every other person I meet on the internet? Or like the people I have met in real life?

His face broke out into a small, hopeful smile.

Maybe… maybe we’ll get closer, and be good friends—maybe even best friends!

He giggled to himself.

That would be nice.

So much for friendship. N frowned, Here I am, wanting more.

He understood now what V meant.

He wanted to be with Uzi.

What he wanted more than anything was to be with Uzi.

Throughout V’s slight suspicions and J’s critical doubts, he had always wanted to be right next to Uzi and prove to them that what he felt for her was real, and that it really, truly made him happy. Although all of the conflicting emotions he had experienced and quarrels with his sorta-siblings he had worked through was because of her, he had only ever managed through it all for her. Even if he felt less than worthy, less than deserving, less than, less than, less than—

He has never, ever been as happy as when he was with Uzi.

This is what I want.

N stood up from his chair.

And I’m not turning back. I’m not going to regret it.

As he was deep in his internal monologue, his feet carried him automatically to the balcony of his room. It was far different from the rich, grandiose, marbled balcony of his childhood home, but for some reason, he wanted to be outside. He wanted to breathe in the fresh air, and relish the view without envying the birds.

He looked at his phone, determined to call her and to tell her everything—

No, hold up, not everything. That might scare her off! I should tell her just what she should know. Like… how much I am deeply, wholly, and irreversibly in love with her.

N paused.

Wait, do I tell her that? Or do I just say a simple “I love you”? Is that… too simple? Or, wait, even more importantly, is that too fast?! On the topic of “how to confess,” he started to wonder, Do I tell her more stuff than just that I “love” her? Or, ugh, I mean, “like” her?! Should I tell her that I think her voice is adorable, and it makes my heart swell and my head empty?? Should I tell her that I have always wanted to meet her in real life ever since I met her? Do I mention that I think about her nearly all the time?

He took a moment again to consider his decisions. Many of these things sounded creepy, especially off-the-bat. He wanted them to be together, not for him to get a broken heart and a restraining order.

“I should ask someone.” N thought out loud, “But who?”

He checked the time. It was still some time past noon.

Past noon?! N let out a curt noise of panic as he quickly alerted his viewers that he wasn’t streaming today before his fanbase exploded. With that covered, he headed back inside and sought out the opinion of his sorta-sisters. He had a few more hours before Uzi was finished with her classes. He needed all the preparation he could get.

He found himself on the balcony again; the night was beginning to bleed into the sky.

He was thoroughly talked to death, receiving advice from every sorta-sister he had in the pursuit of the ultimate confession.

He was ready.

Looking down at his phone, he remembered their most recent interaction, which was last night’s phone call, and felt all of his confidence suddenly go down the drain.

Oh, biscuits. She had probably been waiting for him all day for anything. A text. An emoji. But she received nothing from him, and he was already starting to panic.

What if she thinks I ghosted her because she confessed?! N gripped his phone so tightly, he thought he was about to squeeze it into a million tiny pieces. He released a deep exhale, wondering if he should call so suddenly without a warning message. There was a good chance that she was busy, that she was doing homework, or that she was determined to never, ever speak to him again because he left her hanging on a stupid lie and a dumb truth. What am I going to do if she doesn’t pick up?! They didn’t tell me that she might not pick up!

N stared at the little phone icon. All it took was a simple press of the button.

“What did you say? That Uzi gave you time to think about what YOU want, right?! Then call her up, and tell her what the f*ck you want already!” V near-yelled at him, making him feel all-the-more pathetic. “She already knows what she wants, now go do the same!”

N thought he would start hyperventilating again at this point, but that wouldn’t bring him any closer to his goal. Holding his breath, he ignored his racing heart and pressed on the “call” button.

And the phone started ringing.

Oh, biscuits, the phone started ringing—!

“Hello?”

He almost dropped his phone with how sweaty his palms were. He hit the speaker button because—

“Keep it off of your ear so you can speak directly into your mic.” Tessa instructed, “Pretend she’s there, right in front of you. What would you say?”

Bringing it closer to his face, he swallowed nervously, hesitating, before saying, “Uzi.”

“...N.” Her voice was blank. It was making him even more anxious.

“Compliments? Those are—nice… to hear. After a fight, especially. I think. Right?” Cyn tilted her head at him, and he only tilted his. Maybe asking the youngest of them all wasn’t a great idea.

“Uzi, I—I missed your voice. It’s always been really nice to listen to.” At her silence, N was already cringing so deeply that he worried he would feel it decades from now.

“Apologize.” J told him simply with her arms crossed. “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you’re wrong?”

“I’m… sorry. I’m really sorry, Uzi.” N swallowed, trying to restrain the sudden tears that threatened to spill. “I didn’t mean to leave you alone for so long. I didn’t mean to hurt you yesterday.”

“...So what?”

That response was unexpected. N repeated slowly, “So… what?”

“Apology accepted. Compliment accepted. Anything else?”

Her voice was cold and sharp, like he was being stabbed clean through with an icicle. He racked his brain for something else to say, something to make her feel better. He tried to remember all the advice he spent hours hearing, but it all jumbled together into a cacophony.

“If… there’s really nothing else for you to say to me, then…” Uzi sighed so heavily that he wondered how long she was holding it in. She continued, “I’ll just hang up, okay?”

His heart was pounding so hard in his chest, it hurt. Her voice was nearly drowned out by the pulsing in his ears. He grabbed the railing and grit his teeth, bracing himself.

Uzi was still speaking in her low, sullen voice, “We’ll just… try again another time—”

“I love you!”

It took him an everlasting moment of absolute dead silence to realize that he was the one who just carelessly blurted that out.

When she began to stutter in response, clearly stunned, he let out a curt shout and quickly tried to correct himself.

“Wait! Wait, no, I meant to say ‘I like you,’ not… that other thing! But, I mean, I do! Aaaagh—oh, biscuits, I am messing this all up!” N was sure he was melting to the floor with how hot he was feeling. All the blood rushing through his veins was definitely not good for his heart.

But it was out.

The words were out. His feelings were known.

N could barely believe it.

He grinned, almost crazily. If anyone saw him at that moment, they’d run away.

While she was still grasping for her thoughts, he went for the kill.

“Uzi, I like you. A lot. Like, a whole lot! Even more than that.” He smiled earnestly, the full force of his affections overwhelming every rational thought left in his brain. There was nothing holding him back now that she knew. “I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you. I wish I told you sooner.”

She eventually found her words, sputtering, “God, N, what the hell? Are you trying to kill me?”

He couldn’t help but laugh. “Of course not!”

“Well, you’re doing a good job, anyway!” Uzi sounded quite embarrassed and definitely indignant, but there was also a hint of shyness that made him want to hug her tight. “Why did…?”

He blinked. This was their time to be honest, so there was no going back now. “Why what?”

“Why did you… lie?” Uzi asked, pain coating her words. “Why didn’t you just tell me right when I… told you?”

N flinched. That’s a great question. Do I answer it?

Every part of him was basically telling him to spare her the excuse, but his heart believed that she deserved the truth. Even if it was a stupid reason.

He breathed in a controlled motion, attempting to regain his composure. She waited for his answer patiently, and he was all-the-more grateful.

“I really love our friendship. Being friends with you is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

“Oh, N, that can’t be true—”

“It is!” He insisted, “And I would have done anything to make sure you knew how much I valued our friendship. Even if you wanted to stop being friends with me, I would have tried to stop you, but it would ultimately be up to you.”

Her tone was lightly teasing. “Huh? You would have tried to stop me?”

He chuckled at his expense. “Yes, sorry. I’m pretty desperate, I know.”

The frown was audible. “That’s not what I—”

“I know.” N replied, “But it’s true. I told you, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I’m… I’m not used to… having something good in my life that made me happy. Really, truly happy.”

She didn’t respond, probably too occupied with digesting his words, so he kept going.

“You make me so happy, Uzi, it’s kinda crazy. I know I helped you sleep better, but you also helped me sleep better, too.” N admitted as he ran his hands through his hair. “But… knowing that you might like me back scared me. I didn’t…”

He gulped. “I didn’t want you to know all the screwed up stuff about me that would make you leave, because I figured you discover it all eventually… if we really did start dating. So… I tried to lie and say that I didn’t like you. Maybe… we wouldn’t get closer and… I wouldn’t have to tell you. ”

“...Screwed up stuff?” Uzi sounded confused, “You know all the screwed up stuff about me. The basics, at least. There’s more to know, but… yeah. And since you know all that bad stuff about me, why can’t I know all the bad stuff about you?”

“Because it’s… worse?”

“Is this a competition now?”

“I mean, like, I actually… I’m the perpetrator! The criminal. The… bad guy.” N inhaled sharply, “I’m not… the victim.”

“Oh.” Uzi was frowning again. “And I’m not a prissy perfect angel, either, N. I still get into arguments regularly with people. I have never really gotten along with anyone until college. I used to fight or prank my teachers, and hack into people’s emails to sign them up for nonsensical newsletters and ads. I was not hesitant to fight back if people started being physical with me. And if they really annoyed me, I would do whatever it took to make sure they failed the class. It doesn’t matter if I was bullied, a victim, whatever other pitiful label I fit into—I did bad things to people, too.”

N was, for a lack of better words, flabbergasted. He really did put Uzi on a pedestal.

“So we both did bad stuff—”

N retorted, “You don’t know what kind of bad stuff I did, though!”

“Then tell me. Doesn’t have to be now. It can be… whenever you want it to be. Or never, I don’t care. It’s not who you are now, right?”

That was the same question he had asked himself earlier. He had thought it over, and although he was still unsure, he declared, “No, I don’t… think so.”

For good measure, she followed up with, “And you haven’t murdered anyone?”

“N-No!”

“That didn’t sound so convincing.”

He nearly whined, “I didn’t murder anyone!”

She laughed at his desperate attempt to defend himself, and he hoped that no one was listening to this conversation, or they would be extremely confused.

She sounded smug. “Well, there you have it. We are—or have been, in your case—bad people. So…”

Uzi quieted for a second, and he thought the line dropped until she softly said, “So, can you just go for it, now?”

Go for—? OH!

He almost slapped himself.

Clearing his throat, he leaned over the railing, and knew that this was the moment of truth. The world above him was a beautiful darkness sprinkled with shiny, tiny stars, and he smiled tenderly and lovingly, filled with endless bliss to know that she existed under the same boundless sky as him.

“I love you, Uzi. I want to be with you...”

“...and nothing would make me happier if… you want to be with me, too.”

Uzi was on the verge of tears. She wasn’t sure what about him confessing to her made her so emotional.

Maybe it was because, for so long, she had been waiting to hear him say these words—for him to return her feelings, even if she thought that it would never happen.

Her feelings were starting to constrict her chest too tightly, so in an effort to alleviate the strain, she joked, “I thought you’re just supposed to say that you ‘like’ me?”

“Shoot, you’re right. I got carried away… again. Sorry!”

“It’s okay, you silly… weirdo.” Uzi chuckled, until she felt her knees abruptly become weak. She clutched onto the railing for support, her eyes widening in shock at how utterly relieved she felt after hearing him confess. It was like her entire body turned into goo. As her eyes stared into the great abyss above, she wondered what the moon looked like tonight. It was cloudy, but the breeze was nice, and the fresh air did wonders on her frazzled brain. She avoided speaking in a watery voice, telling him a heartfelt and resounding, “I want to be with you too, N.”

Despite everything that has happened between them, including the most recent events, he still sounded surprised. “Really?”

“Uh, duh! You doofus.” Uzi burned with a fierce blush as she hastily confessed, “I thought you knew that I… I like you, too.”

He made a strangled sound, one that made her worriedly go, “What’s wrong?!”

“Nothing! Just that… I don’t think my heart can handle this, after all.”

Does he have to make such a big deal out of it? She felt her face heat up once more. “Bite me! All I said was that I like you!”

“Gah!”

“N, God, stop acting like you’re… losing HP or something!”

He chuckled, responding in kind, “Stop confessing so casually—I don’t have any defense built up!”

“N!” the giggle bubbled out of her against her will. The entire situation was making her lightheaded, embarrassed, and inexplicably giddy. “You’re being sillier than usual, shut up already.”

“Sorry,” he sighed contently, “it’s the happiness. It’s taken over.”